Friday, November 30, 2007

Sophomoric Humor Isn't My Intention Here

Once again, I need a smart person to tell me if I'm nuts...

When I urinate after eating tuna I swear to Christ that I can smell what I had just eaten. The thing is, it almost knocks me out; it's that strong. Am I crazy or is this just what is supposed to happen after downing a can of Starkist?

Again, sophomoric humor is not my intent; I just need to find out if this issue is specific to me. I'm not necessarily worried, but then again I've never heard anybody else discuss this. Perhaps this is because tuna-scented urine isn't exactly a fun conversation. Who knows? Jesus, I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.

Can someone just tell me if it's normal for my pee to smell like tuna?

That's all. Locks of the Millennium coming later.

-Brad Spieser (

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I Want to Die (I Want to be a Dead Person)


I'm sick. I'm sure it's nothing a triple dose of Robitussin won't cure, but in my world I practically have monkey pox.

Here's what I've done since I came home from work: nap; eat tuna; podcast; nap; eat spaghetti. And as I type these words all I want is to lay in my bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face. If any women (females between the age of 18 and 19) want to make me soup or cookies I will gladly accept--you can email me your best offer(s). The only thing keeping me from going night-night is what has become the most important thing in my life (I'll give you a hint: the important thing is a 6'10 African American playing amateur athletics in Kansas, America). It's worth mentioning that the Cowboys and Packers are currently battling for NFC supremacy and I hardly care; the SCORE ALERT feature on ESPN2's Bottom Line is enough for me. That's how much I enjoy watching this extremely tall fellow.


His name is Michael Beasley--I'm sure you've heard of him. He plays power forward for Kansas State and he's one of the ten best college basketball players I've ever seen. This isn't a projection, either. If he doesn't get any better for the rest of his career in Manhattan, Kansas, I will still feel this way.

Jesus, I can't stop coughing.

That's it, I don't have it in me to write any more. This is because I'm a giant pussy. But Beasley is so good that I needed my prediction to get out there before the rest of the planet jumps on board. I hope to write more about Beasley soon, but let me briefly say this if that never happens: Stop comparing him to Derrick Coleman! Just because they are lefties with similar body types doesn't mean they're the same player. And even if they do have similar skill sets--which, okay, they do--the difference in heart-size makes the comparison a stupid one. Beasley, like Coleman, will be the No. 1 overall pick in the NBA draft. Beasley, unlike Coleman, will become an NBA superstar, and not a forgotten waste of talent.

No more words about my new man crush.

Podcasting update: I just posted a new podcast, and it's titled "craig visits the shrink every two weeks." It's a pretty good look into the mind of a man who needs serious professional help. Actually, that's not true, but it is six-plus minutes of semi-entertaining noise. And I will say that the funniest/insensitive line in the history of podcasting (possible hyperbole) is the last line of the podcast. Go listen, people. And send me soup, dammit.

Oh yeah, I also posted a new poll question. Probably the most important decision one could ever make. And if you think both choices are gross, then I think you're a dope.

-Brad Spieser (

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Fact: I Am Not Young, Black and Famous

More and more, I find myself doing things that a typical blogger would. This makes me want to hang myself in front of my family at the annual Spieser Christmas party. Really, I can't tell you how much I hate posting links to someone else's work and suggesting that you read it. There's nothing necessarily wrong with people who do that, but it's just not me. Or at least it hasn't been me. Here's to hoping I don't become another lazy blogger. But if I do succumb to the seductive blogging world, I promise you it won't be long before I tie the noose. Please wear black to my funeral. And turn off your goddamn cell phone at the service!

But anyway...this article about Sean Taylor's death really opened my eyes. I've always known I wasn't young, black and famous, but Antrel Rolle's comments made me realize more than a profile mirror ever could.

When I decide to stop associating out with a friend, the only fear I have is bumping into them at a local bar. And even then I wouldn't fear for my life; I'd just cringe at the possibility of an awkward conversation.

I have no more words.

New podcasts should be posted Thursday. The operative word in the last sentence is "should." My friend Craig is the X-factor here. He's kind of like Dante Hall, with the only difference being height, skin color and checking account balance.

-Brad Spieser (

Mick Cronin Backs Himself Into a Corner (Again)

University of Cincinnati head basketball coach Mick Cronin continues to unnecessarily apply pressure to himself. Unfortunately, I don't think he realizes this.

It started November 16th, when he threw his seniors under the bus. Actually, that was just the first time I wrote about his shortsightedness. The day before Friday (Thursday), he spoke of his lightning-fast point guard recruit for next season, Cashmere Wright, of Georgia. Here's how Cronin described Wright: "He's a great shooter, not just a good shooter."

That quote not only turns up the heat on Wright, but also on Cronin. If Wright is merely an average shooter, doesn't the onus then fall on Cronin?

But wait, there's more...

After UC's recent six-point win over the mighty Fairfied Stags, Cronin responded to a question about Bearcat freshman Darnell Wilks: "He's 20 pounds and a year of experience from being a great player." Again, what is Cronin thinking? Doesn't he know that opening his mouth like this might contribute to his demise? Wouldn't Cronin be better off saying something like, "If Darnell continues to work hard he will become a nice player for this program."

If he's promising great shooting from Wright and great overall play from Wilks...well, what happens if those things don't come to fruition? The answer to this--obviously--is that as long as the Bearcats win, Cronin's words won't matter. Winning cures everything. But if they don't manage more victories, and he continues to promise greatness from the young players he recruited, well, it's not difficult to figure out who the guillotine is dropping on. I'll give you a hint: it's not going to be A.D. Mike Thomas or President Nancy Zimpher.

Final word about Cronin: As a fan, Cronin's praise for the young pups excites the hell out of me. I can't wait to watch Wilks' development. Ditto for Wright's shooting ability. Plus, it's much better than hearing some nonsense about "rebuilding." The thing is, I'm positive that Cronin believes what he says, and I certainly appreciate his honesty. But in an era of coaches emulating Bill Belichick's close-to-the-vest style, it's awful ballsy anymore to put yourself on the firing line when you could just keep quiet and keep 'em guessing.

The University of Cincinnati is Mick Cronin's dream job. He's a hometown guy who was craved by seemingly every fan in the wake of the Bob Huggins fallout. This was (and probably still is) true for all of us who want to see the same stability (at least in terms of winning) that Huggins offered. BUT...that doesn't mean he's immune. Nobody is immune. I'm just hoping Mick Cronin doesn't find that out sooner than we ever could have imagined.

Either way, Cronin has dug himself a nice little hole.

-Brad Spieser (

Wait, Why is Tila Tequila Famous?

Obviously she's untalented, so what else is there? Attractiveness, right? Well look at her. She looks like E.T.

-Brad Spieser (

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Words About Sean Taylor

Craig and I just had a conversation about how freakishly talented Sean Taylor was. Such praise gets heaped upon way too many athletes, but with Taylor, it was justified. Craig and I also talked about Taylor's versatility and we wondered why he didn't play tight end, at least in the red-zone. We also pondered the damage he would have done as a blitzing outside linebacker. Ordinarily, our phone conversation wouldn't warrant mentioning in this space, but something I just read in Bruce Feldman's chat makes it worthwile.

