Monday, June 9, 2008

How Much Do I Care About Griffey's 600th HR?

Fact: There is a better than decent chance I care more about sports statistics than you. (This goes for all humans not named Tim Kurkijan and Howie Schwab.) I'm not trying to brag--or diminish what you have going on--but it's almost certainly true. As much as you care about stats, I probably care more.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how sweet your baseball card looks at the end of the season.

So, armed with the information that (a.) Ken Griffey, Jr. jacked career dinger No. 600 tonight, and (b.) I care way too much about statistics, you would probably guess I'm about to put this monumental achievement in perspective, right?


Sort of.

As much as I was happy for Griffey, I didn't care about it nearly as much as...

Joey Votto booting a two-out, fifth inning grounder off the bat of Jeremy Hermida. I say "booting" because it was an error, no matter what the asshole (who is sometimes known as the official scorer) had to say. The ball, which was sharply hit, was headed straight for Votto's midsection. This is great news for every infielder on Planet Earth except, apparently, Votto. What Votto did was sidestep the ball and take a stab at the little white bastard with his Rawlings baseball glove. This is how David Booth tried to field the ball on my Knothole baseball team the day after he was hit in the mouth with a hard-hit grounder. That was acceptable behavior for a 10-year-old in 1990. It's not acceptable, however, when Edinson Volquez is trying to unseat Bob Gibson's astonishing 1.12 ERA from 1968 as the best in the modern era. (Volquez's ERA now stands at a disgusting 1.56)

The second the ball got past Votto, I knew it would be scored a hit. I screamed various four-letter words that presumably made my dead grandmothers upset. And more dead, somehow. Then George Grande opened his fat mouth and told me the play would be scored an error. It would be fair to say that I was elated upon hearing this news. Elation quickly turned to bitter hatred for Grande for misleading me.

Griffey's HR gave the Reds a 2-0 lead...nothing more, nothing less. Votto's matador defense ruined my night.

My grandmothers are really dead right now.

-Brad Spieser (