Gambling: Season Two, Episode 10 (NCAAF Only)

Four crazy lines, four home dogs. The Vickers System is getting a little wacky this week and going with Four $300 5 Star Millennial Locks of the Millennium.

That's right. Horny?

Stanford (+7) vs. The Best Team In College Football (aka Ducks of Oregon)

Tulsa (+1) vs. Houston Fighting Klingler Brothers

Kansas State (+2.5) vs. Rock Chalk Reesing

Iowa State (+7.5) vs. Okie State

Last week: Off ($ Not so great)
Overall: Poor ($ Even worse)

NFL picks coming Sunday, and I'm guessing Josh Freeman will be prominently involved.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/6/09

Tales Of Drugs And Domestic Violence!

1. Girl tells her horrific story of boyfriend swinging baseball bat at her head.

2. Boy is chemically altered at the time of hearing this story.

3. Boy laughs uncontrollably upon hearing this story.

4. Boy tells story on podcast.

5. Boy is going to hell.

Please listen to our latest podcast, "Drugs Make You Laugh At Domestic Disputes."

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/5/09

Ruben Patterson Doesn't Tip (And I Gots Proof)

I am a bartender in downtown Cincinnati. I shouldn't have to explain why this makes me cool. But I will, briefly. Being a bartender in downtown Cincinnati makes me cool because it allows me the opportunity to occasionally ask Edinson Volquez how his elbow is doing. See what I mean? I'm a regular James Dean. Anyway...

A few Sundays ago Ruben Patterson (weighing a good 260) and his crew strolled into my bar, ordered Goose and Patron like the plane was going down, ran up a $209 bill...and tipped us Zero Dollars and Zero Cents.

Don't believe me? Okay, of course you believe me. Either way, see for yourself:

(Note: I didn't take the picture of Patterson's receipt, which explains why his signature isn't in the photo. (1.) If you really need me to, I can produce the copy with his signature. (2.) His middle name is Nathaniel, which is represented on the bill by the letter "N," just another way prove the legitimacy of this post. (3.) Why am I going out of my way to prove the legitimacy of something [i.e., being stiffed by a scumbag millionaire] everybody already believes?)

Funny thing is, this isn't half as bad as some of the horror stories to come out of my time as both a bartender and valet; this is just the only one I can proove. I'd love to tell the Shaun Alexander story, or the Dave Chappelle story, but -- without the evidence -- it wouldn't be worth it.

Can I get a Hooray for Ruben Patterson! Can I get a Hooray for pleading guilty to attempted rape!

Jackass.

(For everyone who came hear because Mo linked to this story, thanks. But I'd prefer you check out the main page [ TwinKilling.com ] and listen to the occasionally offensive podcasts.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11//5/09

Delightful Fantasy Football Rant

Reason No. 204 why fantasy football is a wonderful thing: Mean-spirited, grammatically disastrous complaints/threats (this time from my buddy Frank):

"I need help- lets be honest this league needs help. Maybe just maybe its time for me to walk away from this league.Nobody talks, nobody trades, and nobody likes the commish except maybe eric and tom. I have one of the best qbs in the league and i cant give him away, i also have the burner but some people would rather have beanie wells.Whats the point you ask I WANT TO TRADE!!. I offer trades and get no response- does anybody remember the phrase spin the wheelmake a deal before al ruined it.Lets get back to the way it used to be-fun. So if anyone out there except al wants to trade im all ears, please feel free to contact me at anytime- once again not you al. Have a great day except you al"

Okay, a few things...

1. The league referenced in Frank's rant (The Cool Dude Fantasy Football League) has been in place for thirteen years, with many of the original members still competing.

2. The commish is my buddy Al, Frank's cousin and close friend. (Note: I'm co-commissioner.)

3. When Frank refers to "one of the best qbs in the league," he's speaking of Aaron Rodgers.

4. When Frank refers to "the burner," he's speaking of Michael Turner.

5. "Spin the wheel, make a deal" is a phrase used when trying to convince a prospective trading partner to agree to a deal.

