SEE YA LATERS!!!

The MLB trade deadline inching ever so close and we are finally starting to see some player movement. Kudos to Wess for getting out in front of it and pretty much nailing the particulars of the inevitable Kyle Lohse trade. (Do yourself a favor and scroll down to read his Reds trade deadline report if you haven't already.) Hopefully the Redlegs will make more moves tomorrow. Until then, take a trip down memory lane and share a laugh about some recent Reds' deadline deals with the good folks at THE REDS ROCKET.

In other trade deadline news, Mark Teixeira was traded to Atlanta as part of a six player deal. Luis Castillo was traded from the Twins to the Mets. Does anyone give a shit? I sure don't. If it isn't a Reds game or the postseason, I'd rather watch two senior citizens bang than watch a baseball game. I'll leave the baseball talk to people who actually care (like Wess).

Now on to the trade that actually matters:

The Minnesota Timberwolves agreed to send Kevin Garnett to the Boston Celtics.

Now, I understand that to most of you it sounds completely ridiculous that I consider the MLB trade deadline an afterthought, but I am overjoyed about an NBA deal in July. Consider a couple things though. First, the NBA is a thousand times cooler than baseball. Secondly, a once in a generation player who redefined both the power forward position and the NBA salary structure, has instantly made one of the two most storied franchises in American sports history relevant for the first time since Larry Bird hung it up.

The Celtics will team Garnett (career 20.5 ppg, 11.5 rpg, 1.97 bpg) with arguably the league's best shooter who's coming off a career- best 26.4 ppg in 06-07 in Ray Allen (career 21.5 ppg) and the face of the franchise for the past decade in Paul Pierce (career 23.6 ppg). The three players, who have a combined 22 all-star appearances, have all been "the man" and more importantly, all three have already made their money. KG, Allen, Pierce have a combined career earnings of around $360 MILLION!!! Garnett will have his contract extended as part of the deal. Allen is owed $52 million over the next three seasons and Pierce signed a max extension last summer that will keep him in Celtic green through 2010-2011. Because they are all paid like alpha dogs they should all be able to leave their egos at the door. The only thing left for these three to do is win a championship.

You may not care about this trade or the NBA whatsoever right now, but you will. Trust me. Next June, when the NBA playoffs roll around and you are watching montages of Auerbach, Russell, Cousy, Havlicek, Bird etc. and the TD BANKNORTH GARDEN seems like the old BOSTON GARDEN, you will be talking about how much better the NBA playoffs are now that the Celtics are back.


OTHER THINGS:

Pac Man Jones has apparrently found an interesting new career that will keep him occupied while he's serving his suspension. How is it possible for one man to be so awesome? God, I hope he ends up a Bengal someday, but not as much as I wish I could have hung out with him and Chris Henry back when they were both at West Virginia.

Michael Vick is fucked. It sucks when you are the big fish that the feds are after. It was only a matter of time before the smaller fish rolled on him.

Now that football season is right around the corner, I thought I should let you know that it looks like TECMO BOWL is coming back!

Cam Carey just knows how to win (Cam@TwinKilling.com)

CINCINNATI REDS: 2007 TRADE DEADLINE REPORT

SHOPPING LIST:

1] Major league caliber power arms for the bullpen; must miss bats

2] Major league-ready catching prospect

3] Starting pitcher

4] Prototypical lead-off hitter



MUST GO:

· Kyle Lohse - '08: Unrestricted Free Agent

Summary: While inconsistency personified, Lohse has pitched extremely well at Great American Ballpark - which we know is no easy feat. Unfortunately, he's an unrestricted free agent after the season, and Scott Boras is his agent. There's little doubt he will be grossly overpaid starting next season with Fox Sports' Ken Rosenthal mentioning Lohse as the pitcher most likely to get a Gil Meche type deal this off-season. In other words, a mediocre pitcher with good stuff hits the lottery because there's nothing appetizing out there. Lohse may get in the neighborhood of 3-4 years at $8-10M per, putting him squarely out of the Reds future plans.

Bottom Line: As one of the top 5 starting pitchers on the market, Kyle Lohse has to be traded. Don't expect a "name" prospect in return, but do expect at least an intriguing AA arm.

Ideal Destination: Seattle finds themselves in the AL West race with Jeff Weaver and Horacio Ramirez as their #4 and #5 starters. Lohse would be a significant upgrade on both pitchers. Seattle has quite a few impressive prospects, but Lohse would certainly not bring the cream of the crop. An interesting return could be Julio Mateo, an effective reliever banished to AAA after an April arrest. An even more interesting return would be to try to combine Lohse and Weathers for AAA power-hitting catcher Jeff Clement. Not bloody likely.

· Jeff Conine - '08: Unrestricted Free Agent / Probable Retirement

Summary: With his best days in the rear-view mirror, and free agency looming as well as retirement, Conine's only real value for the remainder of the season is with a contender looking for a right-handed pinch-hitter and veteran leadership. A Conine trade should allow the Reds to promote sweet swinging Joey Votto from AAA and give him a look as a significant part of the team's future.

Bottom Line: As a free agent facing retirement on the heels of a distinguished career, Conine deserves a chance to go out with a contender. Don't expect anything more than a fringe prospect in return.

Ideal Destination: Mets, Padres, Brewers, Cubs. He could take over Julio Franco's old role with the Mets; or provide the Padres with a decent stick to bolster their bench; or give the Brewers a veteran leader on their talented young club; or provide the Cubs with a veteran bench player who has playoff experience.

· Mike Stanton - '08: $3M/ '09: $2.5M Club Option

Summary: It was fairly obvious that Stanton was running on fumes two years ago when the Yankees just flat-out released him in the middle of a pennant race. After a thoroughly unimpressive first half last season, the Giants traded for him at the deadline and were forced to use him to close out games in September after running through the rest of their bullpen. On the strength of that one good month at age 39, Wayne Krivsky signed Stanton to a two year deal with an option for a third. Not one of Krivsky's finer moments. With a 5.40 ERA and a 1.69 WHIP (walks + hits / inning pitched), Stanton has been a complete waste of millions of dollars. The Reds find themselves in a position where they can't trade Stanton for anything of value. In fact, the only way they can rid themselves of his services is to cut him and swallow next year's $3M salary, or try to tempt a contender into trading for him by paying a chunk of his salary.

Bottom Line: Coming up on age 40, there's simply nothing left in the tank here. Take whatever you can get for him, even if you have to pay a good portion of his salary next season. Bill Bray is ready to take over Stanton's role, and the Reds need to see if young lefties Mike Gosling and Phil Dumatrait have anything to offer for the future.

Ideal Destination: The Braves don't have a lefty in their bullpen. Perhaps they could use the old "veteran moxie" and "playoff experience." Expect a gatorade flavor to be named later in return.


