Hi, Hello And Welcome: Georgie Boy Has Company

It all started Saturday night. Well, it actually started in 1993, but what's the difference?

I generally hate Reds television announcer George Grande because he doesn't have a critical bone in his body (yes, I hate him because he's too nice). He's always telling me how every scumbag on Earth is a good guy, not only on the field, but off...

And he has a nickname (and often nicknames) for every Archibald Graham who ever played a third of an inning at the big league level. Case in point: In recent weeks he's referred to Reds platooning outfielder Jonny Gomes as "Never Say Die" Gomes and "J.G."

My head hurts just thinking about it.

For the uninformed, Jonny Gomes (28-years-old) has played 42 career games with the Reds and driven in a total of 19 runs. This, apparently, is how someone earns two nicknames.

But that isn't what brings me here today.

What brings me here today is a disturbing **trend** in broadcasting: Throwing out statistics that aren't remotely true. George Grande fell victim to this recently (more on that in a moment), which was a little bit surprising, but at least it makes me hate him more...and hating George Grande is one of my favorite hobbies.

(Note: To me, the word **trend** suggests it has the potential to reach epidemic status, but that's not even a possibility here. But I'll call it a trend if it allows me to pile on George Grande and other local broadcasters. Plus, it's my column. I win.)

Brace yourself for some good old-fashioned paraphrasing...

On the Saturday June 18, 2009 telecast of the Reds-Brewers game, Grande had this to say following a Willy Taveras infield single:

"When Taveras hits the ball on the ground he reaches base safely 75 percent of
the time."

No, seriously.

George Grande said these words to a worldwide audience, and not a single person called him out (including his equally inept wingman, Chris Welsh). If you wonder why a dope like George Grande has held such a prominent position for sixteen years, this pretty much explains it. The media's job is to hold people accountable, and yet nobody called out Grande for flat-out lying to viewers.

**********

We've seen (or heard) this before in Cincinnati.

Just last year (which is sometimes called 2008), Reds radio announcer Jeff Brantley went a little overboard stating the merits of having utilityman Jerry Hairston in the lineup more often. And by "a little overboard," I mean he insulted the listeners with an unconscionable lie:

"It is a statistical fact...when Jerry Hairston is in the lineup the Reds win 85
to 90 percent of the time."

He said this. And I heard him.

This wasn't hyperbole for the sake of a good laugh (e.g., Bill Walton claiming Shawn Bradley to be the best center in the history of baseball.); Jeff Brantley wouldn't know facetiousness if it smacked in the face.

This was simply a broadcaster throwing out a completely ridiculous statistic and hoping the listening audience wouldn't question it.

And just to cover my ass, I did some fact-checking, and it appears the Reds were 34-24 (give or take a game) last season with Hairston in the lineup. A record of 34 wins and 24 losses -- for those without their TI-82 calculators handy -- makes for a .586 winning percentage...slightly less than 85-90 percent.

**********

Finally we have former Bengals All-Pro David Fulcher, probably the least talented person who continues to receive steady on-air work in Cincinnati. I didn't witness this event first hand, but Craig, my podcast partner, did.

On a live broadcast of a Cincinnati Marshals game that Craig was producing, David Fulcher openly (and quite seriously) questioned the Marshals' decision at the coin toss. You see, the team captain (who probably has a name) chose heads over tails, and lost. This puzzled Fulcher:

"Why would they choose heads when tails wins 80 percent of the time?"

I know you're thinking that no sane-minded human would honestly believe that. But Fulcher, it seems, is perfectly okay with sharing this information with the world.

**********

I was going to have a cute little wrap-up here, comparing Fulcher to Brantley to Grande, but the more I think about it, the three of them are not entirely relatable. I mean, yeah, they're all incompetent, but that's not what I was going for. I guess I just wanted to illustrate (a.) how poor local broadcasting is, and (b.) how dumb we are for tolerating it.

If nothing else, the stories were enjoyable-----and they were all true.

In the end, tails never fails.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/22/09

Like I've Always Said, Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Two items, intended to elicit laughter:

1. Jim Fassel, who will be coaching J.P. Losman in something called the United Football League, compared his newest pupil to the world's best black golfer:

"If I had doubt that he should not be a starting winning quarterback, I wouldn't take it on," Fassel said. "But I had the same feeling with Kerry Collins ... J.P.'s got tremendous athletic skills. This guy should be a starter in the NFL. I mean, come on ... But I still understand you can help a guy. Even Tiger Woods needs a swing coach."

2. My buddy Cam sent me the following text message today: "Paul Biancardi just shot me a dirty look at CVG. He was on the phone when I walked by and I asked him if he was talking to Boban Savovic."

It's true------I associate with jerks.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/21/09

Blame Brandon Phillips For Our Children Being Overweight

The most boring topic on sports talk radio is hustle.

In recent years the fine people of Cincinnati had to absorb constant praise of Ryan Freel's false hustle (i.e., diving for balls he had no chance of catching), and likewise for Ken Griffey Jr's perceived lack of hustle (in reality he was an old man with two bum wheels and trying to score from second on a sharp single to right wasn't often the wise move).

That's not to say Ryan Freel's hustle wasn't the occasional sparkplug (or that it was always phony; it wasn't), and Griffey, well...he certainly loafed more often than is realistically defensible.

But you know what I mean.

Regardless, the topic is -- and will always be -- boring.

And I'll always just assume anyone who spends too much time talking about hustle was probably just a lousy athlete.

That said, Brandon Phillips is an asshole. I say this because he didn't hustle last night when the Reds could've been blowing the door wide open in the first inning.

I guess I'm just like the boring white media I mostly hate.

But, seriously, what is it with Phillips? This crap happens all the time around him. Fly ball, medium depth, everyone in the park is expecting the ball to find a glove...except it doesn't. And now the shithead, who was jogging to first, steps on the gas out of embarrassment, only to be hosed at second base.

Here's the deal with baseball: You can be a fat ass and still be a great player. I'm not silly enough to suggest baseball players aren't athletes, but the majority of them don't have to be well-conditioned mammals; they merely have to try hard for --at most -- seven or eight seconds at a time. If the ball is hit in your general vicinity, run towards it and try to catch it. If, as a hitter, you put the ball in play, run as fast as you can until it's no longer beneficial to your team. That's it.

Did I just over-simplify the American sport of baseball? Obviously. But that doesn't mean I'm not sort of right about all this.

**********

Final note: You know Brandon Phillips does this nearly every time he hits a medium-depth flyball directly at someone, right? Well, maybe you don't. But it's true. And this is how the media works. Situations like this don't become an issue until they become an issue. Had Dodgers RF Andre Ethier caught the lazy fly we wouldn't be talking about this. Make sense?

Now, if we could just go another hundred years or so without ever discussing hustle...

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/21/09

5 Underrated Sports Players Who Play Sports

The summer of boring continues, which is why we're back with another list. I gots five underrated peoples's for you, and the following sentences should make for slightly entertaining reading. Start.

Dave Kingman

Over the course of Adam Dunn's eight years with the Reds his detractors often compared him to 70's and 80's slugger Dave Kingman. And every time it was meant in a derogatory fashion. But it was ridiculous, for two reasons:

1. It's true Dunn and Kingman hit a bunch of home runs and struck out constantly, but that's where the comparison ends; Dunn walked all the time, while Kingman had a Willy Taverasesque .302 career OBP. So, Dunn was a far more valuable ball player. But...

2. Kingman was hardly a slouch. And again, I only bring this up because -- for the better part of this decade -- Kingman's name was only mentioned negatively in Cincinnati, as if he were a hack ballplayer who simply fell into a bunch of home runs.

It takes an awful lot of talent to hit home runs, and Kingman hit 448 of them, good for 35th all time.

Right now the Reds would kill -- absolutely kill -- to have a right-handed slugger like Kingman in the middle of the lineup. And by kill, I mean murder. Murder = dead.

**********

Scott Mitchell, 1995

Okay, say what you want about Scott Mitchell from 91-94, and from 96-01, but he'll always have 1995. He was a monster in '95. A monster. 4,338 passing yards; 36 total touchdowns (4 rushing); 12 interceptions. And he led the 10-6 Detroit Lions to the playoffs. I get the feeling that Scott Mitchell gets made fun of a lot (he just looks like the kind of guy who endures a ton of crap), but if I were Mitchell, I would always remind people about the fall and winter of 1995, when I posted better numbers than just about any quarterback not named Brett Favre.