6. Again, Al is Frank's cousin and close friend. Recently Al traded Drew Brees for a package Frank felt wasn't as attractive as what he offered; that more or less fueled this rant.

Good times!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/4/09

Cliff Lee, Ted Ginn, Dumb Announcers, Etc.

(No picture today. Blame the Nazis at the Monfort Heights Library, an otherwise lovely place...)

Things are happening in the world of sports (aka the sports world) and my opinion needs to be heard. It do. Let me first apologize for being a little tardy with a few of these. Let me second admit that my apology in the previous sentence was half-hearted. Anyway, read...

1. World Series Game 1: Cliff Lee catches the ball as nonchalantly as possible on the mound (and actually, almost drops it) and Lee is universally stroked for being so cool under pressure. This made me sick. Although Lee was cool under pressure, it didn't change the fact that it was an incredibly stupid play. More importantly, what if he'd dropped it? The Around The Horn-types and Skip Bayless would have been all over Lee for the next thousand years. But he caught it. And he's an unassuming white guy. So we love him for it. Strange. Predictable.

**********

2. Entering Sunday Ted Ginn had only returned eight kickoffs and two punts on the season. I've complained about this ad nauseam (most recently in the comments section of this late-September post) and now -- after Ginn's record-setting two-touchdown performance -- I'm finally able to say I told you so. Thing is, it's not a revelation that Ginn is an electric return man; everyone already knew this. He was drafted ninth overall for two reasons: Blazing speed and otherworldly return ability. He was a project as a WR, but the Dolphins felt he was worth the gamble.

And then --for God knows what reason -- Ginn was only used as a part-time returner. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

By the way, Ginn is still stuck on two punt returns this year. The brilliant minds in Miami think lead-footed Davone Bess is the answer there. Who knows? Maybe Miami's offense is so explosive that they don't have to worry about big plays in the return game. Oh wait...

**********

3. Actual exchange from a wedding I attended a few weeks back...

Friend X: I think we're praying.

Friend Y: No shit. Bow your head.

(Note: Both parties are Catholic.)

**********

4. I'm positive there isn't another George Grande on the planet, but that doesn't mean announcing isn't bad all over.

I was watching the Suns-Warriors contest over the weekend, and a five-minute stretch produced three of the dumbest things I've ever heard, and it wasn't the least bit surprising.

First from Suns play-by-play guy Tom Leander, speaking of a hot performance last season from (I think) Warriors guard Kalenna Azubuike: "He just literally shot the Suns out of the game almost."

Literally? Almost?

Please, analyze that sentence again.

Jesus. I'm losing my mind here. Is there anyone left in the world who cares about the English language? I mean, the play-by-play guy is supposed to be a master with words, and in this case the moron just slapped together one of the dumbest sentences you'll ever read. Jeff Brantley misuses "literally" all the time, and I kill him for it. But he's just a dopey ex-jock. With this Leander fellow, this is a million times worse.

