Thursday, August 30, 2007

I Lied About Some Words I Said

I promised an Ohio State preview at the end of my last post.

But my arm itches.

-Brad
8/31/07

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Landscapers are Dumber Than Most

Under most circumstances this would be a risky post, kinda like writing about sex and hoping your Mom doesn't read the dirty details. BUT...since I have no doubt that the mammal I'm about to semi-embarrass doesn't have a computer (or running water at his apartment, for that matter) I am officially worry free. Here's the transcript from an actual conversation between me and a nameless landscaper idiot:

Person who is dumber than me: Where's the bark behind the woodpile?

Me: (dumbfounded) Behind the goddamn woodpile!


That's all for now.

Here's something to excite you: Ohio State football preview coming Thursday night. Horny?

-Brad
8/29/07

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

My Vocabulary is Too Small

The list of great left-hander pitchers is full of memorable names...Lefty Grove; Lefty Gomez; Warren Spahn; Sandy Koufax; Randy Johnson; Tom Glavine; Tom Gorzelanny; Paul Maholm.

To quote Tony Kornheiser "that's it, that's the list.

This might be an all-time first, but I've run out of ways to say "I've run out of ways to say I want really bad things to happen to Reds Manager Pete Mackanin."

In case you don't know where this is headed, I'll try to spell it out for you.

The Cincinnati Reds played two games Tuesday.

The Reds' opposition, the Pirates of Pennsylvania, started a lefty in each match.

Josh Hamilton, the best goddamn player in the history of baseball, was kept out of the starting lineup for both games.

The Reds won exactly zero of those games.

For those of you who forgot your TI-82 calculators: Josh Hamilton has now been held out of the lineup five times in the last fourteen games.

As far as I can tell, Michael Vick is a far better human being than Mackanin.

-Brad
8/29/07

From the Prediction Deparptment...

The Reds face two left-handers in today's double-header against Pittsburgh, which means...

There isn't a snowball's chance in Price Hill that Josh Hamilton will start both contests.

Pass me the dynamite.

-Brad
8/28/07

Sunday, August 26, 2007

You Just Might Learn Something Today

Before I tackle the important matters, let me adress TwinKilling cohort Cam Carey: Hey idiot, stop taking everything I write literally. Also, you should use more capital letters...they're really EFFECTIVE!

Now that I've squashed that bug, have a peek at my Sunday night fantasy football project. Wess and I came up with the idea to blindly email 15-20 questions to each other on the topic of fantasy football and posting the answers in this space. Since I think I'm a fantasy expert, and since Wess technically is one (see his page), we felt as if this was the best way for us to serve the fine readers of this very decent website.

(Note: This might be a horrible decision on my part when you consider that I have a draft Monday night with people who would rather see me lose then to actually triumph themselves. Oh well.)

OK, the top section is Wess asking me questions and--stay with me, people--the bottom section is my questions to Wess. Understood? Enjoy...

1. Who is Andy Gresh on ESPN Radio? I was listening to this guy for 20 minutes today, and his created controversy of the day: "What's the difference between Travis Henry, Matt Leinart, and Tom Brady? They've all had babies out of wedlock." Gee, you think maybe it's because Travis Henry makes Shawn Kemp look like A.C. Green and he had to be dragged into the courtroom for child support? Nine kids with nine different women! Brady has one child from a long-term relationship, he took time away from his team to go to the hospital while the baby was being born, and he will be heavily involved in his child's life. No difference, right Andy? You dolt. Nine kids! Nine women!

Brad speaks: Never heard of Andy Gresh, but he's clearly more talented than me. Also, you sound like Brady's publicist--calm down. As for Travis Henry...did you ever think that maybe the condom broke nine times?

2. Speaking of Travis Henry, why are people so high on him this year? His value has been in a ditch for two years, and he's never been an above average runner. Throw in Shanahan's fickle nature, the presence of Mike Bell, and Henry's fumble & injury history, and it's a head-scratcher.

Brad speaks: Call me stupid, but I'm buying the Travis Henry hype. I'd certainly rather have him over Mike Anderson, Reuben Droughns, Tatum Bell and/or Mike Bell (aka the guys after Portis). Henry was pretty damn good last season, and he's certainly more talented than Mike Bell--I wouldn't be surprised to see a 1,500 yard, 15 TD season for him.

Also, you said "he's never been an above average runner." To that, I say...REALLY? Was his 2002 season of 1,438 yards and 13 TDs just plain old average? Or perhaps below average? Stop drinking so much hairspray.

Also also, the fumbling concern doesn't bother me unless it's a chronic, all-time-bad situation. Eric Dickerson, Jamal Lewis and Tiki Barber (to name a few) have all had fumbling issues, but managed to remain the starting RB because their backup wasn't anywhere near as good.


3. Could Ingle Martin or Chris Simms start for the Kansas City Chiefs if they had 3rd round "promise" like Brodie Croyle? Carl Peterson is a cretin.

Brad speaks: How do I answer this question, exactly? Am I just supposed to say "those guys are giant ball-sucking idiots" or do you really want me to break down the quarterbacking situation in Kansas City? I'm just going to move on to the next question because I like Carl Peterson's hair.

4. Is there a more overlooked superstar in the league than Lee Evans? Who is your choice? By the way, Trent Edwards is going to steal J.P. Losman's job from him by end of next season.

Brad speaks: More overlooked? Probably not, although I just wasted ten minutes trying to come up with one. I'd say, while not a superstar anymore, Fred Taylor had one of the most overlooked seasons of all time in 2006. I know he only scored 5 TDs, but 1,146 yards at 5 YPC--for the goddamn Jags--was pretty amazing. Not only did they not have a passing game to speak of, but Taylor had to share the ball with Jones-Drew.

Actually, you know what? Maurice Jones-Drew is the most overlooked superstar in the game. The dude scored 15 total TDs (on 5.7 YPC) even though he was barely used in a ton of games (he had nine freaking games with less than ten attempts, including five games with five or less). Plus, he had 46 receptions. He really didn't receive national attention until he ripped off that long TD versus New England, where he went to the turf and got up before being touched. I blame Andy Gresh.


5. Jack Del Rio and Mike Tice are running the Jaguars offense this year. Was Del Rio this much of a ninny before Tice came on board? He decides half-way through last season that David Garrard is a better QB than Leftwich. I know that's ludicrous, and you know that's ludicrous, but Del Rio & Tice: they don’t know. By the end of the year, Del Rio came to his senses and realized Leftwich is far better. This year's stunt: he's going to bench his starting receivers and plug in Dennis Northcutt & Ernest Wilford. The Titans and Vikings must be so jealous of that duo. Even worse, he's actually giving thought to taking goal-line carries away from a dynamo who scored 16 TDs last season and excelled in the redzone and giving them to a 250 pound plodder fresh off a 2nd ACL surgery. If Del Rio can't make a decision, how can you make one?

Brad speaks: Del Rio and Tice are the classic "my way or the highway" coaching meatheads, without the ability to recognize talent or re-invent the game (say what you want about Mike Martz, but at least the man has fresh ideas). All they are seemingly interested in is identifying the toughest players on the team, which is why they're probably trying to lure Chris Spielman out of broadcasting at this very moment. I will never understand how those idiots were ever given the keys to the Jeep--they are nothing more than position coaches.

Del Rio and Tice are the reason I'm once again not buying the hype surrounding Jacksonville. They are a 9-7 team at best, and one that--if they happen to make the postseason--will get handled easily.

(Note: For some reson I like Tice's pencil-on-the-ear look. Does that make me gay?)


6. Have you ever had Eddie Kennison on your fantasy football team? If so, please explain yourself.

Brad speaks: This is easily the funniest question so far, and you (the reader) will find out why in a moment.

I actually drafted Eddie Kennison his rookie season--this was when most leagues were TD-heavy leagues--and he came through with nine six-pointers. After that, I'm pretty sure the answer is "do I look stupid to you?"

I always get in arguments with chaps who draft Kennison. They say "yeah, but he had 913 yards and 5 TDs last season." and I say "and how does that help you win your fantasy league?" Look, I would much rather draft somebody like Matt Jones (a guy who will probably suck, yet has great ability) over a guy like Kennison (a guy who will give me six points every week). Why not swing for the fences...it's not as if I'm relying on my 5th receiver, you know? Fantasy football isn't won by drafting guys with a track record of being consistently average, and Eddie Kennison is the epitome of just that.


7. Name 3 past as well as 3 current members of the "Sean Dawkins All-Stars."

(Note from Brad: you will never ever ever ever ever catch a Sean Dawkins All Star on either one of our rosters. Ever. A "Sean Dawkins All Star" can best be described as a guy who routinely produces 750 yards and 4 TDs and yet--somehow--gets drafted every season in the last few rounds.)

Brad speaks: 3 past...how about Ike Hilliard, Darnay Scott and O.J. McDuffie? This list could go on forever.

3 present...The 2007 versions of Eric Moulds, Derrick Mason and the loathesome Amani Toomer.


8. Why is it that there's one guy in every draft who takes Devin Hester and believes he knows something that the rest of the league doesn't? If Hester ever has offensive fantasy value, I'll agree to trade for Warrick Dunn AND Fred Taylor. You have to touch the ball more than twice a game to have fantasy value.