EXPLORE EVERY AVENUE:

· Scott Hatteberg - '08: $1.85M Club Option

Summary: Hatteberg offers the Reds lineup something they have desperately needed: a professional hitter who controls the strike zone and makes consistent contact. With 39 walks against 25 strikeouts, Hatteberg controls the plate as well as any hitter in baseball. As Billy Beane knows, that's an extremely valuable skill for a contending ball club. The Reds' conundrum is that Joey Votto is knocking on the door to 1B, yet Hatteberg has a bargain option at $1.85M next season. Votto will need regular at bats, yet Hatteberg's production merits playing time. Unfortunately, both are left-handed hitters which rules out the traditional platoon arrangement.

Bottom Line: Keeping Hatteberg around next season would help serve one important function that the Reds have sorely missed since the '99 season: a strong bench. For years, the Reds have the weakest bench in baseball--which should not come as a surprise to you or them as they have had Juan Castro, one of the 20 weakest hitters in the 150 year history of baseball, as a mainstay. Throw in a waste of a roster spot like Chad Moeller, and it's a truly woeful late inning situation. On the other hand, sell high! Hatteberger is not likely to hit this well next season, and Votto is ready. We'll worry about the bench in the offseason.

Ideal Destination: One of the most laughable positions in baseball is the Yankees 1B situation. With almost $200M in payroll, including $20M in Jason Giambi, the Yankees have been running journeymen noodle-batters Miguel Cairo and Andy Phillips out to 1B on a regular basis. Phillips has hit over his head for a few weeks, but he's not the answer. Hatteberg would give the Yankees another professional hitter in the lineup and a steady, veteran presence at 1B. You're not getting rising phenom Joba Chamberlain in return, but AA pitcher Alan Horne would be a fantastic return. Not likely, but aim high.

· David Weathers - '08: $2.75M + Performance Bonus

Summary: As the sole dependable entity in the Reds bullpen, Weathers has been much more valuable than his expected role as "veteran mentor." By pitching around tough lefties, handling crunch time situations with an iron stomach, and staying away from the big inning, he has exceeded expectations this year. Weathers is a valuable late inning weapon as evidenced by his place at the top of all major league closers in saves over one inning in length. With a salary around $3M next season, he would be a bargain in a market where closers are hard to come by. All of which places the Reds in yet another conundrum: is he worth more to them than he is to a contender?

Bottom Line: Sell high! Weathers is unlikely to recreate his magic again next season, and he's sitting on the most trade value he has ever accrued in his 17-year career. Sure, that leaves us without a dependable arm in the bullpen, much less a closer. But the bullpen can be addressed with trade returns, off-season acquisitions, and the 2nd half performances of Eddie Guardado, Bill Bray, Brad Salmon, et al. If the rest of your roster is not ready to contend, you can't afford the luxury of sitting on a non-dominant 38-year-old closer when his return could help the next good Reds team.

Ideal Destination: I mentioned the package deal with Lohse to the Mariners for catching prospect Jeff Clement, but he could also be packaged to the Yankees with Hatteberg. The Mets have been rumored to be after Nationals closer Chad Cordero, but Weathers could be a more reasonable acquisition for them. The Dodgers, Yankees, and Tigers have also been looking for bullpen help. Expect a very good prospect in return. The Reds will not trade Weathers unless somebody makes it worth their while.

· Ryan Freel - '08: $3M / '09: $4M

Summary: A unique player in that his ideal role is lead-off utility man. If he's not getting on base at the top of the lineup, his bat is utterly worthless. Unfortunately, that has been the case more often than not in 2007. On top of that, his playing style leaves him more vulnerable to injuries as we saw with his 10th concussion last month. With another crowded outfield situation, Freel likely heads back to the utility role for the future. That role can be filled for much less dough with the poor man's Freddie Shanchez -- Jeff Keppinger, in addition to manager's pet Norris Hopper.

Bottom Line: Sell low? That's the problem. At this time last year, Freel could have brought home a good return. Is there a contender out there desperate for a lead-off utility man? The Braves have their own Freel in Willie Harris, or they would be the obvious choice. Cleveland would be another, but they traded for Kenny Lofton just now. This is not the ideal market for a Ryan Freel trade.

Ideal Destination: With Lofton going to Cleveland and Harris playing well in Atlanta, there are no ideal destinations for Free. Milwaukee has a dilemma with nucleus part and presumed lead-off hitter, Rickie Weeks, struggling through a wrist injury. But they've been able to plug Corey Hart into the lead-off spot and go with veterans Graffanino and Counsell at 2B.


MUST RECEIVE PREMIUM IMPACT TALENT:

· Ken Griffey Jr. - '08: $12.5M / '09: $16.5M

Summary: In the past few years, Griffey has been too injury-prone and contract heavy to deal. With the move to RF and an offensive boon since May, Griffey has gained significant trade value for the first time in years. Even better, his contract is reasonable from here on out as next year is the final year of the contract he signed with the Reds back in 2000. On the flip side, he's still seen by the front office and many fans as a Cincinnati landmark and a gate attraction. Expectations with many involved in the franchise have placed a pressure on Junior to finish his career with the Reds.

Bottom Line: Sell high! If you can. Junior is the most interesting trading chip the Reds have, but we all know he's a threat for a season-ending injury at any time. Nonetheless, as a legit all-star and a huge attraction, his power numbers are as good as anybody's since the beginning of May. Surely some team is interested in that package to put them over the top. Would the Reds deal him? Probably not. They're going to have to be knocked over with an offer to pull the trigger.

Ideal Destination: Unless the Tigers are willing to part with premium CF prospect Cameron Maybin, a Griffey deal is unlikely to happen. He's recently mentioned a desire to return to Seattle, but the Reds would ask for at least CF prospect Adam Jones and possibly more.

· Adam Dunn - '08" $13M Club Option (voided if traded)

Summary: One of the main problems with this Reds team is that the pieces don't fit well together and the style of offense is hit-and-miss. This goes hand-in-hand with another legit problem with the Reds' ability to contend the last few years; the lineup's best players come up just short of being the kind of superstar hitters you really want to build your offense around. This has been a persistent problem since Adam Dunn arrived on the scene, and he's been taking unfair blows from fans and media types ever since. In an era with a paucity of great nicknames, Dunn should have one to rival The Mechanical Man (Charlie Gehringer), The Wild Horse of the Osage (Pepper Martin), Sultan of Swat (Babe Ruth) Old Aches and Pains (Luke Appling), The Splendid Splinter (Ted Williams). Adam Dunn: The Cincinnati Fall-Guy.

Bottom Line: Any deal for an impact return is likely to be scuttled by Dunn's capability to void his '08 option if traded. Contrary to popular belief, the Reds are likely to pick up Dunn's option at $13M next year if he's not traded. If you're paying Junior $12.5, why not go to $13 for Dunn as a better bet to stay healthy and produce his usual 40+ HRs, 100 Runs and 100 RBI? We act like that production is easy to come by. It's not. If you trade players like Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr., you are giving away a lot more than just talent and top-notch production. You are giving up the chance to compete for the rest of '07 and all of 2008. That's worth a lot.