As someone who couldn't make a big breakthrough in the broadcast journalism field, I can tell you it's more than a little frustrating to hear stuff like this.

~~~

And now we move along to Phoenix's color man, ex-sharpshooter Eddie Johnson, with two quotes that I've heard thousands of times before (in various forms, from various idiots)...

Speaking of Suns' PG Steve Nash: "Everyone wants to anoint Ray Allen as the best shooter in the NBA, but they never mention Nash. Steve Nash is by far the best shooter in the NBA."

Okay. Can you prove it? No, of course not. Even if Nash is the best shooter in the NBA (which, again, can't be proven), he's not "by far" the best shooter. Nobody is. Nobody has ever been by far the best shooter. Blatantly biased color commentators do this sort of thing all the time, and they're rarely called out on it. Until now...

**********

One other doozy from Johnson-----this time filling our heads with crap about Warriors guard Stephen Curry (a person Johnson had brief contact with for one year when he and Stephen's father, Dell, played together in Charlotte): "When Dell and I played together we'd stay after practice and have shooting competitions...and Stephen would be in the gym. I knew very early what kind of shooter he would become."

Without even doing the math my Bullshit Meter was beeping intensely.

Then I checked basketball-reference.com (an Internet website) and discovered that Eddie Johnson and Dell Curry played together in the 93-94 season...when Stephen Curry was five-goddamn-years-old (note: Curry actually turned six in March of 94, so...).

But anyway, Stephen Curry was five. FIVE! For one, he probably wasn't at post-practice shootarounds too often -- after all, he was five, and five-year-olds play with Legos and dinosaur coloring books. Secondly, the greatest scout in the world could study the greatest five-year-old shooter in the world, and the shooter's parents could be Reggie Miller and Jackie Styles (in the event she's not a lesbian), and the scout's opinion wouldn't mean a damn thing.

I hate when announcers think I'm the dumbest person in the world. I really do. But it happens constantly (cough, sneeze, Mark May), and I wish more people called out these dirty liars and made examples of them.

5. Want to know why the Brian Vickers System is struggling so badly? Read this.

6. Nice job this Sunday by the Cincinnati Enquirer. In case I'm missing something, there wasn't a single mention of the Bengals over fourteen (or maybe fifteen) pages. Bye week, schmye week. They're 5-2, and helping us forget the last twenty years-----you mean to tell me they can't dig up something for us to read during the bye week? Lazy. Lazy. Lazy.

Keep the change, you filthy animals.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/2/09

Cedric Benson's Workload; Tony Pike's Injury; NBA Preview

(No picture today. I'm back at the library and these idiots won't allow such behavior on their crappy Compaq computators. Oh well...)

Three quick thoughts before posting my NBA predictions:

1. Cedric Benson carried the ball 37 times on Sunday. THIRTY FREAKING SEVEN! And thirteen of them came over the final 17:05, as the Bengals were clinging to a 38-3 lead. Related note: Marvin Lewis is a jackass.

Speaking of Marvin Lewis being a jackass, did I mention he's a dumb jackass?

Benson is on pace for 375 carries this season. That's an extraordinarily high number, but we've seen it before from backs who have posted monster seasons. So, it's possible he won't wear down before the end of the season, but it's also possible he might hit a wall around the 300-carry mark. After all, this is the first time Benson's ever been a feature back in his short NFL career. Regardless, why risk him in a blowout? What's the point?

Benson has been shockingly valuable this season (and for dirt cheap) and I can't fathom why Marvin Lewis allowed him to absorb hit after hit after hit in the 4th quarter.

