Thursday, May 13, 2010

Falling Asleep At Wheel, Joe Buck Unfunny, Carlos Boozer, Etc.

I just made up my mind: I'm posting at least one item over the next twenty days. This is now my mission. Note: When I say "twenty days," I'm referring to the days of the week not named Saturday or Sunday (and some Fridays, depending on how busy/tired I am). So the next "twenty days," by my calculation, could take a year-and-a-half, but whatever. At least I'm writing. Which seems to be all you peoples's want out of me.


1. Some things will never stop blowing my mind. Topping that list will always be falling asleep at the wheel. There isn't a soul on Earth immune to this phenomenon and really, I have no idea how it's ever happened once. Think about all the times you've been in the most comfortable environment imaginable (your bed, lights out, 64 degrees), wearing an endlessly comfortable article of clothing ($65 basketball shorts), desperately trying to fall asleep...and yet, despite the fact that you've been awake all day -- and need to be up in five hours -- you can't get to sleep.

By comparison...

You're driving an 80,000-lb. (or whatever cars weigh) piece of steel (or whatever cars are made of)'re sitting no way is your underwear making you more might be tired, but staying awake has never been more important...and then you start drifting off...which of course leads to your brilliant decision to roll the windows down (unless you're a snob with automatic windows, in which case you push a button until the window is down) and crank the music to deafening levels.

None of it works.

You start pinching yourself and calling friends (they of course never answer) and that doesn't work, either. After narrowly avoiding a few dozen wrecks, you make it home alive. But it was the struggle of a lifetime. Your head was bobbing up and down the entire time and you can't recall details from the last half hour.

How in the hell does that happen? I'm positive that question has been asked and answered roughly 40 billion times since the advent of the Internet, but I've never heard one. Please help.

2. While am at it, can someone tell me why the inside of my left ear itches when I gently massage the area to the immediate left of my lips? Or, perhaps even more bizarre...why doesn't the same phenomenon take place when I do the exact same thing on the right side of my face?

Yes, this is a sports website.


3. Okay, while I'm still asking gay questions that are always on my mind: Why is it considered an airball if your shot misses the rim but still hits the net? This isn't just coming from fans in basketball arenas, either. When I played HORSE as a little kid, you'd always pick up a letter for airballs, and a shot that hits just net was considered an airball. What genius came up with that rule, and how in God's name did it stick?

4. Taylor Mays, according to Craig, is the biggest, blackest human around (which, if you frequent this site, is the highest compliment he is capable of giving). He's also Jewish. For some reason I find this interesting. I stumbled across this nugget recently while on one of my random Wikipedia journeys. Here's a complete list of Jews in sports.

5. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Pawn Stars and everything, but the main guy, Rick, laughs at his own jokes far too often. This means he's not funny (and pretty annoying). Funny people don't laugh at their own jokes.

6. Speaking of not funny, I give you Joe Buck and Jim Nantz. Yes, I know you've always thought they were humorless squares, but their respective efforts in recent commercials confirm your beliefs. First, watch Nantz, then Buck (video not found) and see if your response is anything but creeped out. You're either funny or you're not. Jim Nantz and Joe Buck aren't funny; they're just nerds on a commercial trying waaaaaay too hard to seem likable.

7. Charles Barkley is my favorite basketball analyst of all time, and yet I haven't learned much from him over the years -- I'm not so sure he watches much basketball during the regular season. Anyway, he said something Tuesday night on Inside the NBA that is dead wrong: 'The Jazz shouldn't sign Carlos Boozer because they'll be left with the same problem as this year.'

(I paraphrased the last sentence, but I'm accurate with his beliefs.)

Let me run you through what he's saying and why he's wrong...

The Jazz just got swept by the Lakers, mostly because the Jazz are just too short to compete with the massive Lakers. If you sign Carlos Boozer to a long-term contract this offseason, you're basically saying, "Yeah, we'll be good, but we'll never be good enough to beat the Lakers."

Again, that's Charles Barkley's logic. Thing is, I agree with every part of it. But I'd still re-sign Carlos Boozer. In a heartbeat, I would. Because signing Carlos Boozer gives the Jazz the absolute best chance of winning a long as they don't have to play the Lakers of Los Angeles, California.

It's all about matchups. The Saints might not have been good enough to beat the Ravens this past year, but they didn't have to play them in the Super Bowl; they got the Colts, a team they matched up with.

I watched a ton of hoop this year, and I can tell you, undoubtedly, the Jazz were good enough to beat every team in basketball in a seven-game series...except for those behemoths in L.A. Letting Boozer go and signing a few seven-foot stiffs would be a mistake. I say keep Boozer, keep churning out 55-win seasons and hope for the best. Just because the Lakers will never lose to the Jazz doesn't mean they won't lose to another team. and once the Lakers are eliminated, it's on. Trust me, trust me, trust me: Utah has a championship-caliber team on their hands, and their best chance of cutting down the nets (or hoisting the trophy, or whatever) is with Carlos Boozer playing with them, not against them.

It's all about matchups.


End of words. I promise to write more words on Monday.

-Brad Spieser (