I'm upset with a Jamaican

Have you heard the song "Beautiful Girls," that miserable excuse for noise by some a-hole named Sean Kingston? Since the answer is obviously YES, then why exactly aren't you as outraged as me?

Listen, my problem with this song has very little to do with Kingston ripping off the "Stand by Me" beat, although it warrants at least a smack in the face.

I would also say that my problem isn't his name, although giving yourself the stage name of Kingston is as ridiculous as me selling pop records in Jamaica under the name "Brad Cincinnati."

As much as that stuff irks me, it doesn't hold a candle to the anger that runs through me when I hear the actual lyrics of "Beautiful Girls."

Follow me, peoples...

Here are actual lyrics from Kingston's No. 1 fucking hit:

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over

My take: It's kind of sweet, but kind of psychotic. You were in love, now it's over, and you just don't think you can take it anymore. I get it. You're gay and lame, but I get it.

Let's examine a few more lyrics:

It was back in '99
Watchin' movies all the time
Oh when I went away
For doin' my first crime

My take: WHAT THE HELL? Make up your mind, idiot! Look, I understand that you're a pop star, which gives you the license to create your identity, BUT...you went from telling me that you might kill yourself because a girl simply wanted to stop dating...to telling me about committing the the first of multiple crimes back in '99 (which, according to Wikipedia, would have made Kingston nine years old). So which one is it, guy, are you Aaron Neville or NWA? Pick one but not both. Because the next time I see a prominent member of hip hop culture publicly concerned with a girlfriend will be the first.

-Brad
8/21/07