Stupid idiot.

Plus, Bernard Scott is just wasting away on the sideline. Maybe he's not as good as I think he is, and maybe the playbook is something of a mystery to him, and maybe he's allergic to picking up blitzing linebackers. But, again, it was a blowout, and I can't imagine a better learning opportunity for a youngster than an actual game against actual opponents. Besides, take a look around the NFL, and pretty quickly you'll find many successful teams employing two- and three-back systems. This happens for two reasons: (a.) To keep everyone fresh down the stretch and (b.) to significantly reduce injury risk to your best back.

Carrying the ball 37 times in a single NFL game isn't the biggest deal in the history of big deals. But receiving over thirty-five percent of those carries while holding either a 35- or 42-point lead is simply asinine.

Nobody's questioning Marvin Lewis for routinely making bone-headed decisions, and it's only because he's the head ball coach of a 5-2 division leader. But that doesn't mean I'm not right. And for those who think I'm too negative, and for those who think I'm going out of my way to make an issue where there isn't one, answer me this:

What would your reaction have been had Cedric Benson rolled his ankle on his 37th carry of the game, while his team was leading by 35 points?

That's what I thought.

2. Tony Pike might be UC's best player (worst case scenario he's number two, behind Mardy Gilayard), which makes the following statement a little odd: The best thing to happen to UC this season has been the injury to Tony Pike.

And this has nothing to do with getting Zach Collaros ready for next season and beyond.

Here me out: With a Heisman candidate (Pike) on the shelf, the Bearcats haven't missed a beat. Which proves they aren't just a one- or two-man team. In the end, Pike's injury gives UC a better chance of making the BCS Championship game than if he'd been healthy these last few weeks and shattered every single-game passing record in the process. Strange but true.

3. Tales from the bartending gig...Ruben Patterson, who only played ten seasons in the NBA and only banked $37 million, tipped me Zero Dollars and Zero Cents on a $209 bill Sunday night. Can I get a Hooray for registered sex offenders! Can I get a Hooray for pleading guilty to attempted rape!

(I took a picture of Patterson's signed receipt, and as long as it's not illegal I'll post it tomorrow. Stay tuned.)

**********

Okay, with the NBA season tipping off tonight, I present to you...nothing, really. I'm running out of time, and I'm positive it wouldn't interest you. However, here's something that will: I just called my bookie and placed nearly $2,200 worth of NBA Futures bets, and I owe it to you to prove my degeneracy. Anyway, here's what I gots...

***Win Totals***

$200 Mavs UNDER 48.5 wins (+110) - Old + Old + Old x Old = Every significant Maverick not named Josh Howard.
$100 Pacers UNDER 34.5 wins (-125) - Yet another chance to root against Tyler Hansbrough

$350 Wizards OVER 41.5 wins (-120) - Additions of Foye and Miller should push the Bullets to 50 wins
$350 Jazz 49.5 OVER wins (-125) - Darkhorse title contender.
$350 Bulls OVER 41.5 wins (-125) - The only team who could jump up and challenge Orl/Bos/Cle in East.
$150 Spurs 54.5 OVER wins (-130) - Jefferson pick-up keeps Ginoboli fresh for playoffs.
$100 Rockets OVER 36.5 wins (-135) - Get ready to hear them described as "scrappy."
$100 Warriors OVER 34.5 wins (+105) - Ellis, Curry and Randolph = three of my five favorite NBA players (Nash, Durant).
$100 Heat 40.5 OVER wins (-115) - They cruise to 50 if Beasley brings it every night.
$100 Knicks 31.5 OVER wins (-125) - D'Antoni's too good to lose 50 games.
$100 Thunder 34.5 OVER wins (-125) - Hope they're not a year away. Depth scares me.