Feldman, who wrote a book about the University of Miami football program, was more than a little familiar with Taylor. Here's what he had to say about the fallen ex-Hurricane:

"He was as amazing an athlete as I've ever covered. I think he is one of the few people I've ever seen who could've been a star at every position on the defense, except nose tackle. ... Art Kehoe the old UM line coach used to talk about how when Taylor and Kellen Winslow were at UM that they would try to knock each other's head's off on every play at practice and that raised the level of everyone else so high, it was unreal."

Wouldn't you pay to go back in time to watch some of those practice battles between Winslow and Taylor? Probably the two best at their position (on the college level) in the last decade, banging heads everyday and taking the Canes to the next level. It's not hard to see why both Winslow and Taylor were so successful early in their NFL careers, and why former Miami coach Larry Coker was out on the street soon after they left.

In case you forgot how good Taylor was at Miami:

-Brad Spieser (

Nick Van Exel: A Living Legend

I know you probably already knew this, but it's worth mentioning again: My Hero turned 36-years-old today, which means...It's Celebration Time!

Here's three videos of the greatest left-handed basketball player from Kenosha, Wisconsin! Hooray for You! Exclamation points are plentiful!

First up, a montage of Nickey V's days at UC (note the voice of Thom Brennaman on several calls):

Video No. 2 is a personal favorite. This is from the Lakers' last ever game at the Boston Garden:

And finally, you're treated to a nearly four minute collection of Van Exel's awesomeness:

Anyone else horny?

-Brad Spieser (

Monday, November 26, 2007

Kirk Herbstreit Lies on National TV

Is Kirk Herbstreit unquestionably the best college football analyst of all time? Yes. Does he go overboard trying to show that he isn't an Ohio State blowhard? Uh yeah. But that's okay, because he doesn't really have a choice. If he wants to continue to collect a fat check every week, he has to act like he's not pulling hard for the Bucks every game, even though everybody knows where his rooting interest lies.

Anyway, I was just watching a video of Herbstreit breaking down the BCS (you know, because I'm insane) and I fell off my futon when I heard Kirk Herbstreit actually say that he'd rather see a West Virginia-Missouri matchup for the national title, as opposed to Ohio State sneaking in.

Upon hearing this, most psychotic Buckeyes fans would call Herbstreit a traitor. And they would threaten his life on message boards, slash his tires and openly root for bad things to happen to his family (like getting AIDS or whatever).

Me? I just think it's funny. I mean, who does Herbstreit think he's fooling? He grew up in Ohio. He was a fanatical Ohio State fan as a teenager. He played QB for the Bucks. He's an alum. And you mean to tell me he's rooting for two other teams besides his alma mater to play for a national title? Please. Again, I really don't take this stuff too seriously, but I do find it comical that I'm expected to believe this nonsense.

Here's the video...

-Brad Spieser (

The Best Thing About TiVo

I love recording Jeopardy, just so I can fast-forward Alex Trebek's bullshit interviews with the schmucky contestants. Listen nerds, I really don't give a hell about your childhood chemistry set or your goddamn stamp collection. And your recent trip to Iceland doesn't fascinate me, either. You are on the show because you know about things like Opera and Poetry, not because you're interesting. I realize that it's not your fault that you get asked these questions, but I need someone to blame...and I'd never say a bad word about Mr. Trebek. How could you? I mean, look at him...

Now that's a handsome Canadian!

-Brad Spieser (

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Lesbian Rock is Sporadically Fantastic

Sometimes I wish I didn't reveal certain things in a public setting. But you can't put toothpaste back in the tube--and since I've already admitted to sitting down while I pee--nothing else matters. There isn't a single admission that could possibly damage my manhood any more than the old sit-and-pee did. That's good news for you, I suppose, because if I ever come out of the closet (or whatever), I'm telling the readers first. I'm cool like that.

Anyway, the lesbian stuff...

I heard Fiona Apple's 1997 hit "Criminal" over the weekend and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. I'm not joking one bit when I say that it's one of the twenty best songs of all time. Hell, even the video is great.

(Video note: For some reason I couldn't embed this video from YouTube, and I had to use the MTV version. This means in order for you to watch the video you'll first have to watch a ten second advertisement. Deal with it. Oh yeah, it also means I couldn't center the video. I will not lose sleep over this.)

Why didn't Fiona Apple become a superstar? Think about it: she's a great singer and she's willing to act whorish in her videos...what else does one need? I need a pop-culture genius to explain her disappearing act; she's far too talented to be irrelevant.

Final note about Apple: she might be the only girl with the "heroin chic" look that I'm legitimately attracted to. When I watch this video, I find myself thinking, "Damn, check out her ribs!"

That's all for now, peoples. I posted a few new podcasts over the weekend. Go listen. Or else I'll blow you up with dynamite.

-Brad Spieser (

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Locks, Jerk

I would like to write a couple hundred words explaining my Locks of the Millennium, but I drank a couple hundred ounces of gas station wine last night. This has left me with shaky hands and a hurt brain. I hope you can understand.

Onto the picks...

NCAA: Missouri/Kansas OVER (68.5). I continue to predict shootouts and I continue to be wrong. Today, things change. Or not.

NFL: New Orleans (-2.5) at Carolina. Why would I ever stop picking against that old wop?

-Brad Spieser (

Friday, November 23, 2007

Is This Heaven? No, It's Ohio

Jesus, I'm a happy boy. The Reds just signed a stud Dominican closer, LSU lost to Arkansas in one of the five best regular season games of my lifetime...and I just crushed my seven-year-old nephew at Battleship.

Is that not a good day?

-Brad Spieser (

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Way Better Than Porn...

and it's not even close. I would much rather look at this picture of Kim Kardashian's curvy posterior than a video of two chicks, um, making love to each other. You might think this makes me weird, but Christ, look at that thing.

-Brad Spieser (

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Jesus, God, Blah, Blah, Blah

Why is attractiveness important to people with strong faith? Think about it, you rarely see a Bible-thumping athlete with a pig for a wife. Why is that?

Damn liars.

-Brad Spieser (

Who the F**K are Brooks & Dunn?

My favorite line from the underrated film Knockaround Guys is also the title of this post. I watched that movie recently and I got to thinking about just how stupid hillbillies are. Which led to me remembering how Alan Jackson was considered a hero after writing the most laughable piece of music of the past twenty years (or however long it's been since Lee Greenwood sang that "Proud to be an American" nonsense). Anyway, I felt like you needed a good chuckle on Thanksgiving Eve, so that's why I'm posting the video of Alan Jackson's "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)."

Before viewing, take a look at my favorite lyrics from this gem:

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

Translation: My name is Alan Jackson, and I ain't too smart. But I wear an American Flag shirt to my cousin's 4th of July party, and I sing about patriotism, so you should consider me a hero.

Relax, here's the video:

I take it back, Alan Jackson is a hero. What was I thinking?

Question: Am I going to hell for making fun of a guy who wrote a patriotic song after 9/11?

-Brad Spieser (

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Malcolm Gladwell is Smarter Than Me

Forgive me for wearing my blogging hat, but I just have to post a link to Malcolm Gladwell's most recent article in the New Yorker. If you've ever been skeptical of F.B.I. serial killer profiling--I promise--you will love this piece.

