Big Happenings At The Library And Whatnot

I don't know if you know this or not, and I hesitate to let the rest of the world in on my little secret, but they're just giving shit away at the library. Story time.

I was forced to surf the Net at the dumb library today - Lord knows I couldn't go a day without reading Rob Neyer and/or Bucknuts - and after taking a ride on the Information Superhighway (or whatever the kids are calling it these days), I wound up *renting* season four of Entourage for *free*. Think about that. Renting. For free!

I've only stolen one thing in my life - a Cadbury Egg from the Westwood Walgreens in the summer of '89 - and I remember being scared like never before. Well, I felt the same way today as I left the dumb library. I walked out of that dumb place half expecting to get swarmed by the fuzz like one of those creeps on To Catch a Predator (video below). Anyway...

Has this been going on forever? Because right now - this very second - I feel luckier than a dying Lou Gehrig (who, when you think about it, was either a big liar or a complete moron).

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/10/08

Mr. Spike Lee... Paging Mr. Spike Lee...

Blacks + basketball + hanging bananas = monkey thoughts = egregious racism.

Have you seen the NBA Live '09 commercial? The guy who ok'd this must love the first 45 minutes of American History X.

Is it possible the head marketing fellow at EA Sports knows nothing about subtlety?

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/9/08

The Hottest Girl Ever Breaks Up With Me

Those kids in the picture look really sad, don't they? Let me tell you, those idiots know nothing about sadness. Explain.

Think of the hottest girl you've ever met...I know someone hotter - and I've seen her naked on multiple occasions (she even ate Smarties in my bed after she smoked some weed!). This person is so perfect that if her goal was to sleep with Ben Affleck by the end of the week, she'd have no problem.

More importantly, she's listened to several TwinKilling podcasts. For a brief moment she was crazy about me. But it's over now. She told me so via text message, which was only the most heartbreaking news since Nick Van Exel's retirement.

For more details you can listen to the hottest girl ever breaks up with me, the most painful podcast I've ever had to post.

Now if you don't mind I'm going to watch some Chris Isaak videos and drink a bottle of wine.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/8/08

Fact: It's Impossible To Get AIDS

Is there a noise worse than a crying baby? How about the constant dinging your car makes if you're not wearing your seat belt?

How do you make a microwave?

Did Matt Millen deserve to be fired?

Wanna know what I do when I lock my keys in my 1998 Dodge Intrepid? Wanna know what I'd do if my 1998 Dodge Intrepid had a flat tire? (Hint: The answers are related.)

If you tried hard enough, could you get AIDS? Could you get raped?

Does friendliness lead to shirt removal?


Craig and I don't necessarily answer all of these questions in our thought-provoking podcast, its impossible to get aids, but we give it our best effort. Which should be good enough for you.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/8/08

Kurt Cobain Was Smart Enough To Kill Himself

Knowing when to kill yourself is important. It's also a skill. The following three people should have taken a lesson from Kurt Cobain:

1. Kurt Warner - If he kills himself the night before the '01 Super Bowl, a game the Rams lost to double-digit underdog New England, there's a wing at the Hall of Fame named after Kurt Warner.

2. Terrell Davis - He'd be considered one of the ten best RBs in history had he blown his brains out before the '99 season.

3. Tom Brady - Brady will always be considered one of the game's great players - so his legacy is safe to a certain extent - but a bullet in his head on the eve of the Super Bowl loss to the Giants and the "Top QB of all time" debate is moot.

It's an odd thing to talk about, and maybe Kurt Warner has friends and relatives who would like to see him take a few thousand more breaths, but it doesn't mean I'm wrong. Which is why you should listen to our latest podcast, kurt cobain was smart enough to kill himself, and thank me later.

(Help: Email me if you have good examples of famous people who should have killed themselves.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/8/08

I Can Beat Up Most Women

Would you ever trust a 25-year-old female pilot? I wouldn't.

How long would it take to knock the average woman unconscious? Best guess: nine seconds.

Wanna know the main reason I'll never fight for this country? Forget the bullets whizzing by your head and consider the discomfort one must have while trying to take a nap. It's like 150 degrees in Iraq in the middle of January. No thanks.

Thems are the types of things Craig and I talk about in our brilliant podcast, i can beat up most women.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/8/08

Wiggers Are People, Too!

If you watched even four inning of Reds baseball this season on Fox Sports Ohio (a television network), you undoubtedly know three things:

1. George Grande thinks every player in the history of baseball is not only a great player, but a great person.

2. Chris Welsh says "shinburger" a lot.

3. There is something in this world called FarmersOnly.com...and it's not a joke. I repeat...not a joke.

You know about Farmers Only, right? Just in case...

And don't forget about this...

Anyway, it got me to thinking about the unacceptable void in the online dating scene: WiggersOnly.com. This brilliant idea was only the beginning of our latest podcast, wiggers are people too. And, of course, it led to further discussion of wiggers, the most interesting group of mammals on this planet. Craig is more than qualified to speak on the topic of wiggers, as his sister-in-law is the walking definition of a wigger - laughably poor grammar and everything.

Admit it, you're intrigued.

(Note: For those of you who crave more sports content on this site, there is a funny and true story involving Chad Ocho Cinco on the podcast.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/8/08

Do You Honk Your Horn In Traffic Jams?

1. How do you speak to people when you're in a time of need? And by "time of need," I mean Nick Van Exel and his mom are going to be on Wheel of Fortune together, it starts in two minutes and I need someone to tape it. Things like that used to happen all the time in my teens and I'm pretty sure my parents should've disowned me after the first time. Instead, they just told me to "change my tone." Still haven't.

2. Do screaming and acting irrationally get the desired results? I say YES. You should have heard me barking orders Monday at the young Pakistani lady who happened to be a tech support supervisor for Dell. Yeah, I'm somewhat embarrassed about my behavior, and my roommate will never look at me the same, but I'd still be on hold had I not started shouting.

3. Have you ever honked your horn when you were stuck in a traffic jam? Craig does this a lot, and seems to think it's the right way to handle a helpless situation. And you's guys can here all about it on our short podcast, honking the horn in traffic jams. Come to think of it, Craig reminds me a little bit of Michael Douglas in Falling Down...

and a little bit like Johnny Drama...

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/7/08

Trying Harder Doesn't Always Work (Just Ask Robert Geathers)

Bengals.com, a few weeks ago:

"We need to have a better sense of urgency and it's more of a mentality," Geathers said after practice Wednesday. "Me and Odom have talked about it this week. Not to be hesitant. To get after them. We've been so focused on playing the run, we've been a little hesitant when it comes to situations where we need to get off the ball."

I think we were supposed to believe this newfound focus was going to solve Robert Geathers and Antwan Odom's inability to come within a three-yard radius the quarterback. This, I thought, was funny. And my reaction can be heard on a short podcast titled trying harder doesnt always work. It could have also been titled, "Ryan Freel is annoying."

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/7/08

Marvin Lewis Isn't The Only Idiot

Which scenario would you prefer for your favorite football team?

1. Score: Trailing 34-27. Time remaining: One minute. Field position: Own 20 at worst, and maybe a lot better. Timeouts left: Two

2. Score: Trailing 30-27. Time remaining: Twelve seconds. Field position: Buried inside of your own 20. Timeouts left: ZERO!