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Albert Belle

Was he an ass? Wait, allow me to rephrase...was he the worst person in the history of worst people? Maybe. Was he on the juice? My guess would be probably. But he never failed a wiz test. Anyway, nobody talks about Albert Belle anymore. I mean, ever. And when I look at Belle's Baseball-Reference page, the fact that he's already misremembered kind of pisses me off.

He played ten full seasons in the bigs (1991-2000) and was a devastating force at the plate from the time he entered the league until a hip injury forced him out of the game he dominated. Even his last season, 2000 in Baltimore, Belle still managed to drive in 103 runs.

That dude should be in the Hall of Fame, and yet he'll never sniff inclusion. The lesson: You can act like a jerk all you want if you've pocketed $100 million in your career.

**********

Eric Davis, 1987

E.D.'s career is littered with what-ifs; this especially applies to his best season, 1987. In '87, Eric Davis hit 37 HRs, drove in 100 runs and stole 50 bases, while only being caught six times. (Note: He also won a gold glove in centerfield, but my argument is focused solely on his hitting prowess). He put up such strong numbers -- in an era where 37 HRs was a big deal -- despite playing in only 129 games.

129 games.

Eric Davis missed 33 games in '87 and it still kills me. He was notoriously fragile throughout his 17-year career, but what if...what if he could have put together one full season? Jose Canseco became baseball's first 40-40 guy the following year (in 158 games, of course), but Davis would've had a legitimate shot at 50-70, an accomplishment unlikely to ever be broken (sluggers just don't steal bases anymore).

But it didn't happen. Probably because it would've allowed people in this miserable city to smile for a few consecutive minutes. Either way, Eric Davis is mostly forgotten (even locally, for some reason), but that wouldn't be the case had he been the first member of baseball's 40-40 club, and the only member in the 50-70 club.

**********

Corey Dillon, the Bengal years (1997-2003)

Most stupid idiots will tell you Dillon's best season in the National Football League was 2004, his first with the New England Patriots. They tell you this after taking a gander at his statistics. He rushed for 1,635 yards, and did so in only fifteen games. The Patriots defeated the Eagles in the '04 professional championship (which is sometimes called the Super Bowl), and I have a hard time believing they could have accomplished such a feat without Corey James Dillon.

Because he was really good that season...and perhaps great.

But not as great as his '99 season (1,200 yards, 5 TD) or his '02 season (1,311 yards, 7 TD) or his...pick a season. Trust me, I watched the dude in his prime, and Bengals Corey Dillon was noticeably superior to Patriots Corey Dillon. He was fast and mean and unlucky. He was a brilliant runner on those Bengals squads, but he was stuck receiving handoffs from, among others, Neil O'Donnell, Akili Smith, Gus Frerotte, Scott Mitchell (twice in one column!) and Jon Kitna. In other words, opposing defenses weren't exactly terrified of being beaten by the forward pass.

And whenever I argue whether a human being belongs in the Hall of Fame or not (something I love a little too much, by the way), Corey Dillon's name always makes an appearance. If Dillon makes it to Canton, it will be on the strength of his numbers-friendly 2004 in New England, which is somewhat ridiculous.

Cincinnati folk probably understand how great Dillon was in stripes, but I get the feeling national folk don't have a friggin' clue. That's how one gets labeled underrated.

**********

End of words.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/15/09

Home Run Derby Prediction

Let me go ahead and attempt to seem smart:

Joe Mauer will win the 2008 Home Run Derby. He'll routinely smack unimpressive 345-footers to dead right and conserve his power for the final rounds while the Ryan Howards and Prince Fielders of the world will expend every ounce of their energy trying to hit the goddamn ball to all the way to Illinois.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/13/09, 7:57 p.m., three minutes before the stupid thing is about to start

Nerdy Baseball Question

Cubs' reliever Sean Marshall recorded the first out of the 9th inning Sunday against the Cards, and was replaced by Aaron Heilman...

Except -- instead of walking to the dugout -- Marshall stayed in the game and replaced Alphonso Soriano in left field. After Heilman put away the only batter he faced, Marshall came back in from left field to finish the inning.

I know you think I'm going to come at you with a nerdy, Jayson Stark-like statistic, about how this hasn't happened in the 9th inning at Wrigley Field since Wally "Big Feet" McGee did the same thing for the Tupelo Bumble Bees in 1907. But I'm not.

My question is simple: Can the same pitcher earn a win and save in the same game?

With Sean Marshall, it didn't matter. This scenario can only happen with a starter (plus, the Cubs were losing yesterday, anyway).

Imagine...Starting Pitcher X pitches 8.1 scoreless innings for a team that is winning 1-0 on the strength of a 1st inning home run. He's relieved by Relief Pitcher X, but instead of exiting the game, the starter heads to left field. After one out is recorded, the starter comes back to the mound and finishes the game out.

Anyone?

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/13/09

Homer Bailey And Jordan Crawford

Two quick thoughts on local athletes:

1. When David Weathers gave up the four-run homer to Albert Pujols (or as George Grande calls him, even when cameras aren't rolling, "Prince Albert") my only thought was, Jesus, now Homer Bailey's going right back in the toilet for his next start -- and maybe forever. With Bailey, his confidence is so obviously flimsy that any little thing hiccup will lead to a grand meltdown, and I'm always convinced he'll never recover.

So, anyway, he pitched his second consecutive gem (or whatever) last night -- 6 Ks, 0 BBs in six innings -- and I'm now convinced he's the greatest pitcher alive.

I'm also convinced Albert Pujols deserves 100 percent of the credit. I don't really feel like spending the necessary eighteen seconds searching for the quote, but if you follow the Reds even a little you know exactly what I'm referring to...you know, the one where Pujols spoke glowingly about Bailey's stuff, and how's he's going to be in this league for a long time (or something).

This is the way my mind works, and it's not going to change. You can tell me all you want about Bailey trusting his stuff, and I'm still going to give credit to a complimentary quote from the game's best player.

2. I don't have much to add to the story regarding Jordan Crawford's dunk over LeBron James, and the disappearing video fallout. Except this: That video being pulled will almost certainly be the defining moment in Crawford's life -- at least in the public eye. He's a nice player and everything, but he's unlikely to play in the NBA. And because he plays for the Muskies, it's not like he'll ever win the NCAA tournament.

Most likely, this is a story that will become legendary over time -- Crawford is a shoe-in for Sports Illustrated's "Where Are They Now" issue in twenty years -- and might become something he grows sick of talking about.

And the funny thing is, this story has somehow become newsworthy, only because LeBron is protecting his precious image. Had the video of the dunk surfaced, it would have made SportsCenter's "Top 10," for one day -- and maybe at the end of the week -- and vanished for good. And now, we get to here the story told and re-told every time Crawford's name is mentioned nationally over the next hundred years.

Trust me, this will get annoying.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/09/09

Five Underrated Sports Teams That Play Sports

When I was in radio I hated this time of year, mostly because talk show hosts got lazy. Since there was nothing to talk about -- it's been eons since the Reds were interesting in the middle of summer, and the Bengals were roughly a month from reporting to camp -- hosts would always resort to gimmicky topics to generate phone calls.

Topics that often included lists.

But now I'm feeling their pain. I have absolutely nothing to say about the current state of the sporting world. Nothing. Okay, yeah, I want Edinson Volquez to get healthy, and I would like to punch David Weathers in the neck, but that doesn't really make for a column, you know?

So, because of all thems words you just read, I'm giving you the **definitive** list of the five most underrated teams in the history of sports.

(**Definitive** indicates I only gave this list five minutes of thought, and completely ignored anything that happened before 1998.)

1998 Atlanta Falcons

It seems they're remembered as one of those crappy Super Bowl losers (like the '85 Patriots or '94 Chargers) and that's more than a little unfair. First, they went 14-2 in the regular season. I don't care how weak their schedule was, 14-2 is 14-2. Second, they weren't gift-wrapped a win in Minnesota after Gary Anderson missed his only kick of the season; they still had to march the length of the field -- on the road -- just to tie it. Then, of course, they had to win it in overtime against the dominant Vikings. The '98 Falcons were good, but they weren't John Elway and Terrell Davis good.