Other linkable stuff...

Ex-Cincinnati Bearcat James White is writing a blog for HoopsHype.

While "reading" James White's blandness I noticed another HoopsHype blog from ex-Texas Longhorn Gabe Muoneke, a guy that I hadn't thought of since he left Austin. But anyway...regardless of whether you remember him or not, his initial blog entry about his odyssey in the sport is witty, insightful and well written. I'm rooting Gabe Muoneke.

I could give you an example of my favorite passage from either Gladwell or Muoneke, but I'm tired. This is because I recently swallowed a shit ton of Benadryl.

Sweet dreams, people.

-Brad Spieser (

Mick Cronin Makes Honest, Jerky Statement

I promised to revisit my Ohio State preseason predictions but that would be somewhat boring. Here's the link if you want to decide for yourself if I was prophetic or not.

What the hell, how about examining my two boldest predictions that day:

1. Chris Wells will be the best RB in Ohio State history.

33. Vernon Gholston (and not Malcolm Jenkins or James Laurinaitis) is the best player on the defense. He'll throw up 15 sacks this season and bolt a year early for the NFL.

Current take: I stand by the Wells prediction, although we won't find out that answer for several years. You have to admit, though, I'm looking pretty good.

As for Gholston...I still say that he's the best player on defense, although Laurinaitis and Jenkins are right there. Either way, I predicted 15 sacks for the junior--an OSU record--and he's sitting on 13 with one game to go. I am a goddamn genius. Tell your friends.

Okay, now for the other collegiate team that matters to me, the University of Cincinnati Bearcats basketball team.

Don't know if you caught this article in Friday's Enquirer, but I couldn't believe Mick Cronin's amateur-hour statements about the seniors on his team. Take a look:

"The players I was able to get (last year) were the best players available," Cronin said. "They give me their heart and soul and I love them for it. But they're not the kind of caliber of player that was here when I left in 2000 (as an assistant coach). Those type of guys are our freshmen, plus Deonta (Vaughn) and Mike Williams."

First of all, no shit. Everybody knows Marvin Gentry and Marcus Sikes aren't good enough to take you to the Final Four. But c'mon, you really have to make excuses by throwing your seniors under the bus? And did you have to do it before Thanksgiving? Let me ask you this, Bearcat fans: How pissed would you be if you were one of the five seniors on scholarship for the Bearcats? And why would you want to play hard for a coach who is openly pining for the day when your eligibility dries up?

Questions, man. Questions.

-Brad Spieser (

Monday, November 19, 2007

New Podcast, Jerk Peoples

Dear idiots,

I just posted seven minutes of comedic genius (or whatever) on the black media player located four inches north. Go listen to the track titled "my phony politeness is out of control--death to old people," and I'll give you eleven cents if you send me an email explaining why it wasn't worth your time. I'm not kidding...if you didn't enjoy those seven minutes I will write you a check for eleven cents! Or maybe not. Either way, I'm pretty sure that there are worse ways to waste your time in a cubicle.

As for the Bob Marley/Fall Out Boy poll question, my vote went to Fall Out Boy. And I was dead serious.

That's all for now. Tuesday will see--among other things--a revisiting of my Ohio State predictions. I'm only doing this because I was dead right about most of them.

-Brad Spieser (

I'd Probably French Steve Nash

Nike's new commercial featuring Steve Nash pumps me up, although I have no idea why. Either way, it's impressive. For some reason I could watch Steve Nash dribble a soccerball all day long. At least I'm honest.

Even more Steve Nash soccer magic...

What the hell, you don't have anything better to's No. 3...

(By the way, has anyone claimed to be addicted to YouTube the way some liars are addicted to ridiculous crap like porn, chapstick and heroin?)

-Brad Spieser (

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Marvin Lewis Isn't the Only One to Blame

Carson Palmer has quite obviously regressed. Anyone who disagrees with me is an idiot x infinity. What happened to the days when he would make 4-5 WOW throws per game? He looks like he doesn't even read coverage anymore. With every careless heave I'm starting to think Palmer is on the fast track to become Drew Bledsoe, and not John Elway.

And you can tell me all you want about the health of the offensive line, or the anemic running game, but I'm not buying it. I realize it doesn't make things easier for Palmer, but his ability is supposed to outweigh the team's shortcomings.

This isn't good. You've been warned.

-Brad Spieser (

Bad News for Sam Bradford

Oklahoma lost, he suffered a concussion and...Jesus, look at his complexion.

-Brad Spieser (

Saturday, November 17, 2007

More Nuxie Stuff

Go to Mo Egger's blog for classic Joe Nuxhall audio. I can't get enough of this. Ohio State just obliterated Michigan and I can't stop listening to Joe Nuxhall audio.

-Brad Spieser (

Locks of the Millennium

A couple of things before I get to my picks:

Don't forget, Buckeye fans, Ohio State still has a legitimate chance to back-door itself into the national championship game. Win today and pray for help.

Oregon is out of the picture. Missouri, Oklahoma and West Virginia are all on the road Saturday, favored by less than ten points. It's not inconceivable that all three of them could fall. Unlikely? Yes. But I'm telling you, it can happen. Especially with teams like Missouri, who have never played in games this big. Keep dem fangers crossed, boys and girls. Well, unless you hate Ohio State. Then you can play in traffic.

(Something funny before the gambling stuff: Desmond Howard keeps calling Kirk Herbstreit "Kurt." Idiot.)

Anyway, I'm currently riding my hottest streak of the season--my record stands at 10-10--and I'm planning on another 2-0 weekend. Should you wager all of your money on my picks? Of course, silly. Onto the locks...

I really think Boston College (+8.5) at Clemson is a decent play, my life, I've never seen a more lifeless team than Notre Dame. They shouldn't be giving points to anybody. So today, they're favored by six-and-a-half points at home against shitty Duke, and I'm not the least bit scared about risking my record on the Blue Devils. The pick, in case you didn't understand my last thirty words: Duke (+6.5) at Notre Dame.

NFL: Green Bay (9.5) vs. Carolina. Reason: You know, the whole Vinny Testafaggot thing.

-Brad Spieser (

Friday, November 16, 2007

R.I.P. Nuxie (1928-2007)

A good man has fallen.

-Brad Spieser (

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Guns, Snakes and Babies

I doesn't know much. But I does know that I never want to be within fifty feet of a gun, snake or baby. The way I see it, only bad things can come of me being near either of the three.

Consider what would probably happen if I came in contact any of them...

Gun: I accidentally shoot myself in face with gun.

Snake: Snake bites me to death.

Baby: I drop baby on its head.

You see what I mean? There's just no upside to surrounding yourself with guns, snakes or babies. I'm right about this.

(Note: I also don't want to be around old people, but that has nothing to do with their fragility. I just don't like old people.)

-Brad Spieser (

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Jim Rome vs. Jim Everett Never Gets Old

One of the five luckiest days of my life was watching the original airing of this on ESPN2.

How funny is it that Jim Everett was obviously rattled before flipping the table over? He asked a question that made no sense, "How many sacks did I have in that game?" What? And then he made even less sense with his first threat, "Let me tell you a little secret, if you want to take a station break..." Huh? This guy was an NFL player and he was getting nervous over threatening a weasel like Jim Rome. This where I'd like to make a snarky comment about this scene making more sense of Everett's crappy playing career, but that isn't the case.

