Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Is Todd Boeckman Still a Crappy QB?

Site update: I posted a new podcast--it's about Craig's depression, and it makes me smile.

The strangest running subplot of this football season has involved me. It's true. For some reason I've spent an inordinate amount of time writing about the Bengals, while only giving the No. 1 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes minimal attention. I think this is because so many of my loyal readers are diehard Bengals fans, and I wanted to keep them happy. Plus, last year at this time I was writing a Bengals Blog for another outlet, so my focus had to be on the men donning striped helmets. But now, I have no restrictions--I can use words like balls, shit, piss, etc., and I wouldn't have to answer to anybody wearing a blue blazer/khaki pants combo. (Except for the pay, being your own boss rules ass!) Anyway, I apologize (to whoever cares) about the neglect I've shown Ohio State football. Things are about to change. Because of what you just read, plus the Bengals hitting new lows in the Marvin Lewis era, my main focus (when the topic is football) from this point forward will be the Ohio State football team. Cue Michelle Branch...Are you happy now?

Now--if you're relatively new to this site--I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm a frontrunning bandwagon jumper, and that, although I might root for the Buckeyes, I'm not a spastic nutjob who does irrational things like watching recruiting videos (i.e., the people who care a little too much). Let me assure you, that is not the case; I'm as crazy or crazier than the majority of those idiots. Hopefully, the following words will prove my legitimacy as a psycho.

Now that I have that apology out of the way, how about another?

Todd Boeckman, you my friend have finally proved me wrong. I've taken countless shots at you--beginning with my preseason prediction and up until the Saturday of the Penn State game--and now...I'm a (semi) believer.

Let's take a look at a few of the mean-spirited words I've written about the 23-year-old fifth-year junior:

From 9/1/07: "bla bla bla...when Todd Boeckman is struggling through an 8-21 performance at Penn Sate." (Note: This was taken from my preseason predictions entry for anyone interested in seeing what I was wrong about. For instance, I predicted Brian Hartline would have a better season than Brian Robiskie.)

From 9/4/07: "I didn't appreciate Todd Boeckman's wobbly turds. He might throw the ugliest ball of all time. He reminds me of one of those Wisconsin QBs who were always just effective enough. I think Boeckman is OK, but I would start Henton. You hear me? I would start Henton today." (Note: This was after the Youngstown State snoozer. At this point I still thought I was going to write a lot about Ohio State this season. This was also the first time I publicly stated my desire to see Antonio Henton start over Boeckman.)

From 9/22/07: "Todd Boeckman is a suck. Antonio Henton is a good. You've been warned." (Note: This was posted thirty minues before the Northwestern game. I'm pretty sure I just wanted Boeckman to stink up the joint, followed by Henton taking over. This would have allowed me to say my favorite four words in succession: I TOLD YOU SO!)

From 10/14/07: "I hate to be the purveyor of bad news, but...Todd Boeckman is still the quarterback of the Ohio State Buckeyes. (Note: I posted this the day after the blowout victory over Kent State. I think I just wanted to pee on the parade of happy Buckeyes fans. I can be a bad person.)

From 10/27/07: "Todd Boeckman is a crappy football player. Thankfully, Ohio State's head coach is also aware of this." (Note: This was posted an hour before the Penn State game, and although I'd been drinking, those were my true feelings towards Boeckman. It turns out that Tressel didn't think Todd Boeckman was crappy, which is why he's the head coach and I'm just a dickhead with a Dell computer)

So there you have it, despite limited Buckeye coverage, I managed to blast Boeckman on at least five different occasions.

Then the Penn State game happened.

And Boeckman played--by far--the best game of his young career (and somehow he threw a good amount of spirals, as opposed to the aforementioned wobbly turds). Believe me, Boeckman's performance made me happier than that fat kid sitting on Bill Cosby's lap, but, but...where exactly did this come from? Up until the Penn Sate game he'd shown to be a careless triggerman on countless occasions (especially versus Michigan State), and in much less hostile environments than a drunken whiteout at Beaver Stadium.

Maybe (read: hopefully) he's one of those guys who can lift his game for the most difficult of challenges. Who knows? But what I do know is that Boeckman relieved a lot of my anxiety Saturday night. I still believe he's a question mark going forward, but he's no longer a big huge gigantic neon-colored question mark, as he was five days ago.

The last time I felt this way about a junior quarterback was 2002, and his name was Craig Albert Alfonso Krenzel, and he contributed to the greatest day of my life. Here's to hoping Boeckman can channel No. 16 in 2007...

Now if you don't mind, I need to find a $20-hooker who will accept my last $19--that's all I have left. Hey, it happens to the best of us. Right Antonio?

(Note: The goal before bedtime is posting another podcast, more OSU thoughts and my NBA predictions. And I'd like to go door-to-door with trick-or-treaters so I can find out what type of person is still handing out Three Musketeers for Halloween. Wish me luck on my mission.)

-Brad Spieser (

Curt Schilling to Attend KKK Rally (or Maybe Not)

Curt Schilling just said that he has thirteen teams he'd be willing to play for next season, and the Reds didn't make the cut. To me, that means Curt Schilling hates Dusty Baker, which probably makes him a racist.

-Brad Spieser

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A Licky Boom-Boom Down

Most people chuckle when they even think about Snow's 1993 smash hit "Informer." Me? I just think about how impressive that dude is. I'm not kidding. Sure, the man born Darrin O'Brien is completely ridiculous--as evidenced by the title of his second album, "Murder Love," or the fact that he actually has a greatest hits album--but that doesn't mean he's untalented. Just think for one many people in the history of the world have ever been able to speak (sing? rap?) as quickly as my man Snow was able to? Other than the Micro Machines Guy and Young MC (examples later), I can't think of any. Watch Snow's brilliance one more time and I bet you change your mind:

See, I told you...the annoying bastard is talented.

Now take a look at his competition. Up first is the Micro Machines Guy, who was played by some fast-talking dickhead named John Moschitta, Jr. (Note: You may recall this guy playing Mr. Testaverde in an episode of Saved by the Bell)

Question: Do you think the Micro Machines Guy had groupies?

Answer: Obviously.

If you were born before 1983, video No. 3 needs no introduction. If you were born after 1983, go play in traffic.

This post made me happy. How about you?

(Thursday plan: Wake up early, eat Adderall, write about Ohio State football, UC basketball, the NBA, gambling and probably not the Bengals. Keep checking back.)

Vote on the poll and listen to the podcasts, jerks.

-Brad Spieser

Jail Would Suck

I don't know shit about jail, but Ellis Redding once said "prison time is slow time," which is why--if I were in prison--I think I'd want food stuck in my teeth at all times. It would give me something to do, you know?

(NBA predictions to be posted before tonight's games. I think.)

-Brad Spieser

Monday, October 29, 2007

I Dominate Halloween

and just to prove that we actually took ten-speeds into the bar...

Stop looking at my package, perverts.

Listen to the most recent podcast. Also, vote on the poll.

Was this post better or worse than pictures of hot animal sex?

-Brad Spieser

Sunday, October 28, 2007

New Podcast and Bob Marley Thoughts

Craig and I discuss fun topics like abortion! Go listen. Or else I'm coming for you with a gang of young men wielding knifes. And knifes are scary. They can cut your head off and whatnot. Anyway...

While you're listening to my award winning (or whatever) podcast, I need to share my feelings on a certain topic to my readers:

If you've ever claimed to enjoy listening to Bob Marley...then you are a fucking liar, it's as simple as that. With the possible exception of people with the last name of Marley, there isn't a chance that anybody actually enjoys listening to that garbage. I would rather subject myself to crying babies and smoke detectors for three fucking hours than listen to ten seconds of "I Shot the Sheriff," and I know you're nodding your head right now as you read my words.

That's all.

-Brad Spieser

Steelers 24 Points, Bengals 13 Points

I take notes when I watch Bengals games. This might seem like a fairly gay thing to do--and it is--but I do it for you (which kind of makes me similar to Bryan Adams!). And with every note I take, I significantly increase the potential of a semi-decent postgame column. It's simple math, really.

With that in mind, I'm not anticipating anything resembling semi-decent for the rest of this post.