The obvious choice is No. 1, which explains why Sean Payton chose option No. 2.

Fact: NFL coaches don't know what the hell they're doing late in games.

In case you missed the end of the Vikings-Saints contest...

With under 1:30 to go in the 4th, Vikings QB Gustaf Willie McGee Frerotte heaved a 3rd down duck into double coverage to the Saints' 12 yard line (or somewhere very close), where Saints DB (and ex-Bengal superstar) Kevin Kaesviharn molested WR Bernard Berrian. Penalty. Spot foul. First down. Field goal range. Chip shot territory. Game over. Should be. Except the Saints had two timeouts left and the Vikings stupidly decided to run a few plays, as opposed to a few quarterback sneaks or extended kneel-downs to drain the clock.

Which was great news for Sean Payton, because all he had to do was instruct his team to lay down and allow Adrian Peterson (or whoever) to score an easy six-pointer so they could get the ball back and leave Drew Brees with as much time and as many timeouts as possible. It was that simple, and it presented the Saints with their only realistic chance of winning. Somehow, they opted against that plan. More than likely, the thought never crossed Sean Payton's mind...nor did it cross the minds of the MNF booth - which makes perfect sense considering they supposedly possess intelligent football minds. Whatever.

(CORRECTION: Apparently Tirico did bring this up, but Jaworski and Kornheiser weren't in obvious agreement. Either way, Payton's a moron.)

The aftermath...

The Saints held Peterson to minimal gains on first and second down, and burned their precious timeouts in the process. Third down witnessed a similar result and now the Vikings were lining up for a go-ahead FG with 0:15 on the clock. Ball game. Vikings 30, Saints 27.

Am I the only one outraged by this?

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/7/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Nineteen (Faith Remains Strong)

For those of you scoring at home...

The Vickers System took a bit of a hit this weekend, and our record now stands at 25-18. Regardless, we're keeping the faith and whatnot. Also, we want to kill ourselves.

Because, as shitty as Purdue is, they scored a late touchdown against Penn State to close the gap to fourteen - our money was on the Boilers getting 13.5 points. All we needed was the goddamn extra point. Shank. Wide left. Loss. Me hate my life. This was the same terrible kicker who missed two easy field goals earlier in the contest - and Lord Vickers would've absolved all of it had he just kicked an oblong ball through the uprights from approximately nineteen yards away. Whatever. Asshole.

Speaking of people I hate...

As Arkansas had all but locked up a cover (we had them getting 24.5), Urban Meyer had his Gators running hurry-up offense with a 24-point advantage. Sure enough, with one minute remaining, Jeffrey Demps, one of Florida's regulars, took one 48 yards for a miracle cover.

Trust me, for a man who has bet on thousands of sporting events over the last decade, I can safely say that both of these losses crack my top twenty list of heartbreaking defeats.

(Which explains why I posted a picture of Urban Meyer's daughter, the brunette, at the top of this post. I would've posted a picture of Purdue's kicker's girlfriend, but there's no way that idiot has ever seen a naked girl in his life.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/5/08

George Brett Forces Me To Be An Unoriginal Blogger

This is something I hesitate to post - as I'm sure every blog on the planet has already beat me to the slap. But anyway, of all the white, Hall-of-Fame third basemen who I suspect have gone to the bathroom on themselves on more than one occasion, George Brett was always at the top of the list. This wonderful video confirms my suspicions:

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/5/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Eighteen (NFL Sunday - UPDATE)

I'm hungover. I'm hungry. I'm not attracted to Cris Carter. I'm betting on Joe Flacco for the umpteenth straight week. I'm betting on Jon Kitna against the Bears. I'm betting on Brian Griese in Denver. I am not happy (unhappy) about my life. That sums up my thoughts at 12:12 p.m. EST.

At some point today I will explain why Purdue's kicker and Urban Meyer would be wise to stay away from southwest Ohio for the next thirty years or so.

The Vickers picks...

Ravens (+2) vs. Titans

Bucs (+4) at Broncos

Lions (+3.5) vs. Bears

UPDATE: Jaguars (-5) vs. Steelers

Season record: 24-15-1

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/5/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Seventeen (Run-On Sentence Edition)

Brian Hartline has a brother named Mike. Brian Hartline has a brother named Mike who plays college football. Brian Hartline has a brother named Mike who plays college football in Lexington, Kentucky. Brian Hartline has a brother named Mike who plays college football in Lexington, Kentucky, where he's the lousy quarterback of the local team. Brian Hartline has a brother named Mike who plays college football in Lexington, Kentucky, where he's the lousy quarterback of the local team, and he happens to be leading them into battle at the lion's den otherwise known as Bryant-Denny Stadium, which is where the AP's No. 2 ranked team, the Alabama Crimson Tide, play home football games every fall.

Of course, Craig and I are backing the fighting Hartlines.

Vickers selection: Kentucky (+15) at Alabama.

(Silver lining department: Oklahoma is leading Baylor 28-0 late in the first quarter, and the Vickers System will undoubtedly take another loss. But Craig forgot to place the bet. So we have that going for us...which is nice.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/4/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Sixteen (College Picks Only)

Marshall (+3.5) vs. Cincinnati

Explanation: I know UC is down to their 3rd QB, but they still have talented wideouts, a solid defense and a great coach. Plus, have you seen Marshall? They're awful. Not only are they being coached by the overmatched Mark Snyder, but they have very little talent on either side of the ball. The Vickers System applied to them once already this year (the 51-14 abortion vs. Wisconsin) and unfortunately we have to take them again.

Vandy (+4) vs. Auburn

Explanation: If you're think Vandy might be decent, ask yourself one question: Man for man, which team is more talented? Auburn, right? And it ain't even close. Never in my life has Vegas ever given Vandy so much respect. So Auburn struggled with Tennessee last week...so what? They still won. And they had LSU beaten just two weeks ago before a late collapse. The Tigers might have a dull offense, and once again shaky QB play, but I see them as a pretty good team - definitely four points better than Lionel Richie's Commodores. Anyway, the line is small for a reason...Vegas is telling us to take Vandy.

Stanford (+7.5) at Notre Dame

Explanation: You know the Irish might be kind of decent, right? They got their act together against Michigan and walked all over Purdue. Jimmy Clausen is playing well and their young wideouts are starting to make plays. As much as I hate to say it, Notre Dame looks like a 9-win team to me. So why are they favored by only a touchdown at home to Stanford, who got pummeled in two road games against teams with comparable talent (TCU, 31-14; Arizona State, 41-17)? If the line here was 10.5 I'd barely notice. But 7...I have to take the almighty Cardinal.

Arkansas (+24.5) at Florida

Explanation: This is one of the two bets I really feel like we have no chance of winning. Craig and I wagered on Arkansas when they got steamrolled by Alabama, and we expect the exact same this week against the almighty Tebow. In case you missed it: Tim Tebow is coming off a loss to Old Mississippi and now he's taking on Arkansas, quite possibly the crappiest BCS team in the land. So tell me...why aren't the Gators a 33-point favorite? I can't believe I have to back the miserable Hogs again.