Brad speaks: I'm mostly with you on Hester, and I happen to be the originial member of his fan club. But he does have crazy ability, which is why I'd rather take a 15th round flyer on him as opposed to an 11th round flyer on Derrick Mason. His fantasy stats won't come for a few years--if ever. That doesn't mean he won't have an impact this season in the win column, though. Think of yourself as a defensive coordinator: how would you like to deal with Devin Hester on 10 fake reverses, plus the two or three times per game when he's actually handed the ball? Think about the impact Reggie Bush had last season on Deuce McAllister, just on the plays where Bush was a decoy. Hester can do that for Benson and the Bears offense.

9. What are the odds that Kellen Clemens replaces Chad Pennington at some point during the 2007 season? I'm going 75%.

Brad speaks: In terms of talent, Clemens dwarfs Pennington, which is why I give Clemens a miniscule chance of taking over the job. I hate football coaches sometimes.

10. Is DeShaun Foster the Brandon Lloyd of RB's or is he the Wayne Fontes of RB's? Like Lloyd, he mixes one eye-opening play a game with a combination of dancing and disappearing acts. Like Fontes, he's the Rasputin of RB's. No matter how badly he plays, he shows somebody somewhere just enough to hang onto his job.

Brad speaks: Probably Lloyd. I have nothing witty to add here. Meat has a good taste when you eat it.

11. The easy pick for worst team in the league this year is of course the Oakland Raiders. Don't sleep on the cratering ship known as the Kansas City Chiefs. That's my darkhorse 3-win team this season. What is yours?

Brad speaks: SHHH! I'm betting the under this season on KC's win total, which I believe is holding steady at 7.5.

My sleeper pick for a 3-win team is Carolina. They've been consistently overrated (and often by me) since their run to the Super Bowl in 2003. I also happen to think Baltimore is wildly overrated--maybe not 3-13 bad, but 6-10 isn't out of the question. Miami and Tennessee will stink, as well, and the Jets won't sniff the playoffs.


12. Who was a better prospect coming into the league: Reggie Bush or Adrian Peterson? Bush had much more hype, but I think Peterson is the most impressive runner to come into the league since possibly Bo Jackson or Hershel Walker.

Brad speaks: This answer is simple: Bush. And I happen to think Peterson is one of the five best college RBs I've ever seen, but Bush...he's on a different level; I don't expect Peterson to pump out an 88-catch season anytime soon. Bush has only scratched the surface.

13. Frank Gore is falling to #6 in many re-draft leagues. How is this even possible? You know, it's rare to have a back-to-back #1 performer in fantasy leagues for two consecutive seasons. Given that premise, you have to pick a successor to Tomlinson this year. As much as I like Steven Jackson, I'm going with Frank Gore this year. He's like Ahman Green in his prime. Badass. Your choice?

Brad speaks: My choice would also be Gore, but that would make for boring reading. So how about a sleeper pick to be the No. 1 fantasy back in 2007? Ladies and ladies, I present Laurence Maroney. Before you go closing you laptops, here me out: He's got the size to get the goal line carries, and the speed/shiftiness to break off long runs. Plus, Dillon is gone. Plus plus, the Pats will be ahead at the end of most games, which gives Maroney a shot at the ever-important garbage numbers. It probably won't happen, but it certainly could.

14. Joseph Addai. Can he put up Edge-in-his-prime numbers for the Colts, or will he disappoint a lot of eager beavers this season?

Brad speaks: Edge-in-his-prime numbers? No effing chance, but that doesn't mean he won't be a top 5 RB this season. I'm not so high on "Addai the NFL player," but I really like (almost love) Addai the fantasy player." The real-life version of Addai isn't a top 15 RB, but the fantasy version...I just don't see any way he doesn't finish with 1,700 total yards and 12-14 TDs. And that's probably a little conservative.

15. One of the most common mistakes you see every year in fantasy football: the majority of owners draft defenses based on how they fared last season. That's no good. You can't get credit for those points this year. If you want last year's Bears or Ravens points, you should have drafted them last year. I saw the Bears go in the 4th round today and the Ravens in the 5th. Wait about 6 or 7 rounds and take the Chargers, Patriots or Jaguars instead. Who is your pick to jump above the Bears & Ravens this season?

Brad speaks: I would also go with the Chargers (Merriman: 17 sacks in 12 games last season..are you kidding me?), but--again--that would be boring. So I'll give you another sleeper.

My sleeper to be a top 10 defense would have been the Bengals, but Odell Thurman's suspension pushed them back to the bottom 10. Think about it, though: Jonathan Joseph was a monster last season, Delth O'Neal's in a contract year, Ahmad Brooks and Thurman are loaded with potential, and the Robert Geathers/Justin Smith DE combo is the best they've had in my twenty years as a fan. Anyway...

My out-of-nowhere sleeper to be much-improved would be Houston. I think if Mario Williams tosses up 15 sacks (which is plausible) he could make things a whole lot easier for folks like Demeco Ryans.


16. Which NFL team will have Michael Turner as its starting RB next season?

Brad speaks: I'm having trouble focusing at the moment, for a spider is darting beneath me at record speeds. I'm not kidding, this fucker must have sucked on a drop of Sobe before deciding to mess with me. Anyway...The Raiders are the obvious choice (unless the Lamont Jordan experiment soured them). You'd also have to assume that the Browns, Packers, Titans, Cards and maybe Cowboys could enter the mix.

17. Ronnie Brown or Willie Parker? Roy Williams or Andre Johnson? Jacoby Jones, James Jones, or Laurent Robinson? D.J. Hackett or Deion Branch? Rex Grossman or Brian Griese? Brodie Croyle or Jared Lorenzen? Jerry Porter or the flaming bag of dog shit on the old man's porch in Happy Gilmore?

Brad speaks: Fast Willie; Roy Williams (although both will be targeted a dickload of times); Jacoby Jones, but only because he's (a.) competing with a white guy and (b.) from the same college that produced Fred Lane (aka Fred Lane, dead person); D.J. Hackett, but only because you told me so; Oft-injured vs. fat...I'll take fat; the flaming dog shit, because he ran a 4.5 forty-yard dash at the combine. Jesus, I'm funny.

18. Have you ever given anything of value in a trade for Stacy Mack? Who is the new Stacy Mack? Could it be Brandon Jacobs (which would be ironic since Ruben Droughns is the old Stacy Mack)?

Brad speaks: The only reason Wess asked this question is to embarrass me. You see, I once traded Jeremy Shockey for Stacy Mack, in a TD-heavy, tight end-weighted 11-man keeper league. Wess hasn't stopped reminding me about this, and that was five years ago.

As for an answer, I don't know, how about T.J. Duckett?

And Jacobs will be far better than Mack ever was.


19. What is the over/under on amount of games before Brady Quinn hits the starting lineup?

Brad speaks: Being the resident gambling expert that I am, I would actually set the over/under at nine games.

20. What are the odds that JaMarcus Russell ever becomes a franchise QB? I'm going with 20%.

Brad speaks: I'm going slightly higher at 40%, if only because his ability is off-the-charts. "So what's holding him back?" you might be thinking. Well, I don't want to sound like a racist here, but my main problem with Russell is that he's black.

Just kidding, stupids.



Now for my peppering of Wess:

1. What off-the-radar sleeper (which means no Vincent Jackson) do you see posting semi-monster numbers in '07?

Wess speaks: There really are no off-the-radar sleeper QBs because of the nature of the position, but I'll choose Roethlisberger as the QB who will make the leap to the next level and Kellen Clemens as the non-starter who will make the leap to franchise QB later in the season. Off-the-radar RBs: Ronnie Brown is more overlooked than off-the-radar. If they give him the damn ball, he'll produce. Leon Washington is a guy who can't sustain a rushing attack, but he could generate some value in the role of a poor man's Reggie Bush. The Bears' Adrian Peterson could pull a Ladell Betts if Benson goes down. I'm going Ronald Curry at WR. He's far better than Jerry Porter, and the Raiders will have to throw to somebody. Wes Welker is being undervalued. Three 3rd round rookie WRs look like they have talent and opportunity: James Jones of GB, Jacoby Jones of HOU and Laurent Robinson of ATL. The tight end pick is easy: Owen Daniels is money this year. Jeff King of Carolina is a deep sleeper for deep leagues. Kicker: Steven Gostkowski or Mike Nugent. Watch out for the Packers defense.

2. In past years, I always wanted guys like Fred Taylor and Warrick Dunn to be drafted before I was presented with the option of taking them. This year, I have the same feelings about Shaun Alexander and Willis McGahee. It's not that I think these are bad players, it's just that I have a bad feeling about them and I'd rather see someone else deal with the potential headaches. My question: What players would you like to see drafted before you?

Wess speaks: Any member of the Kansas City Chiefs. Seriously. Clinton Portis. Cedric Benson. Edgerrin James. The old & the infirm: Isaac Bruce, Terry Glenn, Joey Galloway, Derrick Mason, and Joe Horn. Alge Crumpler and L.J. Smith.

3. Why do I think Tampa is going to be an above average fantasy squad this year? Why do I think Pittsburgh might be a top 8 fantasy offense this year?