Ideal Destination: The Angels and Dodgers have been mentioned as possible partners, with the Angels being connected more to Paul Konerko and Mark Texeira. If the Reds could pry starting pitcher Chad Billingsly and outfielder Matt Kemp away from the Dodgers, they would have to consider it. Again, not likely.

-Wess

Update from Brad: Wess sent me the link to his rotoworld.com fantasy football guide and asked me to write up something nice--a reason to check out his expert opinion. The funny thing is--to the best of my knowledge--this was his first attempt at shameless promotion, something I thought was beneath him. Here's exactly what he had to say...

see if you can introduce my rotoworld rankings on the twinkilling site. Something like: "I know a lot of you play fantasy football. With drafts just around the corner, you may be tempted to do the 1990's thing and buy a magazine or two. Please keep in mind that twinkilling's own, Chris Wesseling, has contributed to Rotoworld.com's draft guide this year. Instead of forking out $10 for a magazine, try the much more impressively up-to-date, in-depth, and original work at Rotoworld for $14.95. (Then link to Rotoworld's Draft Guide). If you can word it better, please do so.

For some reason that just makes me laugh

Simple Man

That's all I am. A simple man. A simple fella with simple dreams and aspirations of immense intense complexity.

And right now, I have to say I'm really pleased with the way Twin Killing is coming along. Right now, I'm thinking I'm really glad Brad came to me asking if I'd want to help and get in on this. Also, I'm glad I got Valerie to hop on the wagon, and also that PJ and Kris are so willing to podcasts with me.

I got to meet Cam, who is actually a really funny guy, just like his bio suggests.
Haven't gotten to talk to or meet Wess yet, but he seems like a decent human being judging from what he just wrote here beneath me, and his podcasts with my cousin. And if Brad will vouch for him, that's good enough for me.

I think our TwinKilling team and supporters are solid, and you should all be looking forward to a lot of good stuff, both sports related, funny related, and everything else related.

--J. Spieser

Archives to Me...New Crapola to You

TwinKilling readers (all 981 of you),

Wess is working hard on new material. Honest, he is. In the meantime, take a moment to read something he wrote way back in 2006. It's his gripe(s) with ESPN, and you'll probably agree with everything he has to say. Well, unless you think Stuart Scott is a talented mammal.

Mildly exciting news: I've been planning on fixing ESPN for some time, so this seems like the perfect moment to interject my $0.02. I would expect that brilliance within the next 2-16 days. Anyway... kick back, relax and enjoy this piece of non-fiction from Chris Wesseling (yes, he has a name)...


This is a new age in sports and sports marketing. This is the 21st century in sports business where ESPN branches out from scores and highlights to bigger (though not better) ventures including making movies. One of the consequences, I believe, is a major step backwards in target audience.

This isn't the ESPN of 20 years ago or even five years ago. Now we have Sean Salisbury and John Clayton playing "fact or fiction" and John Kruk saying outrageous things just to be controversial. We have segments called "buying or selling" and even a segment with Screamin' A. Smith as the hard core, militant, black, new guard versus Skip Bayless as the conservative "things were so much better when" voice. ESPN's segments have been watered down to the point where not much is left beyond product placements and silly self-aggrandizing interviews sponsored by beer companies. At ESPN, shades of grey are for yesterday's sports fan. Following the example of Fox TV in the early 90s, ESPN now plays exclusively to the lowest common denominator -- the cheap seats.

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of intelligent sports fans out there. Many are well rounded, diverse, and come from a cross section of America. But I don't think they're the ones who are glued to ESPN eagerly awaiting "the truth" from Sean Salisbury or John Kruk in between watching two hot chicks peel each others' clothes off in a fight over beers. It's easy to sit through ESPN's programs and commercials as they put your brain to sleep, unburdened by anything resembling a thought.

I don't know about you, but that's not me -- as much as ESPN may want it to me to be. I'm no longer ESPN's target audience. I used to be five to ten years ago. In all of their programming ESPN is after a newer and easier target now. The “Now” audience is the hard-core sports fan who obsesses over ESPN. I'd say there is a significant difference between that species and the sports fan savvy enough to embrace subtlety.

I have little use for ESPN anymore. I do appreciate subtlety in my sports and certainly in my movies. And for the life of me, I can't see how anybody would watch a movie made by ESPN unless it was because they've been hammered by commercials convincing them they need to see the slop.

I don't want it to come across that I think I'm above sports these days, or that ESPN doesn't offer anything I want to watch. I still watch baseball and football games when they're on, and once in awhile I'll catch Baseball Tonight.

I'm from the Westside of Cincinnati. I still play softball two or three nights a week. I'm still known to put down a few tubs of beer and close the park on a regular basis. I'm in three fantasy football leagues and two fantasy baseball leagues. I probably buy 10-12 sports books per year. I guess my point is, I should be a sure thing as a target for ESPN as well as beer commercials. They should have no problem selling their products to me. The products already sell themselves as far as I'm concerned.

But I realized awhile back that, as much as sports (and beer) are a part of my life, I'm no longer the target audience for ESPN or the major beer companies. Theyre aiming beneath me. Why do all beer commercials make me feel like a blabbering Neanderthal just for being a guy? I realize I probably take the issue a bit more seriously than intended, but I don't think most guys realize the undercurrent running through sports, beer, and advertising that encourages men to act like the Neanderthals they naturally are not.

Honestly, I have a blast when I drink, and I do drink a lot (probably too much). In addition, I love playing and watching sports. But that doesn't mean I have to go to my favorite sports bar to watch the Big Game and even bigger commercials while ogling women who are nothing more than phony definitions of beauty. Surely this is the coveted American woman, right?

When I watch ESPN's commercials and the programming sandwiched between, I really do feel insulted that this is how they see sports fans. There are times when I sleep walk through the programming, but when I do wake up and realize the idea being hammered into my head, I feel like my IQ drops 50 points just for being a beer guzzling, sportsfan of a guy. And here's the part that gets me: I know that's not me, but they insist on making it me. I don't despise my oddness or my deviation from the ESPN obsessed fan or those things that make me, after all, me. I want to preserve those things.

Right now I'm trying to picture what I don't like about ESPN, and the picture in my head goes something like this: Stuart Scott is doing his best “Mark Jones in 1997” impression, rapid firing inner city slang even though we all know he's never been within a mile of a playground in his life. Next to Boo-ya! is some overly ambitious, starved for face time, cliché spouting recent college grad whose job it is to introduce football "expert" Sean Salisbury. Salisbury is already doing a 180 from the truth he laid on us last week. John Clayton, who would make Classy Freddy Blassie proud, is brought in to argue for five minutes with Salisbury. Isn't it fun to watch the 6'5" ex-jock who has never had an original thought cross his mind in all of his 40 years argue non-stop with the pencil neck geek? Here's how it goes:

"I'm right, you're wrong. No, I'm right and you're wrong. Well, you're a geek and what do you know about girls? Well you're an idiot ex-football player (this one couldn't be any closer to the truth)."