**********

1998 Utah Utes men's basketball.

Again, another runner-up from '98 who's thought of as something of a joke. Kentucky was a worthy champion, for sure, but Utah is never remembered fondly. Ever. I'm thinking this is because their roster was predominantly white. But them there white boys could play...and, of course, Andre Miller was decidedly non-white. Regardless, the Utes featured four guys who played in the NBA: Miller (2002 assist champion), Michael Doleac (10 years in the league), Hanno Mottola and Britton Johnsen. Do some digging, and quickly you'll find that most teams never sniff sending four gentlemen to the NBA from a single roster. Even some champions fall short of possessing four NBA players from one roster, like Syracuse in 2003, who only had two pros.

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2002 Sacramento Kings.

Similar to the '98 Falcons and '98 Utes, the '02 Kings didn't win it all. Even worse, they didn't even make it to the Finals; they lost an excruciating seven game series to the Lakers that still seems unbelievable (not believable). They were the best team in basketball and deserved the 2002 title. History remembers the '02 Kings for two reasons: (1.) Robert Horry burying a dagger three against them to steal game four and (2.) the infamous fourth quarter of game six, when a Tim Donaghy-led crew sent the Lakers to the free throw line a staggering 41 times in a comeback victory for the Lakers. What happened in game seven? They lost in overtime, of course.

**********

Old Mississippi football, 2008.

These dudes could play, it just took them a minute to figure it out. After starting 2-2, the Rebels (a.) beat eventual champion Florida in the Swamp, (b.) traveled to then-No. 2 [and BCS-bound] Alabama, only to lose a 24-20 heartbreaker and (c.) won their last five, including a thumping of No. 7 Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl. Old Mississippi finished 9-4 and ranked 15th nationally, but they were good enough to win it all, and you're kind of stupid if you disagree with me. They'll always be my argument for why college football needs a 64 team tournament.

**********

2005 Bengals.

It's hard to imagine Carson Palmer and Marvin Lewis spearheading a Super Bowl victory, but crazier things have happened. Well, maybe not. But either way, the Steelers cut down the nets (or whatever) that year, but I'll go to my grave knowing (read: thinking) the Bengals were the better team. One month prior to Kimo von Oelhoffen rudely launching his fat ass into Carson Palmer's knee I watched the Bengals effortlessly go up and down the field in Pittsburgh, scoring 38 points on a muddy track. The Bengals weren't necessarily the best team in 2005, but they were absolutely talented enough to beat anybody, and it's a goddamn shame they didn't get to toy with opposing defenses in January.

End of words.

(More lists on the way, unless something interesting happens)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/8/09

Hi, Hello And Welcome: A Little Too Optimistic

I watched maybe thirty pitches of last night's 22-1 nail-biter, but was lucky enough to hear George Grande refer to Johnny Gomes as "Never Say Die" Gomes after his solo shot in the 2nd inning closed the gap to 10-1.

He was serious.

I barely flinched. This is what I've come to expect from this bozo over the past sixteen goddamn years. He makes Shirley Temple look like a pessimist.

I'm not sure who Phillip Pinnell is, but I can guarantee you I'd rather have him calling my Reds games over Georgie Boy.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/7/09

They Either Die Of AIDS or Sickle Cell

My dad gave me some advice yesterday. He thinks I should tone it down a bit on the website -- this would help me appeal to a wider audience. It makes sense, but I'm not all that sensible.

I told him that would be like telling Shaquille O'Neal to work on his three-point shooting, or suggesting Martin Scorsese direct a PG-13 movie.

Or asking George Grande to stop acting like a dumb gay nerd.

What's the point? We have to do what we do best. Shaq gets things done in the paint; Scorsese directs profanity-laden films about blood and violence; Grande pulls his wrinkle-free Dockers up to his breasts and says "yes-ir-ee" during nearly every broadcast.

You are what you is.

And I'm someone who associates with Craig Emmert.

Which helps explain why I have no qualms about posting a podcast titled, "They Either Die Of AIDS Or Sickle Cell."

Enjoy.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/6/09

Lance Stephenson, According To Brad

I'd like you to watch two videos of a black teenager. Go.

Lance Stephenson is a good basketball player. Lance Stephenson is New York's all-time leading scorer. Lance Stephenson is now a Bearcat.

No, seriously, Lance Stephenson is now a Bearcat.

Exclamation point!

March 4, 2006. That's the last time I was this excited about UC basketball. UC just defeated West Virginia (thanks to Devan Downey's 16/10/5) to get to .500 in the Big East, and cement their place in the NCAA tournament (or so I thought).

Starting with the selection committee's screw job roughly one week later, the words "positive" and "UC basketball" haven't been used in many of the same sentences.

It's been mostly negative for three-and-a-half years. Even when something good was happening, like a modest winning streak, I'd always point out the marginally talented players on the team and the superior talent on the other bench. I knew the other shoe was going to fall. I wasn't stupid. When they won, it was with smoke and mirrors. When they lost, it's because they were supposed to. Even last February, when the Bearcats were in contention for an at-large birth, I didn't talk myself into anything silly. When they lost to (winless in the Big East) Depaul in the conference tourney, I thought, "Yeah, that seems about right. Average teams lose to bad teams every once in a while."

Cincinnati was an average team in 08-09, whether you realize it or not. The problem (other than "their players weren't good enough")? Scoring. They had nobody -- NOBODY -- who could get an easy bucket.

But now they have Stephenson, not to mention point guard Cashmere Wright coming back from injury, and I can't help but think that UC is back on the map.

So, anyway, upon hearing news of the Stephenson signing, I decided to devour his highlight videos on YouTube (an Internet website).

Was I impressed with the man on my 17-inch screen? I suppose it would be fair to say that I fist pumped several thousand times like the white man I'll always be.

**********

Before moving forward, allow me to say this: I'm convinced Lance Stephenson will never play a single second for the Bearcats. Whether it be his sexual assault case or the NCAA deciding he's no longer an amateur, something will go wrong. Again, I'm convinced. 100 percent. This would be status quo for the Mick Cronin era.

But I love to get my heart broken, so I'm going to operate under the assumption that Lance Stephenson will be eligible to play basketball contests in Clifton next winter.

**********

Start.

UC is going to be good next season. No, seriously.

Lance Stephenson is the most skilled wing player in my life as a Bearcat fan. That's a fairly obvious statement, I realize, but it feels pretty great to make an obvious statement like that.

Lance Stephenson, the second he walks on the floor, will be UC's best offensive player. His slashing, herky-jerky game and ball-handling skills are NBA worthy right now. Scouts say he's an inconsistent shooter (who isn't at that age?) but his stroke is nice. After eyeballing his tapes, I would say his game compares a little to sturdily built chaps like Carmelo Anthony, Quentin Richardson and Caron Butler at similar ages. All three are taller -- and all three were brilliant offensive rebounders in college, especially off their own miss -- but none were blessed with elite athleticism.

Oh, Stephenson is plenty athletic, and he might be the third best athlete on the team (behind Darnell Wilks and Cashmere Wright), but he's not going to blow you away with his leaping ability. That was me warning you.

Regardless, the dude can play. He's a prolific scorer from the wing, and I can't remember the last time UC had a guy like that.

Examining the more talented wings of the past twenty years...

DerMarr Johnson was too stiff to blow by people, and too weak to finish with authority; Ruben Patterson couldn't shoot or dribble; Damon Flint possessed a great overall skill-set, but he lacked range, and was less athletic than Stephenson; James White barely used his (overrated) athleticism to his advantage, was painfully weak physically and he couldn't jump off two feet. He also had lousy balance; he was constantly knocked to the floor. Add it all up and he never EVER finished after contact.

Now, aside from Flint, all three of those gentlemen earned NBA dollars (including Patterson, who made a lot, and White, who has a chance to stick around), while Stephenson hasn't played a second above high school. But, if we're talking potential, well, it ain't close. Stephenson has a complete offensive game.