Wess speaks: The first question: I have no idea. Tampa is atrocious. They still lack a quality QB, a good O-Line and any sign of playmakers. Does Garcia get a pass on the embarrassing eggs he laid in SF in '03, CLE in '04 and DET in '05 simply because he had an overly ballyhooed month with the Eagles last year? I'm with you on the Steelers. They have much better offensive weapons than commonly believed.

4. Why do I think Matt Schaub might be a top 15 QB?

Wess speaks: Top 15? It's definitely possible. They're going to notice a huge difference in Houston between Schaub and Carr. So this is what a pro football franchise is supposed to look like?

5. Give me a few well-known players that will exceed the expectations of so-called experts? How about a few who won't live up to the hype? (Note: The latter category doesn't mean you believe they'll stink--think a solid, but not spectacular Tiki Barber in 2006)

Wess speaks: Exceed: Roethlisberger, Kitna, Leftwich, Schaub, Tarvaris Jackson, Adrian Peterson, Ronnie Brown, LenDale White, Jamal Lewis, Ahman Green, Roy Williams, Andre Johnson, Lee Evans, Hines Ward, Reggie Brown, Heath Miller, Marcedes Lewis. Disappoint: Tony Romo, Jay Cutler, Rex Grossman, J.P. Losman, Chad Pennington, Larry Johnson, Travis Henry, Marshawn Lynch, Edgerrin James, Torry Holt, Darrell Jackson, Chris Chambers, Jerricho Cotchery, Alge Crumpler, Randy McMichael.

6. What established player do you see having a career year, only to fall back to mediocrity soon after (think Brett Perriman in 1995)?

Wess speaks: Jon Kitna is a good candidate at QB. Bulger is in for an outlier type of season, but he's been better than mediocre for his career. I'm leery of both Brandon Jacobs & Cedric Benson, but they may be better bets for this year than for a long career. I could see Tatum Bell being the RB answer here. I'm not a Deion Branch guy, and you could argue about whether he's been mediocre or not (I'd say definitely mediocre as a fantasy entity), but he could take the honors as Darrell Jackson's flanker replacement in Seattle. Ronald Curry, Bernard Berrian, and D.J. Hackett are possibilities here too. Bo Scaife or David Martin could be the tight answer.

7. Name a backup (besides Michael Turner) who--if given the opportunity--would post really good numbers?

Wess speaks: I guess Ladell Betts doesn't count either. I mentioned the Bears' Adrian Peterson, and Mewelde Moore once had an October where he was among the most productive fantasy players in the game. If DeAngelo Williams counts as a back-up, I'm taking him. If not, I'll go with the rookie Brian Leonard of the Rams who can do it all in the backfield.

8. Which runningback-by-committee situations should I worry about? Which ones aren't that big of a deal?

Wess speaks: Worry about: Carolina, Dallas, Green Bay, Atlanta, Tennessee, and Buffalo. Carolina is still messing around with Foster; Dallas is going to keep the same arrangement, but Barber won't hit paydirt 16 times again; both Green Bay backs are underwhelming; Norwood won't push Dunn aside yet, and Snelling may swipe goal-line carries; LenDale White may take the reigns, but he's still fat and immature; Lynch may not be able to shake coach's favorite A-Train. Don't Worry About: Reggie Bush in New Orleans, Maurice Jones-Drew in Jacksonville, Adrian Peterson in Minnesota, and Brandon Jacobs. I'm even going to go out on a limb and say Tatum Bell will stay startable in Detroit.

9. Are any Nate Burleson-in-2005 situations out there, where everybody is drinking the Kool Aid and ignoring the warning signs?

Wess speaks: Travis Henry in big neon lights. Tony Romo. Vince Young. Jay Cutler. Possibly Joseph Addai just for how strong the kool-aid is. Maybe Marques Colston.

10. What preseason injuries should concern me? Which injuries aren't that big of a deal?

Wess speaks: Concern: Clinton Portis. That knee injury has just been too nebulous for me. Kevin Jones won't play for 6 weeks. I'm more concerned than I should be about Torry Holt's knee and Thomas Jones' lower leg. Terry Glenn is an old WR with troubling leg injuries. I still worry about Winslow's ability to hold up and produce after micro-fracture surgery. L.J. Smith's groin injury isn't going away. Not concerned: Frank Gore's hand, Donovan McNabb's knee, Tatum Bell, Donald Driver, and Tony Scheffler. Can't get a read: Travis Henry & Randy Moss.

11. Do you agree with me for calling people stupid for drafting Eddie Kennison at any point over the last seven years?

Wess speaks: Absolutely. 1st ballot "Sean Dawkins Hall of Famer."

12. Does it aggravate you to constantly hear so-called experts preaching "runningback-runningback in the first two rounds?" There's more than one way to skin a cat, you know?

Wess speaks: Great timing. I've been holding court at the bar for two days on this issue. "Experts" always say get your RBs early. I always say build the best team possible regardless of position. You have to be to adjust to the players and positions being taken along with who is already on your roster. Experts also say don't worry about defense and kicker, and they're wrong about that one too.

13. Why do you hate Tony Romo?

Wess speaks: I don't hate Tony Romo. I just think the hottest streak of his career came in the first 6 or 7 games of his career. Defensive coordinators have had a full offseason to work on his weak spots like an evil wrestler. OK, I don't like Tony Romo, but it's more about football announcers and so-called experts than about Tony Romo. A few good games didn't make him one of the best QBs in the league, but that's all you heard about for a huge stretch of last season.

That concludes the topical portion of this post--now for a trip down memory lane (or something gay like that)...

14. What player(s) produced your favorite "where did that come from" season?

Wess speaks: Patrick Jeffers? Completely blew my mind (and his QB that year, Steve Beuerlein was a good one too). Kurt Warner may have had the most unexpected season in fantasy football history. Billy Volek's stretch run a couple of years ago. 1995 had 2 of the most bizarre QB seasons: The Water Buffalo, Scott Mitchell, in Detriot and Erik Kramer had the best statistical season of any Bears QB in history. Running backs are a bit tougher, but I was shocked by Lamar Smith's 2000 season. I seem to remember guys like Bernie Parmalee, Erric Pegram, Derek Loville, and Rod Bernstein having wacky seasons. Remember Glenn Foley's opening day game in 1998? 415 yards, 3 TDs, and Al M*******'s mad dash to the waiver wire.

Reader note: The last line would be a lot funnier if you knew, Al M., who is a mutual friend, and possibly the most irrational fantasy owner on the planet.

15. What player projection are you man enough to admit you flat-out missed?

Wess speaks: Possibly my most egregious miss was Kevan Barlow. I thought he was a top 10 talent at RB. I've never had David Carr on a fantasy squad, but I thought he was going to be a great QB when he came into the league. I'm sure you remember a few more.

16. Do you want to tell the Amani Toomer story, or should I?

Wess speaks: You tell it. Even though it was me that benefited, I think that turn of events had a much greater impact on you.

Note: Amani Toomer story coming soon.

Bonus Round...

17. Why does Pete Mackanin continue to sit Josh Hamilton against lefties? Why aren't more people outraged over this?

Wess speaks: The easy answer is because it's August and nobody is paying attention to the Reds anymore. Maybe if they reel off another 5 or 6 in a row the team will be under the microscope again, and you'll find that outrage. The less easy answer is that Norris Hopper does the "little things" which endear a player to his manager and casual fans while Hamilton has been on and off the DL. By the way, once again Adam Dunn is the best player on the team. Why do you hate Jeff Keppinger?

Note: I don't hate Jeff Keppinger, I just wish people around here would temper their enthusiasm for someone who was discarded by the Royals six months ago.


That's all for now, dum-dums. I've made the decision to create a special fantasy football page so that it's easier to check the archives throughout the course of the season. Plus, I will answer fantasy football questions every Thursday, so get cracking on your questions (Brad@TwinKilling.com)

-Brad
8/27/07

PUT A QUARTER IN YOUR ASS 'CAUSE YOU PLAYED YOURSELF!!!



Brad Spieser is a very good friend of mine, and I don't want to my blasting of him to turn into a regular thing. Unfortunately, he doesn't listen, and some things I just can't let slide. Two weeks ago, I asked MR. TWINKILLING DOT COM himself to please refrain from posting on hip-hop and other topics outside of his wheelhouse. However, Brad ignored my advice and recently published a very detailed post about why Sean Kingston bugs him. (How someone could single Kingston out of FOUR BILLION annoying, innocuous and disposable pop artists/songs is beyond me. How do you differentiate between them? Anyway...) Included in the post were these two utterly ridiculous statements that I have a problem with:

"So which one is it, guy, are you Aaron Neville or NWA? Pick one but not both."

Um, you actually can be both. It's called being real. That's why, for example, 2PAC had songs play back to back like "Keep Ya Head Up" and "Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z. No one is a gangster or killer at all times, but no one is a love sick sap at all times, either.

"the next time I see a prominent member of hip hop culture publicly concerned with a girlfriend will be the first."