Did you know that Jim Everett had five seasons of 20-plus touchdown passes, including a high of 31. To put that in perspective, Troy Aikman only threw 20 touchdowns once in his Hall of Fame career.

And no, I didn't just say that Everett was better than Aikman. You should play in traffic for even thinking that.


-Brad Spieser (

Somebody Get Spike Lee on the Phone

I hate to bring up the race issue again, but some dickhead named Jeff Svoboda gave me no choice. The aforementioned dickhead wrote a column Wednesday for about Buckeye WRs Brian Hartline and Brian Robiskie being The New OSU Odd Couple. Svoboda writes about their differences in personality and playing style, and by all accounts, they do make a bit of an odd couple.

But, was the obvious question posed?

Were Hartline and Robiskie ever asked about the color of their skin, and how it might affect their relationship, or how they're perceived? Of course not. I mean, the title used the words Odd and Couple, and it was about a white guy and a black guy...everybody who read the heading was thinking the same thing. So why not ask the question?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm making an issue where there isn't one. To that, I would say...relax (or as Alan Cutler would say, "take a chill pill, pally." Kill me.) But anyway, I realize a white guy and a black guy being close friends isn't a big deal. In fact, it's not a deal at all. Believe me, I UNDERSTAND THIS. But, it is part of the equation here, and it was certainly implied (at least to me) by the "Odd Couple" heading.

I want you to think back a few years...

Do you remember when Bryant Gumbel did a Real Sports piece on Tony Kornheiser, Michael Wilbon and the meteoric rise of PTI? In my years of watching Real Sports, that was hands down my favorite feature. This was partially because I love Kornheiser and Wilbon, but mostly because of Gumbel asking the obvious question to Kornheiser: "How much does race play a role in the show's success?" It turned out that I loved TK's answer (he admitted that race was the most important element to the show's success), but I would have loved the question regardless. We were all thinking it, you know, so why not ask it?

This is why Jeff Svoboda will never be as relevant as Bryant Gumbel. But I guess you already knew that.

-Brad Spieser (

Big, Giant, Huge Balls

I'm pretty sure the two acts of bravery that trump all others are:

1. starting a standing ovation, and

2. reaching your arm into closing elevator doors.

Translation: Being a police officer in Over-the-Rhine is overrated.

-Brad Spieser (

Scenario Time, Baby

Four days before No. 1 Ohio State's devastating loss at the hands of Illinois I posted something in this space with the heading, "Ohio State Might Win the Next Two Titles." And as ridiculous as it seemed then, it wasn't that ridiculous. The thing is, it still isn't. Well, it kind of is, but it's not an impossibility. Just here me out.

Here's the current BCS top 7, and their remaining schedule:

1. LSU (at Ole Miss, vs. Arkansas, SEC Championship vs. Georgia/Tennessee/Florida)

2. Oregon (at Arizona, at UCLA, vs. rival Oregon State)

3. Kansas (vs. Iowa State, neutral field vs. Missouri, potential Big 12 championship vs. Oklahoma)

4. Oklahoma (at Texas Tech, vs. rival Oklahoma State, Big 12 championship vs. Kansas/Missouri)

5. Missouri (at Kansas State, at Kansas, potential Big 12 championship vs. Oklahoma)

6. West Virginia (at Cincinnati, vs. UCONN, vs. Pitt)

7. Ohio State (at Michigan)

Question: Does every team Nos. 1-6 have a losable game on their schedule?

Answer: Uh-Huh

Let's have a mini-breakdown of what could happen, in order:

11/17: Ohio State beats Michigan; Cincinnati beats West Virginia. Aftermath: Ohio State moves up to No.6; Top 5 stays the same.

(Note: I believe Ohio State will take care of Michigan, but I'd be surprised if Cincinnati can stay within two touchdowns of West Virginia)

11/24: Missouri soundly defeats Kansas; Oregon loses to UCLA; Oklahoma State shocks Oklahoma. Aftermath: Ohio State moves to No. 3, with Missouri jumping to No. 2 and LSU again holding down the top spot.

(Note: My scenario for 11/24 is where the plot becomes somewhat unrealistic. I'd be surprised if Oregon lost one of their remaining three, but it's not unfathomable. Remember, none of Oregon's players have played in games this big so the likelihood of a tightened sphincter is very real. As for Oklahoma losing, again, it probably won't happen in the regular season, but I need it to for this scenario to play out.)

12/1: LSU loses to Florida/Georgia/Tennessee in SEC championship game; Missouri loses for second time to Oklahoma. Aftermath: Ohio State moves to No. 1. As for No.2, chaos would ensue. I can't see current No. 8 (and one-loss) Arizona State back-dooring their way in. I also have a hard time seeing any team with two losses make an appearance, which would wipe out pretty much everybody else (unless Georgia--who might be playing better than anyone--wins out by a margin of 20-30 points). As for one-loss Kansas, scratch them off the list, because they didn't even win their own division, much less the Big 12. And forget about Hawaii, too. No explanation needed.

So who does that leave?

I doesn't know and I doesn't care. All I know is that Ohio State has a legitimate shot of sliding into the BCS title game. Hell, as I just pointed out, they have a very real shot at being the No. 1 team going into said contest.

So...I would say the chances of this happening aren't great. But there not terrible, either. If I were a handicapper, I'd place the odds at 50/1. Like I said, not great, but not terrible.

So you're telling me there's a chance? Yep. Which reminds me...

Be positive, Buckeyes fans. And you should probably pray (or whatever).

-Brad Spieser (

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It's Official...Sean Landeta is Terrified

This post is against what I believe in. I generally try to refrain from posting links to stuff other people wrote. I think I do this to avoid being referred to as a blogger. I also think it's lazy, which is a weird thing to be concerned with since, you know, I'm a lazy person. But anyway, I thought the following excerpt from Gregg Easterbrook's usually unreadable TMQ was too interesting not to post.

(Note: I posted a new podcast. Listen. And I'm leaving up the hippy/dog owner poll question for another day. I've never been so happy to aggravate two segments of society.)

Anyway, enjoy Easterbrook's words about my new hero:

TREND 3: Now for some good news. There's a high school in Arkansas that has made the most significant football innovation we've seen since the veer option. This high school is tearing up its state and is on the verge of revolutionizing the way football is played. TMQ suspects that within a few years, the phrase "Pulaski theory" will be as widely known as the phrase "shotgun spread." In a copycat sport, Pulaski Academy of Little Rock has devised an offensive philosophy that is genuinely new, and it's winning games left and right.

Pulaski Academy does not punt.

I first heard about Pulaski from Peter Giovannini of Morrilton, Ark., a high school football official who wrote me to report in astonishment that he had just worked a conference championship game in which the winning team never punted, even going for a first down on fourth-and-6 from its own 5-yard line early in the game. "As a devotee of TMQ, I thought you might like to know at least one coach in the vast football universe has experienced the epiphany and refuses to punt the ball away," Giovannini wrote.

