Thursday, February 18, 2010

Catching Up: Part One (Haiti Earthquake/Mr. Polynice's Nose Edition)

Ok, so you haven't heard from me in 67 days. Sixty-seven days. That's like, a really long time, or whatever. Since the last time we saw each other I've (a.) moved to Vegas, (b.) witnessed the birth of my fourth son (Darren, obviously), (c.) slapped a woman for making fun of my pants and (d.) partied with Better than Ezra's first drummer!

That's a remarkable stretch, all things considered. Except it's not true. Well, other than the part about moving to Vegas it's not. But I did move to Vegas. That definitely happened. In fact, I'm here now. I drove 28 goddamn hours in my brilliant 1998 Dodge Intrepid to get to this place, and I can tell you with absolute certainty, I'm not sure it was worth it. But we'll see. I'll fill you in on the gory details over the following months -- or maybe I won't; I suck at keeping promises. What I do promise, I think, is that I'll play catch-up on the topics that came and went in my two-months-and-change sabbatical. And if you've been a regular reader of mine, you know how this works: Just because I'm a maniacal sports fan with endless opinions on major events (e.g., Super Bowl, Final Four, etc.) doesn't guarantee I'll actually get around to commenting on them. I'd like to, but sometimes life (and laziness) get in the way. But I'll undoubtedly get around to the topics that had me laughing uncontrollably or pissed off for days over these last 1,604 hours.

Which leads me to my first post since December 9, 2009...

Quick, what's the first thing that pops into your head when you think about the Haiti earthquake? Olden Polynice's dad's gigantic nose, right?

Or, maybe that's just me. Explain.

When I think about one of the greatest tragedies to strike Latin America this decade, I don't think about lives lost or heroic efforts, I think about the man who had sex with Mrs. Polynice 45 years ago. And why? Because Olden Polynice is Haitian, as is the rest of his family. This made the former Sonic/Clipper/Piston/King/Sonic/Jazz/Clipper relevant last month. This meant that he appeared with Dr. Phil on Dr. Phil's TV show, Dr. Phil, and made said appearance as his dad -- who hadn't had contact with Olden since the quake -- surprised him on set for the world to see.

It may have been a touching moment; I honestly can't remember. Just one look at Mr. Polynice's nose and I was out for the count. It felt like Brutus the Barber Beefcake had given me the sleeper hold again. Anyway, see for yourself. Watch this video and tell me if you've ever seen anything quite as mesmerizing as Mr. Polynice's massive nose:

Glad to be back, boys and girls. Glad to be back. And if you'll allow me a moment to be sappy, I'd like to thank all the readers who emailed me since I stepped away. It will never cease amazing me that I've connected with strangers to the point that time is taken out of their day to not only check my sporadically-updated website, but email me their thoughts. Thank you, thank you.

-Brad Spieser (