Baylor (+26) vs. Oklahoma

Explanation: This is the other bet I give us very little chance of winning. Oklahoma is four touchdowns better than most teams, and about seven touchdowns better than Baylor. Even if the Baylor Bears somehow manage to put up 21 points, I don't see how they hold Oklahoma to less than 50. The Sooners are a well-oiled machine and I'm expecting another blowout...which--of course--explains why I'm placing my hard-earned American money on freaking Baylor.

Purdue (+13.5) vs. Penn State

Penn State is really good; Purdue looks like they won't even be able to send Joe Tiller off with a lousy bowl game. What else needs to be said? Anyway, when Vegas throws you a 13.5 point-spread, they're begging you to take the favorite - maybe not as much as a 2.5-point or 6.5-point favorite, but you get the idea. Trust me, Vegas wants you take Penn State. And as much as we'd like to, and as much as we think it's the correct play, Craig and I are going the other way. Go Boilers!

(Note: Craig's on the fence with Kentucky and I think the Brian Vickers System applies and then some. The Kentucky-Bama game starts at 3:30, so I'll let you know well in advance if we decide to add it to our list.)

Season record: 21-11-1

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/3/08

Two Guys Making Fun Of Alan Cutler

Craig and I got to know Alan Cutler pretty well after years of working with him, and we love swapping stories about the guy. For a little taste, you can listen to two guys making fun of alan cutler, a short podcast about the untalented goof.

If you're craving more Cutler, don't forget to read this and visit alancutler.com.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/3/08

kjdsfkjsdnfkjsdnfkdsnflknsdslkfnsdlk sandwich

I don't necessarily consider Rob Neyer to be overly edgy, but he's more than willing make an enemy if it means getting to thoroughly express his opinion. Well, Neyer did a lot of that during a two-day stretch at the end of September. Take a look at the four quotes I posted below and maybe then you'll understand why I think he's so great.

On the Diamondbacks offense being the reason for their disappointing season:

"Which leaves only the hitting. And oddly so, because when you look at the
Diamondbacks' lineup, it's hard to find even one obvious scapegoat. Once Eric
Byrnes went down for the season with a left hamstring injury, there weren't any
bad hitters in the lineup..."

(Note: That quote might not seem like a big deal, but I enjoy any time when someone points out the obvious flaws of Eric Byrnes. Byrnes is the fan-friendly, media-friendly, glorified Ryan Freel who gets way more credit than he deserves. So what if he drove in 83 runs last year, and signed a big contract in the offseason...he's never been anything more than an average offensive player.)

On the growing resentment of Ichiro from the Mariners' clubhouse:

This year Ichiro's not even the best player on a 100-loss team, but he's making
far more money ($17 million) than any of his teammates and his contract runs as
far as the mind can see (2012). Of course his teammates resent him. He's not
playing well (for him), he's making the most money, and he's not one of the
guys; he's not one of the white guys, or one of the black guys, or one of the
Latino guys..."

(Note: Can you believe this was posted on a Disney-owned website?)

On Tony La Russa penciling in bizarre lineups down the stretch:

"But this is what La Russa does. He's always been infatuated with players who
can play (or seem to play) five or six positions. My guess is that he's trying
to figure out if Miles or Kennedy or Lopez can play a super-utility role next
season. If La Russa's trying to send a message, it's this: "I'm smarter than
you.""

(Note: It's always fun to point out how unlikable Tony La Russa must be.)

On retiring reliever and popular blogger Todd Jones, and why he won't be interesting in his post-baseball career:

"Unless Jones remains in baseball somehow, I'm not sure how interesting his
column will be. Jones always has written from the perspective of the white,
American-born, veteran player, and I've always gotten the impression that he's
sort of the archetype: spends his offseasons hunting and fishing, loves the
American flag, doesn't really want to know whether he has any gay teammates..."

(Again, can you believe this was posted on a Disney-owned website?)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/2/08

Andy Dufresne Didn't Know Nothing About Hope

My potential for happiness took a significant hit the day Nick Van Exel retired. That happened in the summer of 2006 and my outlook has redefined bleak ever since. That attitude continued until a few minutes ago, when something I read on Mark Curnutte's blog offered me hope for the future.

These words actually came out of Chad Johnson's mouth:

"Think about this: You remember our '05 season, right? ... Our '05 season is the
year everybody went to jail and got arrested. That year everybody got in
trouble. So maybe the bad (was) a good thing: It sounds dumb to say, but look at
it. We have cleaned house and nobody is getting in trouble anymore, no DUIs, no
arrests, now we're getting our (butt) whooped. Maybe I don't know - maybe I
should go out, have a drink, get in trouble. I don't know what it is. Our '05
was one of the best years here in history. It was one of those years where there
(were) a lot of distractions."

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/2/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Fifteen (Two Straight Thursdays?)

Utah is a pretty good football team, which explains why I placed money on them going undefeated at 40/1 odds. But they're not great - not by any stretch. They didn't bury a lousy Michigan team, and they needed a late score to finish off the Fighting Falcons of Air Force. When they played I-AA Weber State (alma mater of the legendary Harold "The Show" Arceneaux), the final was 37-21.

As for Oregon State, I'm not really sure. They might be pretty decent, they might stink. More than likely the Beavers will finish the year playing in a forgettable bowl game in the middle of December. Regardless, they pounded USC last Thursday on national television. They ran the ball right down USC's throat with stud freshman Jacquizz Rodgers and--aside from the first few possessions of the third quarter--didn't really panic. They were really impressive, and if I'm an Oregon State fan, I'm excited about the future.

Tonight the Beavers visit Utah, and the line shouldn't be much higher than seven points. At 11.5, it is. One week after man-handling USC they're getting 11.5 points from a team who doesn't exactly get the betting public hot 'n' steamy. Why? I doesn't know, and I think the line is too high, but that's precisely the reason Craig and I are laying the points.

Thursday Vickers selection: Utah (-11.5) vs. Oregon State.

Season record: 21-10-1

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/2/08

Will Terrelle Pryor Change OSU's Perception Problem?

If you're anything like me, you cringed with every preseason Terrelle Pryor/Vince Young comparison. For one, regardless of what the scouting wizards were telling us, it wasn't a given that Pryor was physically as gifted as Young. More importantly, Young was the best player on a national championship team, and placing that on an 18-year-old's shoulders is nothing short of lunacy.

As it turns out, Pryor is the spittin' image of Young. From the unrefined throwing motion to the graceful strides past hopeless DBs, the on-field similarities are striking. Actually, Pryor the true freshman is light years ahead of Young the redshirt freshman in the passing department. But anyway, that's not really the point here.

The funny thing about the Terrelle Pryor/Vince Young comparison is that it has potential to go far beyond their identical athletic ability.

Fair or unfair - and let's face it, it's more fair than we'd like to admit - Ohio State is dealing with a perception issue that was unfathomable as recently as November, 2006. Too soft, too slow, can't win the big one, blah, blah, blah. We've been bombarded by them and they're not going away any time soon. Unless, of course, Terrelle Pryor does for Ohio State what Vince Young did for Texas.