They're still bickering about whether Donovan McNabb is a black guy or not as we go to commercial. The commercial is for more ESPN programming later that night or that week. Next is a beer commercial with two hot chicks and, of course, two vapid, college age guys doing something really stupid to attract their attention. Next? Three straight commercials for Hu$tle. Then a couple more commercials starring the overexposed "high-upside" athlete du jour.

We're back. And now we have the Budweiser Hotseat with Clinton Portis -- otherwise known as another commercial. Dan Patrick soft tosses a few questions to Clinton about his "ride" and his "crib" just so we know we're getting an exclusive. If there's a difference between the segment I just watched and the "Leon" commercial I saw two minutes ago, it's beyond my ken. I'm not supposed to notice that Budweiser and ESPN just mocked the type of me-first, smack talking, scandal ridden self-promoter that they always turn to for opinions on the contrived controversy of the week.

Coincidentally, here comes Stuart Scott's interview with Warren Sapp, Deion Sanders, or Keyshawn Johnson. Afterwards, we'll turn to Michael Irvin and Mike Ditka for black and white analysis of the smack-talk. Irvin and Ditka take turns spitting at each other for five minutes. Ditka said something about not letting the players get away with it, and I couldn't understand a word of Irvin's diatribe.

More commercials…and finally a Top 10 plays segment with a lame headline attached to each one, such as "Bonds Away" or "Freel-ing Good" or "Roger That."

There's your Sports Center, sportsfans. Boo-ya!


-Wess (Wess@TwinKilling.com)

Mantle and Maris? Nope. Plant and Page? No chance. Martin and Lewis? Forget it. Maverick and Iceman? Pause.

Your eyes are not deceiving you, and no that picture is not photoshopped. Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Luke Perry, the two greatest actors and coolest white dudes of their generation, finally shared the screen during Sunday's episode of HBO's JOHN FROM CINCINNATI (a show that rules ass but is completely unexplainable). By creating the modern day DREAM TEAM, HBO secured me as a viewer for life and (presumably) forced TV's unable to handle the overload of awesome to explode. Not only are these the two most talented men to do a scene together since De Niro and Pacino in HEAT, but I personally love Gosselaar and Perry. Not in the way Brad Spieser loves Nick Van Exel or Carson Palmer (meaning I don't want to play tonsil hockey with them), but I will always appreciate them for being the two people who taught me how to get laid.

A man far wiser than I am (Socrates I believe) once said, "Look at what the successful guys are doing, and copy them until you develop your own style." At the time I discovered the fairer sex and was searching for a style of my own, SAVED BY THE BELL was on TV 70 times a day and BEVERLY HILLS 90210 was at the height of its popularity. The two most successful ladykillers on TV during my formative years were Zack Morris played by Gosselaar, and Dylan McKay played by Perry.

Like me, neither were jocks, (Zack was suppossed on the basketball team but his knee operation kept us from ever seeing him in action) and since I saw them reeling in whatever women they had chosen, I believed that by acting like them I could do the same. Depending on what the situation warranted, I would either be cracking wise and acting too cool for school like Zack, or acting aloof with a bit of a chip on my shoulder like Dylan. Looking back it seems utterly ridiculous, but at the time it was relatively successful and helped me come up with a blueprint for my own style. If it wasn't for them, I may have been forced to bite the style of Doogie Howser M.D. Knowing what we know now about Neil Patrick Harris, things in my life may have turned out differently.


OTHER THINGS:

Apparrently Matt Leinart's baby momma is bitter because he's isn't a very good father. I guess you can't really blame him though. After all, he's been too busy running through young hollywood to have time to parent. (He's been linked to Paris Hilton, Kristin Cavallari and Alyssa Milano.)

For those of you that listen to hip-hop, Pimp C of UGK called out pretty much everyone in the rap game. He even made reference to knowing about Russell Simmons and Ma$e being gay. For those of you who don't know who Pimp C is, he guest appeared on Jay-Z's Big Pimpin'. ("It's just that Jigga-man, Pimp-C and B.U.N.B.")

It's time to come up with a sweet Fantasy Football name. My league has banned profanity in our names, partly because in my first season in the league I named my team the Butt F#*&king A$$ Clowns. Apparrently that isn't work appropriate.

Cam Carey lacks explosiveness (7/26/07)

Michael Vick Faces The Dogs

Ha ha, pardon my terribly inappropriate pun, but it is about all I can do to keep calm over this.

Now that his situation with Michael Vick and the revelation of illegal dog fights is re-circulating, it only infuriates me all the more. Whether he was involved in it or not, this really does make me sick.

I normally don't talk about anything related to sports, but this is obviously a special subject.

Having said that, let me also say this-- I'm not a Michael Vick hater, nor am I a supporter. And it is as simple as this.

If he knew about it, if he let it go on, and especially if he took part in it, he should be suspended or banned. Barred from football until he full reconciles and rectifies his actions, and repents for his sins against life.

This isn't like Pete Rose betting on baseball, Pete Rose didn't have the lives of innocent creatures in his hands. Pete was out to make money. Greed. But he wasn't merciless. He should be allowed back in to baseball, in my opinion, after all that has happened, and all that has changed.

On the other hand, if Vick had no idea about the dog fighting or any other illegal activities that may have taken place on the properties owned by him and lived in by his cousin or other relatives, he should be let off and kept in the NFL, but should have it made clear to him that he needs to more closely monitor the events happening on his property.

I would podcast about this, but I think I might blow a gasket and go in to much more detail.
Blah.

UPDATE:
Here are links to ESPN Source and DeadSpin's articles on the matter. Fun. The ESPN Source article is especially disturbing.

--J. Spieser

Violence!

Johnathan has two new podcasts up to listen to on his page, and for download in the archives.

The first is from yesterday, a short piece about how people really do listen to podcasts and read blogs. Done with his friend PJ. Runs about Not longer than 5 minutes.

The second is about Violence in our world, and is a solo talk/rant. This one is about 15 minutes long, if not shorter.

DON'T CALL THE COPS!!! OR CHRIS HANSEN!!!

If you listened to Brad and Wess' most recent podcast, you would know that these two attempted to discuss the Cincinnati Reds. Unfortunately (depending on your perspective), they ended up discussing which underage girls they think are hot. We found out that Florida's Urban Meyer has a 17 year old daughter that Wess finds attractive, and that Brad has completely lost his mind. He compared FOURTEEN YEAR OLD Miley Cyrus to LEBRON JAMES as a high schooler!!! Obviously, this was in poor taste and I apologize for him. In the future, if any TWIN KILLING contributor ridiculously compares the greatest High School hoops player of all time to a fourteen year old girl, I promise she will be better looking than Hannah Montana.