Here's why: I only wrote down five words during Sunday's loss to the Steelers. Five words. Five. That says a lot. Typically, I cover two sheets of paper, front and back; probably a couple hundred words or so. Considerably more than seven. Perhaps more telling than the number of words is what was actually written. The first note simply said "Chad's drops." This is because Chad Johnson dropped two more balls today, and I thought I might want to make a comment about said drops. The other simply said "Kids building forts." This obviously has nothing to do with the sport of American football, but it speaks volumes about the state of the Bengals, and my interest in the present day squad. I mean, sure, I'll still watch, but you can forget about me being angry about things like Marvin Lewis' clock management, Chad Johnson's drops, or whatever.

I guess I'm just burnt out. Which is why I started wondering about important things Sunday afternoon, like...why do all kids enjoy building forts? You've probably never thought about it, but it's absolutely true. I need answers, dammit. Any child psychologists out there?

See, I told you this post would suck.

(Note: I'll post a new podcast Monday, and officially shift my focus to Ohio State football--Todd Boeckman might even receive an apology from this guy. As for now, I'm going to spend the next few hours eating tuna and staring at the wall, which will be just as stimulating than Sunday's Bengals-Steelers contest.)

(Note No. 2: My Halloween pictures will be posted soon. This should make you horny, especially when you consider that I wore nothing but spandex.)

-Brad Spieser

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Ohio State-Penn State Prediction...Just Because

Todd Boeckman is a crappy football player. Thankfully, Ohio State's head coach is also aware of this. Tonight's match at Penn State will redefine Tresselball. Just watch. And get used to a lot of this:

1st down: run, 2 yards
2nd down: run, 2 yards
3rd down: pass, incomplete
4th down: punt

Ohio State wins, but ugly. My prediction: Buckeyes 16, Nittany Lions 6.

-Brad Spieser

Friday, October 26, 2007

Locks, Fag

I'm drunk, and I'm dressed like Lance Armstrong for a Halloween party (pictures to be posted later), but since I Iove you THIS MUCH I'll leave you my locks of the millennium...

NCAA: Clemson (-3) at valid reason

NFL: Browns (-3) at Rams...valid reason, but I ain't gonna explain it

-Brad /Spieser

Friday Fashion Advice (To Be Taken Seriously)

Don't wear maroon. Ever. You'll look like a fucking idiot.

Just trust me.

-Brad Spieser

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Before You Can Say Anbesol

UPDATE: New podcast is posted. Go listen.

Funny podcast to be posted soon. I don't want to spoil it but it's about Craig hearing his sister, um, make love to unsavory human beings.

In the meantime, watch a music video I thought was better than porno when I was fourteen.

-Brad Spieser

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

New Podcast...Finally

Go listen to the podcast titled "to hell with angus--fast food traditionalists" if you want to enjoy five minutes of solid entertainment. And don't forget to give me feedback.

Also, since I've seen a spike in readership lately (Monday was a record day!) I would suggest the newcomers to check out the Blog Archive page to get a better feel of what this site is all about. I've written tons of shit (literally and figuratively) since July, so give it a look if you're bored at work, on the verge of suicide, or whatever.

More podcasts to be posted Thursday afternoon.

-Brad Spieser

Podcasting Made Easy

Sorry about the lack of posting over the last twenty hours. Believe it or not I've actually been semi-busy. I just finished a podcasting session with Craig and I'm currently in the process of editing such noise. Until I post a new podcast you have two options:

1. Listen to some old podcasts (suggested).

2. Look at a picture of Craig, Dave Mustane (Craig's hero) and a few other dickheads. (Craig is the out-of-focus assface in the back.)

-Brad Spieser

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Tony Kornheiser is a Legitimate Journalist...

and yet, he often acts like this:

It would be impossible for me to love another white man more than I love Tony Kornheiser.

-Brad Spieser

Tuesdays Rule When Volleyball Butts are Involved

I was just having a conversation with Craig, about pornography (of course), how it's never really been my thing and how I needed different ways to be stimulated.

He offered wisdom: "If you want to have a good time go to and search 'volleyball asses' and check out the Central Connecticut State volleyball team."

I took his advice, and wouldn't you know it, it was a splendid time. See for yourself:

I never thought I'd say this, but Craig is a goddamn genius.

(Now go listen to the podcasts. Craig and I are recording more Wednesday.)

-Brad Spieser

Monday, October 22, 2007

Is Chad Johnson a Cancer?

I disliked Paul Daugherty before I ever met him. I even took a shot at him when I hosted a sports-talk show in Cincinnati earlier this year (sadly, the audio has been destroyed). There was an air of smugness that came through his writing that drove me nuts. I thought it was a front, and anyone who knows me well enough knows that I despise phonies (especially phony radio hosts) more than just about anything else. They're right up there with pedophiles and Little League coaches. Oh wait, same thing.

When I met Paul Daugherty in March of 2007 I was shocked to find out...he's the exact same person you've been reading in the Cincinnati Enquirer for years. He's just a painfully honest fellow who--I promise--never has an agenda. Perhaps more shockingly, we became friends. Well, we kind of became friends. I mean, he's approaching the age of fifty and I'm still approaching girls in the bar who (hopefully) make poor decisions. But anyway...I worked four-to-five days a week with Daugherty for over five months, so we had a lot of time to shoot the shit. One of our frequent topics was Chad Johnson. This was because Daugherty authored Johnson's biography.

In all of our chats I never once heard Daugherty say a bad thing about employee No. 85. In fact, just as he's done several times in the Enquirer, he defended Johnson's antics and deemed them harmless. Which is why his column that ran on Sunday was so telling.

A couple of things before I semi-dissect the column:

1. Often times with columnists a fact is disguised as an opinion. This is done to protect the source. Remember, he's been doing this a long time; he's well respected with a ton of contacts. I'm guessing there are a lot of things that Daugherty held out of this column (you know, the off the record stuff) that forced him to bite his tongue. Either way, he had enough information to write another thought-provoking piece (or whatever).

2. Remember, Daugherty really likes Chad, and--again--he doesn't have an agenda. Even if he and Chad had a behind-the-scenes fight Daugherty would never redirect his venom and allow the world to play voyeur. So the fact he banged out a column about the possibility of Chad being a cancer speaks volumes.

3. This probably doesn't belong in this space, but it seems important to mention that I'm not a jock-sniffer (relative term) in any way. I don't think a single thing is cool about liking someone just because of their stature. This is especially true of the local celebrities I know. When I say or write kind words about Daugherty, Dave Lapham, Scott Sloan, Mo Egger, etc., it's because they are my actual friends, and not because I want them to like me. Remember, I wanted to hate Daugherty, just as I hate so many other local celebrities.

Now that we have those bases covered, my thoughts on the column...

a. Ray Oliver's scorpion/turtle parable scares the hell out of me. Reading between the lines isn't necessary to understand what he meant: Chad Johnson is a cancer, but the team needs him in order to win games. It can also be translated to Marvin Lewis needs Chad on the field if he wants to save his job.

b. A few paragraphs in Daugherty asks a simple but eye-opening question: "Is he worth it?"

Huh? What? Has it really reached the point to where that question needed to be asked? When did this become such a monumental problem? I just thought Chad was a baby who had to be dealt with a little differently than the rest of the squad. I didn't realize that Chad's antics had gone too far, and that his selfishness is out of control, because that's the way the column reads. Either way, I'm assuming there were enough grumblings in the locker room that led Daugherty to posing that question in print.

c. Daugherty also wrote that "Groups of veteran players have met informally to discuss what to do about Johnson. Some have suggested he sit a game." Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't remember hearing or reading about this. Regardless, this is a really big deal. Chad Johnson is the second best player on the team, an absolute necessity if the team wants to win. Plus he significantly upped the profile of the Bengals since his rookie season of 2001--he's an invaluable guy to the organization. Or so I thought.

So...when the question of "Why would players meet to discuss what to do with him?" is posed, I can only think of one answer:

Chad Johnson must be a cancer.

(Two important things: 1.) I didn't talk to Daugherty about this post, which means this is just my opinion, and 2.) Go listen to the podcasts, dammit.)

-Brad Spieser

Kenny Watson is Still Captain Average

Just think, if Chris Perry had been healthy by the middle of August Kenny Watson would be playing special teams for the Arizona Cardinals (or whatever). Rudi Johnson + Chris Perry + Ken Irons = cut-cut-snip-snip for Watson. Which proves a few things:

1. Running backs are a dime-a-dozen. But we already knew that.

2. With the help of a better RB, the Bengals would have beaten the Jets more convincingly.

Listen, I was pleased with the performance of Watson, I really was. But the whole time I was watching Watson um, shred (or perhaps knife through) the Jets' defense, I couldn't stop thinking how Ken Irons would have blown the game open in that situation. Let's not forget that Eric Mangini--with his six and seven man fronts--was basically saying, "We gave you one deep pass from Carson Palmer to Chad Johnson and we won't make the same mistake twice." Hence the big lanes for Kenny Watson to dart through.

