Sunday, April 26, 2009

...And The Bengals Draft A Wonderful Person!

In the sixth round of this weekend's NFL draft the Cincinnati Bengals selected a mammal by the name of Bernard Scott. He plays the position of running back. And I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure you don't want him dating your daughter. This is mostly because he's *probably* a terrible person. Did that prevent the Bengals from picking him? No. No it didn't.

(Note: In this case, *probably* means 99.3 percent)

Let's count some red flags together...

1. Bernard Scott is currently 25-years-old.

2. He went to four different colleges -- Southeastern Oklahoma State, Central Arkansas (home of Scottie Pippen's handsome face), Blinn Junior College and Abilene Christian -- and never faced anything resembling stiff competition (however I don't have Blinn's 2006 schedule magnet anymore, so maybe I'm being unfair).

3. Dismissed from Central Arkansas for punching a coach! Which was really kind of a shocker, considering...

4. He was kicked off his high school team for an off-campus fight.

5. Arrested a total of five times, not including any crime he might commit between now and the time you finish this sentence.

6. Runs a 4.56 40-yard dash, which isn't pathetic, but it's nothing special for a 200-lb. guy who isn't known for his power.

Again: He's ancient for a rookie; he played for schools that Milford high school would routinely beat by more than six touchdowns; he loves punching people in the skull, including members of the coaching staff; his wrists are quite familiar with how it feels to be handcuffed; he's not particularly fast; his name is Bernard.

So what gives?

Unless Mike Brown craves negative press, my only conclusion is that Bernard Scott, warts and all, is one bad mother. And really, that's all I care about -- can the guy play? Which makes me no different than approximately 100 percent of Bengals fans on Earth.

Listen, as long as Bernard Scott isn't actively pursuing a situation where he can smack my mother in the face, I don't care what he's into at night. Sure, a choir boy would be nice, but only if he could pick up first downs with regularity.

1990 was a good year to be me. Not only did I consume Count Chocula every day, but I had a copy of the Vanna White Playboy under my bed. Nearly as important, the Bengals were somewhat decent. I was 10-years-old and my life had promise.

It would be fifteen years before the Bengals would attain similar levels of decency. But it didn't last long. They were really good in 2005, but dipped to mediocrity in '06. As for '07 and '08, they were somewhere between dreadful and something worse than dreadful.

Eloquently speaking, they sucked.

Until Sunday, 2005 seemed like a trillion years ago. But now I'm starting to remember it like it was last Tuesday. The Bengals had Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson and a dominant offensive line and blah, blah, blah. But they also had rookies Chris Henry and Odell Thurman, two freakishly talented humans who (a.) took the team to the next level and (b.) are candidates for the Worst Person of All Time trophy. Both Henry and Thurman were Grade A knuckleheads coming out of college, and both lived up to their reputation at the next level. But before they decided to get arrested every other week as members of the Bengals was the glorious 2005 season.

Look, the Bengals will more than likely be a lousy football team in each of the next forty seasons; that's just the way it goes here. Mike Brown, who'll undoubtedly live forever, will always have control over this joke of a franchise, and he always loses. The guy could screw up a junkyard. That being the case, you may as well join me as I embrace a return to the not-so-distant past, the one that was full of a few despicable people and -- for a brief, miraculous moment -- winning.

I vote YES on Bernard Scott!

Keep the change, you filthy animals.

-Brad Spieser (


Daniel Phillips said...

For the most part you are correct. It doesn't matter what a guy is into if he can play. With the Bengals though it's different. I would say that the Cowboys and the Bengals are in the same boat when it comes to character. If you keep getting guys that are nothing but trouble, it'll come back to get you. Honestly I don't know how Marvin Lewis is still the coach. I could also say the same about Wade Phillips, but at least Phillips has drafted well.