If you listened to Brad and Wess' most recent podcast, you would know that these two attempted to discuss the Cincinnati Reds. Unfortunately (depending on your perspective), they ended up discussing which underage girls they think are hot. We found out that Florida's Urban Meyer has a 17 year old daughter that Wess finds attractive, and that Brad has completely lost his mind. He compared FOURTEEN YEAR OLD Miley Cyrus to LEBRON JAMES as a high schooler!!! Obviously, this was in poor taste and I apologize for him. In the future, if any TWIN KILLING contributor ridiculously compares the greatest High School hoops player of all time to a fourteen year old girl, I promise she will be better looking than Hannah Montana.
Anyway, this weekend it was brought to my attention that Vladimir Nabokov and Kip Winger are not the only people who have ever thought about girls below the age of consent. I was questioned by both men and women concerning Brad's choice in schoolgirls, and I found it hilarious that EVERYONE could immediately name at least one teenager that they thought was other-worldly hot. Some of those mentioned have become A-listers, some have become trainwrecks and some have been all but forgotten. So here they are. Without further ado, I present the first ballot Jailbait Hall of Famers:
Remember boys and girls, it's okay to joke around and make lists. It's not okay if you go R. Kelly and start videotaping yourself peeing on teenagers.
ANNA KOURNIKOVA
Kournikova is the gold standard when it comes to the illegal. She was a world class athlete and model who looked as good on the court as she did in print. Combine that with the Russian accent and the world never stood a chance. Even though she never won a major singles championship, she has earned tens of millions in endorsement dollars, and recently inked a deal with K-Swiss even though she hasn't been on the WTA tour since 2003. Every attractive young female athlete who comes along is referred to as the "next Kournikova" to this day, much in the way the next big hoops star is billed as the "next Jordan."
Anna was so goddamn hot that Pavel Bure and Sergei Federov, two of the biggest stars in the NHL at the time were feuding over her while she was still underage. The then 28 year old Federov, a former NHL MVP who made a whopping $28 million in 97-98,(while Anna was 16) left himself open to public scrutiny by sitting with her family at her tennis matches. Think for a second about how insane that is. That would be like Kevin Garnett being romantically linked to pop singer JoJo but STILL showing up at her concerts with her mom anyway.
JESSICA BIEL
Jessica Biel is a true A-Lister. She has the Rock Star boyfriend, played the female lead in last weekend's #1 movie in America and she's on the cover of every tabloid mag under the sun. All of her current success makes it easy to forget the first time someone called you and asked "Do you know how old Mary Camden on Seventh Heaven is?" She's the reason that show ever took off, or that anyone that isn't my mom ever saw it. Thank god that show succeeded, because if it hadn't she wouldn't have felt the need to shed her good girl image by posing for this racy GEAR MAGAZINE photo spread in 2000.
JESSICA ALBA
Like Jessica Biel, she has parlayed her good looks into current A-List status. Unfortunately for her (and fortunately for us) she doesn't bring very much else to the table. Since parading around in her undies in IDLE HANDS at age 17, she's pretty much been typecast as the hot girl wearing little clothing. (i.e. HONEY, INTO THE BLUE and SIN CITY.) Since I don't see any statues in her future, she will likely bare it all in a few years when she has no where else to go with her career.
BROOKE SHIELDS
If Kournikova is the gold standard, Brooke Shields is the true pioneer. As if THE BLUE LAGOON wasn't enough, the 1980 Calvin Klein ads she starred in as as 16 year old would be pushing the envelope even today. (They contained the tag line "Nothing comes between Me and my Calvins." They were implying she wasn't wearing underwear, stupid.) For the record, every single person referenced Brooke Shields when this conversation came up.
AALIYAH
People seem to forget that Aaliyah was hotter than heck before a 2001 plane crash left her dead as a doornail. She was playing up her sexy even when she first broke onto the scene, naming her debut album AGE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER. R. Kelly wrote and produced all but one song on the album, and the two were rumored to be secretly married. (a report both camps denied). However, In 1995 VIBE magazine published a copy of the couple's marriage licence which falsely listed Aaliyah as 18 years old. The marriage was annulled a few months later. Looking back, everyone should have known that this would be a harbinger of things to come for the creepy R. Kelly. Either way, the ONE IN A MILLION VIDEO (which was shot just before Aaliyah turned 18) still holds up after 10 years.
ALICIA SILVERSTONE
Every red blooded American male between the ages of 25-35 will always have a soft spot for Alicia Silverstone. When she burst on the scene in 1993 it never even occurred to me or any of my friends that she may not be in her 20's. When we found out that she was OUR AGE we were flabbergasted! In the three Aerosmith videos, she was way too in control and way too self assurred to be the same age as the girls we were trying to get naked. She also started the trend of piercing your belly button by doing so in the CRYIN' video. The Aerosmith videos Silverstone starred in were so hot that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler kick started his daughter Liv's acting career by pimping her out and casting her opposite Alicia in the video for the single Crazy.
TATYANA ALI
From 1990-1996, THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR was guaranteed to feature some fine women. Hillary was ALWAYS fine, and Will always had a revolving door of dime pieces that included a young Tyra Banks and Nia Long just to name a couple. It wasn't until the end of the series' run that you started to notice that little Ashley done grown up! It was no longer about the older sister or Will's honey du jour. Ash was the showstopper. Some sick weirdo took the time to edit together a few scenes that featured Ashley showing a little skin.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Britney Spears entire career is basically based on the fact that she was a sexy teenager. Much like a rookie Dwight Gooden, when she showed up on the scene she kicked in the door and forced everyone to take notice. Everyone always knew that she was a no talent (Mark Cittadino excluded), but who knew she was SUCH a redneck ass. It's crazy when you remember what she used to look like.
LINDSAY LOHAN
Lindsay Lohan used to be insanely hot. She also seemed like she would be fun to party with. Now she is just a dumb cokehead who blew her career up her nose. She is going to be someone's bitch in jail.
Well, there you have it boys and girls. The inaugural class of inductees into the TWINKILLING DOT COM JAILBAIT HALL OF FAME. I'm sure I left a few worthy candidates out but who gives a shit. However, I would like to apologize for omitting any past or present member of The Oakettes and many of the former employees of Gannett Tel-Sel from 97-01. I know Brad and Murphy both still wish they could play "What Would You Do For $100."
If you can think of any glaring omissions, let me know at Cam@twinkilling.com
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