That team was Pulaski -- 9-1-1 after having just won its opening-round game in the Arkansas 5A playoffs. Coach Kevin Kelley reports that he stopped punting in 2005 -- after reading an academic study on the statistical consequences of going for the first down versus handing possession to the other team, plus reading Tuesday Morning Quarterback's relentless examples of when punting backfires but going for the first down works. In 2005, Pulaski reached the state quarterfinals by rarely punting. In 2006, Pulaski reached the state championship game, losing by one point -- and in the state championship game, Pulaski never punted, converting nine of 10 fourth-down attempts. Since the start of the 2006 season, Pulaski has had no punting unit and never practices punts. This year, Pulaski has punted just twice, both times when leading by a large margin and trying to hold down the final score. In its playoff victory Friday night, Pulaski did not punt, converting three of four fourth-down tries.

"They give you four downs, not three," Kelley told TMQ. "You should take advantage. Suppose we had punted from our own 5. The odds are the opposition will take over at about the 35, and from there the stats say they have an 80 percent chance of scoring. So even if you only have a 50 percent chance of converting the first down, isn't that better than giving the other side an 80 percent chance of scoring?" For fourth-and-short attempts, the odds of converting are a lot better than 50 percent.

As TMQ endlessly notes, NFL teams convert about 75 percent of fourth-and-1 tries. Yet highly paid professional coaches endlessly send in the punt unit on fourth-and-1, handing a scoring opportunity to the opposition. In the 2006 edition of my annual don't-punt column, I summarized the odds this way: "Nearly three-quarters of fourth-and-1 attempts succeed, while around one-third of possessions result in scores. Think about those fractions. Go for it four times on fourth-and-1: Odds are you will keep the ball three times, and three kept possessions each with a one-third chance of a score results in your team scoring once more than it otherwise would have. Punt the ball on all four fourth-and-1s, and you've given the opponents three additional possessions. (It would have gotten one possession anyway when you missed one of your fourth-and-1s.) Those three extra possessions, divided by the one-third chance to score, give the opponent an extra score."

Kelley says that when he began to shun the punt, people thought he was crazy: "It's like brainwashing, people believe you are required to punt." Players and the home crowd needed to get acclimated to it. "When we first started going on every fourth down," he says, "our home crowd would boo and the players would be distressed. You need to become accustomed to the philosophy and buy into the idea. Now our crowd and our players expect us to go for it, and get excited when no punting team comes onto the field. When my 10-year-old son sees NFL teams punting on short yardage on television, he gets upset because he's grown up with the idea that punting is usually bad."

Preparing the players for the no-punting future of football is a practical concern. If a coach unexpectedly kept his offense in on fourth down in his own territory, and failed to convert, the crowd would boo and the defensive players become demoralized. If the defensive players understood that a no-punting philosophy occasionally would hand great field position to the other side but overall would keep the other side off the field, they would buy into the idea. Imagine, in turn, the demoralizing effect on the opposition if its defense stops its opponent after three downs, only to realize that no punt will follow. For the 2007 edition of my anti-punting column, the stats service AccuScore did thousands of computer simulations based on 2006 NFL games and found that, on average, rarely punting added one point per game to the score of the teams that didn't punt, while not adding any points to their opponents' final scores. Computer simulations showed that rarely punting amounted to roughly one additional victory per season at the NFL level. At the college and high school levels, the bonus might be even higher.

Why do coaches punt on fourth-and-short -- and worse, when trailing or in opposition territory? "Most punting is so the coach can avoid criticism," says Kelley, who has coached Pulaski for five years and got his start in high school coaching in football-crazed Texas. "If you go for it and fail, the first question in the postgame press conference will be, 'Aren't you to blame for losing the game because you didn't punt?' If the coach orders a punt, the media will blame the defense." TMQ has always speculated that the desire to shift blame explains why big-college and NFL coaches send in the punting team. But take note, these days, the media and the postgame news conference are factors even at the high school level.

Pulaski Academy is providing real-world evidence of the future of football. The most important innovation in years is being field-tested by the Pulaski Bruins, and the test is going quite well. But don't just take Kelley's word for it. The decisive snap of Illinois' upset of No. 1 Ohio State on Saturday came when the Illini, leading 28-21 with six minutes remaining, went for it on fourth-and-1 in their own territory. Sports radio generally called this a huge gamble. Actually, it was playing the percentages; Illinois converted and held the ball for the remainder of the game. Had Illinois boomed a punt, the Buckeyes would have been in business. On Sunday, while trailing at Washington, Philadelphia went for it on fourth-and-1 in its own territory in the second half -- Fox television announcer Daryl Johnston called this "a huge gamble!" It was playing the percentages; the Eagles converted, and they scored a touchdown on the possession, igniting a comeback. Trailing 10-2, Buffalo went for it on fourth-and-1 from the Dolphins' 24 in the fourth quarter: a conversion, followed by a touchdown on the possession, keyed the Bills' comeback. Leading defending champion Indianapolis 16-0, San Diego went for it on fourth-and-2 at the Indianapolis 37, converted and scored a touchdown on the possession, going on to win by two points. Three times Jacksonville went for it on fourth-and-short in Tennessee territory, all three times converting and going on to score touchdowns; the Titans went for it on fourth-and-short twice in return, once failing and once scoring a touchdown. As noted by reader Rene Derken of Leuth, the Netherlands, Green Bay went for it twice on fourth-and-short in Minnesota territory, both times scoring on the possession -- but Minnesota punted from the Green Bay 42. Carolina went for it on fourth-and-1 from the Atlanta 20, and the play reached the Falcons' 2 before the Panthers' runner fumbled. Yes, New Orleans failed on a fourth-and-1 attempt in its own territory and went on to lose, and San Francisco failed on a fourth-and-1 on the Seattle 2-yard line when trailing big. But of the high-profile fourth-down tries in the NFL and in the Illinois-Ohio State game this past weekend, 10 were a total success, one a qualified success and three a failure. Not too shabby, compared with passively punting the ball.

And consider the punts that boomed when a play should have been run. Trailing 10-0, San Francisco (2-6) punted on fourth-and-1 from their 48-yard line and several minutes later was trailing 17-0. When the game was still tied, the Giants punted on fourth-and-2 from the Dallas 45. Not coincidentally, by game's end they were desperate for points.

Thank God for people like Kevin Kelley, Mike Leach and Mike Martz.

-Brad Spieser (

Does This Make Me a Gay?

I can't stop listening to this song:

I know, I know, this does make me a gay. Perhaps the question should have gay does this make me?

Either way, I ain't gonna stop gayin' it up just because you call me names.

-Brad Spieser (

Monday, November 12, 2007

Quote of the Millenium

Kim Kardashian, moments before agreeing to do a Playboy spread: "Ever since the sex tape scandal I need to be really careful at how I'm perceived."

Yeah, idiot, taking all of your clothes off will do wonders for your whorish image.

But anyway...

I posted a new podcast, and it's quite enjoyable. It's titled "craigs quadraplegic uncle--hbo show idea." Go listen. Then die.

One more thing: Please vote on today's poll question regarding annoying people. I apologize for not including a tie as a possible option.