In fact, let me put on my amateur scouting cap and break down Stephenson's strengths/weaknesses, based solely on two five-minute videos.

(And by the way, I don't know what to tell you if you think the following scouting report ranks as the most self important thing I've ever written. I can't help it. I have such strong opinions of Stephenson's ability that I have no choice but to express them in this space. And if you think I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, that's not my problem. I'm at peace with my Lord)

STRENGTHS (and there are many)


Stephenson's a natural scorer. He can score in a variety of ways. He has 3-point range, an in-between game off the bounce and the ability to go all the way to the basket off the dribble. Sometimes he makes it look easy.

**********

Vision. Okay, he doesn't pass much, but his pinpoint passes out of double teams and to cutters reveal his excellent vision. Some guys are willing to pass, but they stink at it. I've watched Deonta Vaughn for three years and I can't recall a single beautiful pass to a slashing teammate. And his alley oops are never timed correctly. Vision is something you either have or you don't. Stephenson has it, Vaughn doesn't. The 08-09 Bearcats only had one decent passer -- Rashad Bishop -- and now, with the additions of Stephenson and Cashmere Wright, they have three.

**********

Body. He has the body of an NBA shooting guard. Very strong. Best of all, he's learned how to use it. He's already learned how to create space with subtle bumps and as long as he's always attacking the hoop he'll get to the free throw line quite a bit; guys who are both physically strong and strong with the ball make a living at the foul line.

**********

Outside shooting. Stephenson has NBA range and a quick release. No hitches at all. Solid lift. The poor video quality doesn't reveal if he does something odd with his release, like shooting with too much of his left hand on the ball, or with little rotation, but I highly doubt it. His follow-through indicates he's got a near-textbook jumper.

**********

Looks just as comfortable shooting off the bounce as he does off the catch. This is a good thing, as shooting off the catch is much easier than off the dribble. And some guys never learn to shoot off the dribble. Bruce Bowen led the NBA in three-point percentage in 2003 and I'd bet you six-thousand American dollars that he didn't connect on a single three that season after taking even one dribble. He's a catch-and-shoot guy, and nothing else.

***********

WEAKNESSES


I don't see many weaknesses in his game, but here's some nitpicking:

Shoots too much; over-dribbles a little; favors his right hand too often around the hole; not a great leaper.

The leaping thing would bother me more if he weren't so strong, or didn't already have an idea of how to be crafty around the basket. Being a well-rounded scorer is far more important than being able to jump over people.

Everything else is fixable. But he'd be wise to fix them if he wants the NBA to call his name in a year.

**********

Ball-hogging and over-dribbling are simply a product of Stephenson routinely facing inferior opponents. If you know you can get off a decent shot by simply dribbling around for a few extra seconds -- because you've been doing this since you were eight -- well, it's understandable. But it won't fly (at least not all the time) at the next level. Mick Cronin will have to nip this is the bud immediately. Thankfully, I don't need to remind him of this.

**********

Finishing with his left. Guys who finish impressively with their off hand will always have a soft spot in my heart. They're also tougher to defend. Jason Maxiell and Eric Hicks shot a million free throws as Bearcats, but I'm struggling to remember a single instance when they were completing an and-one. Common scenario: They'd set up shop on the right block, turn middle, directly into the chest of the defender and release with the right hand (or attempt a dunk). Whistle blows. Two free throws. They never used their right hand as a shield while finishing with their left. It was maddening. Hicks and Maxiell were plenty strong enough to finish after contact, but they never were able to when the defender decided to molest their dominant hand.

Anyway, I watched Stephenson finish a few times with his left, but not nearly as many times as were presented. Too often, instead of a simple lefty layup, he found his way into more congested areas just so he could release with his right. This could be nothing, but I still feel it's worth mentioning.

**********

As for the other stuff, scouting reports say he stands around too much...I wouldn't know. I hope it's not true; that can be a problem.

And I have no clue what he brings to the table defensively (forgive me, the highlight videos don't exactly emphasize his defensive fundamentals). But defense doesn't matter. Okay, of course defense matters, just not in this case. Stephenson was brought here to score them buckets, and barring an embarrassing misjudgement on my behalf, that's precisely what he'll do next season at an alarming rate.

I like sports.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/1/09

Craig's Hero Has Negative Sideburns

The gentleman Craig claims is responsible for making him a man is now a walking embarrassment. This human's name is Brian Blanton, and he sports negative sideburns. Craig is struggling to deal with this. In fact, he's calling it the worst thing that's ever happened to him. He's more serious than you could ever believe.

When Craig asked about the worst thing that could happen to me, my answer involved Barry Larkin and Nick Van Exel performing oral sex on each other while my dad, um, watched.

Boys and girls, a new podcast..."Craig's Hero Has Negative Sideburns."

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/30/09

NKOTB, Willy Taveras, Lance Stephenson, Etc.

1. I really like what The Sporting News has done the past few years, but last week's issue had Orlando Pace on the cover, holding a Bears helmet (apparently he plays for them). I'm just trying to figure out how this will help sell a single copy.

2. Micah Owings didn't come to the plate once during the Reds' six-game road trip in AL parks. In a word, that's fucking stupid. Can't you stick John Gomes in left field to get your best hitters in the lineup? Owings is one of their nine best hitters, plain and simple. And isn't that the idea of the DH position -- to put your nine best hitters in the lineup?

3. A gentleman by the name of Tim Marchman, while writing for Sports Illustrated's Internet website, SI.com, came up with a list of MLB's best and worst 2009 free agents. Not surprisingly, Willy Taveras was considered the worst. Sweet! And the Reds have him next year for $3 million! Walt Jocketty needs to be held accountable for the awful contracts he handed Mike Lincoln and Willy Taveras. With Lincoln, I've said everything I need to say. With Taveras, owever, I've held off. Until now.

Do you realize Taveras entered 2009 with 80 extra base hits in over 2,000 at-bats? 80! That's it. Throw in only 116 walks over that same period and you're looking at a player who proved time and again to be a pretty lousy offensive player. As for the defensive side of things, I can't speak to his reputation as a center fielder entering 2009. But I can't imagine he was anything special, because he's been awful this year, routinely screwing up routine plays and often failing to track down the most trackable of balls.

Two years, $6 million. That's what Walt Jocketty offered Willy Taveras in the offseason. Translation: 600 at-bats in 2010. Horny? I thought so.

4. I was paid to see the New Kids on the Block show Saturday night, and I couldn't believe what I was seeing (except I kind of could). You'd have thought -- based on the maniacal behavior of every 32-year-old white woman at the show -- that it was 1964, and The Beatles were sweeping through America for the first time.

Women are bat shit crazy.

5. You know me well enough by now to know I'm 100 percent on board with Lance Stephenson coming to play ball at UC. I don't care about his past -- good or bad -- I really don't. To the best of my knowledge he hasn't raped my sister, and that's good enough for me. I just want him to run high and jump fast and contribute to victories. When and if this happens -- and if he's eligible to play, which I assume he won't be -- I'll devote more of my time to this subject.

Stay tuned.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/29/09

Tyler Hansbrough, Lottery Pick = Lousy Draft

Per Wikipedia: The NBA draft is an annual North American event in which the National Basketball Association's (NBA) thirty teams (29 in the United States and one in Toronto, Canada) can select players who wish to join the league.

Ok, cool.

Last night, players were chosen.

The experts are telling me it's the worst draft since 2000 -- and as much as I'd love to disagree with them, I can't. This draft was embarrassingly low on talent.

Blake Griffin, I love; Jrue Holiday, DeMar DeRozen and Brandon Jennings were good picks because they at least have All Star ability; Jeff Teague will be a scoring point at the next level if he can develop a consistent jumper. And that's about it.

This draft was awful. Tyler Hansbrough, Darren Collison and Wayne Ellington all went in the first round. To me, that sounds like the start of a good joke. DeJuan Blair went in the second round and nobody could believe how far he "slipped." What seemed to be misremembered is that Blair is a 6'6 rebounder, with no post moves...HE'S SUPPOSED TO GO IN THE SECOND ROUND! That's why the second round was invented, to draft guys like Blair.