You might forget this now, but the Texas Longhorns were something of a joke for the first four years years of the 21st century. Mack Brown routinely dominated the recruiting game by scooping up the likes of Chris Simms, Roy Williams, Derrick Johnson, Nathan Vasher, etc., but the results never matched the talent. Oklahoma embarrassed them every year (including a 63-14 drubbing) and it seemed like Texas would never get over the hump. Nobody folded like the 'Horns on the national stage, and everybody assumed it would be that way for the rest of eternity (or at least as long as Mack Brown was the coach).

Enter Vince Young.

By the time Texas hit full stride during the 2005 season, you rarely heard mentions of choking. Vince Young, almost single-handedly, washed all of that away with his dynamic play and A+ charisma. When they went into big games, nobody expected a four-interception meltdown (ala Chris Simms); they expected--and received--a show out of the game's best duel-threat quarterback.

Terrelle Pryor is capable of having precisely the same effect. And again, this isn't about his remarkable skill set, as Pryor will win plenty of games on athleticism alone. This is about forcing your personality on teammates, both young and old, and expecting them to play their absolute best. The trick, however, is having the personality to demand such things out of your comrades - simply being a brilliant athlete won't be enough to clean up the mini-mess in Columbus right now. Is Pryor the right man for this task? It might be the end of the decade before we're given a definitive answer, but I don't see an ounce of false bravado in Pryor, and it's looking more and more that we'll forget "USC 35, OSU 3" sooner than we ever imagined.

One other thing: Maybe I over-analyze the Buckeyes too much, but I look at the picture above, with Pryor pumping up the veteran-laden defense, and I can't help but think that Todd Boeckman - a 24-year-old sixth-year senior - would never even try such a thing. You either have it or you don't.

It's safe to say I'm excited for the Terrelle Pryor era.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/1/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Fourteen (Are You A Believer?)

"Yoga changes your life."

How many times have you heard some idiot say that? About a million, right? Or maybe none, but it certainly seems like something a yoga freak would say. Regardless, I'm guessing yoga does change your life for the better, although the one person I (kind of) know who does yoga is a mean-faced redhead lady who drives a 20-year-old minivan - so draw your own conclusions. Anyway, yoga seems to have a profound effect on the mental health of all the weirdos who give it a try. And I bring this up because I'm not exactly the poster boy for mental health.

Until now.

I've found my yoga, and it's called the Brian Vickers System. It would be impossible to express how much I'm not joking. Plain and simple: The Vickers System has changed my life. Craig and I are 21-10-1 against the spread, and I have no reason to believe we won't continue on a similar pace for the rest of our lives.

Chew on this: We fearlessly wagered on Buffalo, Akron and Duke (among others) on Saturday...and they all covered. Buffalo, Akron and Duke! We also bet against the Mighty Trojans of USC, not to mention Joe Flacco's Ravens (for the second straight week) and Kyle Orton's Bears. We won 'em all. If you told any one of my previous nine bookies such nonsense, he would punch you in the nose for wasting his time with ridiculous lies. Again, I'm not joking.

And listen, it would be one thing if we were simply giving out random picks with nothing but pride at stake, but that ain't the case - Craig and I are winning buckets full (that's figuratively, Jeff Brantley) of American currency each week and threatening to bring down www.BetUs.com (an Internet website) in the process.

Fact: Winning money is decidedly better than terrible.

Also, in case you were wondering how Craig and I determine our picks for the week...

It doesn't take long, honestly. We check the point-spreads separately on Monday morning, one of us calls the other from his cellular device, and we see how many matches we have. I usually see about ten or twelve games where the Vickers System applies, while Craig is typically sitting on six or seven. Without fail, we have a bunch of matches. We cross a few out, and maybe add one that didn't immediately catch our eye, but our initial list determines where our money goes (despite mid-week line changes that suggest our impending wager is probably stupid). That's about it for our Monday morning conversations. We spend a few minutes finalizing things and the rest is spent saying things like, "I know Buffalo has no chance of keeping it within 50 points on Missouri, but we have to take 'em."

God Bless the Brian Vickers System.

God Bless Brian Vickers (pictured above, or so says Google. I wouldn't know).

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/30/08

Paul Newman Dead; Me Not Care.

Paul Newman died over the weekend, and it didn't faze me (I was unfazed). I haven't seen enough of his movies and didn't drink enough of his Thousand Island to care. Plus, the dude was old. That pretty much explains my indifference. But my parents? It affected them - it made them feel old.

Whatever. I feel old. Me! Arthritis and everything.

Jason Williams, aka "White Chocolate," retired over the weekend, and it makes me feel like stocking up on stool softener and Metamucil. Wait, maybe Metamucil is stool softener - I honestly don't know. But I suspect it's the type of thing I'll need to know since I'm officially an old person. Anyway, Jason Williams retired, and I'm finding it hard to believe.

Was 1998 that long ago? Because that's when Jason Williams took the league by storm for a minute. And as crazy as the last sentence seems, he did take the league by storm. Perhaps you remember...

You also might remember what might be the second greatest sports commercial of all time (I'll reveal the greatest sports commercial at a later date)...

"Beats all you never saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born." Credit goes to Nike for perfectly summing up the 1998 versions of high school teammates Randy Moss and Jason Williams.

One final note about Williams. I checked his Wikipedia page and found a humorous nugget:

'Williams is often called "White Chocolate" because he talks with an urban accent and the fact that he is often associated with a Black street-rooted style of basketball, despite being white.'

Wigger. The word is wigger.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/29/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Thirteen (Paterno Old; Palmer Out)

1. I want to die. We came within two points of an undefeated day yesterday and I want to die. Two points, I might add, that would have been easily attainable had Joe Paterno not coached like it was 1962. Not only did he unsuccessfully order up a halfback dive (with a 175 lb. halfback) on 4th & 1 deep inside Illinois territory, but twice he decided to pooch punt from field goal formation. And let's not forget--and this isn't necessarily Paterno's fault, but it's fun to blame stuff on old people--Penn State ran out the clock at the Illinois 25 yard line.

2. Carson Palmer is out. The Vickers System no longer applies to the Bengals, which leaves Tampa, Chicago and Baltimore as our only picks today.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/28/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Twelve (Follow Us To Freedom)

"Deliver us from evil." I seem to recall hearing those words several thousand times in my youth. Well...

14 wins, 9 losses, 1 tie.

That's what our religion has delivered us. I've seen the horrors of gambling, and they ain't pretty. I tried everything you could imagine to either (a.) quit, or (b.) get things under control. No dice. Nicotine patch is to smokers what two-team teasers are to degenerate gamblers. Anyway, it might be contextually humorous to consider Brian Vickers a goddamn genius, or it might simply be true. Either way, we're beating Vegas, and I'm expecting more of the same. Don't be afraid to spread the Good Word of Mr. Vickers - we can use all the help you can offer. Remember, nobody knew what Scientology was fifteen years ago, but it forced Tom Cruise to jump on Oprah's couch, which ultimately made him more famous than playing topless volleyball against Val Kilmer ever could. Think about it...

Anyway, on to the picks:

NCAA

Duke (-7) vs. Virginia
Buffalo (+7.5) at Central Michigan
Akron (+10.5) vs. Cincinnati
Tennessee (+7.5) at Auburn
Penn State (-15.5) vs. Illinois

NFL

Bears (+3) vs. Eagles
Bengals (-3) vs. Browns
Bucs (-1) vs. Packers
Ravens (+5) at Steelers

I promised loyal reader Jason H. that I would explain the picks as opposed to simply posting them, but that'll have to wait a week. I'm a jerk. And a liar.

