Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Being a CEO Doesn't Make You Smart

Before we get started, I just wanted to ease your mind with the following information: Budweiser is still Beechwood aged.


Really though, does the Busch family think we give a flying frick about such things? What does "Beechwood aging" mean anyway? Has that ever been the reason anyone anywhere purchased a Budwesier? Let me tell you about a conversation that has never taken place:

Fat White Guy No. 1: Hey Fat White Guy No. 2, what should I drink tonight?

Fat White Guy No. 2: How about Budweiser?

Fat White Guy No. 1: Why Budweiser?

Fat White Guy No. 2: Because it's Beechwood aged, of course.

Fat White Guy No. 1: HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! What was I thinking when I even considered anything else?

Listen, the reality is that Budweiser could fart in every bottle before sealing it, then base the new ad campaign on the mouthwatering taste of Budweiser farts and their revenue wouldn't drop a penny. If I was Budweiser's marketing genius, my slogan would be "Budweiser will get you so drunk that you'll lose your keys, thus preventing you from driving home."

In related, but somewhat realistic news, I've finally decided what I'll name my bar (you know, if I owned a bar). That establishment will be called Drink Whiskey Fast, and there will be a goddamn line that stretches around tall buildings for upwards of seven blocks.

Think about it, though, every other bar is called something generic like Pete's Good Times Cafe. And that's okay, I suppose (they might make a helluva Manhattan!), but a name like that will never bring in extra patrons. With Drink Whiskey Fast, which might cause a few town meetings and/or riots, there will be significant buzz in-and-around the city.

And although I'll be forced to quickly change the name or close up shop, the legacy of Drink Whiskey Fast will live on forever, kinda like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic. Or was that hideous Celine Dion song about Kate Winslet? Doesn't matter. Either way, I have good ideas.

Which is why I'm poor.

-Brad Spieser