Anyway, this weekend it was brought to my attention that Vladimir Nabokov and Kip Winger are not the only people who have ever thought about girls below the age of consent. I was questioned by both men and women concerning Brad's choice in schoolgirls, and I found it hilarious that EVERYONE could immediately name at least one teenager that they thought was other-worldly hot. Some of those mentioned have become A-listers, some have become trainwrecks and some have been all but forgotten. So here they are. Without further ado, I present the first ballot Jailbait Hall of Famers:


Remember boys and girls, it's okay to joke around and make lists. It's not okay if you go R. Kelly and start videotaping yourself peeing on teenagers.




ANNA KOURNIKOVA




Kournikova is the gold standard when it comes to the illegal. She was a world class athlete and model who looked as good on the court as she did in print. Combine that with the Russian accent and the world never stood a chance. Even though she never won a major singles championship, she has earned tens of millions in endorsement dollars, and recently inked a deal with K-Swiss even though she hasn't been on the WTA tour since 2003. Every attractive young female athlete who comes along is referred to as the "next Kournikova" to this day, much in the way the next big hoops star is billed as the "next Jordan."

Anna was so goddamn hot that Pavel Bure and Sergei Federov, two of the biggest stars in the NHL at the time were feuding over her while she was still underage. The then 28 year old Federov, a former NHL MVP who made a whopping $28 million in 97-98,(while Anna was 16) left himself open to public scrutiny by sitting with her family at her tennis matches. Think for a second about how insane that is. That would be like Kevin Garnett being romantically linked to pop singer JoJo but STILL showing up at her concerts with her mom anyway.



JESSICA BIEL





Jessica Biel is a true A-Lister. She has the Rock Star boyfriend, played the female lead in last weekend's #1 movie in America and she's on the cover of every tabloid mag under the sun. All of her current success makes it easy to forget the first time someone called you and asked "Do you know how old Mary Camden on Seventh Heaven is?" She's the reason that show ever took off, or that anyone that isn't my mom ever saw it. Thank god that show succeeded, because if it hadn't she wouldn't have felt the need to shed her good girl image by posing for this racy GEAR MAGAZINE photo spread in 2000.



JESSICA ALBA





Like Jessica Biel, she has parlayed her good looks into current A-List status. Unfortunately for her (and fortunately for us) she doesn't bring very much else to the table. Since parading around in her undies in IDLE HANDS at age 17, she's pretty much been typecast as the hot girl wearing little clothing. (i.e. HONEY, INTO THE BLUE and SIN CITY.) Since I don't see any statues in her future, she will likely bare it all in a few years when she has no where else to go with her career.



BROOKE SHIELDS





If Kournikova is the gold standard, Brooke Shields is the true pioneer. As if THE BLUE LAGOON wasn't enough, the 1980 Calvin Klein ads she starred in as as 16 year old would be pushing the envelope even today. (They contained the tag line "Nothing comes between Me and my Calvins." They were implying she wasn't wearing underwear, stupid.) For the record, every single person referenced Brooke Shields when this conversation came up.



AALIYAH





People seem to forget that Aaliyah was hotter than heck before a 2001 plane crash left her dead as a doornail. She was playing up her sexy even when she first broke onto the scene, naming her debut album AGE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER. R. Kelly wrote and produced all but one song on the album, and the two were rumored to be secretly married. (a report both camps denied). However, In 1995 VIBE magazine published a copy of the couple's marriage licence which falsely listed Aaliyah as 18 years old. The marriage was annulled a few months later. Looking back, everyone should have known that this would be a harbinger of things to come for the creepy R. Kelly. Either way, the ONE IN A MILLION VIDEO (which was shot just before Aaliyah turned 18) still holds up after 10 years.



ALICIA SILVERSTONE




Every red blooded American male between the ages of 25-35 will always have a soft spot for Alicia Silverstone. When she burst on the scene in 1993 it never even occurred to me or any of my friends that she may not be in her 20's. When we found out that she was OUR AGE we were flabbergasted! In the three Aerosmith videos, she was way too in control and way too self assurred to be the same age as the girls we were trying to get naked. She also started the trend of piercing your belly button by doing so in the CRYIN' video. The Aerosmith videos Silverstone starred in were so hot that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler kick started his daughter Liv's acting career by pimping her out and casting her opposite Alicia in the video for the single Crazy.



TATYANA ALI





From 1990-1996, THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR was guaranteed to feature some fine women. Hillary was ALWAYS fine, and Will always had a revolving door of dime pieces that included a young Tyra Banks and Nia Long just to name a couple. It wasn't until the end of the series' run that you started to notice that little Ashley done grown up! It was no longer about the older sister or Will's honey du jour. Ash was the showstopper. Some sick weirdo took the time to edit together a few scenes that featured Ashley showing a little skin.



BRITNEY SPEARS





Britney Spears entire career is basically based on the fact that she was a sexy teenager. Much like a rookie Dwight Gooden, when she showed up on the scene she kicked in the door and forced everyone to take notice. Everyone always knew that she was a no talent (Mark Cittadino excluded), but who knew she was SUCH a redneck ass. It's crazy when you remember what she used to look like.



LINDSAY LOHAN





Lindsay Lohan used to be insanely hot. She also seemed like she would be fun to party with. Now she is just a dumb cokehead who blew her career up her nose. She is going to be someone's bitch in jail.


Well, there you have it boys and girls. The inaugural class of inductees into the TWINKILLING DOT COM JAILBAIT HALL OF FAME. I'm sure I left a few worthy candidates out but who gives a shit. However, I would like to apologize for omitting any past or present member of The Oakettes and many of the former employees of Gannett Tel-Sel from 97-01. I know Brad and Murphy both still wish they could play "What Would You Do For $100."

If you can think of any glaring omissions, let me know at Cam@twinkilling.com

BIG HUGE IMPORTANT NEWS

Former NBA ref Mike Mathis is now the answer to the trivia question, "Who was Twinkilling's first podcasting guest?" The interview will go down tonight and it will be posted before midnight. The topic will be (of course) the NBA gambling scandal. Email me anything you'd like to have me ask him.

Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
7/23/07

TEEN STARS + RYAN FREEL = PODCASTING FUN!

1. There are actually TWO new podcasts, and neither are longer than four minutes.

2. I am not a pedophile!

3. TwinKilling.com will be down over the weekend. This kind of sucks, but it has to be done. When we open up shop Monday morning you will see that the layout looks much better. Plus we'll have added a wrinkle or two to the site. Trust me, this will add to TwinKilling's awesomeness. I think.

Go choke on something.

And email me podcasting feedback, goddammit!

Brad Spieser (Brad@Twinkilling.com)

First Ever TwinKilling Podcast!

Boys and Girls--please listen to podcast #1 (all you have to do is click on the gray tab that says "POD") and get back with me (and Wess)

In case you didn't know, this is a really big deal. This is the main reason I started this website, and for our first try I came away satisfied, not unlike the llamas on the "Future Hope" page, I suppose. Anyway, Wess and I discussed the state of the Reds for twenty minutes, but it just as easily could have gone an hour. We will resume talks Thursday night, and I hate you if you don't listen.