Quickly Brad, name the five hip-hop cd's in your car at the present time. What? You don't have any? What about on your Ipod? If you did you would know just what an idiotic statement that is. Just off the top off my head I was able to come up with the following "prominent members of hip hop culture" who have included an ode to their woman on an album:

2PAC- "Me and My Girlfriend"
Jay-Z- "Song Cry", "Soon You'll Understand" and "Lost One"
Eminem- "Crazy In Love"
50 Cent- "21 Questions", "Build You Up"
LL Cool J- "Hey Lover", "Around The Way Girl" and "I Need Love"
Common- "The Light", "Retrospect For Life" and "Come Close"

Those were songs by JUST THE LEGENDS that I could instantly recall. There are uncountable others by artists with less fame and staying power. Judging by Brad's statement, I'm sure he's under the impression that all "hip-hop" is of the ignorant, misogynistic or stunt-tastic variety that you are most likely to hear in the club or see on TV, but that just isn't the case. This ignorant statement makes him come off no different than the crusty, middle aged, nerdy white media that he's rails against. Come on, Brad. You're better than that.

Finally, here is a list of topics that Brad Spieser should and shouldn't comment on:

Brad should comment on:
1) OSU Football
2) wieners and other borderline gay topics
3) weird behavior such as claiming to be in a bar that you obviously aren't in, and oddly sticking to this story even though no less than four people who actually were in said bar never saw you there.

Brad should not comment on:
1) Anything hip-hop related
2) Anything relating to Pete Mackanin

Cam Carey (8/26/07)

Friday, August 24, 2007

I Can't Win

It's 96 minutes past midnight, and I've swallowed nine Coors Lights. Translation: I'm minorly fricked.

Life sucks at the ancient age of 27.

And, uh, the reason I'm blogging at this ungodly hour? How about I answer that question with a multiple choice pop quiz directed at you, the reader? Here goes nothing...

Why am I ready to give a top rope, flying elbow to the face of Reds manager Pete Mackanin?

a. He stole my Chalupa

b. He Frenched my mother

c. He kept Josh Hamilton out of the starting lineup for the third time in the last ten games

If you guessed option C you'd be the big winner of tonight's contest! Congratulations, you win nothing; complain any more and I'll homicide you.

And now, for all the jerks who think Norris Hopper deserves at-bats over Josh Hamilton...consider this: Josh Hamilton has 17 HRs in 245 at-bats this season; Alfonso Soriano--and his $100 million plus contract--hit 46 HRs in 647 at-bats in 2006...

Do the fucking math.

-Brad
8/24/07

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Is Drunken Golf Cart Driving a Laughing Matter? Why Yes



As you may have heard, actor Bill Murray managed to pick up a DUI in Sweden this week while driving a golf cart. This was the topic of conversation on an ESPN radio show yesterday, and listeners were asked to call in with their funniest golf cart stories. Their stories were typical. "I crashed the cart" or "I ran over a fence" were about as crazy as it got. My brother Colly happened to be in the car at the time, and he dryly pointed out before the stories even started coming in that "none of them will beat mine and Brad's golf cart story."

This prompted me to dig up the email that I sent out to a few friends and acquaintances who knew Brad and Colly a few days following the aforementioned golf cart incident. As it turns out, several people who were on the email list thought this story was was funny enough that the email warranted saving and still had it. The following email was sent on June 7, 2005:

(The above photo was taken at the beginning of their round, before anyone was injured.)

"My buddy Brad Spieser set the new standard for dumbass drunken behavior. This will NEVER BE TOPPED!!!

While playing in a charity golf outing named in honor of his H.S. friend who died of Leukemia, This knucklehead (who has his own personal breathalyzer that he brings out for special occasions. This was one of them.) was playing in a foursome with two of his apparently out of control HS friends and my brother Colly (who is also a notorious drunken idiot).

These assholes got so fucking drunk (somewhere in the neighborhood of a .20 in the middle of the day) that Brad decided it would be funny to surprise his friends by driving his cart full speed into their cart. The intentional rear ending of the other cart caused violent kickback from the steering wheel which broke his wrist. What an idiot!!! A normal person would be a bit embarrassed by his behavior and would quietly sneak off to the hospital to have his injury examined. Not Brad. He wasn't finished.

He knew he f'ed-up his wrist but decided against going home or getting his wrist checked out because, as he put it, "fuck it! I'm still going to the bar when we're done." Unfortunately, he never made it. My equally drunk and mentally defective brother Colly took over the driving duties after Brad broke his wrist. He proceeded to flip the golf cart, and in the process ejected Brad. In an attempt to protect the wrist he previously injured, Brad fell awkwardly, and managed to tear the rotator cuff IN HIS OTHER ARM!!!.

Today Brad sits virtually incapacitated, wearing a cast on one arm and a sling
on the other, unable to complete simple tasks such as shaving, brushing his
teeth etc. because he can't use EITHER ARM!!!!

For those of you who don't know, Brad stands about 6'6 and weighs an estimated 185Lbs. This all happened while he was wearing a white underwear T-shirt on which he scrawled "I'm on Steroids" with a sharpie, a fisherman hat, short shorts, orange Bengals socks and ridiculous
sunglasses. My brother was clad in knickers, knee socks, a sweater vest
and scally cap. His intention was to look like he stepped out of one of the
golf scenes from The Legend of Baggar Vance. At least they didn't look like
the type of assclowns that could seriously injure theselves on a golf course.

I think that he has cemented his legacy as THE BIGGEST DUMBASS I KNOW, and that is saying alot. I regularly associate with a considerable amount of dumbasses."


That was my account of the story as it was told to me. I'm sure I botched some of the details, but you get the point. They are idiots. It should also be noted that after Brad had to have a surgery on each arm, he was unable to play on our Thursday night basketball team FOR NINE MONTHS because he was rehabbing his injuries!!!

Cam Carey (8/23/07)

Brad Spieser Tells the Truth

Wanna know what I hate? I hate witnessing a moment of greatness when I'm all by my lonesome. I mean, what good is it to see the Aurora Borealis if I don't have anyone to share it with? Which is why I'm profoundly sad at the moment. You see, I just threw a bottle of pills across the room, and--after bouncing on the floor and completing two full revolutions--that bastard landed upright. But you'll never believe me, because you weren't there to see it.

Translation: Stop telling me ghost stories, dammit.

-Brad
8/23/07

Censorship and Whatnot



Take a look at what I just found in my inbox, courtesy of reader Ryan A.:

"You should take this as a compliment - your website has been banned from
5/3rd (similar to 2 Live Crew in the 90's). Yep, I'm unable to view the
site at work anymore."


Um, sweet!

-Brad
8/23/07

Michael Vick is Headed to Honolulu

Aaron Neville is a homo, which is why he once belted out this line: "I don't know much, but I know I love you."



Brad Spieser dominates the universe, which is why he makes this prediction: "I don't know much, but I know Michael Vick will play in another Pro Bowl."



Jesus, we're wacky at TwinKilling.com!

Getting even wackier...

Michael Vick's return to the land of um, volcanoes 'n' stuff, won't be as a quarterback. That's right, boys and boys, Michael Vick--whenever he resumes his career, and that absolutely will happen--will do so as a runningback. When you think about it, he's always been a runningback who happened to play quarterback. Well kind of, but either way Vick will never be considered an NFL team's starting QB.

There is one position in sports (ONE!) that demands a certain image, and that position is quarterback. You can tolerate knuckleheads at every position in every sport, but not QB--at least not in the NFL.

Now, I realize this isn't quantum physics here, but I'd be willing to bet you $30 that I'm right about this.

Was this post terrible or slightly better than terrible?

-Brad
8/23/07

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Hillbillies Supply Joy

I'm pretty sure the camera phone was invented to give creepy dudes an opportunity to snap photos up the skirts of their second cousins at family reunions. At least that's what I'm told. If that is the case--frankly--I'm disgusted. To me, camera phones should be used to exploit pathetic human beings, like this hillbilly I witnessed pumping gas at UDF the other day.



Now, I wouldn't necessarily label this yoke a "spectacular hillbilly"...but he was wearing a tank top that said "DIRT SHIRT"...and I was bored while waiting for my tank to fill up...so my reasoning was "why not take a picture of this idiot?"

Blogs are stupid. So are you.

-Brad
8/23/07

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Pete Mackanin is an Assface

Here's how I started a blog less than a week ago: "I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but Reds Manager Pete Mackanin is a stupid person."

The reason I wrote such hateful literature is because Josh Hamilton was kept out of the starting lineup so he wouldn't have to face remarkably average lefty Ted Lilly.

Things have gotten worse since then.

Mackanin kept Hamilton out of Tuesday's lineup, presumably because Atlanta southpaw Jo Jo Reyes--a goddamn rookie with an ERA of 8.72--is simply too much for the far-too-green Joshy Hamilton.

Think about what you just read.

Can you imagine if Marvin Lewis--the week of a Bengals-Broncos tilt--announced that Chad Johnson will be taking Sunday off because Champ Bailey is a difficult matchup? Of course not.

Now, it's possible that comparing Jo Jo Reyes to Champ Bailey was a tad ridiculous, but you get the point. And the point is this: Hamilton isn't going to get better if he doesn't face left-handers on a regular basis. And I don't care if cloning experts find a way to morph Sandy Koufax and Johan Santana--and that scientific marvel starts the next ninety games versus the Reds--Josh Hamilton must be in the starting lineup, if only to prevent me from lighting my nephew on fire.