Oh yeah, Hasheem Thabeet went No. 2 overall. Number Two! You might remember Thabeet as a gigantic, semi-uncoordinated foreigner who has horrible balance and no offensive game to speak of. And he's kind of soft. He's annoying, too, but that shouldn't be held against him (although I absolutely hold it against him). Is he an effective enough defender to have a spot on an NBA roster? Yes. But I think we can agree that the No. 2 overall pick should be able to score, right? Right?

Even Stephen Curry, who I'd follow into hell, shouldn't be going anywhere near the lottery. But he did. Seventh overall. I still can't believe it.

James Harden didn't give a crap during Arizona State's two tourney games in March, so how am I supposed to believe he'll give maximum effort for an 82-game season? Plus, he's slow.

Austin Daye makes Boris Diaw look like the toughest mother fucker around. Soft. Skinny. Not all that athletic. Decent shooter. And please, let's stop with the Tayshaun Prince comparisons. I'm begging you.

As for pretty much everyone else in the draft -- save for James Johnson, Eric Maynor and a few others -- I can't believe they heard their name as early as they did...or that they were drafted at all.

**********

Back to the 2000 draft. Yes, it was pathetic. But a few gems were uncovered, as well -- none bigger than Michael Redd at pick No. 43.

And why am I telling you this? Because this draft will have its gems, too. It might come from the list of names I just pooped on, or it might be some dude from overseas with a difficult name to pronounce.

But I think it's going to be DaJuan Summers, combo forward from Georgetown. He's got an NBA body (6'9, 245 lbs.), NBA athleticism (words in parentheses) and a pretty stroke from long range. I don't know a thing about the effort he put forward at G'Town -- and if he's a punk like that, he won't last -- but he has All Star ability and I love the idea of him stretching defenses at the four position.

I also love the fact that both Summers and Daye were drafted by Detroit. Trust me, the available minutes will go to Summers.

**********

A few other draft thoughts...

In a draft so short on talent why did Josh Heytvelt, Jerel McNeal and AJ Abrams go undrafted? Neither are great, but all offer a specific skill that all teams crave.

With Heytvelt's, yeah, he's a knucklehead. And he never really tried hard. But he's 6'11. And he's not a stiff. And he can shoot. Seems to me like he could be a nice pick-and-pop player.

McNeal can guard the perimeter and knock down corner threes. I'd rather have him over Collison or Ellington.

And AJ Abrams...God, do I love watching him. He's really small (listed at 5'11), but he can shoot from distance better than anyone in this draft besides Steph Curry. And his release is so quick that his shot never gets blocked. I think he can stick in the league in an Eddie House role.

End of words.

(By the way, I posted a new podcast about Craig getting kicked out of a softball league for arguing with an umpire. If you're keeping score at home, he's now been kicked out of two fantasy leagues, a basketball league and now a softball league. And it's never is fault.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/26/09

We're All Fairweather Fans

I passionately follow four sports teams: Bengals; Reds; UC basketball; Ohio State football.

This has always been the case. Since kindergarten. Those four. That will never change. I love them equally.

Except I don't.

At the moment Ohio State football is the team I love most, with the others clawing for the coveted No. 2 spot in my heart.

The reason: Ohio State's been winning with greater frequency than the other three, and winning delivers happiness. Simple as that.

This makes me a fairweather fan, which is perfectly normal. In fact, it might be the only normal thing I do.

**********

Nobody has crazier fans than the Yankees, right? Wrong. To me, 1991 wasn't that long ago, and in '91 the Yankees only outdrew three teams in the entire American League. Three teams! The Yankees! The following year was the exact same.

Yankees win-loss totals in '91 and '92: 71-91; 76-86.

They stunk.

But in '93, they didn't, finishing 88-74 overall and seeing a dramatic rise in attendance numbers. The Yankees went from consecutive years at 11th overall (behind teams like Kansas City, Minnesota, Milwaukee and Texas) up to 5th overall.

I've never written, "Coincidence? I think not." mostly because I enjoy French kissing women, but now would be a fitting occasion.

I know it seems like Yankee Nation (or whatever) is comprised of the most loyal dudes around, but it's simply untrue. They've been No. 1 in attendance every year since '03, and haven't finished lower than third since '97. And I know I don't have to remind you they've been baseball's best team over the same stretch.

I'd love to pile on Yankee fans for showing up only when their team is decent -- really, I would -- but that would make me unoriginal. The reality is that the Yankees have a similar amount of fans now as they did seventeen years ago. But they weren't as loud then, and they didn't feel like paying money to see a lousy product, and they certainly didn't travel to see them play in rival cities. And so on. And so on.

And again, that's fine. We're all like that. Disagree? Take a look around and try to spot a Bengals flag or jersey, or a work truck painted orange and black. Three and four years ago they were everywhere. Now? Not so much. Cincinnati is still loaded with Bengals fans, they just don't have the time or energy to devote to a pathetic product.

Win first, then we'll get "Who Dey" tattooed on our forehead.

**********

The best example of this locally took place the first few months of the millennium: Kenyon Martin was the nation's best player on the nation's best team, and the Reds added a 30-year-old Ken Griffey, Jr. to a 96-win team. At the same time Akili Smith just completed his first season as the Bengals' starting QB (and it was already a disaster), while John Cooper was asleep at the wheel in Columbus.

You mean to tell me I was supposed to follow the Bengals and Buckeyes as intensely as I followed the Bearcats and Reds? That's crazy talk.

I was still a fan. I still watched every game. But I wasn't nervous an hour before kickoff, and I didn't push my nephew down the steps if they lost. I loved the '00 Bengals and Buckeyes, just not as much as Kenyon Martin's Bearcats or Sean Casey's Reds.

**********

This all started a few weeks ago when I was told that it was 86 days 'til Ohio State's opener against Navy. Upon hearing this news I nearly fainted. 86 days. That's not far off. But it got me thinking...the Bengals start their season at exactly the same time, so why am I obsessing over Ohio State, while I'm merely waiting around for the Bengals' opener (opponent unknown)? Three years ago they were equals, and now one is being lapped.

I've never seen Sophie's Choice (and never will, although I'm sure it's great), but from what I understand Sophie has to decide to keep one of her two children, while the other would be taken from her forever (and, I think, killed).

But Sophie's choice probably wasn't so difficult.

One of them probably finished their homework right after school, while the other probably just spilled Mountain Berry Punch Kool-Aid on the living room carpet.

In other words: Brad = Meryl Streep; Bengals = dead baby.

Sophie was a fairweather parent.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/24/09

This Kid Never Played Sports

Either this video is real, and this kid is going to be picked on for the next hundred years...or it's fake, in which case the maniacal young boy on my computer screen joins Michael Richards as the finest physical comedian alive.

Regardless, this shit be funny -- and I stole it directly from Maurice Egger.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/23/09

Artie Lange, Baseball Stats, This Website, Etc.

1. Question: How many people have offered, in one capacity or another, to help me with this website?

Answer: Approximately 6,005.

I'm constantly (read: once a week, maybe) receiving emails from mammals (often friends) who love my site but think it needs an aesthetic overhaul. And they always know a guy who can help me. It's their brother or cousin or neighbor, and they work for a web design firm (or something) and they could easily fix the amateurish look and feel of TwinKilling.com.

For whatever reason, I always take the bait. I always assume -- despite being let down dozens of times before -- that this email is the one that will change my fortunes. I generally don't believe in people (call me a cynic), but when I receive emails from readers who offer help, I'm like a young Micky Dolenz.

For the record:

a. Two different gentlemen have more or less guaranteed me money.

b. One guy told me his company wanted to make my website his pet project.

c. Several have told me they (or someone they know) could easily change the look of the site for little or no cost.

d. Other words.

There's a lesson here: Never trust anyone. Ever. Yes, I am bitter.

But there's also this: Despite my bitterness I'm still willing to accept your help. Anyone's help. This site looks like crap, but the content is solid. Please help. Please. This is an official beg. I have no idea what I'm doing here. But I can write a little bit. And the podcasts are funny. You see, I have ability. Please help me make this site look somewhat decent. Again, I beg you. I'm offering oral sex.

Brad Spieser desperately needs your help.

