Thursday, August 16, 2007

Dumb Idiots Play Tackle Football in Cincinnati

My name is Brad and I like mocking idiots...and August is a fantastic month for performing this enjoyable act. Case in point: The Cincinnati Enquirer's daily "Across the Middle" feature, which asks (often unheralded) Bengals a couple of simple questions. I guess the idea is to allow the reader a chance to become acquainted with these strangers. Or something. I think we're supposed to see them as regular people--as opposed to football stars--but I mostly see them as goddamn morons (it'll make sense in a second). Who knows, most of y'alls might enjoy "learning" about Jeff Rowe's favorite TV show, which would effectively place me in the minority. (Note: I think the same thing happens with celebrity-based reality television. I hear the reason it's interesting is because we get to see people like Gene Simmons tying his shoes or shopping for lettuce, allowing the viewer to think "that's funny, I just did the same thing yesterday.")

The Enquirer's been running this section for years during training camp and it never disappoints, at least not to me. I can honestly say it's funnier than most speedboat crashes. But just barely.

Here's a sample of the Enquirer's Q & A with various Bengals:

From Skyler Green...

Favorite TV show: "Fresh Prince of Bel Air." Will Smith is funny.

From Nate Livings...

Favorite TV show: "I'd say `Fresh Prince of Bel Air.' I like to see Will (Smith) in his younger days and how much he has grown up."

Favorite movie: "It would be `Training Day.' Denzel (Washington) switched roles, and he's gangster in this one. I like his swagger."

From Michael Myers...

Favorite movie: "'The Negotiator.' It's about Samuel L. Jackson as a cop. There's a scandal."

From some assbag named Jesse Holley...

Favorite TV show: "martin." He's hilarious."

From Leon Hall...

Favorite TV show: "King of Queens." "You can't beat it."

From Matt Toeaina, who I would also call an assbag if it weren't for that sweet return versus the Lions...

Favorite movie: "Gladiator." I mean, I'm the type of person, I have the attitude; it's the attitude you have to apply to the football field."

From assbag Hall-of-Famer Matt Muncy...

Favorite movie: "Forrest Gump"

Why: "Just takes you through a lot of periods of time in history."

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your 2007 Cincinnati Bengals!

Before I sign off I thought I'd let you enjoy the high comedy of a speedboat crash...

You wanna know who is a professional? The P.A. guy at that speedboat race--he didn't flinch at all after possibly witnessing a horrific death.

Much respect, partner.