I've written ad nauseam (relatively speaking) about Mackanin's stupidity since he was named manager, and nobody else seems to be jumping on board with me. Well, why exactly is that? Why aren't you as outraged as me? Why isn't this front page news? Why won't this be the topic of conversation on talk radio Wednesday?

I believe only two answers to these questions exist: (1) you stopped following the Reds a month ago, or (2) you are as dumb (if not dumber) than Pete Mackanin.

-Brad
8/21/07

P.S. I don't care if Hopper gets seventeen bunt hits per game, he just just another guy. Frick.

I Vote NO on Young Naked Boys

Ever watch Pay Per View movies? Ha ha, me too. That's really funny. Wow, we are soooo alike. Anyway, you know how--at least on Time Warner--you are occasionally given the option to watch the unedited version of a certain film? Recently, one of my potential options to upgrade to unedited raised my eyebrows. It was the documentary Deliver Us from Evil; ever heard of it? Me neither, so here's a snippet of the plot synopsis from IMDB:

Moving from one parish to another in Northern California during the 1970s, Father Oliver O'Grady quickly won each congregation's trust and respect. Unbeknownst to them, O'Grady was a dangerously active pedophile that Church hierarchy, aware of his predilection, had harbored for over 30 years, allowing him to abuse countless children.


Here's the deal: We all choose the unedited version of a film with hopes of an added F-bomb here, or an extra boob there...so I ask you: How in the hell do you make Deliver Us from Evil more graphic? Perhaps the answer has something to do with extended glimpses of young weiners, I don't know. And if that's the case, well, how would that sweeten the viewing experience for anyone who isn't a serial pedophile?

Questions, man. Questions.

Jesus, I hope my Uncle Victor doesn't read this.

-Brad
8/21/07

(Note: I thought about finding a humorous picture to go with this post but I decided against a Google image search of "young boys," for it could only make my shitty life worse.)

I'm upset with a Jamaican

Have you heard the song "Beautiful Girls," that miserable excuse for noise by some a-hole named Sean Kingston? Since the answer is obviously YES, then why exactly aren't you as outraged as me?

Listen, my problem with this song has very little to do with Kingston ripping off the "Stand by Me" beat, although it warrants at least a smack in the face.

I would also say that my problem isn't his name, although giving yourself the stage name of Kingston is as ridiculous as me selling pop records in Jamaica under the name "Brad Cincinnati."

As much as that stuff irks me, it doesn't hold a candle to the anger that runs through me when I hear the actual lyrics of "Beautiful Girls."

Follow me, peoples...

Here are actual lyrics from Kingston's No. 1 fucking hit:

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over


My take: It's kind of sweet, but kind of psychotic. You were in love, now it's over, and you just don't think you can take it anymore. I get it. You're gay and lame, but I get it.

Let's examine a few more lyrics:

It was back in '99
Watchin' movies all the time
Oh when I went away
For doin' my first crime

My take: WHAT THE HELL? Make up your mind, idiot! Look, I understand that you're a pop star, which gives you the license to create your identity, BUT...you went from telling me that you might kill yourself because a girl simply wanted to stop dating...to telling me about committing the the first of multiple crimes back in '99 (which, according to Wikipedia, would have made Kingston nine years old). So which one is it, guy, are you Aaron Neville or NWA? Pick one but not both. Because the next time I see a prominent member of hip hop culture publicly concerned with a girlfriend will be the first.

-Brad
8/21/07

Monday, August 20, 2007

Me + Dirt = Terrible Life

I'm just gonna come right out and say it...landscaping is less than awesome.

Also, I think Joan Cusack is underrated'r than shit.


(as an acting person, ya dickhead)

Stop.

Breathing.

Please.

-Brad
8/21/07

Sunday, August 19, 2007

ALTER EGO??? SEPERATED AT BIRTH???





















Have Reds' catcher Javier Valentin and Entourage's Jerry Ferrara ever been seen in the same place at the same time? Coincidence? I think not.

Cam Carey (8/20/07)

SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!


A few minutes ago, I was checking out PerezHilton.com (you know, because I'm a huge douche) and I stumbled across the "Quote of the Day" regarding 20 year old tennis star Maria Sharapova, courtesy of Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine:

"She wouldn't make any noise during sex. I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said 'it ruined her concentration'. It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny."

Look, I respect Adam Levine. Maroon 5's debut album Songs About Jane netted the group a Grammy Award, and probably sold 840 gazillion copies. It featured the single "She Will Be Loved", which a highly attractive woman has convinced me to karaoke with her on more than one occasion. Obviously, the man is talented. Starlets throw themselves at him and I don't begrudge him his good fortune, but the fact that he used to smash Sharapova disturbs me. It's probably because Maria Sharapova is a VERY pretty lady and a 6'2 / 160 lb former Wimbledon and US Open champion. Adam Levine, on the other hand, is a little pussy. It just doesn't add up.

Levine has previously been linked to Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson and Natalie Portman. Good for him. That's the way it should be. The Hollywood types can all go home from Les Deux together and bang until they have the same STD's for all I care. But Sharapova? If Sharapova and Levine were to get in the octagon and fight UFC style, I'd make Sharapova a -280 favorite. She would make that blue-eyed soul singing bitch tap out in no time, and that's why I can't see it. She could kick his ass.

Levine probably made that statement because he was afraid word would get out that he used to get roughed up in the sack by Sharapova, a la Hank Moody on Californication.

Cam Carey (8/19/07)

Tell Wily Mo Pena I Said Hola



Did you know that Wily Mo Pena was just traded from the Red Sox to the Nationals for approximately nothing? Seriously, it happened. Since this is obviously sad news to you I thought I'd cheer your universe up. I plan to accomplish this feat by posting Big Wily's telephone number. So give Mr. Pena a call and wish him well, or tell him he was awesome defensively. Anything to lift his spirits, you know? Anyway...

Here it be: 917-673-7881

You're welcome.

-Brad
8/19/07

Friday, August 17, 2007

I Know I Posted This Yesterday, But...

This is seriously the funniest shit ever. Funnier than the first season of "Chapelle Show", "Caddyshack" and "American Movie" combined. Do yourself a favor an watch this.

-Cam

My Mom Would be Proud

When I started this website of awesomeness I decided I had to be a shameless promoter. Really, there was no other way to operate, considering 71 trillion people have their own websites. Being that this was the case, my first action was to compile a mailing list. Most of the names on the list were--at the very least--acquaintances. But some of the names were just random email addresses I had saved for one reason or another, and I rudely added them to the list. This hasn't always worked out so well in the two months since starting this bad boy, and it came to a head just moments ago.

Take a look at what "reader" Matt S. just sent me: "This is my work address and I'd prefer not to get emails about gay athletes, farts, or how shitty the Reds are at work. Thanks."

No problem, guy.

-Brad
8/17/07

Metamucil + Stool Softener = Discrimination



You probably didn't know this, but it would suck to be a 109 year-old female living in Cincinnati, Ohio. No crap, I isn't lying.

If you're like me, you rarely do the right thing, which is how I arrived at this revelation about old broads. You see, I went to read an online Cleveland Plain Dealer article this morning before being bothered with a "give us your name, zip code and gender before you can read our stuff" survey. "Fine," I thought, "I'll fill out this bullshit, but I'm certainly not going to be honest with my answers!" I'm crazy like that. So anyway, I entered my actual zip code, but told them I was a woman born in 1898, before hitting "submit." And shockingly, this happened. I assumed it was some sort of mistake, but I tried it again--except this time with a born-on date of 1900--and wouldn't you know it, those bastards let me read their publication!

Boys and girls, I think we have a lawsuit on our hands.

-Brad
8/17/07

Thursday, August 16, 2007

It's Time to Tell the Truth

It's understood that 113% of athletes are blatantly homophobic, right? Hell, I'm pretty sure John Amechi was homophobic, and he's gayer than my cousin Luke.

The reason I bring this up is because something's been on my mind for a good 3.8 years, and that something is this: If these closed-minded, queer-loathing animals hate the gays, well, then why do they freely thrust their packages several times per match into various male pelvic regions? Since I doesn't have the answer, and I'm not in the mood for some witty gay humor, how's about I just show you a bunch of gayness from gay-haters?

Sounds good to me




This was fun, right?

-Brad
8/17/07

TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET



Has anyone ever had a more bizarre career than R. Kelly? It's been nearly two decades since he burst onto the scene, and he's still as relevant as ever. He has sold over 50 million albums worldwide and won multiple Grammys. He's written songs for both Janet AND Michael Jackson. He did a duet with Celine Dion that went to #1 on the charts. And if you turn on pop radio right now, there is a good chance you will hear a song that R. Kelly either performs, produced or wrote. Recently, he's linked up with T-Pain, T.I., Snoop, Young Jeezy, Usher etc., and there hasn't been a time over the past 17 years that he wasn't cranking out hits.

