Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Quick--Somebody get a Smart Person

This post is directed at men (males), but I really don't want to dissuade girl persons from reading it. I doesn't know what to tell you, gals, but maybe you'll learn a thing or twelve. If not--sorry for the inconvenience.

(Blog interruption: I'm not sure why, but I feel compelled to tell you that--at this very moment--I'm listening to No Doubt's "Bathwater" on iTunes. Question: Does that make me gay or really gay? Get back to me on that.)

As a guy, there are some things you just assume every other guy experiences, and yet, you never discuss them. Ever. Like multi-shot peeing (a term I just coined!). Further explanation below...


Q: What is multi-shot peeing?

A: It is when God hatefully decides--usually in the middle of the night--that instead of allowing your urine to flow out of the one tiny hole he created, he will somehow build a divider within said hole and force the projectile in two different directions (usually east and west, but never due south), effectively preventing you from hitting the desired target.

My question to y'all fellas: Does this happen to you, or do I have serious problems?

My question to any lady who is still reading: Is there an equivalent to this--perhaps something you could explain with PG-13 details?

Other things's...

I'm coming off a four-day bender, which means I need to do the exact opposite (a ten minute jog) to completely rid my body of all the leftover waste before I can resume my blogging responsibilities. When I return from my journey I intend to write like a bastard. I'd like to wrap up the weekend, call Pete Mackanin stupid, call Wayne Krivsky smart, make fun of Ohio State fans and probably write some more. I'd give myself an 80 percent shot at accomplishing these feats because I just swallowed 30 mg of Adderall. (Can I get a Hooray For Drugs!)

And for those of you who expected more Bengals coverage based on my blog from last season, I can tell you I will not let you down. I realize by this point last season I had delivered somewhere in the neighborhood of 20,000 words about my favorite professional football competitors, but--for several reasons--that would have been a near impossible feat this season. Plus, the preseason was easily the most boring of my adult life. I'll have a monster (relatively speaking) Bengals/NFL preview before Thursday night and extended coverage throughout the season.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go break a sweat.

P.S. I woke up early Saturday morning and banged out a mini (miniature) Ohio State preview before they ever started the season. Some of my predictions appear to be spot-on, some appear to be ridiculous. Either way, scroll down and check out my post titled "Predictions, Thoughts and Other Words (in English)." It's semi-decent literature