**********

2. Jay Bruce has a decent shot at 40 HRs this year. He has an outside shot at 80 walks. His current OBP is a pathetic .305. Bizarre.

Translation: Jay Bruce sucks. I knew it.

3. Nick Anderson's career will always be remembered for four missed free throws to blow Game One of the '95 finals -- and his ensuing struggles. Do you realize his mind was so screwed up in the years that followed that his charity-stripe woes sunk all the way to 40 percent for the '97 season? He was a starting NBA shooting guard putting up numbers Bo Outlaw and Dale Davis would find amusing.

Final word: Anderson made $36 million in his career. Let's not feel too sorry for him.

4. I read this in a recent Bill Simmons column: Since the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol they haven't once endured a three-game losing streak.

Final word: I have nothing to add to this, other than maybe Chris Mihm is worse than we thought.

5. Colly Boy, my fireman friend, texted me the other day with the following piece of information regarding the Reds television broadcast team: "Every firehouse I have ever been to hates George Grande, Jim Day and Jeff Piecoro."

Final word: What about Chris Welsh? Just because he's not as bad as Grande doesn't mean he's not a lousy broadcaster. He is. Welsh is simply the most handsome man in the leper colony.

6. Larry Brown played in only twelve NFL games after being named MVP of the '95 Super Bowl.

Translation: Al Davis has a keen eye for talent.

7. Toby Harrah, a four-time All Star from the 70's and 80's (although fairly obscure historically) is responsible for two of the strangest things to have ever happened on a baseball field: (1.) He played every inning of a double-header at shortstop and not a single ball was hit to him, and (2.) He and a teammate (someone who probably has a name) once hit back-to-back inside-the-park HRs.

Final word: Take that, Fernando Tatis.

(Note: I came across the Toby Harrah stuff from a link Rob Neyer posted on his page, but I can't seem to locate it.)

8. Joe Niekro came to the plate nearly 1,200 times in his career and hit only one home run. His one glorious moment was off a Hall of Famer...his brother, Phil. And it tied the game in the 7th inning.

(Note: I also swiped the Niekro stat from Neyer)

9. I'm not up on the latest "Shaq to the Cavs" rumors, but I know one thing: If it goes through, stay out of my way. I swear, if LeBron James wastes his entire young prime without playing on a single up-tempo team I will strangle everyone who comes in my path, except for old ladies (they get pushed down the steps). But seriously, LeBron James would have averaged 40-44 ppg on the 05-07 Suns, which means there's no reason he shouldn't be averaging 36-38 ppg now. He's the best athlete the league has ever seen, not to mention the best finisher after contact in the game. The fact that he's dealing with constant double and triple teams in a slow-it-down half court offense is preposterous.

10. Artie Lange caused a lot of controversy with his excessively foul mouth on HBO's Joe Buck Live. The foul mouth wasn't the problem; after all it was HBO. The problem was that Artie Lange wasn't funny, and Joe Buck wasn't (or isn't) skilled enough to turn Lange's disastrous appearance into a positive.

A couple of things here: First, Artie Lange -- on drugs or off -- is one of the funniest men on Earth. He really is. But only when he's on the Howard Stern Show. His chemistry with Stern and Robin Quivers is unparalleled in the radio game. But his stand-up stinks, and so do his acting performances. Does that mean he's not funny? Of course not. But he's not funny in every arena.

Something similar happens with Jay Mohr and Adam Carolla.

Listen to Mohr host the Jim Rome Show just once and you'll think he's the next Howard Stern. Without fail, Jay Mohr delivers an A+ performance every time. But his TV shows and movies are unwatchable -- as are his individual performances in each one.

And if you can get Adam Carolla in a complimentary role on anything -- radio or TV, but preferably radio -- and allow him the time to spit out his long-winded (and brilliant) opinions and observations of absolutely everything, well, nobody does it better. Nobody. But put him in the capatain's chair, and he's a flop.

Lange, Mohr and Carolla are supremely talented, with sharp comedic minds, but their styles aren't full proof.

Lange bombed on Joe Buck Live, and that's the real reason it made headlines.

11. I miss Jules Asner.

12. I've heard media folk suggest that Bryce Harper's decision to get a GED (in order to enter next year's draft a year early) would've been a bigger story if he played basketball instead of baseball.

To that, I agree. But for different reasons.

I think the aforementioned media folk were suggesting that it'd be some sort of outrage, one driven by (a.) race and (b.) a mockery of the educational system. And there might be some truth in that, but it's misguided.

The real reason Bryce Harper's story isn't getting the same amount of publicity had he played basketball is simple: Nobody cares about college baseball in this country, and everyone cares about college hoops.

It's completely unfair of David Stern to prevent people from being drafted out of high school, but I'm all for it. It makes both the pro and college game better, and we find out in a hurry which guys were ready straight out of high school, and which guys probably never will be.

Plus, Harper won't have to sit on the end of the Nationals' bench next year, somehow making them worse; he'll be in Single A riding a bus from one hillbilly town to another. The Nationals can monitor his progress without hurting their big-league product. In the NBA, you're forced to give up a roster spot when you spend a high first round pick on a physically and emotionally immature youngster.

13. At what point is it fair to draw parallels between Homer Bailey and Brandon Larson? Both were first rounders who embarrassed AAA opponents, and both struggled mightily against the big boys.

14. I regard Kenny Mayne as a comedic genius, and yet I've never seen a single webisode of Mayne Street. Sentences.

End of words. I'm still waiting for the right opportunity to write about about Nurse Jackie. But it's coming. Believe it.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/22/09

My Friend Argues With Mean Old Lady

Craig argues with 70-year-old TJ Maxx employee.

Said employee is a female.

Podcast.

Listen.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/21/09

Do All Seven-Year-Olds Act The Way I Did?

Seven-year-olds do weird shit when they're alone. I mean, I did weird shit (and still do), so I imagine just about every other seven-year-old in the history of the planet is (or was) the same way. The difference is that seven-year-olds turn eight and nine and twenty and twenty-eight, and never tell anyone about the weird shit they used to do when they were children.

But some twenty-eight-year-olds have websites that feature podcasts.

And on said podcasts I occasionally tell embarrassing stories that often took place in my childhood.

And he we are.

Ordinarily in this space when I'm asking you to listen to a new podcast I give a brief description, but I'm choosing against that today. I'd prefer you just give four-and-a-half minutes of your precious time and listen to "Forgive Me...I Was Seven-Years-Old." Thank you.

And after you listen I'd like you to email me if you did something similar when you were a child; Craig didn't. I'm not necessarily looking for something bizarre that happened to you, I'd really just like to find out if this is the kind of shit normal children do when they're alone.

**********

Tomorrow. More than likely another podcast. Also, thoughts on Nurse Jackie, Artie Lange's appearance on Joe Buck Live and Bryce Harper's decision to drop out of high school.

Horny? I thought so.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/17/09

Did The Reds Screw Up Another Draft? Probably

In December the Reds signed reliever Mike Lincoln to a two-year contract worth $4 million plus incentives. I thought this was a ridiculous idea then (although I don't think I mentioned it until I posted my season preview), and it's looking like an unrepairable disaster now.

My reasons for disliking the Lincoln deal went deeper than he was below average in 2008. Words...

Before the 2008 season the Reds signed average-at-best journeyman Josh Fogg to a one-year, $1 million contract. I hated everything about it. The Reds were a long way from winning the 85-88 games necessary to be labeled a contender, and Josh Fogg wasn't the guy who was going to put the Reds over the hump. He wasn't particularly young, he had no upside and he was only here for one season. And even a highly unlikely career year (something like 14-8, 4.20 ERA) wouldn't vault the Reds into contention.

If I knew that, I'm guessing then-Reds GM Wayne Krivsky did, as well -- so why did they flat-out waste one million American dollars on Josh Fogg? You gots me...

And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking $1 million is nothing to a professional baseball team. To that...I say...you're crazy.

Sure, Reds owner Bob Castellini will make himself plenty of dough this season, but he's still working on a budget. And until asses start planting themselves in seats with greater regularity at GABP $1 million will continue to be a lot of money.

Which explains why the Reds just spent another draft with signability being more important than overall talent.