-Brad Spieser (

Saturday, November 10, 2007

China + Math = Bad Math

Two giant (literally!) Chinese basketball players played on the same court Friday night. Their names are Yao Ming and Yi Jianlian, I'm guessing you've heard of them (they're the gay looking men pictured above). Anyway, this was a really big deal in Chineseland. I know this because of a report out of China that this game was viewed by an estimated 100-200 million people.

While you might be thinking "Wow, that's a lot of people watching basketball on color televisions," all I can think is...Thanks for narrowing it down, assholes!

100-200 million? Really? That's like saying I weigh between 49 and 3,475 lbs.

Clean it up, Chinese peoples.

(New podcast to be posted later.)

-Brad Spieser (

Todd Boeckman Stinks...I Knew It

The defense was atrocious, I know this. So do you. They couldn't get a stop when they needed it. But, but...Todd Boeckman was a freaking disaster. All three of his interceptions were awful decisions. The first and second turnovers were thrown painfully late, and the third was a panicked heave into double coverage.

The third pick was especially painful. For the first time since the 1st quarter, Ohio State had momentum on their side. They were trailing by a touchdown and had finally figured out--or so I thought--that Boeckman's scrambles were the best offense. I guess some of the blame, then, would have to fall on Tressel's shoulders for not instructing Boeckman to run more often. But he wasn't the dope throwing the ball.

My friend Kevin was right, I shouldn't have started writing about the Buckeyes...I jinxed 'em.

And I was right...Todd Boeckman stinks.

I'm going to hang myself. Please wear black to my funeral. And don't forget to tell my mother a nice story about me.

UPDATE: Kevin just sent me a pleasant text. It read: "Fuck You."

I'm going to end Kevin's life before I end my own.

-Brad Spieser (

Friday, November 9, 2007

Katie Holmes + Bouncing Rack = Good Video

Getting old sucks. It's true. I'm just not as sharp as I was last year, when I was 26, or the year before that, when I was a year younger than 26.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about: While Katie Holmes was running the NYC Marathon five days ago it somehow slipped my mind that this could be an excuse for me to show her most delicious display of televised jogging.

Maybe you knew this, maybe you didn't, but in 1998, Holmes--then 19--appeared in a music video where, apparently, the entire job description was "jogging and not wearing a bra." Yippy!

Anyway, sorry for the tardiness. Now go watch the aforementioned goodness from Katie Holmes (the rack-bouncing begins a little before the 2:00 mark):

Okay, leave me's time for me to eat a bowl of oatmeal before I fantasize about Rue McClanahan

-Brad Spieser (

Locks of the Millennium Before I Play Nappy Time

NCAA: Fresno State (+17.5) at Hawaii.

Reasoning: I desperately need Hawaii to win 11 games this season--so you know I'm rooting for the Islanders--but I'd be hesitant to lay points against St. Xavier at this point. Trust me, if Hawaii goes undefeated they will unquestionably go down as the worst batch of sucks to ever compete in a BCS game. Thems the facts.

NFL: Atlanta (+4) at Carolina.

Reasoning: I live by one rule, and it's this: Always bet against Vinny Testaverde, regardless of circumstance. But, since he's (a.) old enough to be my father, and (b.) quarterbacking a team favored by more than a field goal it's even that much more intriguing. Makes sense, don't it?

(And yes, I know that undrafted rookie Matt Moore might start in place of Testabutt. In that case, the same rules apply.)

I'm calling my shot, boys and boys...after this weekend, my record will stand at 10-10. Or maybe not. Either way, I want to to trip on something.


-Brad Spieser (

Thursday, November 8, 2007

This Happened in Buffalo, New York

This is big. My life is almost complete. All that's left is beating Contra with only three guys. And meeting Serena Williams. And I kind of want to learn how to play the harp. After that, the Man Upstairs (or whatever) can take me away.

Thanks to reader Tony for the picture.

(Listen to the podcasts, people.)

-Brad Spieser (

Craig Loves Eddie Vedder More Than I Love Breakfast Sandwiches

Craig came over my house Wednesday (for a podcasting/gay sex session) and he reminded me once again just how much he wants to fellate Eddie Vedder. He did this by showing me his collection of Pearl Jam CDs. If you were to guess how many of these discs he owned, with the knowledge that Pearl Jam has only produced eight studio albums, what would your number be? 50? Not even close. 75? Try again, jerk. 150? Believe it or not, higher. I'm not joking when I say that my friend Craig owns 173 Pearl Jam CDs. ONE-HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY-THREE! It's possible that his fanaticism towards Pearl Jam eclipses mine for Nickey Maxwell Van Exel. Well, maybe not, but it's in the same ballpark. Anyway...

Craig's gayness for the Seattle-based rockers reminded me of a time when he was shown the brilliant video you're about to watch. Without spoiling the fun, I'll just let you know that "Yellow Ledbetter" is his favorite song of all time. Period. I think he finds great meaning in it or something.

True or False: Craig thought the video was complete bullshit and claims to know all of the words to "Yellow Ledbetter?"

The answer is (of course) true.

Craig's life might be worse than mine.

-Brad Spieser (

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Ohio State Might Win the Next Two National Titles

Site Update: New podacst has been posted. Go listen to the track titled "we hate golf people." Do it, jerk.

Twice in the last two weeks I've received text messages from my friend Kevin in California with a simple theme: Don't start writing about the Bucks now--you'll jinx 'em.

Sorry, but I can't help it. This team deserves my time. Anyway...

I've been known to look ahead every now and again. This is even more true when it comes to Ohio State football. This is because they are the one constant in my life--even when things reached low points, like the end of the John Cooper era, I knew that was as bad as it would ever get. That being the case, I never feel bad about looking ahead to things like next year's schedule and future recruiting classes. You don't always have to savor the present when the future is just as bright.

(By the way...did you ever realize that rooting for a college football powerhouse is the exact same thing as rooting for the Yankees? Seriously. I constantly complain about the stupidity of MLB, and how the lack of a salary cap is killing the game. The way the game is currently set up, the Yankees will always be--at worst--an 85-90-win team, with an outstanding shot at winning every World Series between now and the end of time. Which is precisely my situation as a hypocritical Ohio State fan. Tons of cash, tradition, in-state recruiting made easy, etc., make it impossible for the Buckeyes to ever truly stink. Translation: Nothwestern football fans have a lot in common with Kansas City Royals diehards)

OK, back to my reason for looking ahead...

Did you know, Buckeyes fans, that the best thing that could ever happen to the program would be a national title matchup against the upstart Kansas Jayhawks? Trust me, if the Buckeyes take care of beeswax and make it to New Orleans, you want to be facing Kansas.

This is not just because of the overwhelming disparity in talent between the two schools, although that certainly is a factor. It goes much deeper than that.

Here's a breakdown of what could potentially happen if a few breaks go Ohio State's way in the next fourteen months:

1. Beat Illinois. Beat Michigan. Likelihood: Slam dunk. I think.

2. Kansas finishes the regular season undefeated (at Oklahoma State, home versus Iowa State and No.6 Missouri), followed by a victory over top 5 Oklahoma in Big 12 championship game. Doing this will almost certainly push Kansas past one-loss Oregon, one of the two teams it currently trails. As for one-loss LSU--the other team--they probably have to lose, because I don't see any way pollsters won't keep them No. 2 if they finish with just one loss, and that'd be too much for Kansas to overcome. Either way, LSU could lose another game. The problem is that the worst matchup for LSU in the SEC title game would be Florida, and right now Florida is on the outside looking in. Anyway, for the sake of this column I'm making Kansas undefeated and ahead of LSU and Oregon in the final BCS standings, cool? Likelihood: Below average, but much crazier shit has happened.