And again, he did the best he could, but when you rush for a 130 yards--and your longest run is only 12 yards--you had better be Jerome Goddamn Bettis, and not a guy who's allegedly a shifty speed back. This sounds like an odd thing to complain about, I know, but 12 yards? Really? The only reason the Jets stayed in the game was because Watson never truly made them pay. He never once made it to the second level and shook a safety out of his underpants--something Ken Irons almost certainly would have done a few times. Speed kills, people.

And even after the giant dump I just took on Watson's limited ability, I'd still rather see him in there over Rudi Johnson (when he gets back), or at least see him sharing carries in a RB-by-committee situation. Watson might not be the fastest brother in the world, but he can at least make someone miss. Plus, he's a threat out of the backfield. And I wouldn't list either among Rudi's strong suits. I could be wrong, but I think Rudi's about to shift to the goal-line-back faze of his career. RB's usually don't have a long shelf-life. There are a lot more Rodney Hamptons than there are Curtis Martins.

(Side note: I think Curtis Martin's 2004 season was the most underrated season in the history of the league. Just had to get it out there.)

Crap, I neglected to mention Chris Perry in the RB conversation.

If Perry comes back, and if he's at or near full strength--which feels like a longshot--there's no question that he's the best option for the Bengals this season. I could go into details but then my head would explode, and that might hurt. Plus, I just painted the walls. Anyway...

Look, the point of this post was to temper the enthusiasm of all the chaps who just bought Kenny Watson jerseys. I really didn't think I'd crap on Rudi and long for a healthy Chris Perry in the process, but things happen. Anyway, was just one game, against a lousy team that was begging the Bengals to run, and while he was effective, he's hardly the answer.

Unfortunately, I believe the rest of you will find this out when the Bengals face a real team.

(Note: My take on Paul Daugherty's column on Chad Johnson will be posted soon. Now go listen to the podcasts, dammit.)

-Brad Spieser

Podcast--Embarrassing Fantasy Football Voice Mail

First, you might be wondering, "Who are the two handsome gentlemen in the picture?" To that I would answer, "I am the white, and the black is a rapper named Sweet Jesus."

I met Sweet Jesus--who's from Wisconsin, a rapping hotbed--when I went to Vegas in May and I think I told him I was a music producer or something. I got his number and promised him greatness. I don't know why I did such things, but the most recent podcast, the one titled "embarrassing fantasy football voice mail," is my attempt to deliver the goods. You see, that fresh ass bumper you hear under the podcast intro is the music of Sweet Jesus. Which makes this his coming out party. This is exciting.

As for the podcast, it's only ninety seconds long so I won't spoil it for you. But if you've ever played fantasy football, and if you've ever been forced to pick up a lousy player in a pinch, you'll find it at least mildly amusing.

-Brad Spieser

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Bengals 38 Points, Jets 31 Points

Remember the days of In Marvin We Trust? Those days are gone and almost forgotten. It was less than five minutes in to Sunday's crapfest when Bengals fans loudly voiced their displeasure towards the home team, although it felt like it was aimed directly at Marvin Lewis.

To me, this was the biggest story to emerge from the triumph over the lowly Jets. It was bigger than the victory itself and bigger than everything that went into it. Bigger than Kenny Watson's career day...bigger than the return of Willie Anderson...bigger than the D's performance in the second half...bigger than the semi-reemergence Glenn Holt...bigger than all of it.

And if you don't believe me, watch what happens if Pittsburgh grabs a quick 10-0 1st quarter lead next week. I'm telling you, this city is ready to discard Marvin Lewis. He's leaning and the fans won't hesitate to tip him over.

The leash is tighter than ever.

(Note: I'm off work Monday, which means that I'll wake up early (9:30ish), eat 30 mg of Aderall and write and write until I see visions of the Virgin Mary. The topic will be football. I'll give my thoughts on Paul Daugherty's telling Cincinnati Enquirer column about Chad Johnson, I'll post a hilarious fantasy football-related voice mail and I'll try to write about college football. And I'll probably talk about weiners, just to get my weekly quota out of the way. Stay tuned, jerks.)

-Brad Spieser

Friday, October 19, 2007

Locks of the Millennium

Some misguided losers are in to big boobs and long legs. Me? I'm a sucker for Texas Tech football. This old habit is impossible to break. Which is why--despite Clemson and Michigan State looking like winners--I have no choice but to advise you to wager all of your money on the OVER of Texas Tech/Missouri, which is currently a measly 75. It's a wonder I haven't found my way to Gamblers Anonymous.

As for my NFL lock of the millennium, I like the Bears (+5.5) at Philly.

(Note: I just realized that I have no idea why I continue this gimmick. My record is 4-8, I'm not putting money on these games myself and I really don't care whether I win or lose. It's basically just become something that annoys me when I'm trying to get drunk on Fridays. I don't know what this means long-term. Either way, my picks are guaranteed winners!)

-Brad Spieser

Highly Anticipated Blog Entry

Serious question: Why isn't mongeese the plural of mongoose?

English is a stupid language.

(Note: I spent the last ten minutes searching for hot pictures of mongoose sex--you know because it's Friday and all--and I came up empty. Sorry to disappoint.)

Locks of the Millennium to be posted before bedtime.

-Brad Spieser

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Football, Football and More Football

Okay, not really, but you have to admit, that was a pretty catchy heading!

Listen, Craig is a homo, and his gayness is getting in the way of the original plans--podcasting. As for writing about football, as promised, what can I say...I'm hungry. And tired. Basically I'd rather eat spaghetti and lay down as opposed to writing about James Brooks, Mike Martz, the '98 Vikings or anything else. Deal with it.

I'm (kind of) sorry.

I'll probably post animal sex pictures later. Zebras anyone?

-Brad Spieser

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Four Things

1. Have you ever met a single person who has ever had one sip of Ovaltine? Me neither.

2. Sarah Silverman is an ugly person.

3. Little Richard isn't funny.

4. Ditto for midgets.

The end.

I'll probably write the word "football" a few times in this space Thursday. And I'll probably post more pictures of hot animal sex. And...I'll also be recording podcasts with Craig. This should make you horny.

-Brad Spieser

Religion is Kinda Awesome

I judge books by their covers. It's true. Listen, I'm not saying that this method of operation is benefiting the advancement of society or anything, I'm just saying that's how I live my life. Good or bad, right or wrong, that's me.
But something happened today that's giving me a reason to change my ways.

As I was valeting a light blue minivan chock-full of rosaries and Jesus magnets, I started pondering the probability of receiving a tip. I was convinced that this Bible thumper was going to stiff me, which would lead to me saying horrible things under my breath about Catholicism.

But then, out of nowhere, this fortyish Midwestern lady with high-wasted Lee jeans dropped a twenty spot on me. Twenty Freaking Dollars! And she goes to church every week!

I guess what I'm trying to say is...


-Brad Spieser

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Jake "The Snake" Roberts Interview

I don't know when this interview took place, but I'm shocked that it hasn't swept the nation. I mean, why has the "Leave Britney Alone" video been viewed 80 trillion times compared to this masterpiece at only 3,226? I will never understand what the common man considers entertainment. I suppose that explains why Friends was on the air for a decade. Anyway...

I once again was hard-up for material (read: lazy), so I did a YouTube search of my favorite childhood wrestler, Ted Dibiase. I thought that I might come across a clip of the "Million Dollar Man" agitating someone, which in turn would elicit at least a chuckle from you peoples's. After poking around for a moment and coming up empty, I found this gem, an interview with Jake "The Snake" Roberts, who looks more threatening than your everyday serial rapist.

I'm not sure if I would classify this video as (a.) sad, (b.) hilarious, (c.) really hilarious or (d.) all of the above, but you'd be a real asshole not to watch it. Enjoy.

-Brad Spieser

Pole Vaulting Fun!

In desperate times, I go to YouTube and search things like "pole vault accident." Not surprisingly, I'm always satisfied with the results. Enjoy. And turn the volume up...