See you in church!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/26/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Eleven (Thursday Night Special)

At 13-9-1, it's safe to say the Brian Vickers System is, well, okay, it's not safe to say anything yet...but it is four games over .500, and I will quit my job(s) before Thanksgiving if it continues on the current pace. Anyway...

Win No. 14 comes tonight, but I don't see how.

The Vickers pick: Oregon State (+27.5) vs. the Mighty Trojans of Southern California.

(Note: BetUs.com might be the only gambling site currently offering this line - it appears the number everywhere else is in the 24.5-25.5 range. Either way, not my problem...)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/25/08

Carson Daly, Elephants, Golf (But Not Really)

Three things that don't even seem possible:

1. The Indianapolis Colts possessed the ball for fewer than four minutes in the second half of their last-second loss to the Jags. I have nothing to add to this.

2. Kansas City has started three QBs in the first three weeks of the season. This alone is not a big deal, as the Chiefs have lousy quarterbacks. What's amazing, though, is that this has happened three times in the modern era to start a season...and all three times those teams made the playoffs. You what that means, right? Buy stock in the Chiefs before lunch time.

3. Entering Wednesday's games, Ryan Howard (46 HR, 141 RBI) and Joey Votto (22 HR, 79 RBI) essentially have the same OPS+, with the surging MVP candidate holding a narrow 121-117 edge on the handsome Canuck. The lesson: RBI is an overrated statistic.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/25/08

Examining Jim Tressel's Approach To Big Games (Kinda)

Of everyone who covers the Buckeyes for a living, the Cleveland Plain Dealer's Doug Lesmerises is quite obviously the best of the lot. He puts more thought into his columns than his competition and finds a way to slide his opinion in without beating you over the head with it. And as far as I can tell, he never goes through the motions; he never mails it in. I'd never heard of the guy before February but he's made an impression on me in same way Rob Neyer did a few years ago - maybe not as strong, but still. I wouldn't expect Lesmerises to be on the beat for the rest of his adult life.

Anyway, I bring this up because Lesmerises wrote an interesting article about Jim Tressel on Friday, and I haven't had a chance to give it recognition or comment on it until right now. Here's his opening line: "What's more to blame for Ohio State's loss to USC - a talent deficit or the way that talent was deployed?"

It sets the table for Lesmerises, in so many words, suggesting that Pete Carroll might be a better big-game coach than Tressel because Carroll doesn't approach every week the same (1.e., Stanford week is a little different than Ohio State week.) Tressel, on the other hand, is legendarily even keel. But is that a detriment to the team? Quote:

"I think that helps you avoid upsets, but maybe it doesn't put you in the best frame of mind for the huge games. And if Pete Carroll is firing his guys up with tribal war chants before each game, or having more fun during practice, maybe that gets you ready for big wins but leaves you more susceptible to upsets.

Since 2005, in this little time period of OSU discontent, the Buckeyes have six losses, and only one of those teams - Illinois last year - finished its season with more than two losses. In that same span, USC has five losses and four of them came to teams that finished with four losses or more (though Oregon beat USC with Dennis Dixon last year when it looked like a national contender and then later collapsed after Dixon's injury). Remember that USC cost itself a spot in the national title game in 2006 with a terrible last-weekend loss to a UCLA team that finished 7-6; and fell short of the title game last year because of a loss to 41-point underdog Stanford, which finished 4-8."

Lesmerises even goes so far as to break down OSU and USC's losses since 2005:

USC losses since 2005

13-0 Texas (05)
10-4 Oregon State (06)
9-4 Oregon (07)
7-6 UCLA (06)
4-8 Stanford (07)

Ohio State losses since 2005

13-0 Texas (05)
2-0 USC (08)
13-1 Florida (06)
11-1 Penn State (05)
12-2 LSU (07)
9-4 Illinois (07)

While the evidence speaks pretty loudly, I would like to chime in and disagree a little with Lesmerises here. The 2005 home loss to Texas does not apply to this theory at all - and I will argue this to the death. The 2005 Texas Longhorns, in case you forgot, won the national title in the most exciting game of my 28 years on this planet. From the hype, to the level of play, to the highest of high drama...it's never been better.

But Texas didn't beat Ohio State that September night because they were more fired up, or had more talent. And it wasn't simply a matter of Texas having Vince Young on their side, either - it goes much deeper than that. Ohio State was the better team that night, and again, this is something I'll argue to the death. Sometimes the better team doesn't win, which was the case three years ago. It was a combination of bad luck (Hamby's dropped TD), bad timing (two weeks later and Troy Smith would've had the keys to the team on a full-time basis) and yes, a poor decision by Tressel (sending Justin Zwick out there in lieu of Troy Smith for the critical drive of the game).

It's sour grapes, for sure, and Texas was a great team, but it doesn't mean I'm wrong. Ohio State had six scoring drives that night--and missed a field goal--and came away with only 22 points. AJ Hawk and Co. dominated Vince Young from the end of the 1st quarter until the latter half of the 4th, but still came up short. OSU was handling Texas so easily during the majority of the game that I was compelled to call my friend Chris, who was on his honeymoon (and isn't even a Buckeyes fan), at halftime and left a voice mail: "Assuming Troy Smith gets his MoJo back, this is your 2005 national champion." That's how confident I was of the end result. The Buckeyes only led by three at half but it was clear who the better team was.

Sorry about the rambling...I do have a point that ties all of this together.

While I agree that Carroll's mentality in the weeks leading up to big games is the best recipe for success, it hasn't really been a major issue with Tressel until recently.

(Did Ohio State lose to Penn State in '05 because of Tressel's frighteningly calm demeanor - or did they face a really good Nittany Lion team before Troy Smith regained his stride?)

Not to throw salt on the Laurinaitis/Freeman/Jenkins/Boeckman/Boone/Robiskie group another time, but this particular group lacks the collective Eye of the Tiger that is mandatory for title teams in every sport.

So while Lesmerises makes interesting points--most of which I agree with--I'll let a few years pass before I rush to judgement on Jim Tressel in big games. And I'll spend my nights hoping Etienne Sabino, Brian Rolle and Jermale Hines get a chance to become Rob Kelly, Antoine Winfield and Mike Doss in the Psycho Department.

And of course, it would be nice if Terrelle Pryor became Vince Young.

(Two other things...

1. Doug Lesmerises is also funny, as this line illustrates: "I think you could ask some coaches "What's a bigger threat to the future of humanity - the erosion of morals and values in society, global warming or dragons?" and they'd say "A little bit of everything.""

2. I still think, at their peak, the 2005 Buckeyes--despite losing twice--were better than either the '98 or '02 squads.)

Agree? Disagree? Email me.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/24/08

Pop Culture Thoughts (And Cop Horses Are Stupid)

In case you missed it, the song that's sweeping the nation--Kid Rock's "All Summer Long"--includes the following line:

'And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things'

You read that correctly.

I'm hoping one day I can be as clever as Kid Rock was in the summer of 2008, when he rhymed "things" with "things" within a span of six words.

