Thursday, August 23, 2007

Is Drunken Golf Cart Driving a Laughing Matter? Why Yes

As you may have heard, actor Bill Murray managed to pick up a DUI in Sweden this week while driving a golf cart. This was the topic of conversation on an ESPN radio show yesterday, and listeners were asked to call in with their funniest golf cart stories. Their stories were typical. "I crashed the cart" or "I ran over a fence" were about as crazy as it got. My brother Colly happened to be in the car at the time, and he dryly pointed out before the stories even started coming in that "none of them will beat mine and Brad's golf cart story."

This prompted me to dig up the email that I sent out to a few friends and acquaintances who knew Brad and Colly a few days following the aforementioned golf cart incident. As it turns out, several people who were on the email list thought this story was was funny enough that the email warranted saving and still had it. The following email was sent on June 7, 2005:

(The above photo was taken at the beginning of their round, before anyone was injured.)

"My buddy Brad Spieser set the new standard for dumbass drunken behavior. This will NEVER BE TOPPED!!!

While playing in a charity golf outing named in honor of his H.S. friend who died of Leukemia, This knucklehead (who has his own personal breathalyzer that he brings out for special occasions. This was one of them.) was playing in a foursome with two of his apparently out of control HS friends and my brother Colly (who is also a notorious drunken idiot).

These assholes got so fucking drunk (somewhere in the neighborhood of a .20 in the middle of the day) that Brad decided it would be funny to surprise his friends by driving his cart full speed into their cart. The intentional rear ending of the other cart caused violent kickback from the steering wheel which broke his wrist. What an idiot!!! A normal person would be a bit embarrassed by his behavior and would quietly sneak off to the hospital to have his injury examined. Not Brad. He wasn't finished.

He knew he f'ed-up his wrist but decided against going home or getting his wrist checked out because, as he put it, "fuck it! I'm still going to the bar when we're done." Unfortunately, he never made it. My equally drunk and mentally defective brother Colly took over the driving duties after Brad broke his wrist. He proceeded to flip the golf cart, and in the process ejected Brad. In an attempt to protect the wrist he previously injured, Brad fell awkwardly, and managed to tear the rotator cuff IN HIS OTHER ARM!!!.

Today Brad sits virtually incapacitated, wearing a cast on one arm and a sling
on the other, unable to complete simple tasks such as shaving, brushing his
teeth etc. because he can't use EITHER ARM!!!!

For those of you who don't know, Brad stands about 6'6 and weighs an estimated 185Lbs. This all happened while he was wearing a white underwear T-shirt on which he scrawled "I'm on Steroids" with a sharpie, a fisherman hat, short shorts, orange Bengals socks and ridiculous
sunglasses. My brother was clad in knickers, knee socks, a sweater vest
and scally cap. His intention was to look like he stepped out of one of the
golf scenes from The Legend of Baggar Vance. At least they didn't look like
the type of assclowns that could seriously injure theselves on a golf course.

I think that he has cemented his legacy as THE BIGGEST DUMBASS I KNOW, and that is saying alot. I regularly associate with a considerable amount of dumbasses."

That was my account of the story as it was told to me. I'm sure I botched some of the details, but you get the point. They are idiots. It should also be noted that after Brad had to have a surgery on each arm, he was unable to play on our Thursday night basketball team FOR NINE MONTHS because he was rehabbing his injuries!!!

Cam Carey (8/23/07)