-Brad Spieser

Monday, October 15, 2007

Great Quarterbacks and Whatnot

When I need to know why my computer is screwed up, I call my friend Party Dan. He's my computer expert. When I need to know the name of the actor who played DJ's boyfriend Steve on Full House, I dial up Cam. He's my useless pop culture expert. When I need to know if it's okay to eat Miracle Whip that sat out overnight, I ask my mother. She (of course) is my expert in mom things. Everyone has there individual experts for all categories, because our brains just don't have enough room to know everything about everything. Sadly, nobody is a real life Dwight Schrute.

The reason I bring this up? For most of my friends and relatives, I'm their sports expert. You want to know about the 1988 Cotton Bowl? I'm your guy. Looking for someone to settle a Nick Van Exel vs. Sam Cassell debate? You're talking to the right person.

One of the questions I've been asked a ton, which isn't necessarily in need of expert advice like the previous two questions, is "Who is the best quarterback of all time?"

I always struggle to answer that question. This is probably because I'm still not sure who I think is the best ever QB. Admittedly, this somewhat embarrassing. My answer is probably John Elway or Joe Montana or Jeff Blake, but I can never pull the trigger when asked. But that doesn't mean I'm speechless, either

Whenever that topic arises, I always take it down a different (but related) path. Instead of giving my opinion of the greatest quarterback of all time, I respond with my opinion of which quarterback I think had the single greatest season. With this, there's no hesitancy: Steve Young, in 1994, played the position better than any quarterback I've ever seen.

Consider a few things regarding Young's MVP campaign of '94:

Young threw for 3,969 yards, completing 70.3 percent of his passes. His TD/INT ratio was an astounding 35/10, and he rushed for 293 yards (6 ypc) and 7 TDs. The 49ers averaged 31.6 ppg and finished with a 13-3 record, both league bests.

And that was just the regular season.

All Young did in the postseason was throw 9 TDs (with ZERO picks), run for two more TDs and see his team average 43.7 ppg in three victories, the last one a Super Bowl championship. With his record-setting 6-TD effort against the Chargers, Young was named Super Bowl MVP.

Game 1 through game 19, the quarterback position has never been played at a higher level.

Until maybe now.

It's early, I mean it's really early, but I've never seen a six game stretch better than Tom Brady's current run. 21 TDs and only 2 interceptions, and playing on a potential 16-0 squad...are you effing kidding me? Those are video game numbers. If Brady keeps this up I'll have no choice but to bump Young from my single season rankings.

And it might just make a once-difficult question a little easier to answer:

Who is the greatest quarterback of all time?

-Brad Spieser

Slightly Funnier than Watching According to Jim

What's more amazing...

That ski jumping hasn't been outlawed, or that the assface who made the video played Rob Thomas music underneath it?

-Brad Spieser

Oxymoron: Talented White Guy

Up until thirty seconds ago, I've never believed in another human being more than I believed in Mel Kiper Jr. Now, I'm not so sure.

So what's changed?

You see that picture above, the one of a white guy who looks like he's in an alt-rock band? Well his name is Jacob Hester, he plays football for LSU, and Mel Kiper currently has him ranked the No. 1 senior RB in college football.

Say whaaaaaaa?

A highly regarded white RB? Really? Brian Leonard rushed for over 100 yards eight days ago, and now this? What decade is it? Am I dreaming? Is this the Apocalypse? Should Craig James be worried that he won't be remembered as the last white dude to rush for over 1,000 yards in a season?

Questions man, questions.

-Brad Spieser

Adrian Peterson is Really Good at Tackle Football

While the dickhead pictured above appears to be nothing more than a run-of-the-mill child molester, he's actually a very important fellow. He's Brad Childress, head coach of the Minnesota Vikings, and he's thisclose to getting his house set on fire. The funny thing about this potential arson in the Minneapolis area is that I'm apparently the only guy who's aware of it.

Here's why:

While every football analyst on the planet was understandably drooling over Adrian Peterson's monster day (361 total yards) in Chicago, it wasn't mentioned once that Brad Childress is the world's dumbest dumb ass for having Adrian Peterson return kickoffs. Punt returners last, kick returners don't. No play in football is it easier for the ball-carrier to get injured than kickoff returns, and Brad Childress thinks it's a good idea to risk the future of the organization in order to achieve a little better field position.

It doesn't matter that Adrian Peterson is just a rookie, or that he's splitting carries with Chester Taylor (another stupid decision)...he's already a superstar, the best RB the Vikings have ever had, so why mess with your own job stability by sending him out for the most dangerous play in the game? Can you imagine if Ladainian Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, Frank Gore, etc., were asked to return kicks for their respective teams? It would be laughable, you know? And why, because they're established stars? Well unless I'm missing something, Peterson is as good as the guys I just mentioned. Really.

And I realize that Peterson is an extraordinary kick returner, but that's not where his true value lies. Think about it in baseball terms. Would A-Rod be the best leadoff hitter in the game? Obviously. Would Randy Johnson have been the most dominant closer in the game? I believe so. So why weren't they put in those roles? The answer is simple: They were more valuable to their teams batting third in the lineup and as a starting pitcher.

You've been warned, Childress.

-Brad Spieser

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Chiefs 27 Points, Bengals 20 Points

There's no such thing as a silver lining when you lose to a team quarterbacked by one of the Huard brothers.

I know three things:

1. The Bengals are a crappy football team.

2. The season is over.

3. Breaking Benjamin is challenging Hinder to win the title of "Worst Band in the History of Bands."

4. Whether it's all his fault or not, it's time for Marvin Lewis to be given the pink slip.

5. Justin Smith should stop celebrating after he records a sack. Not because he stinks, but because he looks stupid when he tries to act cool. I blame his whiteness.

6. Unless their target is the nursing home community, Geico should scrap the commercials featuring Jed Clampett and Fred Flintstone.

7. Carson Palmer will throw 20 interceptions this season.

8. I will shoot Rich Gannon in the face (or whatever) if he says "ath-a-letic" one more goddamn time. This is probably Rihanna's fault.

9. I really want to eat a bowl of butter pecan ice cream.

10. Rudi Johnson will not finish 2008 as the Bengals starting RB.

37. Chad Johnson has at least three more in-game pouting episodes in him this season.

209. This is the worst I've felt about the Bengals since Marvin Lewis was hired. True or untrue, I attributed last year's December meltdown to Palmer's knee injury. Which is why, as much as I was crushed after the losses to the Broncos and Steelers, I was quite optimistic for this year. Now, I'm just bummed because it's pretty clear that they don't have what it takes to right the ship, and a massive offseason overhaul is necessary. It's not even Halloween, and I'm already thinking about the draft. I forgot how terrible this feeling is.

I blame Levi Jones.

More football words later. I want to hurt someone. You might want to hide, Gannon.

-Brad Spieser

Easy There, Buckeyes Fans

I hate to be the purveyor of bad news, but...

Todd Boeckman is still the quarterback of the Ohio State Buckeyes.

-Brad Spieser

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Today is a New Day--Gambling is Awesome

If you're scoring at home, my record ATS is a paltry 3-7, including a losing streak of four games, so you'd be out of your fucking skull if you took my gambling advice. BUT...the only reason I've been giving you losers every week is because I wasn't looking hard enough to find the best pick, which is how I arrived at the "Five-Star Locks of the Millennium." That was the past. Today starts the new gambling era:

Six-Star Locks of the Millennium!

They is:

NCAA: Louisville + 9.5 at Cincinnati

NFL: Texans + 6.5 at Jacksonville

-Brad Spieser

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I'm an Honest Human

For the first eleven (or possibly sixteen) years of my life, every time I heard "Rock the Casbah," I thought the line was rock, asphalt...rock, asphalt.

I know I should feel stupid about this, but I don't feel stupid. This is probably because I'm stupid.

-Brad Spieser

Brian Kelly = Greatest Coach Ever

Here's something I haven't heard one person say since Brian Kelly was named head football coach of the University of Cincinnati: "Yeah, but he's doing it with Mark Dantonio's players."

This is funny, considering that's precisely what we've heard six million times about Tubby Smith (substitute Pitino for Dantonio) since he won a national championship in 1998, his first year at Kentucky. And I know what you're thinking. You think I'm going to bring up the issue of race again, but that's not the case, although it absolutely played a role in Tubby's situation. But anyway, why is one guy given complete credit, while the other was merely babysitting someone else's kids? Answer: I have no idea.

The public isn't very consistent with who it chooses to defend and why.