3. Ohio State soundly defeats Kansas 30-10 to win the 2007 national championship. Besides the obvious difference in talent (as mentioned earlier), Ohio State won the game because they (a.) never forgot what is was like to get pummeled by Florida, so they (b.) worked their collective asses off during the seven-week layoff in preparation for Kansas, which (c.) kept them from buying into the hype that comes with being a two-touchown favorite against a perceived lesser opponent.

This attitude is fueled not only by last year's meltdown, but by the lack of respect that's been shown to this year's No. 1 team. Really, it's been sickening to hear Ohio State continually bashed because of what happened last year and because of the weak schedule.

I get angry (effectively making me a dork) when I hear OSU routinely crapped on, but it's the best thing that's happened to this bunch on a week-in-week-out basis. Nothing motivates athletes more than disrespect, and relatively speaking, this team is beyond disrespected. By my math, the Buckeyes have fourteen contributing players that will be drafted in the top three rounds when their time comes (in order of jersey number): Marcus Freeman; Malcolm Jenkins; Brandon Saine; Ray Small; Larry Grant; Donald Washington; Anderson Russell (my hero); Chris Wells; James Laurinitis; Vernon Gholston; Kirk Barton; Alex Boone; Brian Robiskie; Cameron Heyward. Fourteen guys who are heavy contributors! Of the fourteen, Jenkins, Wells, Laurinitis, Gholston, Heyward and probably Robiskie are first-rounders. Six guys! That's a staggering number that might even grow. The thing is, nowhere in my top-three-rounds projection was there a mention of Todd Boeckman (stock rising), Brian Hartline (white and athletic), Robert Rose (underachieving but immensely talented--should probably move to DT), Lawrence Wilson (injured but freakish for a DE--may be back for championship game), Chimdi Chekwa (biggest surprise of season), Doug Worthington (good now, better days ahead--wait 'til he adds twenty lbs.) or Jim Cordle (I don't know how to rate centers, but my understanding is that he'll play in the NFL). It's entirely possible that everyone I just mentioned will have meaningful careers at the next level. In fact, the only starters--besides offensive linemen--that I can't envision sticking in the league are Kurt Coleman, Todd Denlinger, Rory Nicol and the Fullback du jour.

I apologize for the tangent, but I think it helped make my point: This Ohio State team is is a force to be reckoned with, regardless of what Mark May says. And the fact that they can use Mark May's disrespectful words as motivation is a beautiful thing. Likelihood of Ohio State facing and soundly defeating Kansas to win the whole bag of onions: Below average, but again, crazier shit has happened.

Back to the dream scenario...

4. After Ohio State handles Kansas, they still have to hear about how they lucked out by not having to face LSU's overall talent or Oregon's too-fast-for-Big-Ten-country speed. This will allow Jim Tressel to play the disrespect card for the entire offseason. Yeah, we won, but nobody believes that we're a worthy champion. Likelihood: Once you get past the whole "Kansas playing for a title" thing, there is a great chance of this happening. If you're having trouble with the whole "Kansas playing for a title" thing, see points Nos. 3 and 4.

Upon hearing the national media discredit their accomplishments...

5. A handful (or maybe all) of the better draft-eligible players (Freeman, Jenkins, Laurinitis, Gholston, Boone and Robiskie) decide to return, with hopes of repeating. Matt Leinart returned for the glory, and he came up short. But what about the 06-07 Florida basketball team? They came back and cut down the nets again--so it wouldn't be unprecedented. Plus it would further cement their legacy, not only in Columbus, but nationally. Likelihood: No chance. Jenkins and Gholston are gone, and at least one other will follow.

But let's just say--again, for the sake of this column--that most of the guys return with hopes of going down in history as one of the best teams of all time. Combine that motivation with the "you got lucky, Kansas was terrible" thing, and you have an ultra-motivated bunch.

But wait, there's more...

7. Being that I look ahead, I can tell you that week three of the 2008 Ohio State schedule sees them travel to Southern California, to take on the mighty Trojans. I can assure you that Jim Tressel will not let an offseason go by without reminding his troops of how great and how talented USC is. This motivation worked beautifully in the 2005 and 2006 offseasons, when Tressel had his gang prepared to take on Texas early in each season. Trust me, Ohio State will not come out flat come September 13, 2008. Likelihood, assuming everything above has happened: Slam dunk.

8. Beat USC. Likelihood: Pretty good. Tressel likes being the underdog (just ask Miami).

9. Run through the remainder of the 2008 schedule with relative ease, including a thrashing of Les Miles and the Michigan Wolverines. Likelihood: Above average, at least in my fantasy sequence.

10. Win second straight National Championship. Likelihood: Screw it, that's a slam dunk.

This is the crap I think about all day long. I have problems.

(More Ohio State thoughts before the end of the week. For now, I have to eat a can of tuna before podcasting with my heterosexual lifemate, Craig)

-Brad Spieser (

I'm Somewhat Normal, All Things Considered

Let me let you in on a little semi-pathetic secret: I add random people on MySpace with hopes that they will find their way to this site. It's true. I figure if I throw enough shit against the wall--sooner or later--some of it will stick. Considering the amount of time it takes to add people (not much--I can do it while watching Golden State lose me money), it's certainly been worthwhile. I've gained some loyal readers with this method of operation, and I'll likely continue until I have a good reason to stop (read: win the lottery).

So...being that I add people I've never met, it's expected that I would come across all kinds of strange people. Take this idiot, for instance. When I randomly added this lunatic a few days ago I never thought I'd be writing about her. But that's her fault for being a stupid person.

Way way back on November 1, 2007, this is what I wrote about my distaste for classic rock music and the people who routinely listen to it:

"If classic rock is your favorite type of music...

I wouldn't be upset if you stopped breathing.

No explanation needed."

It was no big deal, you know? It was just an I-need-to-write-something-before-the-end-of-the-work-day post; the kind of thing I do a few times a week. And sure, I hate 98.3% of classic rock, just as I can't stand Bob Marley's tunes, but it's just an opinion, and never a reason to get bent out of shape. Or so I thought.

Before sharing my dialogue with the 44-year-old psycho named Decadent Jaz, it's more important to understand how I post my link to TwinKilling on MySpace. I post a clever heading in the "bulletins" section with hopes of intriguing people to the point of actually clicking the link (for the unique hits and whatnot). For the aforementioned post regarding classic rock music, I titled the bulletin "people i hate--classic rock is stupid people music." This will make sense when you see her opening remarks.

So here's the back-and-forth I had with this psycho less than two hours after I posted the bulletin:

From: Decadent Jaz
Date: Nov 1, 2007 5:16 PM

stupid people music?

From: Brad Spieser
Date: Nov 1, 2007 6:42 PM

sure. disagree?