Two things...

(1) We don't yet have a theme song. Deal with it. A new one is coming. And soon. And if you have suggestions for a song, speak up.

(2) Wess--one of the five smartest people I know--twice used the made-up word "shooken" at around the 1:14 mark. That really happened.

Besides that, it ruled ass. Or something.

Please email me feedback. This was a nice start, but it's nowhere near a finished product.

UPDATE: Cam's post directly below this is actually newer than the podcast update, but didn't get top billing because the first ever podcast is slightly more important. BUT...his post is positively hilarioujavascript:void(0)
Publish Posts, and, um...100 percent true. Really, go effing read it...

Brad Spieser (Brad@Twinkilling.com)

THAT THING IS HUGE!!!

In honor of Brad's first TWIN KILLING DOT COM podcast, I'd like to share a little story with you...

A couple of weeks ago, Brad and I set out to do what was to be TWIN KILLING DOT COM's inaugural podcast. The NBA Draft was the same week that Brad started the site, and since we both religiously follow the NBA it seemed like a natural fit to do a Draft review. Normally, we would call each other 432 times during the draft to critique picks and crack jokes about how terrible of a G.M. you are if you draft a white center, but we wanted true reactions to our comments and jokes so we avoided all draft conversation until we got behind the mics and pressed record.

As anyone who has ever watched the NBA draft knows, The choice in attire by the draftees is every bit as interesting as the picks themselves. Of course, right off the bat Brad sets me up by asking about the suit choices and how they stacked up against previous draftees. Of course, I walk right into his trap and tell him that no one looked as bad as Karl Malone, (It's universally accepted that at the 1985 NBA Draft, Malone (see above) committed the biggest fashion faux pas in Draft history) but he cuts me off before I even get Malone's last name out of my mouth. He procedes to tell me that while watching old clips of the '85 draft earlier in the week, he was ASTOUNDED by the size of Karl Malone's junk. He claimed that his pants could hardly contain it, and that he had never seen a schlong so big in his entire life. Predictably, I begin laughing uncontrollably, we couldn't stop dicking around and the train came off the tracks. Fortunately, we screwed something up (shocker) and the podcast wasn't recorded. Hopefully now that he has ironed out the podcasting kinks, Brad can focus on coming up with sweet podcasts and stop fantasizing about Karl Malone's wiener or frenching Nick Van Exel and Carson Palmer. I think that would be best for everyone.


A few other things:

How insane is Michael Vick? Committing felonies (allegedly) that involve a "rape stand" used to hold dogs in place for mating, and modified treadmills for dogs just makes you seem like a creepy weirdo. Why can't he be like other athletes and commit respectbale crimes such as DUI, unlawful possession of a firearm, sexual assault or drug possession?

Speaking of insane athletes, apparrently the ass-whooping Rocky Balboa put on him in Rocky V left Tommy Morrison more brain damaged than any of us had previously thought.

Anyone who paid $20 to watch the final table at the World Series of Poker should stop what they are doing and immediately jump off the the first bridge or tall building they come across. I have LOVED poker my entire life, but if I never see another internet poker nerd on TV or hear a bad beat story as long as I live I will die a happy man.

It turns out everyone who claimed Dave Chappelle was either a crackhead or out of his mind when he abruptly walked away from Chapelle Show and $50 million was probably right.

Keep the emails coming regarding the NFL Futures bets. There have been some quality ones so far, most notably from John B. who penned a Haiku which included the line "Rex Grossman licks taint." That is what I'm talking about people!!!

Trampoline Fun!!! - 7/11/07

I need to remember that a slow day isn't an excuse for minimal posts. Which is why I searched the word "trampoline" on YouTube. I knew the bear video would pop up, but I kind of forgot about the record setting Chinaman. Either way, both of these videos rule ass. And yes, I had fun typing "Chinaman."







Podcasts are coming soon. I also have a daily Reds wrinkle planned; it should start tonight. This probably isn't exciting to you, and that's because it's not really that exciting.

By the way, why have so few people voted on today's poll? I mean, hell, when Local 12 does a "Should Pete Rose be in the Hall of Fame" poll--which is every other month--they get 60 billion votes. My point is this: Both poll questions are idiotic, so why vote for one and not the other?

I hate myself. I hate you more.

Brad Spieser (Brad@Twinkilling.com)

"Breaking" News! - 7/10/07

A few weeks ago I was bored, so I tried ruining a girl's appetite by showing her the video of the gruesome Shaun Livingston injury. I said to this girl, "Mom, come check out these pretty pictures of butterflies and rainbows." She was excited to see such beauty. Upon visiting the Mecca that is YouTube, I discovered that you can no longer view "Tim Krumrie 2.0." Believe me, I tried everything: "Shaun Livingston," "Shaun Livingston injury," "Shaun Livingston hurts his leg," "Shaun Livingston's leg hurts," Shaun Livingston will be the subject of an Outside the Lines piece very soon," and "Shaun Livingston is going to average 8.6 points per game in the NBDL five years from now." Really, I tried all of those and came up blank. I'm guessing David Stern had this footage removed from YouTube, with his line of thinking being something like "I don't want people experiencing joy at the expense of this unfortunate occurrence."

And that makes sense, I suppose. But it still sucks for the rest of us a-holes that have nothing to do all day. Until now.

I was just scouring Youtube for random injury videos when I stumbled upon one titled "Shaun Livingstone injury." One extra letter means countless pleasure (or whatever) for the blog world. I doubt the shitty speller knows that he's responsible for this, but goddamn, I'd like to shake his right hand.

Without further ado, the video I thought didn't exist...




Brad Spieser (Brad@Twinkilling.com)

Idiots Write About Cincinnati

I used to throw out sports opinions all the time, remember? Do you miss those days? If no, go swallow a shotgun (or whatever). If yes, awesome. Really awesome.

Anyway, a handful of words have been written recently--both locally and nationally--about dudes who play for teams that I cheer for. And they were stupid words. Follow me...

Last week, ESPN.com's Jeffri Chadiha wrote a 'nothing is going on in the football world, I need to come up with something before deadline' column. Chadiha's idea was to list the ten players that teams can't win without. Somehow, he decided that chaps like Brian Urlacher and Antonio Gates were more valuable to their team than Carson Palmer.

Now, Urlacher and Gates are monsters, no question, and I usually try not to let silly columns like this rile me up...BUT, this is preposterous. Here me out...

If Urlacher went down with a skull injury tomorrow, his replacement would step in and be protected by Tommie Harris, Alex Brown, Adewale Ogunleye, Mark Anderson, Charles Tillman, Nathan Vasher, Mike Brown and maybe Lance Briggs. That's still a top seven defense.

As for Gates, if he injured his spine on a whitewater rafting trip, his backup would step in and block his ass off for Tomlinson and Michael Turner. And the defense would still be stacked. With Gates, San Diego would have a chance at a 14-2 campaign. Without? They'd still be 10-6 or better.