Another pop culture-related thought: I want David Blaine to die. Hell, maybe I need David Blaine to die. Don't get me wrong, he seems like an okay guy, but if he stopped breathing during one of those made-for-tv stunts where he hangs himself upside down in a block of ice, buried in a coffin on top of the Statue of Liberty...at least I'll know he wasn't full of shit.

And let's face it, anything less than televised death and Blaine's life is a complete and utter failure. (Note: The "complete and utter failure" thing doesn't take into account the millions of dollars in Blaine's savings account and/or the countless number of unprotected intercourse sessions he's had with 20-year-old underpants models.)

One other thing before moving to other things: If the rumors are true, that Dwight won't be on this season of The Office, well, that's it...I'm slicing my throat before breakfast.

Anyway, my computator is messed up again and the bastards at www.dell.com (an Internet website) are working hard to repair it and whatnot. This is bad news all the way around. This means that your pal Brad will have to use the Dad's computator whenever it's available. This means that I'll have to spend time at the parents' crib. This means that the Mom will make me blueberry muffins and chocolate cookie squares at an alarming rate, which is a plus. But it also means that I won't have as much time to work on the site. Which is probably an admission I shouldn't be making - and it might actually make me dumber than everyone who openly loves that Kid Rock song.

The point?

I doesn't really have one. But I did post three new podcasts, and they're all really funny. With use of the Nos. 1, 2 and especially 3, I will briefly write about each of them below.

1. the absurdity of online pornography should not, under any circumstances, be listened to at work. In fact, if NSFW is the equivalent to an R rating, then RNSFWUYBSHADMTTCSKPIBTS is like an NC-17. (And if you were wondering, RNSFWUYBSHADMTTCSKPIBTS stands for "Really Not Safe For Work Unless Your Boss Somehow Has A Dirtier Mouth Than The Character Sam Kinison Played In Back To School." But your kids are gonna love it!

2. the economy and the size of snickers bars notes how--now stay with me here--the economy is affecting the size of Snickers bars. In fact, I even drop the following line: "The economy, if anything, it's affecting the size of Snickers bars." I guess what I'm trying to say is that you won't be any smarter after listening to this podcast.

3. cops on horses equal stupid is something I'm extremely passionate about. First, why do they just trot down the middle of a downtown street at roughly 0.81 MPH while I'm trying to make the next light before it's been red for a full two seconds? Second, let's say I run that stoplight after it's been red for a full two seconds, well, what in the hell is a cop driving a horse going to do about it? One million people were polled and they all agree: Cops on cop horses are dumb.

Three podcasts! All awesome! Listen to them or I'll hit you in the face (or neck) with a hammer. One of the ones with claws on the back.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/23/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Ten (Words Inside Parentheses)

I had one goal as the week was coming to a close: Comment on the Ohio State quarterback situation. I didn't have time. Which sucks for you, as I'm sure you're just itching to read several hundred words about the great Antonio Henton.

Anyway, on to the weekend Vickers picks.


Saturday...

Miami (+11.5) at Cincinnati

Arkansas (+10) vs. Alabama

Michigan State (-8.5) vs. Notre Dame

Tennessee (+8.5) vs. Florida

Arizona State (+8) vs. Georgia, and I can't believe I'm writing this...

Buffalo (+35.5) at Missouri


Sunday...

Bengals (+13.5) at Giants

Ravens (-2) vs. Browns

Season record: 9-5-1

It's never too late to jump on the Vickers train.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/19/08

Hillbillies, Nerds and Insects (Podcast)

Four questions:

1. Does anything suck more than seeing a spider (or some sort of furry mini-creature) when you get up in the middle of the night to take a wiz?

1. Were you one of those kids who brought insects to school in pickle jars with holes poked in the lid?

1. Did you know snakes were invented to kill me?

1. Have you ever wondered how a grown man ends up in the creek?

Thems are the kind of things Craig and I discuss in our latest two-minute podcast, afraid of insects in the middle of the night. Two minutes!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/18/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Nine (Picture-Free Edition)

Thursday night Vickers pick:

Colorado (+3.5) vs. West Virginia

Season record: 8-5-1

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/18/08

Ohio State Football: Panic Mode?

I've never been so mad to be so right.

I've said this before, and in no way does this make me unique, but the primary reason I started blogging was so I could take my opinion public. Had I not been blogging last week, I still would have told my Buckeye people how something just wasn't right about the 2008 defense. They were lacking an edge, and it was shocking that seemingly nobody else made the same observation. Every time OSU came out flat, the offense--Todd Boeckman in particular--received the blame, and deservedly so. But, other than in this space, I don't recall anyone mentioning the businesslike approach of the defense, or how there wasn't a single head-smashing lunatic in the starting lineup. That stuff matters on the college level, just as we saw (or didn't see) on the national stage a few nights ago in Los Angeles.

Here's the telling (but not necessarily shocking) postgame quote from Alex Boone that illustrates the demeanor of this team (thanks to Ken Gordon of the Columbus Dispatch):

"When we walked in at halftime, nobody was saying anything," Boone said. "I mean, what the (heck), we're Ohio State -- we should be screaming and swearing and saying everything evil you can think of.

"And guys are hanging their heads, and you don't know what to say to them. You try screaming, and they just put their head down even more. We can't play like that, and if we play like that the rest of the season, we won't be anything."

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/16/08

Carson Palmer Isn't In Peyton Manning's League

Before explaining what should be obvious--the difference between Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning--let's take a stroll down Memory Lane...

How about this cover of an October, 2006 Sports Illustrated:



It feels like I'm looking at pictures of a family reunion from 1986. That picture was taken within the past 24 months - but it seems like eons ago. Here's a link to that now sickening article.

To take it back a few years, read this 2003 Bengals.com article about rising star--and fan favorite--Chad Johnson. Remember how optimistic we were as fans? Marvin Lewis and Carson Palmer had just arrived, and everything appeared to be moving in the right direction for the first time in over a decade.

Can you imagine reading an article today where the following lines are written:

"Chad is an exciting guy," Lewis said. "He wants to do it the right way. We want all our players to want to be here. To feel comfortable so they can be down here to learn, improve, get better and prosper as players."

--snip--

"I only want to think about football," Johnson said. "My first two years I didn't. I want to be up here by myself. Now I know what it takes. I want to be focused. I can't wait now. I want to start out just as fast When is the first pre-season game?"

What the hell happened?

One other thing: I also tried, unsuccessfully, to locate a KC Joyner (aka the Football Scientist) column or chat from 2006 (or maybe mid-'05) where he compared the 2005-and-beyond Bengals to the early-90's Cowboys. I don't know if Joyner is credible or not--although I do know he's a jerk--but I vividly recall him comparing the young and explosive talent of the Carson Palmer/Marvin Lewis Bengals to that of the '90-'91 Cowboys.

I just thought I'd remind you that it wasn't that long ago that the Bengals were not only relevant...they were good.