(Important note: You likely already knew this, but I'm an Ohio State football diehard, and the same is true about my passion for UC basketball. The reason this is important is because I rarely care about UC football--although this season has captured my attention--as for UK hoops...I loudly root against them during every single game.)

For the record, I happen to think Brian Kelly is an outstanding coach, and I staunchly supported Tubby Smith for being the main reason--aside from the actual players--that Kentucky won a title in 1998. Sure, Smith wasn't the ultimate decision maker of which players to recruit, although he played a significant role in that area as an assistant coach under Pitino, but he was the guy who had to push the right buttons during the season. He was the guy who had to call the timeouts and make the correct substitutions in crunch time. He was the guy who dealt with the media pressure (the Pitino thing always hung over his head) and took all the heat for losses. Hell, he was the guy who didn't panic when his team capped off the monster comeback versus Duke in the tournament (Elite Eight, down 17 with 12 minutes to go, I believe). And I didn't even mention the talent on his roster. Even if that particular UK team was loaded, which they weren't (Scott Padgett was easily their best player), Tubby still would have deserved full credit for cutting down the net. Rick Pitino deserves some credit, no question, but not anywhere near as much as his successor. I'm right about this.

Which brings me back to Brian Kelly.

UC is 6-0 for the first time in something like 400 years (give or take), and everybody (and I mean everybody) is convinced that Dantonio wouldn't have gotten the team to the same start. The same type of person who argued against Tubby has erased Dantonio from their memory, and I'm positive they don't smell the irony.

One of the reasons Kelly, and not Dantonio, is given the credit for UC's success is obvious: Brian Kelly is cool and Mark Dantonio is a dullard. Neither of those characteristics determine a coach's greatness, I grant you, but Kelly's style is imperative when building a limp program like UC. And by style, I don't necessarily mean his penchant for opening up the playbook versus Dantonio's philosophy of running on first and second down. What I mean is that Kelly gets it. He understands that winning ball games 17-14 won't get people to the stadium. He understands that winning over the fans is just as important as coaching up the team and convincing them they belong in the Top 25. In less than a year, that's what Kelly has done. In fact, I'd argue that his ability to create buzz and change the perception of the UC program is nearly as impressive as the W/L record. Maybe I'm overstating things, but you get the point.

I've strayed from original topic (i.e., Mark Dantonio's lack of credit) by praising Kelly. That wasn't the plan, but in a roundabout way I think I answered the question. But there's a flip side to that coin: if UC were 4-2, with hopes of playing in a crappy bowl game, the fan reaction would be something like "Wait 'til Kelly gets his own players in here, then we'll see what he's made of." Hell, I'd be saying that and I really don't care about UC football. Sports fans are a confused bunch.

To this point, I've made it seem as if--in every situation--the new head coach deserves the brunt of the praise/criticism. While I believe that to be true when the team is winning, it is not always the case when they're losing. Case in point: Mick Cronin. No one of sound mind would ever blame him for UC basketball's recent woes. But if they were winning, he'd be a combination of Norman Dale, Vince Lombardi and God.

The thing about this topic is that it's tailor-made for sports talk radio; the devil's advocate potential is off the charts. You can go in so many different directions with your argument--it's like arguing someone's case for the Hall of Fame. The same reason you want Terrell Davis to stay out of the Hall is similar to the reason you want Thurman Munson in. In both cases, the situations are incomparable, and not just because they played different sports, or that one guy injured his knee during his career while the other stopped breathing during his.

Head coaches, like potential Hall of Famers, need to be judged on a case by case basis. In the case of Tubby Smith in 1998, and Brian Kelly in 2007, they deserve the credit for their team's success.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to spend the next seven hours breaking down the following situations: Bobby Petrino/Steve Kragthorpe, Butch Davis/Larry Coker, Tyrone Willingham/Charlie Weis, 2003 Rich Brooks/2006 Rich Brooks, Dan Monson/Mark Few and the last twenty years of the Tulsa basketball coaching position. As for the seven hours after that, that's reserved for analysis of Bill Walsh/George Seifert, Jimmy Johnson/Barry Switzer and Dick Vermeil/Mike Martz.

Remember, despite my posts about fighting giraffes and/or my homoerotic podcasts, I'm a sports geek above all else. I could argue this crap all day long.

End of words.

More words coming soon. Keep checking back. And listen to the podcasts, dammit! I'll stop annoying you with that suggestion when you start providing feedback.

-Brad Spieser

Someone Doesn't Like Justin Smith

A longtime friend of mine just sent me a detailed email about Justin Smith's good fortune. Read:

Is Justin Smith the luckiest person on Earth? I think so. Name another big, fast, dumb, white guy who has been given so much for being average (And George W doesn't count, I have seen him run and he's not that fast). In his sophomore and junior years at Missouri, Smith led the team in sacks with 8 and 11. Of those 11 sacks his junior year, 4 came against the vaunted offensive line of Baylor University in a 25 point Missouri win. Smith's Missouri team records were 4-7 and 3-8. He was selected as an All-American his junior year which is understandable given that he was bigger, stronger and faster than the linemen in the Big 12 that year. He deserved recognition as he is an NFL level talent, but he was by no means worthy of a top 4 pick by the Bengals. This brings me to the first point of Smith's luck, his impeccable timing. He came out after his junior year of college, and that year there were 3 defensive ends taken in the first round of the NFL draft- Justin Smith(4th), Andre Carter(7th) and Jamal Reynolds(10th). Justin Smith is clearly better than Reynolds and Carter, which is perhaps why he was seen as a top draft pick. Defensive end is a premium position in the NFL, and when one prospect stands out, he will be a high draft pick. A defensive end has been selected in the top 5 picks in 9 of the last 13 drafts. Suppose Justin stayed at Missouri for his senior year, which defensive ends were in the draft the following year? Julius Peppers(1st), Dwight Freeney(11th), Bryan Thomas(22nd), and Charles Grant(25th), all except Thomas are better than Smith. Had Smith stayed for his senior year, being compared to Peppers and Freeney probably would have dropped him out of the first round and cost him millions of dollars. After a lengthy holdout, Smith finally signed for his big time first pick money and proceeded along his average way.

The second stroke of Justin Smith timing luck came with his DUI arrest. Justin Smith was arrested on a Monday night in October, 2004, and had a Blood Alcohol Content of .152. That is roughly the same as Odell Thurman, and higher than any other Bengal arrested for DUI. Smith's arrest came barely a year before Chris Henry started the string of arrests that labeled the Bengals as criminals. Is Justin Smith ever included in that crowd? No, his arrest missed the cutoff by about 7-8months. So now Smith is considered a veteran leader in a locker room full of knuckleheads. Hell, Smith has the logo for Anheuser Busch tattooed on his arm. Was Smith forced to miss games or punished? No, because by another stroke of timing luck, Paul Tagliabue did not punish DUIs as commissioner. Roger Goodell did not take over and start levying heavy punishment until 2006, right in the middle of the Bengals arrest streak.

Smith's next hit of timing luck occurred this past summer in free agency. Smith's overpaying rookie contract happened to expire in the same season that a new collective bargaining agreement happened between the NFL players and owners. This agreement raised the salary cap for teams about 20% over the previous year. So teams had large amounts of extra money to spend, and Smith was in the first free agent class to get a crack at that extra money. On top of that, the Bengals needed a defensive end because draft pick Frostee Rucker missed the entire season, and up and coming star Robert Geathers has yet to develop into an every down player. The free agent defensive ends this past year were Dwight Freeney, Charles Grant, and Pat Kerney. Grant and Freeney were franchised tagged, so the only real free agent option was Pat Kerney who is basically a Justin Smith clone. So in short, the Bengals did not have an alternative option. Dwight Freeney signed a long term deal for 6 years and $30million guaranteed plus incentives that could bring it to $72million, making him the highest paid defensive player in the NFL. This record signing is due to the excess money in the salary cap, but the contract also set a new precedent for the defensive end position. The other free agents also signed high priced deals as Grant and Kerney both signed for 6 or 7 years and about $20million in guaranteed money plus incentives that could go between $40 and $60million. This left the Bengals with the option of signing Smith long term for about $20million guaranteed plus big incentives, or sticking with the one year franchise tag of $8.6million. Being desperate for an end, but not wanting to throw excess bad money at Smith, the Bengals were forced to sign Smith for another high priced year of average. And unless the Bengals can find another option before next season, expect them to franchise Smith again, or bite the bullet and overpay just to lock him up.