With Palmer, the Bengals should have a chance to contend for a title for the foreseeable future, and should be a mainstay in the playoffs. Without him, this is a 5-11 bunch (7-9 tops), especially with Doug Johnson being the current backup.

Jeffri Chadiha is a stupid idiot.

Another stupid idiot is John Fay of the Cincinnati Enquirer.

Over the weekend, John Fay wrote a Cincinnati Reds Midseason Report, and he rated the top five offseason moves.

How can this guy possibly justify any move being better (or more important) than bringing in Josh Hamilton? Really, I would love Fay to answer that question. And I would still ask that question even if Alex Gonzalez had zero errors this season, as opposed to the fourteen he's produced thus far.

Josh Hamilton might be the reason the Reds win in the future; Gonzalez is just a guy that plays the position between second and third.

I care about the wrong things.

UPDATE: Wess's page has been updated. Sort of. So check it out, America!

Brad Spieser (Brad@Twinkilling.com)

GOD BLESS THE GAMBLERS OF AMERICA - 7/10/07

I never thought it was possible, but Phil Hellmuth is no longer the world's coolest poker player. That title now belongs to Erick Lindgren, a man that could easily dominate the Tour de France in a goddamn wheelchair.

Watch these videos (or at least the top one) I found at pokernews.com



The aftermath...


Here was my favorite part from the article:

"Reportedly, an issue came up during the third round questioning what would happen if Erick shot exactly 100 in any round. The two parties realized they could not come to an agreement on the issue, and agreed that if Lindgren shot exactly 100 in any round, they would flip a coin – for the whole $300,000+. Gamblers indeed."

I'm jealous.

Brad Spieser (Brad@Twinkilling.com)

Brad: "THIS IS WHY I NEED MY OWN PUBLIC ACCESS SHOW" - 7/10/07

The first minute is kind of slow, and there's an unfortunate 'N' bomb around the 4:00 mark, but this is funnier than almost anything you'll see on network television.

Brad Spieser (Brad@Twinkilling.com)

Dan Patrick Leaves ESPN, Does Anyone Care? - 7/8/07

Here's to hoping Stuart Scott, Skip Bayless and Linda Cohn are next...

Brad Spieser (Brad@Twinkilling.com)

Just Like That, Again - 7/8/07

BREAKING JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS NEWS!




Well, maybe not. But goddamn do I wish this guy would go on a heroin binge.

Anyway...

(Clearing throat noise)...As you can see, TwinKilling.com has recently undergone a surgery or twelve (and to think, it was just one week ago when this crappy-looking site broke the firing of Jerry Narron), and we have at least a thousand more surgeries in store. Believe me, we're working hard to turn this into a righteous website. Just as I suspected, I've found that this ain't be being a quick and easy process. Just as I suspected, I'm woefully behind in the category of, um..."computer stuff." No excuses, though, but I will ask you to be patient until we figure out exactly what works.

Until then, you can vote on the daily poll, check out the respective pages of the TwinKilling crew (including new addition Val!) and enjoy my sporadic posts about things like the sexuality of video game characters.

Stay tuned. Tell your friends. Also, touch me there.

Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)

BOOM GOT THEM THO!!!

Aside from outdoor drinking and women showing a little tanned skin, I hate everything about summertime. I'm pasty as hell so I can't spend extended periods in the sun, the Reds have been miserable for almost a decade, I'm too old to still be going to Warped Tour and Scribble Jam and I'm a degenerate sports gambler with nothing to gamble on. ( I gave baseball, the WNBA and Arena Football a shot but it just wasn't that fun.) Since nothing exciting is going on, I've been spending an exorbitant amount of time on the interweb. I'm fairly certain I've read every blog that has ever been written. Fortunately, this has led me to my new favorite athlete, Rod Benson.

You may not know of the 6'10 Benson, who played his college ball at Cal and is currently on the Memphis Grizzlies summer league roster. According to Henry Abbott of True Hoop, "The NBDL's Rod Benson is the black Paul Shirley, I guess: minor league talent, major league humorous writing skills." He is an entertainer and a self proclaimed renaissance man who also happens to produce one fantastic blog. Here is a sample:

This is Benson interviewing one of his boys before he goes on a date...




...And a music video with an explanation:

I coined the phrase “Boom got them tho”. Loosley translated, “Boom got them tho” means nothing at all, but in a way, it means so much. It could be like a “Got the job done” or “Good job” or even “In your face!” The point is that it is awesome because it is almost always applicable.

Just a disclaimer, this is not intended to be real music by real musicians. Just consider it a video form of my blog -- to a musical beat. It features: Luke Jackson, Brad Buckman, BJ Elder, Corey Williams, Jamar Smith, Kris Clack, Dontell Jefferson, Ryan Anderson, Quemont Greer and more. Go ahead and take a look.



This dude is probably fun to party with.

TWO VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS - 7/5/07

1. Why don't tennis players scream "FUCK" during competition? Since I have no idea, I'll show you a questionable image I found while trying to locate a picture of an angered tennis player...

2. Is Don Flamenco a gay? He certainly punches like a gay, don't he? Come to think of it, he might be the one guy who wouldn't be afraid to fight Tommy Morrison. I smell a $100 Pay Per View...

Email me at Brad@TwinKilling.com if you have the answers to these questions.

--Brad Spieser

He Didn't Take Long To Piss Me Off! - 7/3/07

"Hello Cincinnati. My name is Pete Mackanin and I'm a stupid dummy."

Do you realize that the dickhead pictured above decided to leave Josh Hamilton out of Tuesday's lineup in favor of Ryan Freel, aka Captain Overrated? Let's see, Hamilton didn't play Sunday, and had an off day Monday, so he obviously didn't need rest. Plus, Hamilton's a talented player with a bright future; a guy that needs at-bats. Freel? Well he's just an annoying gaywad that dives for every ball in the outfield; a guy who seems to take great pleasure in being called a "sparkplug." There's a difference.

Listen up, Pete Mac: You're only keeping the seat warm for the next asshole--anything short of winning fifty in a row means you'll go back to scouting 6'3 left-handers from Santa Monica Junior College (with good zip on their fatsball). I guess what I'm trying to say is PLAY JOSH HAMILTON! Now. Play him until he falls over. Play him until he reverts to the pipe. Just friggin' play him. I need a reason to watch these jerk offs.

Josh Hamilton is the hope for the future; Ryan Freel is merely a 31-year-old employee of the Cincinnati Reds. There's a difference.

Brad Spieser
(Brad@TwinKilling.com)

Listening to Music Can be a Neat Experience! - 7/3/07

LISTENING TO MUSIC CAN BE A NEAT EXPERIENCE!