Okay, now the difference between Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning, two guys who were consistently lumped in the top three NFL quarterbacks (along with Tom Brady, of course) as recently as mid-'06 (and in many cases, preseason '07):

Did you watch the Colts-Vikings game Sunday? The Colts couldn't get anything going all day long, and with under two minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter, trailed Minnesota 15-0 on the strength of five Ryan Longwell field goals. Now, as I was watching this game (and pulling hard for the Vikings due to my futures bet), I never felt like the Colts couldn't--or wouldn't--come back and win the damn thing. Despite dealing with constant pressure from Minnesota's relentless pass rush, and despite the Colts being banged up everywhere (and without Pro
Bowl center Jeff Saturday), I still gave the Colts a chance. And so did you, probably.

Why? They had Peyton Manning. It didn't matter that they had no rushing game to speak of (Addai was shut down), or that the Vikings are a good football team with a great defense - and playing in Minneapolis. None of that mattered. Peyton Manning found a way when it mattered most - and that's a quality, much as I hate to admit, Carson Palmer simply doesn't possess.

But the point isn't that Manning actually won the game. In fact, I'd be writing the same thing had they lost (and besides, Manning isn't exactly the poster child for CLUTCH). The point is this: Regardless of the situation of any game involving the Colts, their fans will always believe they have a chance to win as long as they have No. 18 on their side.

If you find yourself disagreeing with this, let me ask you one question: When the Bengals closed the gap with Baltimore to 17-10 in week 1, was the feeling inside of you, we have a chance, we have Palmer? I find it hard to believe that you answered yes to this.

Which is sad. Because I can't think of a better way to define a franchise quarterback.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/16/08

Kenny George: Tall, Interesting, Topic Of Another Podcast

Sad but true: Kenny George may never play basketball again.

True and awesome: Craig and I are obsessed with George, and we recently discussed his money-making opportunities on a podcast.

Unnecessary use of a colon: This is the third time George has been the primary subject of a podcast, and I can tell you with absolute certainty, this one is in our top two!

Anyway, go listen to our latest podcast, kenny george needs a booth at the county fair, or else I will post naked pictures of Todd Coffey.

(By the way, there's a warrant out for my arrest in something called Versailles, Indiana, but I should be able to take care of that situation by noon. If that particular task is accomplished, I'll have an afternoon to (a.) break down the difference between Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning, (b.) complain about the quarterback position at Ohio State, (c.) bitch a little more about DeSean Jackson playing for a team other than the Bengals and (d.) shine some light on Kid Rock's rhyming abilities in his latest hit single. And if not, I'll be in jail.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/16/08

Gambling 2K8: Part Eight (Betting Against Philly?)

The Philadelphia Eagles are a good team - maybe even really good. Donovan McNabb is healthy and motivated. Brian Westbrook is great...and still somehow underrated. DeSean Jackson is the kind of dynamic gamebreaker the Bengals desperately need. Andy Reid is a good coach. Jim Johnson is a well-respected defensive coordinator. Do I need to go on? Philly is good. Maybe really good. And I really don't think they should be getting a touchdown tonight in Dallas.

Which means the Cowboys (-6.5) are the Vickers pick tonight.

The Brian Vickers System, by the way, is about two weeks away from (a.) Vegas taking notice, and (b.) A certain guy I call "me" quitting his job. Craig and I now have an 8-4-1 record when we obey the orders of our fearless leader, Mr. Brian G. Vickers.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/15/08

I'm Not Ready To Discuss Todd Boeckman (Or The Bengals)

I kept telling myself all day that I needed to update the site. The Buckeyes ruined my weekend and the Bengals, well, they didn't exactly make it worse, but they didn't give me a reason to be any less pessimistic than I have been. That being the case, I needed to update the site. But I didn't want to - still don't, actually. The last thing I want to do is write about Todd Boeckman or any other aspect of Saturday Night's Main Abortion featuring Ohio State and USC. I suppose I'll wait a day to really give my thoughts on all things Buckeye.

Regardless, I needed to update the site.

So you get a funny podcast, where you can here Craig and I discuss, among other things's:

1. My germaphobia being taken to new levels at my weekend job as a bar back at a popular downtown establishment.

2. Unprotected intercourse (a fun topic for the whole family).

3. Interracial porn.

4. Making out with AIDS patients!

5. Which blacks do racist whites hate the most?

And all of this in five minutes! Listen, you could spend three hours of your Monday morning listening to Alan Cutler, or you could spend five minutes with us. While neither will provide any information, our podcast, french kissing aids patients for cash, will at least be entertaining. Five minutes...that's it. Do the right thing.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/14/08

Ohio State Over USC...I Don't See It (UPDATE).

A few Ohio State thoughts before moving on to the NCAA Vickers picks...

I don't think Terrelle Pryor is ready for this. He isn't a threat in the passing game, and he's looked unsure of himself as a runner. Well, USC's defense flies to the ball and smacks indecisive runners in the mouth. This is a big leap from the bums he skipped past in Jeanette, Pa. - and while that is the most obvious observation one could make, it's still very true. Sure, he's been playing against OSU's defense every day in practice, but still, there is no way to recreate the atmosphere of Saturday night at the Coliseum. Maybe Pryor can rise to the occasion, and maybe Tressel will have him chucking the ball deep instead of handing off, taking off or throwing safe stuff underneath...but I just don't see it.

So if that's the gameplan with Pryor--to play it safe and throw underneath--I just don't see how it will work versus the Trojans; they're too fast, and he's still getting the feel of things. I hope I'm wrong, and I hope this is his first Buckeye moment, but I just don't see it.

Which stinks, because, as stated in this space a billion times, I have no faith in Todd Boeckman. I like to write how Todd Boeckman is terrible, but that's unfair. Mike Teel, Rutgers' QB, is terrible. Brandon Cox, the guy Auburn ran out there the last few seasons, is terrible. Todd Boeckman isn't terrible, but he's not good enough for Ohio State - at least not with the abundance of talent currently surrounding him. It's possible that OSU might win a title with Boeckman doing Boeckman things, but it certainly won't be easy.

Look, it's not just that he's a flawed passer or poor decision maker, it's that he seems to be absent in the charisma/moxie department. Craig Krenzel wasn't just an inaccurate thrower, he made some terrible decisions in key spots (endzone interceptions vs. Miami and Michigan). But he always found a way to come up big in the biggest spots (Purdue, obviously, and 4th & 14 to name two). He had it, whatever it is. With Boeckman, I just don't believe in him. I wish I did, and maybe he'll make a big play on Saturday, but I just don't see it.

So there you have it: I don't have faith in Ohio State's quarterbacks, and they're about to play one of the biggest regular season games in school history.

If the Bucks pull this one out, I believe it will be a classic Tressel game...stout defense, sound in the kicking game, etc. Maybe I'm overrating USC, and hopefully a star emerges for OSU (Hines, Herron, Pryor, whoever), but again, I don't see it. Not without Chris Wells.

Final score: USC 24, OSU 9.

(And by the way, yes, I'll convince myself the Buckeyes will win come 7:59 tomorrow night. And it wouldn't be the upset of the millennium if they did.)


Quick Vickers picks with no explanation because I'm running late:

South Florida (-3) vs. Kansas

BYU (-7) at UCLA

USC (-12) vs. Ohio State

(UPDATE: NC State (+21) at Clemson is also a Vickers pick.)

