Saturday, September 1, 2007

Predictions, Thoughts and Other Words (in English)

The odds are pretty long that you'll read this before Ohio State begins their season versus the Fighting Penguins of Youngstown, America. But it won't be an impossibility, because it's not quite 9:00 on Saturday morning as I write this, and I'm blogging my fingers to the bone. Now that's dedication.

I doesn't exactly know what this post will look like in one hour. It's entirely possible that I won't even finish because, at the moment, I'm scratching my arms like a goddamn meth addict--and everybody knows that nothing in life will cause a man to be less irrational than an itch that won't go away. I'm pretty sure this is where I'm supposed to write a witty one-liner but all I can think about is scratching my elbow and/or launching this here laptop out the window.

One other thing about what I will always remember as "the itching fiasco of 2007": You knew this already, but I am a giant pussy. Even as I write this, I'm saying things to myself like "you can do strong, be tough...mind over matter." I'm not kidding, I simply have an itchy arm and I"m saying crap like "mind over matter," just so I can post a blog entry. Anyway, the sport of collegiate football...

(Note: There will be no flow to this post. Just read the words and understand them.)


1. Chris Wells will be the best RB in Ohio State history.

2. You will be annoyed at the amount of times Brent Musberger calls Wells "Beanie."

3. I will be just like everyone else and start calling Wells "Beanie," "Beans" or when I'm feeling nutty, "Beansie," before the end of September--and I will hate myself for it.

4. Brandon Saine will easily be the No. 2 RB, but Ohio State fans are overrating him. He will be very good (he's too fast for most of the Big Ten), but he isn't a natural runner like Wells. I know this because I'm a loser that has watched all of his high school highlight tapes.

5. Brian Hartline (white) is more athletic than Brian Robiskie (black), although neither hold a candle to Ginn or Gonzalez. Regardless, I see Hartline posting better numbers, and being a better player than Robiskie.

6. Speaking of white WRs, be prepared to fall in love with freshman Dane Sanzenbacher. Also, be prepared to hear him described as deceptively fast 6,774 times in the next four years. (Note: this is one of those situations where I want to kill everybody even though it hasn't happened yet. That's right, I'm predicting stupidity. I need help)

17. Without Ray Small, who's nursing an ankle injury, this team cannot win a national title. Now, I only give OSU a slim chance to win it all this season anyway, but that hope can be directly attributed to Small's ability to make you miss and take it the distance. By my count, he's the only player on the offense with Ginn's ability to receive a one yard pass and take it 85 yards. He's the best kick/punt returner on the squad and his game-breaking potential will be desperately needed when Todd Boeckman is struggling through an 8-21 performance at Penn Sate.

21. The O-line doesn't feature a single superstar. While the wackjobs at Bucknuts (the second best website on the planet, by the way) would like me to believe that Alex Boone and Kirk Barton are All-Americans, I know better. Translation: I watched the Florida game. Good O-line, not great.


28. This will be the best pass-rushing OSU team of my lifetime, especially when Robert Rose is playing inside. This is mostly because...

33. Vernon Gholston (and not Malcolm Jenkins or James Laurinitis) is the best player on the defense. He'll throw up 15 sacks this season and bolt a year early for the NFL.

34. Laurinitis is a really really really (x infinity) good linebacker, and yet, he is wildly overrated. Just trust me on this. And please, stop the A.J. Hawk comparisons before I murder people.

79. LB Larry Grant is my surprise pick to win the "Holy shit, who is this guy?" award. I'm mostly banking on this because of one play I witnessed from the spring game. I don't even remember the circumstances of the play, but he returned a fumble about 80 yards and, I swear to Christ, the 1988 version of Carl Lewis could not have hung with him. Hands down, Larry Grant is the fastest LB in OSU history.

173. Safety Anderson Russell is probably annoying, but definitely awesome. Anybody who watched intently last season knows that--before blowing out his knee against Iowa--he was probably the fourth best player on the D (behind only Gholston, Laurinitis and Jenkins). If his knee holds up, he will be an All-American one day. Lock it. Oh yeah, the annoying thing: his nickname is "100%," because he gives maximum effort in every practice, and I don't see any scenario where his teammates' appreciate his best Rudy impersonation. Would you? Just a hunch.

For no reason whatsoever I feel like piling on someone who just might be a heck of a nice guy...

13. Safety Nick Patterson (with the possible exception of Austin Moherman) is the worst player to ever start a football game at OSU. Just had to get that out there.

This concludes what is almost certainly the worst post of my blogging career. For that, I don't apologize.

Fuck you, I'm itchy.