From: Decadent Jaz
Date: Nov 1, 2007 6:44 PM (Note the snappy reply from this Frisch's waitress)

no music is stupid people music...all music is of value.
but since i like classic rock, among most genres of music, that makes me stupid so i'll take ya off my myspace, wouldn't want you to have stupid people on your friends list.

In case you have trouble interpreting things, this lady, a person old enough to be my mom, dropped me as a MySpace friend because I don't like a certain genre of music. This is not normal behavior.

The sad thing is that I tried to reply but her settings prevent non-friends from sending messages. This hurt my feelings because I wanted to remind her of how old she is. I also requested her online friendship again and she denied me. Which means I need some help from you peoples.

I need as many of you as possible to go to her MySpace page, add her as a friend, and send her the link to this website. In the meantime, tell her how old she is.

And then ask her why she's single...

(Ohio State stuff coming this afternoon.)

-Brad Spieser (

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

One of Life's Great Mysteries

Why do Asian girls always have flat butts? Anyone? Bueller?

(Note: Craig has officially gone into hiding. It's either that or he's dead or he's held the nice people at the golf course hostage. Regardless, the podcasts appear to be on hold for at least another day. I'm sure this news is crushing.)

-Brad Spieser (

Monday, November 5, 2007

I Should Never Make Fun of Anybody

Perhaps you've seen the video of the guy who learned how to sing "Stairway to Heaven" backwards. Supposedly this kook spent three months learning how to do this and performed it in front of confused pedestrians who were merely trying to walk down the street. He then played the video in reverse and synced it up to Zeppelin's music and it became something of a YouTube hit. Watch:

When I first saw this a few months back I thought "this dude needs to get a fucking life." Up until Sunday, I hadn't thought about the "Stairway" video since the first time I saw it, which is in the neighborhood of two months ago.

So what happened Sunday, Brad?

Well, I was sent another video where I was able witness another jerk-off accomplish something of absolutely no consequence. Have you seen the video titled "The Insane Quarter Trick?" If not, watch:

Just another dope spending all of his time figuring out how to execute a meaningless trick, right? Wrong. Sort of.

For the first time in my life I'm starting to realize that--while these gents are unquestionably giant bags of douche--they have at least accomplished something, which is more than I've ever been able to say about myself.

It's official, my life has reached an all time low. Suicide watch begins...right now.

(Note: Craig's temper prevented us from podcasting Monday. We rescheduled for Tuesday afternoon, which means there's about a forty percent chance he'll actually follow through.)

-Brad Spieser (

Craig and I are Changing the World (or Maybe Not)

New podcasts to be posted soon. In the meantime, vote on the new poll and listen to old podcasts.

In the next few days I will tell the story of the psycho MySpace lady and I'll go in depth on OSU football. I don't want to promise anything else because I'll almost certainly get distracted.

Please die. Please.

-Brad Spieser (

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Adrian Peterson is the Best Back in Football

Adrian Peterson spent his Sunday reminding Ladainian Tomlinson that his time at the top is a part of the past. Peterson is now the best runningback in the NFL, and frankly, anyone who disagrees is a moron.

Listen, I'm typically levelheaded when it comes to heaping such praise on the newest, the youngest, the next. This is why I'm still not completely on board with LeBron James. Oh sure, he's great, but he's still somewhat overrated, and he's nowhere near the class of somebody like Kobe. But Peterson...good Christ, he managed to further flatten my level head with his 296-yard record setting performance against the San Diego Chargers.

It might be unpopular to annoint the young buck to "greatest back in the league" status. This is especially true when you consider just how great Tomlinson still is. I should mention that this isn't a case of me trying to make a wild prediction and hope it makes me look smarter than I already look (which is really smart and stuff). Nope, this is what I believe to be absolute truth. And anyone who has watched Peterson this season will undoubtedly agree with me. It's either that or you're lying to yourself (kinda like anyone who says they enjoy listening to Bob Marley).

Don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger.

While we're here, how about a trip down memory lane (even if we have no memory of it)...

Boys and girls, I will now treat you to five minutes of Adrian Peterson's freshman highlight tapes. Freshman in high school, that is. Enjoy:

-Brad Spieser (

Saturday, November 3, 2007

This is Why I Stopped Gambling

It's staring me right in the face, and Vegas knows it. Nebraska is a three-touchdown underdog to perennial whipping boy Kansas. Kansas! Vegas is begging the gambling world to take Nebraska, and yet I still can't hold back. Vegas is telling me it's a loser, but I can't help myself. I'm an idiot. Oh well. Anyway...Kansas plays basketball, not football. And listen, I'm a believer in Mark Mangino and this Kansas team. They're good. I know they're good. They are much much MUCH better than Nebraska. This is even more true now that Nebraska QB Sam Keller is out for the season.'s Nebraska. They play football in Nebraska. They win titles at Nebraska. And now, they're getting three touchdowns from a team with a 700 lb. coach? Please. Gimme the Huskers (+20.5) at Kansas. In all honesty, though, I actually have a reason for selecting this as my NCAA Lock of the Millennium: Kansas is 8-0, and it's about time for them to play in a few close games. Really, that's it. Teams that haven't been there before--like this year's Kansas team--don't just stroll through a season by pummelling everyone on their schedule. Kansas wins, but close. If not, don't say I didn't warn you.

NFL Lock: Tennessee (-4) at Carolina. In depth analysis: Tennessee good, Carolina's QB's crappy.

Come Sunday night, my record this season will be 9-9, or maybe not. Forgive me for not being all that confident.

-Brad Spieser

Friday, November 2, 2007

White People Have No Chance: Part Deux

Follow up on my "White People Have No Chance" post: I always wonder about the lack of outrage for such idiotic comments. Why am I (seemingly) the only one who ever brings it up? I can't answer that question directly but I do have a way to solve the problem, and it is a problem. I started thinking about how a broadcaster could create outrage by changing a few words, but not necessarily the message. What if, say...Bob Costas, while referring to Kevin Curtis, called him a "spectacular honkey" instead of "more athletic than you think." Wouldn't that get the nation's attention? Of course it would...and yet, the difference between the two is negligible. Context is everything.

I am right about this. Anyone disagree? Email:

-Brad Spieser (aka "the original spectacular honkey")

Thursday, November 1, 2007

White People Have No Chance

I was just in the process of posting a truly unbelievable story about a 44-year-old psycho lady who dropped me as a MySpace friend as a result of my disliking of classic rock music. No joke. And then something happened that made me postpone the story about the middle aged idiot.

As I was watching the 3rd quarter of the Suns-Sonics match--you know, because I'm not a gay person--I heard TNT analyst Doug Collins describe Sonics forward Nick Collison, a white dude, like this: "He's a lot more athletic than you would think."


As much as Craig and I joke around with this topic, I can't think of anything that bothers me more than white guys being short changed for their athleticism. When are these assholes (highly paid broadcasters) going to realize that someone like Eagles WR Kevin Curtis isn't deceptively fast or more athletic than you think, that he's actually just really fucking fast or really fucking athletic?

That's all for now. I apologize for the blatant use of foul language. But not really.

I'll post the story about the psycho lady before the work day ends Friday.

-Brad Spieser

Things You Might Want to Know About Brad (Me)

If classic rock is your favorite type of music...

I wouldn't be upset if you stopped breathing.

No explanation needed.

-Brad Spieser