Sunday, February 24, 2008

There's Nothing Quite Like the YouTube Odyssey

YouTube is never about the desired find; it's about the journey it takes you on after said find. Sure, I'll always be happy when I locate a video of Nick Van Exel saving the Lakers' season in Game 5 of the 1995 Western Conference Semis at San Antonio, but...what comes next is where the fun truly begins.

God bless the Related Videos box.

Being that it's Oscar week, or perhaps more accurately, Oscar night, ABC is going out of their way to promote the thing. Being that I can't find the remote (read: still hungover), I'm forced to watch the show that came on after the Suns-Pistons Ass-rape. It had something to do with sports movies.

(Update: It's going on 8:00 pm and I still haven't found the remote. I'm now watching Babara Walters on a snowmobile with Harrison Ford!)

At some point during the sports movies show, Any Given Sunday was referenced, which reminded me that I've never seen Al Pacino's (supposedly) wonderful pre-game speech. Really, I can't tell you how many times I've had somebody tell me how great Al Pacino was in that particular scene. But anyway, since I had my computator nearby, I decided that this would be my opportunity to witness history...this would be the moment where Al Pacino made me forget about Norman Dale.

Eh...not so much.

Am I missing something here? What's so great about that speech? Should I have been inspired? And why would anyone ever watch a movie where LL Cool J dons sunglasses in the locker room? Could anything be more obnoxious?

Questions, man. Questions.

But, as previously stated, YouTube is all about the related videos, and the journey they take you on.

For instance, among the twenty or so related videos to the Pacino video was one titled "The Best Speech Ever Written." It appeared to be some nerd speaking at a high school graduation. I clicked, I was bored, I moved on. This is because I found a handful of videos claiming to be the "Best/Worst Best Man Speech Ever." I watched a few of these to see how my best man speech (from my brother's wedding) stacked up against the so-called "Best Ever." All bias aside (or maybe not), I thought mine was better. But who cares, right?

This is where the fun picked up...

After scrolling down the Related Video box I saw something that caught my eye: a video titled "Wedding Fight!!" Somehow I had never thought to search wedding fights on YouTube. This is because I'm a stupid person. I will never make that mistake again.

Here's the aforementioned "Wedding Fight!!" video. Pay attention to the :09 mark when the mustached kook throws a three-punch combo at his dancing partner.

My journey continued. I wanted to see more wedding fight videos, but that was up to the Related Videos box.

Up next: Probably the most intriguing title that's ever been given to anything. Ladies and gents, I present to you...


(Note: The Shawshank Redemption would still be No. 1 at the box office had it been titled LOTS OF BLACK GIRLS FIGHTING. That's a fact)

It was at this time I called Craig, who's working some bullshit construction job in Vermont at the moment. Our two minutes of dialogue may have changed the pop culture landscape forever.

I mentioned what I had discovered, and how taking a YouTube odyssey is about as much fun as a human can have, and his response was accurate: "It doesn't matter what you search,
Kenny George videos or whatever, you will always end up seeing girls in panties." After applauding his brilliance, a light bulb flicked on.

"This could be like that game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon," I told him. "Only this time the object of the game will be to see who can arrive at a 'girls in panties' video first. Like you could start with a 'trampoline injury' search and everybody could see who could find underwear in the fewest amount of moves."

This has potential, people. In fact, I'm going to be the first to play the game. Starting now.

I didn't know if the next video was going to lead me to girls in panties, but it had two things going for it: (1.) It was titled "Wild Black Girl Fight," and (2.) it was titled "Wild Black Girl Fight." I mean, seriously, how in the hell does one not click on such a thing?

As it turns out, the video wasn't so good, but it did lead me to another gem, at least in terms of title: "throw them hands up bitch."

(Note: This is only a so-so video, but it's better than nothing)

(The girl in pink has a lot of heart, don't she?)

Wait, I might be on to something. The Related Videos box reveals something titled "Black girls gone wild pt. 5," and it appears to be a couple of young women rolling around on the beach in, yep, you guessed it, swimsuits. And we all know swimsuits are the first cousin to underpants. Hooray for me! Hooray for my awesome new game! Let's check it out:

Okay, so the video sucked but it brought me one step closer to my goal. I had plenty of options but settled on "GiRL FiGHT," based on the tiny picture of scantily clad females running on the beach. The video sucked. I wasn't deterred.


Okay, I quit. It's not because I couldn't find girls in their underthings, it's because I need a bath after what I just witnessed. Without going into detail let me just say that if I ever have a daughter I'm jumping off the roof on her eleventh birthday.

That said, I'll give name recognition to the first person who can find girls in their panties after searching for "trampoline injuries."

I hope this was fun for you. Keep the change, you filthy animals.

-Brad Spieser (