Justin Smith is a viable NFL starter at defensive end and the most durable player the Bengals have. However, he is average at best and has not improved at all over his career. His luck of timing is incredible though as he has been the most overpaid Bengal by far, and is seen as a leader instead of a moron.

Just for reference, Smith was drafted the same year as Chad, Rudi and TJ. Here are their total salaries including bonuses, through this year, as Bengals:

Not exact numbers, but taken from NFL salary database
TJ: $10,974,360
Rudi: $18,412,526
Smith: $27,300,000
Chad: $28,307, 380
Or All-Pro Willie Anderson during the same period: $27,200,000

I have nothing to add to this. Wait, how about this: I agree.

More stuff to be posted soon. In the meantime, listen to the podcasts.

-Brad Spieser

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Thursday's Plans

Wake up. Write.


-Brad Spieser

New Podcast, People

Listen to the podcast if you want to find out, among other things, how Craig's mother feels about people with AIDS! (exclamation point)

-Brad Spieser

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Retail Employees Isn't Smart

Has anyone anywhere ever answered NO to the following question: "Do you want the receipt in the bag?"

Seriously, why do the 19 year-old dopes at Banana Republic (presumably) even bother asking me where I'd like them to put the receipt after I've purchased a pair of pants (or whatever)? I mean, where else would you put the receipt, dickhead? The only other option would be giving it directly to me, which would give me a few options, I suppose, but the best one would be putting the goddamn receipt in the bag!

I thought we were trying to eliminate the middle man. It's the 90's, you know?

-Brad Spieser

This is Worse Than Enron

My roommate is a psycho, which better explains her early-October purchase of eight tons of Halloween candy. Despite our expectations of zero trick-or-treaters, she felt the need to buy eight (count 'em eight) different types of miniature (and/or fun size) candies. Among that mess is approximately four billion bags of Skittles, which--I'm pretty sure--is smack dab in the middle of a mega-scandal. Read on.

Supposedly every different-colored Skittle has a different flavor, as opposed to just being a representative of a flavor, which is what I always thought. For my entire life, I've always lumped Skittles in with M & Ms, because they both had multi-colored shells with the same flavor. But last night, as I was inhaling mini-bags in record time I further examined the bag, and sure enough...grape, strawberry, lime, orange and lemon.


I couldn't believe what I was seeing? "There's no way these bastards have different tastes," I thought. After clearing my mind for a few minutes (read: bathroom break), I ran one final test to find out if they've been lying or--perhaps more realistic--I'm just an idiot with below-average taste buds.

So I carefully sucked on one Skittle at a time until the bag was empty...

The results? They're fucking lying. I'm not kidding--the green tasted the same as the red, ditto for orange and purple. This isn't fair. This is an outrage!

I don't care what the bag says, I'm calling bullshit on Mars, Inc.

-Brad Spieser

Monday, October 8, 2007

I Swear, I Haven't Been Drinking

Every now and again, when I'm feeling crazy, I feel like italicizing capital letters to strongly emphasize a point.


-Brad Spieser

Scumbag Gamblers: My Kind of People

I really like fantasy football, and I fucking love gambling on football (and for the record, I don't consider the former pastime to be a form of gambling). I'm 27 years-young, and I've been participating in both for over half my life. If you wanted to hear stories of some of my better draft picks--like Albert Connell in 1999--I'm your guy. I'm also your guy if you wanted to listen to a glorious tale of teenage gambling--like when I successfully bet an equal amount on the 49ers - 20 and the Chargers + 30 for Super Bowl XXIX (final score: 49ers 49, Chargers 26).

Here's why I bring this up: I'm not as passionate about fantasy football as I once was (although I still enjoy it), and I can't bet on football every weekend, because I've been cleaned out so many times that I finally learned my lesson (kinda, but that's another story). But anyway, even though I'm not as involved with fantasy and gambling anymore, I still watch games a bit differently.

When I watch football games, I always think about the ramifications of every little play. By ramifications, I mean I wonder how much money that play is going to cost the fantasy owners/gamblers of the world. I do this more so with gambling, but plenty with fantasy football, as well. I'll give you examples of what I mean for both.


Late in the 2nd quarter of the Chargers/Broncos game Sunday, San Diego kicker Nate Kaeding nailed a 35 yard FG to give his team a 20-3 lead. Not so fast, my friend: it turns out that someone for San Diego held on the play. After the ball was pushed back 10 yards, Kaeding calmly buried the 45 yarder. In most fantasy scoring formats, you (the owner) is awarded 4 points for FGs between 40-49 yards, 5 points for 50-59 yards, etc., and only 3 points for every FG less than 39 yards. So a stupid holding penalty probably resulted in an ass-chewing for the culprit, but it definitely resulted in dozens of wins across the land for fantasy geeks.

Gambling (the important stuff):

I got insanely boozed-up Saturday, so even though I watched every snap of the Ohio State-Purdue match, I forgot plenty of the details. Which is why I rewatched the 2nd half the next morning. What I found was amazing, even if it wasn't amazing at all.

Dear non-bettors,

Do you know what a teaser is? It's a multi-team wager, allowing the bettor to choose a minimum of two teams, but rarely more than four. The bettor will get points on his favor to add or subtract to the teams chosen to improve the point spread chosen. A typical two-teamer let's you take six points in your favor from both teams you'll be betting. For instance, If you wanted to bet on two teams that are favored by 6 points, they would no longer have to cover a spread; they would simply have to win (except in the NFL, where a tie is possible). Also, the more teams you take, the more points you get on your side...a standard three-teamer allows you to jerk the point spread 10 points in your favor for every team. And that's where this story is headed.

So, late in the 4th quarter, as I'm watching the mighty Buckeyes clobber poor little Purdue 23-0, I started to think about the point spread (OSU was favored by 7), and how it might affect the lives of the gambling gamblers. Clearly, OSU was going to cover the spread, but what about anybody who teased Purdue to + 17? It's conceivable that--considering it was a late night national TV game and OSU rarely blows teams out--many many many MANY of folk had Purdue + 17 to complete a three-team teaser.

And sure, you know Purdue lost by 16 to cover the teased 17 points, but the turn of events leading to the Purdue cover was enough to give even the most weathered of gamblers a goddamn heart attack.

With under two minutes remaining, Purdue was driving, but not really. They had backups in everywhere (including a white RB!), and were converting broken plays left and right; nothing about it was by design. Had you taken Purdue in a three-teamer you wouldn't have felt the slightest bit comfortable with their chances of achieving a backdoor cover. So anyway, after converting a difficult 3rd & long (or maybe it was 4th), Purdue was staring at a 1st & goal from well inside OSU's 5 yard line, with about :30 to go and no timeouts left. I couldn't tell you what happened on 1st down, but I'll never forget what happened on 2nd: Purdue scored a touchdown, except the refs inexplicably called the ball-carrier (the aforementioned white dude) down at the 1, even though his entire body was in the freaking endzone (this is not an exaggeration). I'm not kidding at all when I say that it was one of the ten worst calls I've ever seen. Hell, even Musberger and Herbstreit were shocked that it wasn't reviewed. And the whole time ABC was showing the replay the clock was ticking down and Purdue was down to what might be their last play. And while they were playing with urgency to keep from getting shutout, it wasn't like the game was on the line, and there's a big difference between the two. Meanwhile, every degenerate who teased Purdue is acting more irrational than they ever have (or at least since three hours ago) because the refs just wanted to get the hell out of there instead of waiting through another TV timeout.

Long story short, Purdue scored on the next play, with under ten seconds on the clock, to cover the tease by a single point. If you don't bet (or haven't bet a significant amount before), I can see how this post was fairly boring. But for the great people in this world who, on occasion, bet more than they have in their checking account, you understand what a rollercoaster ride it must have been for anyone who needed Purdue + 17 to complete a three team teaser.

Trust me, it wasn't Art Schlichter's fault

-Brad Spieser

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Albert Clifford Slater was Handsome

I have words in my head that I need to write. Those words are about football. But I isn't going to write those words until Monday afternoon. This is because I have to wake up well before TBS runs four consecutive episodes of Saved By The Bell at 7:00. You should feel sorry for me.

Anyway, since you're here, you at least deserve something resembling an original thought. Here goes...

I hate any broadcaster who mispronounces the word veteran by saying "veh-trin." Sure, it might not be as bad as anybody who "warshes" their car, but still.

(Reminder: if you haven't already, do yourself a favor and scroll down to watch the fighting giraffes video. Also, new podcasts are on the way. Keep checking back.)