However, his career has been plagued with personal problems (This is a huge understatement). In the early 90's, Kelly was allegedly married to a then 15 year old Aaliyah. In 2004, a back-up dancer and mother of his three children that would later become his wife, filed a restraining order against him, claiming he physically and verbally assaulted her. On September 17, he finally goes to trial on 14 charges of child pornography. (Among them is Kelly giving a 14 year old a golden shower on video.) Clearly the man is no saint. Yet amazingly, even though it's widely assumed that he's a petterass, it really hasn't had any negative impact on his career. I find this to be strange since no one likes a child molester. I find this especially strange because his songs are in large part for and about the ladies. Apparently, it bothers no one that he is probably singing about a girl that is too young to take her state driving exam .

Musically, the thing I always found compelling about R. Kelly is that he always seemed to be equal parts genius and unintentional comedy. He was just as likely to put out critically acclaimed songs with mass appeal like "I Believe I Can Fly" as he was to put out borderline comical songs like "Feelin' On Yo Booty" or "You Remind Me of Something". Even when he would release songs like the highly emotional "I Wish", Kelly would just start belting out absurd things like "come on and braid my hair!" repeatedly at the end of the song. He would tug at my heartstrings by inserting a chorus of kids to sing a hook, or by describing how he would gladly give up his success for the opportunity to have one more conversation with his dead mother. Then he would turn around and make laugh my ass off by turning "booty" into an eleven syllable word.

I never knew if I should be laughing at R. Kelly or with him until now. He recently came out with TEN MORE CHAPTERS OF THE "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET" SAGA, and IFC.com is releasing a new uncensored chapter each day!!! The first twelve chapters were so ridiculous that they spawned a SOUTH PARK episode and a Weird Al Yankovic parody, but they are nothing compared to the latest incarnation. I now know that R. Kelly has been toying with us for all these years. There is just NO WAY that this is anything but a joke. So kudos to you R. Kelly! You win. Even though the "Ignition" Remix will still cause me turn up the volume and nod my head, I will never hear it the same way again.

Cam Carey (8/16/07)

Dumb Idiots Play Tackle Football in Cincinnati

My name is Brad and I like mocking idiots...and August is a fantastic month for performing this enjoyable act. Case in point: The Cincinnati Enquirer's daily "Across the Middle" feature, which asks (often unheralded) Bengals a couple of simple questions. I guess the idea is to allow the reader a chance to become acquainted with these strangers. Or something. I think we're supposed to see them as regular people--as opposed to football stars--but I mostly see them as goddamn morons (it'll make sense in a second). Who knows, most of y'alls might enjoy "learning" about Jeff Rowe's favorite TV show, which would effectively place me in the minority. (Note: I think the same thing happens with celebrity-based reality television. I hear the reason it's interesting is because we get to see people like Gene Simmons tying his shoes or shopping for lettuce, allowing the viewer to think "that's funny, I just did the same thing yesterday.")

The Enquirer's been running this section for years during training camp and it never disappoints, at least not to me. I can honestly say it's funnier than most speedboat crashes. But just barely.

Here's a sample of the Enquirer's Q & A with various Bengals:

From Skyler Green...

Favorite TV show: "Fresh Prince of Bel Air." Will Smith is funny.

From Nate Livings...

Favorite TV show: "I'd say `Fresh Prince of Bel Air.' I like to see Will (Smith) in his younger days and how much he has grown up."

Favorite movie: "It would be `Training Day.' Denzel (Washington) switched roles, and he's gangster in this one. I like his swagger."

From Michael Myers...

Favorite movie: "'The Negotiator.' It's about Samuel L. Jackson as a cop. There's a scandal."

From some assbag named Jesse Holley...

Favorite TV show: "martin." He's hilarious."

From Leon Hall...

Favorite TV show: "King of Queens." "You can't beat it."

From Matt Toeaina, who I would also call an assbag if it weren't for that sweet return versus the Lions...

Favorite movie: "Gladiator." I mean, I'm the type of person, I have the attitude; it's the attitude you have to apply to the football field."

From assbag Hall-of-Famer Matt Muncy...

Favorite movie: "Forrest Gump"

Why: "Just takes you through a lot of periods of time in history."


Ladies and gentlemen, this is your 2007 Cincinnati Bengals!

Before I sign off I thought I'd let you enjoy the high comedy of a speedboat crash...



You wanna know who is a professional? The P.A. guy at that speedboat race--he didn't flinch at all after possibly witnessing a horrific death.

Much respect, partner.

-Brad
8/16/07

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

My Own Personal Groundhog Day

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but Reds Manager Pete Mackanin is a stupid person.

As I write this (9:37pm ET), the Reds game just started after a ninety minute rain delay. The only reason I even have my television on is so I can watch the continued amazement of Joshua Hamilton. I couldn't wait to see how he'd follow up Tuesday's 3-5 performance? Well, since Reds Manager Pete Mackanin is a fucking idiot I'll have to wait until Thursday, because Hamilton's on the bench eating sunflower seeds and playing grab-ass (or whatever). Apparently Hamilton still needs to be babied, which means that he's just not ready to face a tough lefty like Ted Goddamn Lilly. I swear, shit like this makes me want to blow things up with dynamite.

Dear Pete Mackanin,

Norris Hopper is just a person who happens to be a tad better than the dickheads in Triple A. He will be playing for the Blue Jays (or Devil Rays, or Royals) in 2009. I don't care if he has a 55 game hitting streak--he should never ever ever steal an at bat from a talented human like Josh Hamilton.

I.

HATE.

MY.

LIFE.

-Brad
8/15/07

UPDATE: No shit, Josh Hamilton just hit a ball 900 feet to left center. Pete Mackanin needs to be the recipient of several face punches.

-Brad
8/16/07 (just after midnight)

I'm a Man of the Peoples



Personally, I think it's disgusting to post this nonsense, but my inbox has been filling up with requests like this one from James G., of Cheviot: "dude the site is the bomb but can you show me some pics of animal sex? cool bro thanks lol"

No problem, James!

-Brad
8/15/07

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Frick

I now know a guy named Bruce. We just shared stories for several minutes over the telephone; it was slightly worse than eating food, and significantly better than wrestling a gorilla. BUT...I did not conduct an interview with the man named Bruce, who has the last name of Feldman, and writes for ESPN.com. Nope, we just talked, for our schedules didn't match up. This is mostly because he is one of those peoples I call "busy."

Regardless, I owe you fresh material, and it will even be on the topic of college football, the very sport that Bruce Feldman covers. I know I know, I'm a wacky German.

So here's the deal, I Tivo College Football Live every weekday afternoon, which--presumably--makes me less attractive to women with straight teeth. Anyway, I was watching said television program the other day when I stumbled upon comedic gold.

As I began to watch a taped piece with West Virginia football participants Pat White and Steve Slaton (aka fast people) I noticed something that typifies America's disrespectful youth--something that would fire up your grandpa's grandpa, and most people named Ruth. And probably the guy who works at the muffler shop. Me? I just thanked God (or whoever) for inventing camera phones. Am I making any sense? Of course not, so let me set the scene of the picture you see below: This was the very beginning of a "getting to know you" piece, and Pat White was actually introducing himself as Mr. Slaton was a little too busy for the small-timers at the Worldwide Leader in Sports. Jesus, this makes me happy...





Words words words words words I don't need spell-check words words words America

-Brad
8/15/07

I'm a Sick Human Being

I know the above title made you brace for a hilarious tale of children being thrown off balconies (or whatever), but it was actually meant to be taken literally...

I am effing sick.

I can't catch a goddamn break.

Vomiting (and what not) is slighlty less than awesome. I still intend to interview Bruce Feldman, but first I need to hold down a few unsalted Zesta crackers.

-Brad
8/14/07

Monday, August 13, 2007

Good Things Happen on Tuesdays

Maybe you knew this, maybe you didn't, but I was on the air with Andy Furman Monday on 96.5 FM between 4-7pm. Things went so well (or whatever), that I was welcomed back on Tuesday's show. You should listen. Really, you should. Listen or I'll stab you with sharp knifes. Several sharp knifes. And sharp knifes hurt your stomach. Sharp knifes + stomach = injury or death or blood or pain or funeral. So listen. Radio fun!

Also, idiots...

I'm interviewing ESPN.com's Bruce Feldman--the best college football writer on the majority of planets including Earth--Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday night. Unfortunately for you cheap bastards, his material on ESPN.com is only available to us Insiders, so here's a link to his myspace page, which details his soon-to-be-released book.

The podcast will be posted late Tuesday night. Exclamtion point.

-Brad
8/14/07

Sunday, August 12, 2007

WASTE OF A SUNDAY




Yesterday was a disaster. Brad and I made the trip down to Georgetown, Ky in hopes of meeting Chris Henry, and perhaps snapping a photo or two with our hero. We looked like of couple of Stans wearing our "Free Chris Henry" T-shirts, and we even brought one along to present in person to Mr. Henry. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Sunday would not be the day we would come face to face with greatness.