With the eighth overall pick the Reds selected Arizona State righty Mike Leake. He put up phenomenal numbers in a highly competitive conference, and yet he's better known for his control. His control! Not exactly what you want to hear about the guy you need to become a front-of-the-rotation starter in the near future. Sure, he was thought of as a consensus first round pick, and he might end up being a solid pitcher (or better), but he wasn't the top pitching prospect available. Far from it. That designation belonged to left-handed high schooler Tyler Matzek, who the Rockies plucked eleventh overall.

The Reds never pick guys like Matzek. Ever. They can't afford it. Often times they're Scott Boras clients with outrageous salary demands. And often times they fall to the Yankees or Red Sox, teams who (a.) pick at the end of the first round and (b.) have virtually no monetary restrictions.

It would be easy to call this sort of thing unfair, and, okay, it kind of is. But that doesn't mean the Reds (and other financially-limited franchises) can't get creative to level the playing field.

Let's revisit Opening Day, 2008.

The Reds were paying Fogg $1 million, Juan Castro something similar and Ryan Freel in the $3.5 million range (I think). And now that I think of it, David Ross was due well over $2 million. Individually, not a ton of money. But collectively, that's a small fortune to be paying players who -- even if they all approached their career-best seasons -- wouldn't make a dent in the Reds' fate (good or bad). They were role-playing journeymen, and only the richest of teams can afford to overpay for humans of this ilk.

Now rewind a little bit more to the the 2007 MLB draft.

With the 15th overall pick the Reds chose HS catcher Devin Mesoraco. He was far from a sure thing and playing the most impossible position to project. To this point in his professional career he's struck out 129 times and belted only two home runs. He's only fourteen months younger than Jay Bruce, stuck in Single A Sarasota and it'd be a small miracle if he ever plays one game at GABP. More than likely, Devin Mesoraco was a wasted first round draft pick. But at least he was signable!

At the same time the Reds were reaching for a signable high school catcher a dynamic high school pitcher kept getting ignored by teams who were afraid of Scott Boras. Behind David Price, he was the No. 2 pitching prospect in the draft, and considered to be a future ace. His name is Rick Porcello, he pitches for the Detroit Tigers and he's currently having his way with American League hitters.

He's 20-years-old, and the Reds coulda had him for the price of inconsequential nothings like David Ross, Juan Castro, Ryan Freel and Josh Fogg.

And right now he'd be sandwiched between Johnny Cueto and Edinson Volquez to form the best collection of young pitching talent in the history of the organization.

And to think, the Tigers, who grabbed Porcello 27th overall, only had to give him four years and $7.2 million ($3.5 guaranteed) with two one-year options (bringing the total of the contract to just over $11 million). In other words, chump change for a 20-year-old ace.

So, would you rather have Rick Porcello as a cornerstone of your rotation...or would you rather have Devin Mesoraco (toiling away in the low minor leagues) and one season (or less) of Ryan Freel, Juan Castro, Josh Fogg and David Ross?

(And Corey Patterson! I forgot about Corey Patterson! Somehow. He made over $3 million in '08 -- my argument continues to gain strength.)

See what I mean? Do you see how careless the Reds are when it comes to spending money, even though it seems like their hands are tied?

Yes, I know, it's frustrating.

Which is why I hate the idea of drafting a limited-upside pitcher like Mike Leake over Tyler Matzek, the endlessly talented high schooler.

Which is why the Reds shouldn't throw money at mammals like Mike Lincoln (especially when they're coming off a shaky season). Lincoln's 2008 statistics can be replicated by any number of arms in AAA Louisville...for league minimum. And even if I'm off base by suggesting that, I'd still rather have a minimum-wage disaster in my bullpen if it meant the Reds were going to spend more money on draft picks and international players.

Gimme Porcello over Mesoraco.

Gimme Matzek over Leake.

And stop spending money on underwhelming 34-year-olds.

Please.

Talent trumps chemistry in every sport, especially baseball. I'm pretty sure everyone knows this. But talent costs money, and the Reds are wasting theirs.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/10/09

Kelly? Jessie? Lisa? Think Again

6:52 A.M. Can't sleep. Angry with the universe, and rightfully so. After all, I can't sleep. This is one of the seven reasons you're allowed to be angry with the universe (email me if you'd like the full list). But anyway, instead of tossing and turning (an expression I've never actually used), I decided to do something with my day. I was going to be productive!

And productive I was.

You can say all the horrible shit you want about America, but let's face it: It's more than a little comforting to know that Saved By The Bell will be showing on TBS between the hours of 7:00 and 9:00 A.M. for the rest of eternity.

So, yeah, it was annoying to be awake before noon, but I was going to kick my day off with four episodes of Zack pranking Mr. Belding. Or four episodes of Zack convincing Screech to do something he shouldn't. Or four episodes of Mark-Paul Gosselaar pretending to be attracted to the creature who played Tori. Or four episodes of whatever. You get my point. It didn't match sleeping 'til noon, but it's probably the closest alternative that doesn't include the words "unprotected" and "intercourse."

Oh yeah, I consumed baked goods for this occasion. Baked goods were most definitely consumed.

Being that I was wide awake, I decided to have myself a little party. I paused my television before the 7:00 episode started and drove four minutes up the street to Dunkin' Donuts, where I hand selected two blueberry muffins, a banana muffin and a chocolate chip muffin (i.e., the gayest order imaginable). The woman absorbing my demands was shockingly Caucasian, and she coughed in her hand as she placed my treats in the rectangular orange and white box. White people are so rude.

Disease-ridden treats in hand, my decent little morning was set.

I breezed through the 7:00 and 7:30 episodes -- both of which I'd seen a couple hundred times -- before the 8:00 episode, "1-900-CRUSHED," drastically altered the course of my day.

Less than two minutes into the opening scene Kelly's little sister, Nicki, makes her lone series appearance. She was wearing a baseball cap, yet somehow it was flattering. And when she appeared sans cap in her next scene, my heart melted. I always thought the black chick (who is sometimes known as Lark Voorhies) was the hottest thing in Saved By The Bell history, and now she's just a silver medalist.

Congratulations, Kelly's little sister!

There's only one problem: The person I'm in love with is 14-years-old. I checked. Her name is Laura Mooney. She was born in 1976, and the SBTB episode on my television screen was filmed in 1990. Mathematics!

But is this really a problem? I was ten in 1990. Ten! She was way out of my league then. Hell, I didn't even have a league in 1990. I was ten. I didn't know what girls were. I was too busy stealing bottle rockets from my brother and shooting them at the dog across the street.

Anyway, what's the rule on this sort of thing? Am I allowed to watch a television program from my childhood and find underage girls attractive? I say YES, if only because I'm guilty in this situation -- and because Laura Mooney is now 33-years-old.

Somebody needs to come up with a few rules before I go insane (and/or Chris Hansen knocks on my door). I know you probably think I should come up with the rules, but my judgement is too clouded. I'm afraid my rules would be predictable:

1. Brad can look at whoever he wants.
2. Brad is never guilty.
3. Brad doesn't have to delete the episode in question from his DVR.
4. Etc.

Seriously, though, I need you to determine if I'm a dirty old man, because I'm more than a little conflicted. But before deciding if I'm the ultimate creep or not, I implore you to watch a chunk of the "1-900-CRUSHED" episode that's kept me awake for hours. Perhaps you will, as the kids say, feel me. Our friend Laura Mooney visits us at the 2:20 mark:

Feel me?

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/10/09

Stephen Curry's Surprising Putback

Stephen Curry --all 6'3 of him -- might be the most underwhelming athlete in the 2009 NBA draft, and yet he does this effortlessly:

Professional basketball players in America are the best athletes on Earth. Period. They have no competition. And yet I'm routinely faced with knuckleheads who disagree with that assertion.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/8/09

At Least He Wasn't Given An Unwarranted Multi-Year Contract!

Sometimes it's called elbow tendinitis.

Sometimes it's called shoulder stiffness.

Sometimes it's called mononucleosis.

I don't think it's ever been called AIDS, but the ends would justify the means.

So, Brad, what is it?

Relax, buddy, my explanation is coming.

It, in this case, is the injury/illness/syndrome Reds GM Walt Jocketty needs to assign Mike Lincoln, right before sending his bones to the disabled list.