~~~~~~~~~~

***NBA Finals Matchups***

$25 Magic/Spurs (+2000)
$12.50 Magic/Jazz (+4000)
$20 Magic/Nuggets (+2500)
$25 Celtics/Jazz (+2000)
$50 Celtics/Spurs (+1000)

~~~~~~~~~~

***MVP***

$10 Kevin Durant (+3000)

~~~~~~~~~~

***Rookie of the Year***

$25 Tyreke Evans (+650)

~~~~~~~~~~

As for my plain old predictions, here goes...

West: Spurs over Jazz
East: Cavs over Celtics
Finals: Spurs over Cavs

end of words.

the end.

stop.

time to go.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/27/09

Here's What's Wrong With Terrelle Pryor

Remember the scene in Almost Famous when the editor at Rolling Stone asks the kid to send his unfinished work through a prehistoric fax machine (it transmits eighteen pages per minute!), and he ends up sending dozens of scribbled-on Post-It Notes? Well, that's basically what I'm doing here. I wanted to put together a coherent piece about Terrelle Pryor's struggles, but napping and work got in the way. I feel awful for not figuring out a way to properly finish this, and I'll undoubtedly lose sleep over it, but I have no other choice -- Ohio State fires their game up with Minnesota in a little over an hour and these words need to be published before kickoff.

Anyway, here's my unfortunate tip of the cap to Willia Miller, Penny Lane, Russell Hammond, etc. (Vickers at bottom of page):


Anyone who suggests that Terrelle Pryor just isn't the right fit for Jim Tressel's offense is way off base. Of course, Pryor isn't a good fit in Tressel's system, but your suggestion is that Pryor would thrive elsewhere

Pryor wouldn't be the right fit anywhere, at least not in the role of savior. I've heard a few times recently how Pryor would've been a better fit in Rich Rodriguez's system at Michigan (where Pryor nearly committed). Let me stop you right there.

NO. Not a chance, dude.

Rich Rodriguez's system requires a quarterback to make several reads in the split second following the snap. Well, I don't know if you've been paying attention, but Pryor's recognition of pretty much -- no wait, absolutely everything is nonexistent.

I don't know how it's possible, but the man has no instincts.

Pryor is often criticized for trying too hard to be a pocket quarterback, but I think that's only a fraction of the problem. The bigger issue is awareness - Pryor has no clue when to take off. None.

For a "running quarterback," he has no idea when it's time to exit the pocket and make a play with his athletic ability. Most "running quarterbacks" are criticized for taking off too often, before the pocket collapses. Pryor does just the opposite; he holds the ball too long. I understand why pure passers hold the ball too long -- they aren't going to make a play with their legs, and throwing the ball away can be a difficult concept to grasp -- but Pryor can't pass a lick (he aims every ball he throws), and nobody knows that more than him. So, why doesn't he swallow his pride and stop trying to prove his doubters wrong? Why doesn't he just take off and run at the first sign of trouble?

Wait, I thought we covered this: The man has no instincts for the position.

Seemingly every time Pryor rips off a 20-yard-run on what started as a pass play it's because he broke outside the pocket and around the crashing defensive ends. These plays are few and far between, and become more unlikely the faster the opponent gets. Against better teams, Pryor might get outside the contain of the defensive ends, but he rolls out so wide -- and the DBs and LBs close so fast -- that it rarely develops into a big play.





So,


For a guy who can't pass a lick, and has always been the fastest guy on the field, I find it impossible to believe his running instincts are so lousy. But they are. And it's not just Pryor's inability to recognize when to leave the pocket,

the problem extends to the open field as well.



only takes off to the outside, doesn't run people over, can't make em miss. NO RUNNING INSTINCTS. just fast. thats it

poor man's Matt Jones? Jesus. this is not what i signed up for.

i hated when antonio henton left. he should be the starter right now. he could run and throw. he was quick and fast. great instincts in the open field.


I keep hearing how Terrelle Pryor simply isn't the right fit for Jim Tressel's offense. And, okay, that might be true. But there's a much bigger problem here, and it's one that I'm not sure anybody has mentioned.

Terrelle Pryor lacks the necessary instincts to play quarterback.

I've watched every play of his young career and I can tell you he never has a clue out there. I'm not calling the man dumb, either. And while his skill set is raw, there are tools to work with.

I'm willing to give him a

For one, he's not that great of a runner. Sure, he's fast, but his first couple of steps aren't all that quick. Which means that even if he had top-flight recognition -- which he clearly doesn't -- he wouldn't be so great wiggling out of pressure in the pocket.

I'd rather have my scrambling quarterbacks possess quickness over speed.

No running instincts. No idea when it's time to leave the pocket. Most "running quarterbacks" are criticized for taking off too often, and before the pocket collapses. Pryor does just the opposite; he holds the ball too long. For a guy who can't pass a lick, and has always been the fastest guy on the field, I find it impossible to believe his running instincts are so lousy. But they are.


Anyone who suggests that Pryor just isn't the right fit isn't watching the games.

There is a much bigger issue here


Vickers (all $100 plays - again, not enough time):

Vandy (+13.5)
Clemson (+4)
Indiana (+5)
SMU (+16)
Ole Miss (-6.5)
Bowling Green (+9.5)
Virginia (+5.5)
Baylor (+9.5)

NFL tomorrow

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/24/09