Ogling teenage girls, laughing at fat hillbillies and getting a solid neck sunburn is usually an above average way to spend a summer Sunday afternoon. It's just that we were hoping for more out of the trip to training camp. Brad and I were aware that there was a possibility that the Bengals would limit Chris Henry's interaction with the fans, but we didn't think that he would be ordered NOT TO EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE ON HIS WAY OFF THE FIELD! Seriously, while the other players were signing autographs, Henry made a bee line to the locker room without so much as acknowledging any of the onlookers shouting his name. It was as though the Bengals' brass threatened to ground him if he said a word to anyone, so he just got out of there as fast as he could. It's also entirely possible that he's just an asshole. Either way, the experience re-enforced for me the reasons that Chris Henry is the figurehead on the ship that is TWIN KILLING DOT COM.

OTHER TRAINING CAMP OBSERVATIONS:

I'm extremely thankful that the Bengals drafted Jeff Rowe and passed on Troy Smith. Had they drafted Smith, I would have spent the afternoon listening to Brad tell stories about how what a tremendous pro he thought he'd become, what a great leader he was, how he used to get kittens out of trees for old ladies, rescue kids from burning buildings etc. I'm pretty sure Brad sleeps in a Troy Smith OSU jersey and believes that they would have become best friends had the Bengals' drafted him.

Football practice is boring to watch. It would be even worse to participate in.


OTHER THINGS:

Did you know there is such a thing called "THE TEXAS REDNECK GAMES"? If anyone has ever wondered why I am a self hating white, it's because there are far too many people like
this.

Baron Davis makes $15 million a year. He's one of the 10 best players in the NBA when healthy. He graduated from LA's Crossroads HS in 1997 with Kate Hudson and Cash Warren (he was dating Jessica Alba for the past two years). He rolls with A-listers and seems like a pretty cool guy who is down with everyone.
Can someone please explain to me how his taste in ladies could be so bad? If I were him, she wouldn't even get a call back from my publicist. (Thanks to the great Bethlehem Shoals of FreeDarko.com)

Everyone has seen the ads for prescription drugs that have horrible side effects like nausea, dizziness, hair loss, diarrhea, erectile dysfunction, insomnia, A.I.D.S. etc. Now there is a drug called Requip that treats Restless Leg Syndrome. It's possible side effects may include THE INCREASED URGE TO GAMBLE AND HAVE SEX!!! I can't make this stuff up, people.
Watch the Requip commercial for yourself.

My old roommate Brad Vitucci moved to L.A. a few years back. He works in the entertainment business, and has been known to send me emails and pictures about things like being in a bar when Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell) is singing karaoke. This is a myspace message he sent me the other day:

"If I had a camera on Monday I would have hit People Magazine Gold. Eva Longoria had her hand on Tony Parker's schlong less than 3 feet from me at a FANCY restaurant. I'll try to get some b-listers on film for you."

Hopefully we will be hearing from our L.A. correspondent more often in the future.

Cam Carey (8/13/07)

DEAR BRAD SPIESER,


Dear Brad Spieser,

Please do everyone a favor and stick with what you know. Namely Ohio State football, faggotry, Ohio State football and good looking former Ohio State QB's. Please leave the hip-hop commentary to those who aren't "dumber than Chainsaw or Dave" when it comes to matters concerning the aforementioned musical genre.

Sincerely,
Cameron J. Carey


In Brad's last post, he made the outlandish claim that "Feel Me Flow" was Naughty By Nature's best song. He is a dope. Naughty By Nature is one of the most underrated musical acts of the last 20 years, but because they achieved such crossover success with many of their singles, it seems like they are somewhat dismissed by many casual fans as a pop act of sorts. Anyone who thinks so is dead wrong. Their self titled debut album is was one of the best albums of the 90's.

Don't get it twisted. "Feel Me Flow" still holds up as one of the best summer joints of all-time. It just isn't one of Naughty By Nature's best songs. Here are two singles (off the top of my head) that are better.

"GHETTO BASTARD" ("EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT" for the censors)

This is hands down their best song. (It might actually be the best song ever recorded.) This is not up for debate. The song is flawless. Anyone who disagrees will catch a smack.



Lyrics:

This is a story about a drifter
Who waited for the worst while the best live 'cross town
Who never planned on having someday
Why me huh?!

Some get a little and some get none
Some catch a bad one and some leave the job half done
I was one who never had and always mad
Never knew my dad motherfuck the fag
Well anyway I did pick up lift and click up
See many stick ups 'cos niggas had the trigger hick-ups
I couldn't get a job, nappy hair was not allowed
My mother couldn't afford us all, she had to throw me out
I walked the strip, with just a clip, who wanna hit
Thank God I'm quick, I had to eat this money as good as spent
A 'do in braids, I wasn't paid enough
I kept 'em long 'cause I couldn't afford a hair-cut
I got laughed at, I got jumped, I got dissed
I got upset, I got a tick and a banana clip
With down the flow, don't let them any dealin' tackhead
A celebate rope, so a lotta good it woulda did
Or done, if not bad luck I would have none
Why did I have to live the life of such a bad one
Why when I was a kid and played I was the sad one
And always wanted to live like this or that one

Chorus

A ghetto bastard, born next to the projects
Livin' in the slums with bums I said now why Treach
Do I have to be like this, mama said I'm priceless
So I am, I'm worthless, starvin', that's just what being nice gets
Sometimes I wish I could afford a pistol then though
To stop the hell, I woulda ended things a while ago
I ain't have jack, but a black hat and knap-sack
War scars, stolen cars and a blackjack
Drop that, and now you want me to rap and give
Say something positive, well positive ain't where I live
I live right around the corner from west hell
Two blocks from south shit, and once in a jail cell
The sun never shine on my side of the street see
And only once or twice a week I would speak
I walked alone, my state of mind was home sweet home
I couldn't keep a girl, they wanted kids and cars with chrome
Some life, if you ain't wearin' gold, your style was old
And you got more juice and dope for every bottle sold
Hell no, I say there's gotta be a better way
But hey, never gamble in a game that you can't play
I'm gonna flaunt it, gonna know when, know when and not now
How will I do it, how will I make it, I won't, that's how
Why me huh

Chorus

My third year to adulthood, still a knucklehead
I'm better off dead, huh, that's what my neighbor said
I don't do jack but fightin' lightin' up the streets at night
Playing hide-and-seek with a machete, sets of Freddie's spikes
Some say I'm all in all, nothing but a dog now
I answer that with a fuck you and a bow-wow
'Cause I done been through more shit within the last week
Than the fly flowin' in doo-doo on a concrete
I've been a dead beat, dead to the world and dead wrong
Since I was born, that's my life, oh you don't know this song
So don't say jack, and please don't say you understand
All that man-to-man talk can walk, damn
If you ain't live it, you couldn't feel, so fill it skillet
All that talk about it won't help it out, now will it
In Illtown, feel like you stuck up, propped, and shot
Don't worry, he got hit by a flurry and this punk ass dropped
But I'm the one who has been labaled as an outcast
They teach in school some of the misfits I will outlast
But that's cool, with the fool smack 'im backwards
That's what you get when you're fuckin' with the ghetto bastard

If you ain't never been to the ghetto
Don't ever come to the ghetto
'Cause you wouldn't understand the ghetto
So stay the fuck out of the ghetto
Why me, Why me


"UPTOWN ANTHEM" (JUICE SOUNDTRACK)

How can you go wrong with the song that DJ GQ cuts up as the credits roll at the end of "Juice" ? It was Tupac's best performance for god's sake!




Lyrics:


Hey, you could smoke a spliff with a cliff
But there's still no mountain hiiiigh enough, or wide enough to touch
The naughty nappy nasty nigga the nasty trashy hoe happy pappy
That's Happi to be Nappi
Me and Vin rock when spots hit flocks
and groups and troops with Timbo boots and jail suits
That's how I'm rollin my hair-do don't
Win I will I got wantin competition ain't dope
Beat ya break ya broke ya smoke ya take ya
Send you to your little group on mute, sooner or later
When wanna flip, tell em full semi half with a dip
And all that other Ringling Brothers shit
Sporty naughty hi bye greater than nature while I
shin slam the flim flim and then jam
You can run but you can't hide, you can't go far
No matter where you go, there you are

[Chorus: x2]

We gonna BREAK, we gonna BASH
We gonna ROLL, we gonna SMASH

[Verse Two: Treach, Vinnie]

Here we go yo
Hit a nigga kill a nigga will come back
See a sucker stretch a sucker guard your naps
Cussin wasn't nothin til a black man rapped
See a forty suck a forty guess who's back

You're chillin with a titty fillin villian
Steppin to the puny puddy punks catchin feelings
I hit so many guts, call me gutter, I'm the bread and butter
punk motherfucker I'll cut up, workin from the gut up
Brand new steady, heavy as a Chevy
Ready for the piddy peddy, I'm Friddie Freddie
Place your bet on a vet, the three man threat
What you see is what you get

[Chorus]

[Verse Three: Treach]

Comin round your corner with my uptown bunch
I bet your bottom dollar that you're bottom buck chumps
Give it up, it's a juice thing I'm steppin for the rep and
wreckin all the rest and, weapon testin on who's steppin
Ain't no bluff for the niggy nuff, for the rugged ruff stuff
nigga if you're tough knuckle up
I'll cut your ass like class, then blast you by the trash
After I laugh then I'll dash
You can't handle the scandal of an uptown vandal
Shootin up your toes makin sandals
Somebody told me that you owe me, but can't nobody hold me
I do my dirt all by my lonely

I never expected to be making such a detailed post about a rap group that peaked well over a decade ago, but there are some things that you just can't let slide. This was one of them. My most sincere apologies (not really) to anyone who I just bored to tears (pretty much everyone).