Cubs 6, Redlegs 3.

I can't take this crap anymore.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/7/09

Jay Bruce's Struggling BABIP: Part Deux

Last night, first three at-bats...

1st inning: Smoked a line drive to deep right field, where it found the glove of a running Ryan Ludwick on the warning track.

3rd inning: Innocent two-hopper to second.

5th inning: Opposite-field smash that was hauled in at the left field wall.

As much as it seems like his first and third ABs are making my point about BABIP (and it does), his second at-bat does just the same. Did Bruce make solid contact on his 3rd-inning ground out? No, it was harmless. But he did make contact, and every once in a while those balls find holes (we call them "seeing-eye singles"). But Bruce hasn't found holes this year. And his soft liners haven't dropped in front of outfielders.

Perhaps to put Jay Bruce's poor luck in perspective we should take a look at Chris Dickerson: Last season he hit a luckiest-of-the-lucky .410 on balls put in play. This season he remains lucky at .318. Does anyone think Dickerson is in Bruce's stratosphere as a hitter? Of course not. Dickerson has very little power. And it's not like he's capable of magically placing the ball between infielders and in front of outfielders. He's simply been lucky.

Bruce is far from the perfect player, but with league-average luck you'd probably overlook his strikeout totals.

Two years from now you will be embarrassed you ever doubted Jay Bruce.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/3/09

Why All The Panic Surrounding Jay Bruce?

I knew it. I freaking knew it. Jay Bruce isn't struggling anywhere near as much as you idiots said he was. Before proving the doubters wrong, take a look at the moronic things I've heard over the last month or so:

1. Bruce should be dropped in the lineup.

2. Bruce should be platooning in right.

3. Bruce should be sent back to AAA Louisville.

4. Bruce laughs his way through Hurricane Katrina documentaries.

Okay, I made up the last one. Anyway, suggestions 2 and 3 are obviously stupid, and only No. 1 makes a bit of sense (when he's facing lefties, of course -- but I still wouldn't drop him)

Now the whole "I knew it" part.

Know anything about BABIP? It stands for batting average on balls in play. I'll try not to make your head spin with every nugget that goes into this valuable statistic (mostly because I don't understand every nugget), but here's the white meat: It helps determine how lucky or unlucky a hitter is by eliminating home run and strikeout totals (and I think rewarding sac flies) by only measuring (hello) balls put in play. Simply: Did it result in a hit or an out when Player X put the ball in play?

League norm is right around .300.

Jay Bruce's 2009 BABIP sits at .221, good for third lowest in the league. In other words, he's remarkably unlucky.

When I discovered that this morning, I immediately called my brothers and friends and threw the numbers in their face. I also screamed, "I KNEW IT!"

Their rebuttals had a lot of "Yeah, buts." Yeah, but he struggles mightily against lefties...Yeah, but his strikeout totals are still way too high.

Yeah, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about what percentage of the balls he puts in play turn into hits, and which turn into outs.

A few weeks back Jay Bruce went through an 0-15 spell that caused panic on local radio. But it was all nonsense. I watched a five at-bat sequence during that very same "slump" that included three fly-outs -- not to the warning track -- but to the wall. I mean, five feet in each case gives him 17 HRs before the end of May! That's Eric Davis in 1987 territory! Exclamation point!

Still not sold on the BABIP statistic?

How about Lance Berkman's 2002 season: The man they call Fat Elvis hit 42 HRs and drove in a league-high 128 runs; his BABIP was .302. He also threw up a .302 in '05 and a .300 in '07. For one of the consistently excellent hitters of the generation you'd expect more than league average in this category, right? Right? Wrong. BABIP doesn't discriminate.

Oh, I have more...

Manny Ramirez, 1998, right in the thick of his prime: 45 HRs, 145 RBI and...wait for it...a .296 BABIP. His batting average in '98 was only .294, but he wasn't slumping; he merely was semi-unlucky when he wasn't hitting home runs.

Alex Rodriguez's 2002 was off the charts, and yet he was slightly unlucky: 57 HRs, 142 RBI, .290 BABIP.

Albert Pujols has spent plenty of time on the unlucky side, as well: .292 BABIP in '06 (same year he hit 49 HRs and 137 RBI) and .298 in '04. And 2004's a good case study for Reds fans. That same season Adam Dunn had a .321 BABIP, and it contributed greatly to his .266 batting average, the highest of his career. The funny thing about Dunn's 2004 is that he struck out 195 times (also a career high). Which means his astronomical strikeout totals were offset (and then some) by his lucky season at the plate. I remember thinking after Dunn's 2004 that maybe he turned the corner. In reality, he was just lucky. That's why his BABIP was 23 points higher than Pujols, the National League's best player.

You get the idea. Nobody is bulletproof.

(A few things to clear up: I realize I called it unlucky for A-Rod, Pujols, etc., to hit around .300 on balls put in play, even though I called it league norm a few sentences prior. It is league norm, and even the best players aren't immune to having a sub-.300 BABIP. But the best players will generally hit well over the .300 mark. The reason is simple: The best players consistently strike the ball harder than average and below average players, and well-struck balls are more difficult to catch)

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I'm not sure why some of you are on Bruce's case, but hopefully the BABIP statistic will help. Just think of it like this: If Bruce's BABIP were somewhere around .280 (still below league average, but significantly better) his batting average would likely be in the .265 range and his RBI total would be closer to 40 than 30. Translation: This city would look like it was sponsored by Jay Bruce jerseys.

Besides, the naysayers are worried about the wrong stats with Bruce. Forget his struggles with lefties and his frustrating strikeout totals. Hell, stupid as it may seem, forget about everything we just learned about his unlucky BABIP, and focus on his power.

When Shaquille O'Neal was on the come-up, his detractors often said, "All he does is dunk." And I always argued, "Why not?" It's the most high-percentage shot in basketball; if you can dunk, why settle for a fade-away jumper?

Something similar is happening with Bruce and frustrated Reds fans.

They consistently bring up what he can't do (or hasn't done), and fail to recognize his otherworldly home run numbers. And home runs, as we all know, are far more important than singles or doubles.

Jay Bruce is 22-years-old. He's hit 35 HRs in less than 162 career games. He won't turn 23 until the first week of the 2010 season. So, figuring conservatively, he'll have around 60 HRs on the back of his Donruss before his next birthday.

Would you like me to put things in context? I thought so.

Lance Berkman didn't hit his 60th long ball 'til he was 26, and he's got a realistic shot at 450 for his career.

2006 MVP Ryan Howard averaged over 50 HRs the last three seasons; just like Berkman, his 60th HR didn't come until he was 26.

I could go on and on, but I'll leave you with this...

Current Reds wonderboy Joey Votto will turn 26 before the end of the season; he has 36 career HRs, one more than Bruce despite playing in 57 more games. This isn't to take anything away from Votto, who I'm sure is capable of walking across the Ohio River, but it does speak to how far ahead of the field Jay Bruce is.

Hitting 35 homers before playing 162 games is impressive. Doing it at the age of 22 is the height of impressiveness.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but Jay Bruce has exceeded expectations thus far. Barring injury, this guy's a superstar.

Don't think so? I'm taking bets.

Any takers?

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/2/09

Hi, Hello And Welcome: Part 1 (Still A Shithead)

Brilliant. That's the word George Grande just used to describe Mike Lincoln's 2008 season. I didn't get the memo, but brilliant, apparently, is synonymous with decidedly average.

Decidedly average. That's precisely what Mike Lincoln -- and his 101 ERA+ -- was last season.

Multi-year contract. That's what Walt Jocketty signed Lincoln to after his decidedly average 2008 campaign.

Key situation. That's where I never want to see Mike Lincoln making an appearance. Ever.

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Self-inflicted gunshot wound between my eyeballs. That's what I'm considering after Edinson Volquez exited Monday's American baseball contest with numbness in the pinky and ring fingers of his right hand. This is undoubtedly related to the back spasms that sent him to the disabled list a few weeks ago.

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Dinosaur. I want to be eaten by a dinosaur.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/1/09

Did You Say Scombridae?

Yeah, homeschooling is a great idea!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/1/09