I'm generally awake at 3:30 a.m., and--occasionally--that's a great thing, mostly because of what you can find on the television. For example, last night I watched a Laguna Beach (season one, the height of the Kristin-LC duel!) marathon on some channel called Noggin; these things sometimes happen during the day, but not nearly as frequently as overnight. I mean, I just checked to see what Noggin was airing this afternoon, and I was smacked in the face with an episode of Blue's Clues. But anyway, the better-stuff-is-on-overnight rules apply even more when the subject is music. Think about it, when was the last time you saw a cool band rocking hard on TRL? That's what I thought. And those assbags Fall Out Boy don't count as a cool band, although that "Dance Dance" song was all kinds of sweet. Anyway...

Sometime in the area of two months ago I was channel surfing in my bed, and it was way past 3:30. I seemingly flipped through every goddamn channel before stopping on MTV2. The reason I stopped was a song called "Flathead," by some boys named The Fratellis. I thought, "That's a nice sound. Woo." Then I went to bed. The very next night, same thing happened, except my "woo" turned into a WOO! (or something). Upon wake-up, I bought their album, Costello Music, and haven't stopped listening. I even had a moment of gayness and bought one of their T-shirts! I guess what I'm trying to say is that they're kind of decent.

And then, two nights ago...same time, same channel...

I was watching a live, unplugged three song performance by the Fratellis on a show called Discover and Download, and my level of fandom instantly reached new heights. Check this and tell me if I'm crazy. To me, unplugging has never been this fantastic, not even by Nirvana or LL.

And you know what, those dickheads Hinder will sell approximately 80 trillion more albums than The Fratellis. The lesson: Teenagers are fucking stupid.

--Brad Spieser
(Brad@TwinKilling.com)

Foreplay Daily News - 7/2/07

Very soon (like forty seconds from now), you will be asking yourself questions like, "Did I stumble upon a softcore pornography site?" My answer to that question is both simple and complex: No...unless it brings in some cash, then all bets are off. Who knows, I might become the Wally Balls of the online community! But really, posts like this aren't likely to become the norm. Then again, you're currently viewing a page that doesn't have much going for it. Anyway, you might want to know what the hell I'm talking about, so here goes.

But first, an important note: I find the following post to be far more newsworthy than the termination of that redneck Jerry Narron. I would say the ability to choose what you think is important is among the best reasons to start a website, right behind the money and chicks, which is the true goal here.

Okay, enough with the foreplay...

I'd be willing to bet that 90-95% of 12-year-old males in this country have no idea who Rebecca Gayheart is. And that's fine, because she's 35, and she hasn't really been relevant since the 1990's. And she wasn't that big back then, either. But, for chaps in my age range (I'm 26), we all remember when she captured our hearts (weiners) when she starred in several Noxema commercials in the early-mid 90's.

Like I said, Gayheart hasn't been an A-Lister (not to be confused with Alton Lister, the crappy, vagabond NBA center) in some time, thus moving off my radar. That said, I perked right up when my buddy Cam alerted me to THE BIG NEWS (relatively speaking). And that is? Rebecca Gayheart recently took off her shirt for some length, and some weasel was right there to capture the evidence. I'm guessing that--after snapping his fingers to the bone--he scaled down the tree, adjusted his Dockers Relaxed Fit Khakis and informed the fine folks at The Superficial. This is a good thing, because my life is horrible, and you're probably in the same boat. Anyhow, how 'bout those pictures? To blatantly rip off Tony Kornheiser, Rebecca Gayheart...still gettin' it done. (Note: I'm pretty sure Kornheiser only said that when speaking of gals over the age of forty. But whatever.)

Other stuff...

The next goal of TwinKilling.com is to get podcasting up and running. It isn't unrealistic to expect that to go down before the end of the week. This will allow me to cut down on my writing and focus on my true love (or whatever).

Other things on the horizon include bios for the TwinKilling "staff," and a more professional looking page design. I also need to find out how to post a daily poll. The reality is I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. And I know that's not a YOU problem; that it is--in fact--a ME problem. I'm still learning on the job, people, but at least I'm committed to doing so. One day soon, I can promise the goods. Or at least the decents...

--Brad Spieser
(Brad@TwinKilling.com)

See Ya Later Narron! (And Good Riddance!) - 7/1/07 through 7/2/07

It happened. Finally. Jerry Narron is out as the manager of my beloved Reds. Also, TwinKilling.com had this information first. Tell your friends. In the meantime, check out my Reds column from last week.






UPDATE:

TwinKilling.com was the first outlet to report the firing of Reds Manager Jerry Narron, and there isn't a soul in this world who can dispute that. And since I'm not dumber than Chainsaw and/or Dave, I'm fully aware that yesterday's news doesn't matter. Translation: new crap is on the way. And soon.
Prepare for awesomeness...


--Brad Spieser
(Brad@TwinKilling.com)

We Are The Killers - 7/1/07

I am Woodward. I am Bernstein. Also, we are Marshall. But anyway, I'd like to thank everybody for checking out my soon-to-be righteous website. I'd also like to give a middle finger (or three) to all of the jerks who claimed I was full of the bad stuff. Bastards. How dare you question the credibilty of a website that features little-to-no content, and a giant picture (since taken down) of Andre the Giant and his anti-Dylan McKay sideburns? I mean, who can you trust, if not the Giant? Regardless, let us not forget that this be the place that first reported Narron's termination. Also, prepare yourself to be reminded of such information between 8 and 1,355 times over the next four days (this is because I really enjoy saying "I told you so").

Kids, I wouldn't expect TwinKilling.com to first report the next terrorist attack or anything (although I had a dream about dynamite, Gatlinburg and the Fourth of July, so keep your fingers crossed), but I will tell you this: this is not a tabloid. Tabloid literature is gayer than my cousin Barry. Really, that is not the way I roll. BUT, for those who aren't familiar with my work, I can tell you this site will feature daily podcasts, and semi-witty blogs about anything and everything (including the Reds!), so stay tuned. As I've mentioned before, it won't be long. And this time I mean it.

Also also, am I the only guy who wanted Narron to get the boot simply because of his hillbilly accent? Seriously, had he sounded like you or me (aka normal people) I might be sympathetic towards a fellow that just lost his job. I'm just happy that I no longer have to listen to Narron--with that accent--talk about Freely or Dunner. That's all for now. Keep the change, you filthy animals.

One more thing: If you want to drop a line (or offer a suggestion), you can do so at Brad@TwinKilling.com

--Brad Spieser

The First Days... - 6/27/07

Hello boys and girls. My name is Brad Spieser. This is my website. It will dominate the universe within the next 2-680 days. I promise. I've gathered a group of talented Americans to join me on this mission. Very soon, twinkilling.com will be the place to go for funny and insightful sports/pop culture blogs, top notch (that means good) daily podcasts, and probably enough nudie pics to give Grandpa a heart attack. Or maybe not. Either way, we've been working hard to come up with original ideas to change the face of the World Wide Internet. Actually, we just want to say we have a website, which may or may not lead to HOT GROUPIE ACTION. The way I see it, we have a chance to be like Better Than Ezra, circa 1994. Stay tuned for more updates. It won't be long.

--Brad Spieser