Cam Carey (8/12/07)

Friday, August 10, 2007

Three Important Questions...

Q: Did I jinx Kenny Irons?

A: Definitely maybe

Q: Did I just lose my job

A: Definitely definitely

Q: Was "Feel me Flow" Naught by Nature's best song?

A: Definitely probably.


See you in church...

-Brad
8/10/07

Thursday, August 9, 2007

The Cincinnati Bengals Play a Neat Sport

I guess for nostalgia purposes, I will have some sort of new material posted after tonight's painfully boring match between the Bengals of Ohio and the Lions of Michigan. Besides simply watching football, there isn't too much to be excited about this preseason. I mean, Carson is (a.) an established star, and (b.) not scaring the bejesus out of us with every dropback. So he's covered. What sucks the most, probably, is the injuries--although just nagging--to Tab Perry, Bennie Brazell and Antonio Chatman. I'd like to see them battle it out for the role of part-time No. 3 WR while Chris Henry is serving time. (Note: I'd be shocked if Tab Perry isn't the guy, you know, assuming he didn't purchase Bo Jackson's hip on ebay.) The way I see it, there's only one reason to be excited this preseason, but I'll get to that in a second. Anyway, here's what I'm looking for in tonight's contest...

1. Kenny Irons (the aforementioned reason to be excited) proving that he was not only worth a second round pick, but worth significant playing time this season. I've always felt that every NFL team should spend a mid-round draft pick (or higher) on a RB every few years; it's always good to have a fresh set of legs standing by. Hell, just look at Jacksonville last season--they drafted Maurice Jones-Drew when they already had a productive Fred Taylor and a rising Greg Jones in the fold. You never know when one RB will breakdown and another will emerge. Rudi/Dillon anyone?

2. I'm looking for Ahmad Brooks to provide a few Odell-like "Holy Shit" moments. I know he's a freak, but he hasn't blown me away. Yet.

3. I want to watch Domata Peko become the best DL on the team. Around May, I told Dave Lapham that I thought Peko was a future Pro Bowler but he wasn't feeling it. He thought he was going to be a nice player, but didn't hold Peko in the same regard as I did. For once, I think I'm smarter than Lap. We'll see.

4. I can't wait to find out that Jeff Rowe is approximately 70 trillion times shittier than Troy Smith, a guy the Bengals passed on 38 times in the draft. I hate myself. I hate Jeff Rowe even more.

5. I am counting the seconds until I find out that Chinedum Ndukwe is veeeeeeeeery average. At best. In fact, I don't want to hear another word about this guy until he shows me something on the field (as opposed to in the paper, which is the only place he's been showing me anything). Look, every year there's a practice hall-of-famer that fades away, and before his first professional game, this guy is my pick to do just that. Think about it: how many Notre Dame games have you watched in the last three years? Twenty? Thirty? And how many times did this guy ever stand out in your mind? That's what I thought. Ndukwe is just another guy. Well, unless he's awesome, in which case we'll act like I never said anything about him.

That's all for now, peoples. Actually, I gots something for you's to check out...

Here's a link to a Bengals.com Message Board thread I started last week after my podcast titled "Weiners-Odell-Griffey." Obviously, the topic of converstaion over there was the talk about Odell's troubles and just how overrated Landon Johnson is. It's decently solid chatter. Enjoy

-Brad
8/9/07

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD



This isn't a joke. O.J. Simpson actually agreed to be a part of this video game, and is the running back on a team called THE ASSASSINS! Click on this link to see what the mascot does when O.J. scores a touchdown. I'd imagine it probably wouldn't be that great to BE O.J. Simpson at this point, but I would love to have balls as big as his.

I dont even have words of my own to add to this. Thanks once again to the good folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Cam Carey

IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!!!

Since there isn't currently anything happening in the world that I find compelling enough to write about, I will continue to be a talentless hack and post links to youtube videos and articles written by someone else. I really need football season to start so I can bore everyone with unfortunate tales of my gambling losses. Until then...

If you have paid even the slightest bit of attention to any of Brad's podcasts or my blog entries, you would have noticed the way we deal with race. Keep in mind, I try to avoid blanket statements at all cost, but it's really very simple. Blacks are awesome. Whites are lame.

Earlier tonight, my old roommate Brad Vitucci sent me a youtube video entitled "White People Dancing" and asked me to post it. After watching the video, I realized it looks just like every high school dance or wedding full of whites that I've ever attended. Since I wasn't sure how I should go about posting it, I immediately searched for a video under the heading "Black People Dancing." I decided I was going to post the first video that popped up. I'm pretty sure everyone knows how these two videos compare. Have a look for yourself:

WHITES




BLACKS




James Brown, Michael Jackson, Hammer, Usher, Chris Brown etc. The list goes on and on. Look, it's not exactly breaking news that whites can't dance. Sure, we can claim Justin Timberlake, but who is the best white dancer after that? John Travolta? Ren McCormack from FOOTLOOSE? Blacks are just better at everything. They run faster, jump higher, dance better and have bigger schlongs. Since those are the only things that I actually care about, it obviously sucks to be a white.

Cam Carey would play for free (8/9/07)

Monday, August 6, 2007

AT LEAST HIS SHOES STAYED ON

I must have watched the clip of X Games skater Jake Brown nearly dying at least 50 times in the past week, and I doubt it will ever get old. Nothing has ever been funnier than watching the slow motion clips of that poor jackass hitting the floor so hard that it literally knocks him out of his shoes. (Except maybe this) As Tony Hawk suggested during the ESPN broadcast, it may have been the heaviest slam of all time.

I was trying to find a more fierce accident, but I'm not sure one exists. However, while searching, I did stumble this cuh-lassic clip that never fails to elicit a laugh. This clown was traveling 50 MPH and the distance from the ramp to the building was 60 feet. Somehow, I doubt the NASA team that devised the great Evel Knievel's Snake River Canyon jump was sought out for advice during the planning of this stunt. In my opinion, when you factor in the extraordinary amount of stupidity that went into this attempt, it ranks right up there with Jake Brown and the rest of the greats.




Cam (8/7/07)

IT'S FANTASTIC!!!!!




The above picture is the EXACTLY why I love the NBA more than any other sports league. Casey Holdahl from Oregon Live's Blazers' Blog has posted pictures of the whip Blazers' forward Darius Miles has been pushing this summer. The expression on Head Coach Nate McMillan's face in the picture is priceless. He's probably thinking, "How goddamn big ARE these rims? I'm 6'5 and the car comes up past my nipples. AND IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING ROOF! Besides, who has girls in bikinis, smoking pistols and Benjamin Franklin smoking a spliff painted on the hood of their car? Hopefully they trade this idiot and his $8 million dollar a year contract!"

The reason this is so funny is because EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has watched Darius Miles play even ONE NBA GAME had no doubt that this is what his ride would look like. Honestly, that is what makes the NBA so fascinating to me. The players don't wear pads, helmets or even hats for that matter. Since you can see their faces (except for Rip Hamilton), hair, tattoos and their on court demeanor, you devolop a pretty good idea of what a guy may be like off the court. With football, you would never get the impression just from watching a few games that Arkansas Razorbacks RB and Heisman hopeful Darren McFadden would roll around Fayetteville in this.

In the NFL, it's not all that uncommon for a guy like Chiefs' All-Pro DE Jared Allen to get suspended for four games after picking up his third DUI in four years. But to the fans, it's still somewhat surprising. Since football players' faces are covered, and there is also fifty-plus men on a roster, you just don't get that strong of a feel for what most guys are like away from the game if you don't religiously follow their team. In the NBA, when you hear about a guy like Chris "Birdman" Andersen getting banned from the league for testing positive for illegal drugs, it isn't even the least bit shocking. Especially since he is 6"10 and missed 74 dunks in the 2004 dunk contest while sporting a fresh perm. I think everyone could safely assume that he had to have a drug problem. And that is why the NBA is awesome.

Cam Carey 8/6/07

Don't Know Why I Waited This Long

I first experienced Heavy Metal Parking Lot late at night in 2003 on some channel called Trio, and I've been telling peoples's about it ever since. It's a documentary where a cameraman visits the parking lot of a Judas Priest/Dokken show in 1986 and asks questions like "What do you think about punk rock?" and "Why does Judas Priest rule?" and these drunken, acne faced teenagers give the funniest goddamn answers of all time. Of course, they thought they were being cool at the time, which is why it's so entertaining. Similar to American Movie , I had to check out Heavy Metal Parking Lot on IMDB to make sure it wasn't a spoof. Sure enough, it was completely legitimate. I'd recommend buying it on your way home, you know, just to spice things up with your lover. Anyway, I posted a 46 second clip below and I'll bet you watch it a few thousand times before Wednesday. Note: I was going to comment on the kid's outfit, his cracking voice and/or his feelings for Madonna, but really, the video speaks for itself. Enjoy...

-Brad
8/6/07