This is Worse Than Enron

My roommate is a psycho, which better explains her early-October purchase of eight tons of Halloween candy. Despite our expectations of zero trick-or-treaters, she felt the need to buy eight (count 'em eight) different types of miniature (and/or fun size) candies. Among that mess is approximately four billion bags of Skittles, which--I'm pretty sure--is smack dab in the middle of a mega-scandal. Read on.

Supposedly every different-colored Skittle has a different flavor, as opposed to just being a representative of a flavor, which is what I always thought. For my entire life, I've always lumped Skittles in with M & Ms, because they both had multi-colored shells with the same flavor. But last night, as I was inhaling mini-bags in record time I further examined the bag, and sure enough...grape, strawberry, lime, orange and lemon.

What.The.Fuck?

I couldn't believe what I was seeing? "There's no way these bastards have different tastes," I thought. After clearing my mind for a few minutes (read: bathroom break), I ran one final test to find out if they've been lying or--perhaps more realistic--I'm just an idiot with below-average taste buds.

So I carefully sucked on one Skittle at a time until the bag was empty...

The results? They're fucking lying. I'm not kidding--the green tasted the same as the red, ditto for orange and purple. This isn't fair. This is an outrage!

I don't care what the bag says, I'm calling bullshit on Mars, Inc.

-Brad Spieser
10/9/07