As for non-Vickers selections, Oregon (-9.5) and Penn State (-28.5) will roll this weekend.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/12/08

Something Doesn't Feel Right About Ohio State

Toe injury or not, something is wrong with these Buckeyes. Playing conservatively or not, something is wrong with these Buckeyes. Of course, one great moment in the Coliseum can change everything. But...that one great moment won't come easily, because something is definitely wrong with these Buckeyes.

But what is it?

I've been asking myself that question every seventeen minutes since the 26-14 snoozer over the Bobcats, and here's what I've come up with: The 2008 Buckeyes remind me of the 2003 Buckeyes. You remember the year 2003, right? I certainly do. Christina Aguilera was redefining whore by the video, Adrian Karsten was still breathing and Jim Tressel coached a team within a Michigan win of playing for their second consecutive BCS Championship.

That particular team played the season without its best offensive player, world class knucklehead Maurice Clarett, and never really got into a groove. At least not offensively. Michael Jenkins was good, but he wasn't a gambreaker. Drew Carter finally stepped up in his eighth year of eligibility before going down with another injury. Santonio Holmes proved to be a keeper, but he was just a redshirt freshman. The line was remarkably average (Mangold was still just a sophomore) and the running game was abysmal (Brandon Joe was the best of the lot). And of course, there was Craig Krenzel, who wasn't exactly the most accurate passer of my lifetime.

A lot of comparisons can be made between the offense of '03 and the offense of '08 - with the edge in talent and depth (even with Chris Wells out of the equation) going to today's team. The big difference, obviously, is that Krenzel was someone you could somewhat trust, even though he seemed to enjoy scaring the hell out of us. Todd Boeckman absolutely scares the hell out of us, but he can't be trusted at all.

As for comparing the defensive units, both teams were loaded. Will Smith, Chris Gamble and a young AJ Hawk in '03...James Laurinaitis, Malcolm Jenkins, Marcus Freeman, Lawrence Wilson, etc., etc., in '08. Again, both teams were oozing with talent, but the overall edge goes to the Laurinaitis-led group.

You know what, though? I'd swap the '08 defense for the '03 defense in a heartbeat. They had an edge to them. They were nasty. Will Smith may have been stupid for roughing San Diego State's QB over and over again, but at least he was fired up. Robert Reynolds may have been dirty for choking out Jim Sorgi, but nobody would ever question his passion.

And that, more than anything except for Boeckman, is the problem with these Buckeyes - the attitude. Don't get me wrong, I'm not questioning the desire of any one individual on the roster - far from it. But I do see an approach that is a little too businesslike for my taste. I mean, it's college...so where's the emotion? Where's the swagger? You're defense is great, dammit, and you should be proud to show it off. Tackling someone behind the line of scrimmage is actually a reason to celebrate. And believe me, I understand games 1 and 2 came against the Pengs and Bobs, but whatever happened to burying an opponent from the first snap? When did that cease being fun?

I have no idea what's going to happen Saturday night, but I'd feel a lot better about OSU's chances if James Laurinaitis showed the same emotion as Rey Maualuga.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/11/08 (the 7th anniversary of Mom telling me to hide in the closet)

Ape Attacks And Escaping The Grasp Of The Law

You saw the story of the ape attacking a civilian in the parking lot of the Cincinnati Zoo, right? Well, did you see what the guy received for being chewed on by a wild animal in an environment he was supposed to be safe? If not, you might want to sit down. Here goes: A guy who was beaten up by an ape at the freaking zoo was given a free one day pass - that's it. Without giving anything away, Craig and I discuss--among other things--how we would've handled the situation of Man vs. Ape, on our podcast, ape attacks will always be funny.

Other stuffs heard on the podcast:

1. The tail end of a story I told Craig about getting pulled over for speeding three times in six days...and being smooth enough to get out of all of them (and no, I won't publicly reveal my method of sweet-talk). Anyway, I didn't use the whole thing (or any of it, really) on the podcast because it was dragging along and the story wasn't nearly as interesting on the air as it was in my head - even though I was frisked and given a breathalyzer by some hardass cops in Versailles, Indiana. But, I still got out of all three, and there's no way something of that magnitude will ever go unmentioned. It's a watershed moment, as far as I'm concerned. Anyone have similar experiences getting out of tickets? Email me your story and maybe I'll reveal my secrets.

2. Also, you can find out one of the few things that truly make me feel like a boy of semi-high intelligence. (I'll give you a hint: It involves mid-90's tight ends.)

That's all for now, boys and girls. I'd like to unleash my Ohio State-USC thoughts before sundown (Chris Wells' status is now doubtful, which may actually be a good thing), and of course, week three NCAA Vickers picks (our record stands at 5-4, which is more than respectable). Stay tuned. I'm hopped up on Adderall and Welch's white grape peach juice (a delightful treat), so this could make for a productive three hours or so.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/11/08 (the 7th anniversary of when Mom told me to get Dad's shotgun, just in case)

This Just In: Carson Palmer Headlining 2008 Backpedalpalooza!

I caught a bunch of negative email when I suggested that Carson Palmer doesn't receive the blame he deserves for the train wreck that is the Cincinnati Bengals. Then Baltimore happened, and I was validated, unfortunately. Or so I thought. After the Ravens game I received antagonizing email that shared a basic theme: "You see, it's not Palmer's fault - his line is garbage."

Which kind of makes my point. The Bengals' offensive line is garbage, but what about finding a way to make a momentum-swinging play when given the opportunity? And believe me, even if it didn't seem like it, there were opportunities.

Palmer spent the majority of the game backpedaling, which is understandable - after all, large mammals were chasing after him with hopes of wrestling him to Earth and/or injuring his spleen. But the spleen injury attempts didn't happen on every pass play, and if you disagree with me, you and I didn't watch the same game. I remember at least three times where Palmer dropped back to throw, had solid pass protection, and did one of two things:

1. Backpedaled for no reason and heaved an inaccurate duck over a somewhat open receiver, or...

2. Left the pocket before it broke down.

Again, my favorite Bengal did these things, and looked like a starry-eyed rookie in the process. And no matter how you spin it, there's simply no excuse for reacting this way. Sure, I get that Baltimore gave Palmer no time to breathe for the great majority of the game, and that he came to expect the heat, but shouldn't a (supposedly) great QB not worry about this kind of stuff? Shouldn't a (supposedly) great QB be able recognize when he's actually receiving solid protection? I mean, let's just say Palmer hurried his throw or prematurely escaped the pocket a total of three times...well, shouldn't a (supposedly) great QB have been able to make the most of those moments? I say yes. Carpe diem, yo!

Plain and simple: Palmer panicked on more than one occasion against Baltimore, where one big play meant the difference between losing and overtime. Call me stupid, but I'm guessing it's a bad sign when the 28-year-old, $100 million face of the franchise is visibly rattled by an above average pass rush.

Two years ago I thought Carson Palmer was the next Dan Marino. Ten months ago I regrettably drew comparisons between Palmer and Drew Bledsoe, which may end up being unfair to Bledsoe. Let's just hope I don't get a strong Daunte Culpepper vibe eight weeks from now?

Anyway, what the hell happened to this guy? And do you have faith he'll ever return to the heights of 2005?

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/11/08 (the 7th anniversary of when Mom had me stop, drop and rolling because terrorists were attacking Ohio)