-Brad Spieser

Friday, October 5, 2007

The Best Video Ever...This Time I Mean It

Maybe you knew this, maybe you didn't...but I'm fascinated by giraffes. They are--without question--the awesomest animals in the history of animals. I am not kidding at all when I say that I've always wanted to be rich enough to afford a few giraffes for the ol' backyard (to give the kids something to play with, or whatever).

If asked to explain my obsession with these creatures, I'd probably struggle to find an answer, although I'd likely say something about their body shape (they're the Merton Hanks of the animal kingdom), and how they don't even remotely resemble any other animal. And that answer wouldn't satisfy you, so I'd go on to remind you of the giraffe sex picture I posted on the site a month ago. And I'd definitely tell you about the time a giraffe raced a world-class sprinter in Man vs. Beast, and how I watched it approximately 600 times before bedtime that night (and remember, that was pre-Tivo...I taped that sucker on VHS).

(Note: the Man vs. Beast video can be found later in the post).

So anyway, being that I love giraffes far more than any other animal, I have no explanation for why I've never searched "giraffe fight" on YouTube. Let me tell you, now that I've done just that, I can tell you with absolute life is complete.

Here's why:

1. Did you even know that giraffes had a mean bone in their bodies?

2. If you knew that YES was the answer to No. 1, did you know that that's how they fought, by violently whipping their necks into each other?

Going without a drink on a Friday night typically sucks, but this makes sobriety tolerable. Not unlike Josh Hamilton, giraffes are capable of anything.

Now for the aforementioned Man vs. Beast video (be sure to focus in on the giraffe's hind legs at the :07 mark):

Believe it or not, my intentions were not to show a video of fighting giraffes, but I really didn't have a choice. I'm sure you understand. The only sad thing about the giraffe video was that it prevented me from making fun of myself for my 3-5 record against the spread this season. It also kept me from writing about college football stuff, especially Ohio State. Which is why you get the abbreviated version of what was already going to be an abbreviated post.

Locks of the millennium (the new wrinkle will be unveiled next week):

NCAA: UCLA -22 vs. Notre Dame (I promise, this won't be the week where Notre Dame gets back on track. Also, Ben Olson goes nuts on ND's secondary. This has to be a 42-3 game, or else I don't know anything about college football)

NFL: Washington/Detroit OVER 46 (Jason Campbell throws for 4 TDs Sunday. Lock it.)

College football prediction that needs to be said in order to show off my intelligence: Come Saturday night, OSU Sophomore WR Ray Small will finally make a name for himself. He's been thisclose a handful of times, only to be slowed by an ankle injury and a concussion. Well, his ankle is healthy, his brain doesn't hurt, and he's ready to run past Purdue on a national stage.

In case you've forgotten, here's what I wrote about Ray Small in my preseason OSU post, on 9/4/07:

"Without Ray Small, who's nursing an ankle injury, this team cannot win a national title. Now, I only give OSU a slim chance to win it all this season anyway, but that hope can be directly attributed to Small's ability to make you miss and take it the distance. By my count, he's the only player on the offense with Ginn's ability to receive a one yard pass and take it 85 yards. He's the best kick/punt returner on the squad and his game-breaking potential will be desperately needed when Todd Boeckman is struggling through an 8-21 performance at Penn State. "

Ray Small has twelve career receptions--he's not even a starter--and yet I would be shocked if he isn't a star on Sundays.

You've been warned.

-Brad Spieser

Reality is Real

I'll tell you what sucks...when your day peaks before noon.

So I went to the vending machine at 11:19 to buy a bag of Reese's Pieces for the eye-opening-but-reasonable price of seventy cents. And the second I swallowed my first handful I knew it was worth every penny. I also knew that my day wasn't going to get any better. Being 27 years-old sucks.

E.T. was a goddamn genius.

Super important note about my next batch of words: Sometime before I go to bed I will post my locks of the week (with an exciting new wrinkle) and probably a couple hundred words about the upcoming weekend in football. Even though readership drops off during weekends, there is still some crap I must post. So if you're a bored gay loser, check back Friday night/Saturday morning for decent goodness. That's all.

-Brad Spieser

Thursday, October 4, 2007

We've Never Met, and I Hate You

You're an idiot if...

You use chopsticks to eat your Chinese food (unless your Chinese, then you're only half stupid).

Listen, you're not better than me, so stop acting as if that's the case. What purpose do chopsticks serve, anyway? The answer is THEY DON'T SERVE A FREAKING PURPOSE! Even if you're the guy who invented chopsticks, you will never be able to pinch as much food as I can shovel in with my fork. Basically, you're a stupid dummy--and don't bother rattling off some nonsense about culture, because really, when has that ever mattered, you dumb American?

Anyway, why don't people make a bigger deal out of this? I mean, using chopsticks in lieu of a fork is like rubbing two sticks together while the guy next to you has a Zippo.

I hate people. Especially you.

( update: I posted a new podcast ("is it okay for a man to sit down and pee"), and it's the funniest one yet. Please give it a listen and offer feedback.)

-Brad Spieser

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

What Else Can Go Wrong for the Bengals?

The more I think about it, there isn't much else to add about the Patriots' blowout of the Bengals. I think I pretty much said everything in my postgame blog Monday night, which can be found towards the bottom of this page. And I still feel optimistic about the rest of the season, although not as optimistic as two days ago.

Here's why: In a Wednesday afternoon column about the state of the team, this is what I had to read about the status of Willie Anderson, who is nursing foot and knee injuries:

"Lewis, however, did say he didn't expect Anderson to go on season-ending injured reserve."

Season-ending injured reserve? Whaaaaaaaa? Who said anything about that? Big Willie's a rock, an iron man. He'll be fine. All he needs is rest.

(Reality sinking in)...

The fact that the words INJURED and RESERVE were even used in the same sentence points to the severity of the injuries. It also scares the shit out of this guy (as I point to myself), and reminds me of the Rich Braham situation of 2006, when he was day-to-day for fourteen goddamn weeks.

If I were given 5-to-1 odds on Willie Anderson not playing another snap in 2007, I would gladly plunk down $50. This is not a good thing, although my 3-5 record picking "5 star locks of the millennium" suggests otherwise.

My advice to the coaching staff...

Since it looks as if Big Willie might be out for awhile, Marvin Lewis should move Andrew Whitworth to RT before breakfast. I can't handle another second of Scott Kooistra attempting to block talented, highly-paid mammals who would love to end Carson Palmer's life.

Who's with me? Does anyone want to sign a petition stating your displeasure with Scott Kooistra seeing significant playing time at RT?

Get back to me on that.

Christ, I'm getting tired, and I feel like I didn't accomplish my stated tasks. But I did post several pictures featuring hot animal sex, so I guess we'll call it even.

Now I'm off to watch boring baseball.

(Note: a new podcast will be posted Thursday afternoon. Keep checking back, peoples.)

-Brad Spieser

Being a CEO Doesn't Make You Smart

Before we get started, I just wanted to ease your mind with the following information: Budweiser is still Beechwood aged.


Really though, does the Busch family think we give a flying frick about such things? What does "Beechwood aging" mean anyway? Has that ever been the reason anyone anywhere purchased a Budwesier? Let me tell you about a conversation that has never taken place:

Fat White Guy No. 1: Hey Fat White Guy No. 2, what should I drink tonight?

Fat White Guy No. 2: How about Budweiser?

Fat White Guy No. 1: Why Budweiser?

Fat White Guy No. 2: Because it's Beechwood aged, of course.

Fat White Guy No. 1: HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! What was I thinking when I even considered anything else?

Listen, the reality is that Budweiser could fart in every bottle before sealing it, then base the new ad campaign on the mouthwatering taste of Budweiser farts and their revenue wouldn't drop a penny. If I was Budweiser's marketing genius, my slogan would be "Budweiser will get you so drunk that you'll lose your keys, thus preventing you from driving home."

In related, but somewhat realistic news, I've finally decided what I'll name my bar (you know, if I owned a bar). That establishment will be called Drink Whiskey Fast, and there will be a goddamn line that stretches around tall buildings for upwards of seven blocks.

Think about it, though, every other bar is called something generic like Pete's Good Times Cafe. And that's okay, I suppose (they might make a helluva Manhattan!), but a name like that will never bring in extra patrons. With Drink Whiskey Fast, which might cause a few town meetings and/or riots, there will be significant buzz in-and-around the city.

