Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ruben Patterson Doesn't Tip (And I Gots Proof)

I am a bartender in downtown Cincinnati. I shouldn't have to explain why this makes me cool. But I will, briefly. Being a bartender in downtown Cincinnati makes me cool because it allows me the opportunity to occasionally ask Edinson Volquez how his elbow is doing. See what I mean? I'm a regular James Dean. Anyway...

A few Sundays ago Ruben Patterson (weighing a good 260) and his crew strolled into my bar, ordered Goose and Patron like the plane was going down, ran up a $209 bill...and tipped us Zero Dollars and Zero Cents.

Don't believe me? Okay, of course you believe me. Either way, see for yourself:

(Note: I didn't take the picture of Patterson's receipt, which explains why his signature isn't in the photo. (1.) If you really need me to, I can produce the copy with his signature. (2.) His middle name is Nathaniel, which is represented on the bill by the letter "N," just another way prove the legitimacy of this post. (3.) Why am I going out of my way to prove the legitimacy of something [i.e., being stiffed by a scumbag millionaire] everybody already believes?)

Funny thing is, this isn't half as bad as some of the horror stories to come out of my time as both a bartender and valet; this is just the only one I can proove. I'd love to tell the Shaun Alexander story, or the Dave Chappelle story, but -- without the evidence -- it wouldn't be worth it.

Can I get a Hooray for Ruben Patterson! Can I get a Hooray for
pleading guilty to attempted rape!


(For everyone who came hear because Mo linked to this story, thanks. But I'd prefer you check out the main page [ ] and listen to the occasionally offensive podcasts.)

-Brad Spieser (


keith said...

we need to hear the cheppele and Alexander stroy

Daniel Phillips said...

1. Patterson is an ass.

2. I wanna hear the Cheppele story

Anonymous said...

If you looked at my receipts for credit cards, you'd see zero for tips as well. However, I tip really really well. I just prefer to give them cash. Waiters appreciate it because they only have to claim minimum wage and they get one heck of a tax break.

This receipt only shows he didn't put a tip on the bill. He may have left one of the table.

Jesse said...

Rueben did the same thing to me at a restaurant in West Chester. He and his crue came in 10 minutes before close, stayed an hour and a half past close while complaining about everything. I gave the table free dessert because I was a fan of his when we went to college together. He tipped less than 10%. They then left in his $65k + , tricked out H2.

Twin Killing dot Com said...

1. For everyone who came hear because Mo linked to this story, thanks. But I'd prefer you check out the main page ( and listen to the occasionally offensive podcasts.

2. Raymond, I understand that folks in the service industry (such as yourself) tip in cash for the reasons stated above. I also know that Ruben Patterson would have trouble grasping that concept. Let me ask you: Do you really feel as if Patterson left me a generous cash tip, or any tip at all? Come on.

3. Find me on Facebook.

-Brad Spieser