And although I'll be forced to quickly change the name or close up shop, the legacy of Drink Whiskey Fast will live on forever, kinda like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic. Or was that hideous Celine Dion song about Kate Winslet? Doesn't matter. Either way, I have good ideas.

Which is why I'm poor.

-Brad Spieser

Hope Solo to Appear Naked

To quote George Zimmer, "I guarantee it."

Listen to the podcast titled "brandon phillips weiner length--hope solo in playboy" for further details regarding Solo's upcoming photoshoot for America's leading smut mag.

-Brad Spieser

Baseball Playoffs are Happening

If the title of this post seems as if I really don't give a hell about the MLB playoffs...that's because I really don't give a hell about the MLB playoffs. At least not yet. But that doesn't mean that I won't watch every pitch of every game (not played on Saturday or Sunday), it just means that said games will be boring as sin. Just like every other goddamn baseball match, posteseason or otherwise. My life is terrible

But, since you're here for hard-hitting information, I might as well offer up a (not so) bold prediction:

The Arizona Diamondbacks won't win more than one game in the NLDS vs. Chicago. This is mostly because they are a pretty lousy baseball team. Really, check out their roster.

Besides days when Brandon Webb starts, do they have one REALLY GOOD (not star, but really good) player in their starting nine? The answer is NO. Eric Byrnes is their top hitter, and he hit .286 with 83 RBI. Those are decent numbers, but nothing that will carry a team in October. To put Byrnes' numbers in context, consider JD Drew: he's hitting .270 with 60 RBI--in twenty less games than Byrnes--and Boston fans are trying to run him out of town.

Want some more numbers that point to Arizona's shittiness?

Take a look at something called the pythagorean winning percentage. If you didn't bother clicking that link, I'll just tell you that it's a nerdy way for baseball diehards to determine, based on runs scored and runs allowed, an estimated W/L record. Well, since the Diamondbacks scored 712 runs in 2007, and allowed 732 (TWENTY MORE!), the nerdy stat says they should have had a record of 79-83.

And yeah, I know a lights-out bullpen (admittedly, Jose Valverde is a monster) can skew the numbers, but those numbers speak quite loudly.

Unless the current version of Justin Upton became the 2010 Justin Upton overnight, and if the Diamondbacks are luckier than (lack of pop culture reference), they have no chance to win more than one game in the NLDS.

This was a stupid post. Which is why I'll post a picture of more animal sex.

Nice focus by this Australian creature, wouldn't you say?

-Brad Spieser

Ben Stiller is Still a Douche

The intention of this post was to make fun of Ben Stiller's new movie, which is obviously going to be atrocious. But something happened on the way to the market. I typically hate surprises, but in this case I'm thoughoughly delighted.

When I went to YouTube, I searched for "The Hearbreak Kid trailer," and while I found a handful of trailers, I also found this video, which is way more entertaining than anything I could possibly write:

Anyone else horny?

-Brad Spieser

New Podcast, Dickheads

It's very decent. Go listen.

Then die.

-Brad Spieser

Kinky Animal Sex

To me, this is disgusting, but the public continues to demand pictures of animals making sex with each other. And since I'm a man of the peoples's, I have no choice but to deliver the goods.

Big ups to the beast in the middle! Double the pleasure, know what I'm saying?

(Note: I'm still cutting up Tuesday's podcasts...I'll begin posting them soon. Forgive me, I feel asleep at 8:20 last night. Seriously.)

-Brad Spieser

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Words About Life...and

First let me say that the sad story of BJ Grove has made it extremely difficult to assume blogging responsibilities. I guess I'll have to fight through it by remembering what my Bandit (1st and 2nd grade) football coach used to tell me during the tough times: "Stop being a pussy, you faggot!" Anyway...

Here's the deal: I just finished recording seventy minutes worth of podcasting goodness with Craig, and I have no choice but to spend the rest of my night cutting it up with my fancy editing program. I'm sure it seems like an easy process, and it sort of is, but that doesn't mean it's not time consuming.

So, for the rest of the night I'll take occasional breaks from editing to post a few bullshit mini-posts just to keep a smile on your dumb face. But Wednesday? Watch the frick out, yo!

I doesn't have to work Wednesday, which means I'm waking up at a reasonable hour (9:30ish), trekking to Walgreens for things like Q-tips, deodorant and Suave Tropical Coconut shampoo, running a few other errands (bank, post office, etc.), and blogging like a gay person (not sure what that means) for a good six hours. Wednesday's blogging will have a heavy dose of Bengals words, but I plan to touch on everything that I've ignored since the start of football season, like football.

If I was you, I'd anticipate words about college football, gambling (and my awful "5 star locks of the millennium"), MLB playoffs (maybe, maybe not), fat people, hillbillies and fat idiots.

Stay tuned. And keep checking back for new podcasts.

-Brad Spieser

Monday, October 1, 2007

Patriots 34 Points, Bengals 13 Points

It wasn't good. In fact, it was bad, and I pretty much expected as much. Actually, I don't know anybody who didn't expect a convincing Patriots victory.

Now the Bengals head to the bye week with a 1-3 record, with about as much momentum as a spider trying to fight his way out of the toilet. They only have two healthy (but crappy) linebackers, and a head coach who looks stupid while he awkwardly walks up and down the sideline on his one futuristic-looking crutch. Plus, Chad Johnson and Carson Palmer were screaming at each other on national TV, which probably isn't a big deal, but then again, it's decidedly less awesome than (a.) winning the lottery, (b.) French kissing or (3.) eating onion bagels.

This is not my idea of fun.


I remain optimistic. Really.

The bye week will give some time for Willie, Rudi and the LBs to rest/heal, Levi to sharpen his game, Kooistra to get abducted, blah blah blah...

Even more importantly than that, the schedule is pretty easy from this point forward. Unless I doesn't know nothing, my favorite American football contestants will be favored in nine of the final twelve games, including the first three after the bye week (at KC, home versus NYJ and Pittsburgh). Now, I'm obviously not considering these games layups, but the Bengals won't be overmatched for any other game on the schedule. At least I don't think so. The only game remaining that will see the Bengals as a decided underdog will be the Dec. 2 game at Pittsburgh, but that's a long way away, and you know, things can happen and stuff. Shit, Scott Kooistra might be on a milk carton by then. Anyway...

Take a look at the final twelve games:

at KC, NYJ, PIT, at BUF, at BALT, ARZ, TEN, at PITT, STL, at SF, CLE, at MIA.

I ask you...Do any of those teams scare you? Me neither. And I realize the Bengals aren't exactly the '72 Dolphins, but it wouldn't be a miracle if the Bengals finished the season by winning eight of the final twelve, giving them a 9-7 record and a shot at the playoffs.

Regardless, I think the first quarter of game No. 5--at Arrowhead, after a bye week--will tell us all we need to know about Marvin Lewis. This is not an exaggeration. If the troops come out flat in Kansas City, you can forget about the rest of the season.

If the Bengals play with purpose from the outset, playing January football is a realistic possibility.

That's all for now. More Bengal words on the way...

(Fun stat department: Mike Vrabel has caught 9 career TD passes; Akili Smith only threw five six-pointers in his distinguished career.)

-Brad Spieser

Bengals-Pats Prediction...Just Because

I see Carson Palmer playing well, but spending too much time on his back. My guess is six sacks allowed for the Bengals' O-Line.

I DO NOT see the Bengals getting a finger on Tom Brady.

I see not one, but two trick plays attempted by the desperate Bengals.

I see Kenny Watson rushing for less than 20 yards.

I see Carson Palmer throwing fifty passes.

I see the Bengals forcing multiple (I'll say three) turnovers against the mighty Pats.

I see myself being critical of something Marvin Lewis does tonight (stay tuned for the postgame mega-blog).

I see Wes Welker having somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 receptions.

I see the MNF crew moronically comparing Chad and TJ.

I see myself stopping right about now, mostly because I'm hungry for tacos and whatnot.

Final Score: Pats 35, Bengals 20.

(Note: Mark Curnutte even picked a Pats win, so you know the Bengals don't have a snowball's chance.)

-Brad Spieser

Being Topical

Something you needed to know, even if you knew already...

Trisha Yearwood's version of the 1997 smash hit "How Do I live" was far superior to all others. Understand?

To hell with you, LeAnn Rimes!

Two things: (1.) I hate country music, and (2.) this post captured my honest feelings.

-Brad Spieser