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2010 Ohio State/College Football Preview! Neat-o!

2010-09-02T08:26:00.001-07:00

I tried to try on Monday, but I was fooling myself.

Tuesday showed promise from the outset, but Tuesday morning quickly turned into Tuesday night, and this particular Tuesday night revolved around observing the oddities of karaoke culture (of which there are many). This happened in Henderson, Nevada.

I was unstoppably ambitious on Wednesday until I was sucked in to playing about eighteen games of heads-up poker with my roommate (a gentleman who was once sponsored by an obnoxious poker website; I lost $70).

And now it's Thursday morning on the west coast (hey, if every other dipshit on the planet is going to call Nevada the west coast, I may as well conform), and I still haven't written an Ohio State/college football preview.

Should I be ashamed? Probably.

Am I? Actually, yeah.

Considering this is my first post in 90 days, is there any chance it will be worth a crap? Let's give it a whirl...

First, the Ohio State stuff:

1. If I hear another effing word about Terrelle Pryor's "extraordinary performance" against Oregon in the Rose Bowl, I'm going to throw away my sister's My Little Pony collection and laugh in her face while she cries.

I get it: He played pretty well. But a 23-37, 266-yard performance (72 rushing yards, sacked 4 times) doesn't tell me that the light has come on or that he's finally living up to his superstar billing.

(Again: Pryor played a nice game in the Rose Bowl; unquestionably his finest hour with the Scarlet and Grey. But completing 62% of your passes -- and needing 37 attempts to gain 266 yards -- is cause for optimism, not promotional campaigns)

Pryor is getting better, and he's clearly the best quarterback on the team, but to think he's presently one of the top 50 players in the nation at this point -- or a genuine Heisman contender -- is patently ridiculous. The guy is so inconsistent, has no accuracy or timing on those all-important 20-yard passes over the middle and -- as I've stated before -- he's not the most instinctive guy on the block (especially as a runner).

Look, I find him to be a likable guy, and he's a good leader and the quarterback of a team I believe will be undefeated heading into 2011. But he's not there yet. Most importantly, he hasn't shown anywhere near the promise to be the odds-on favorite to win the Heisman (which somehow he is).

Ohio State has a great chance to win the national championship, and Terrelle Pryor might be the team's MVP, but he's not carrying this team on his back. And if he does, I'll be the first to tell you: I knew it all along (insert laughter from live studio audience).

2. I hate the backfield situation. Brandon Saine has lousy feet and Dan Herron is average at everything except being tripped up as he appears to be entering daylight (he's great at that). The diehards love to make excuses for these guys (especially Saine). I spend most of my days reminding the diehards that Saine and Herron are seniors, and with runningbacks you generally know from the beginning. Herron and Saine aren't terrible, but they're not ideal options on a championship-caliber sqaud.

3. Losing academic casualty WR Duron Carter was a direct punch to the face. For one, the guy was the most talented wideout on the team (remember, he was targeted on the most critical pass of the USC game). For deux, this receiving corps is painfully thin. Junior Devier Posey is a stud who might bolt after the year, and Dane Sanzenbacher is more than just the steady, reliable white kid he's been branded. After that............Jesus. Who knows. I'm sure most other coaches would chop off their pinkies to have OSU's stable of wide receivers, but again, this team is loaded, and good enough to cut down the nets (or whatever)...and having the forgotten (and never highly regarded) Taurian Washington as the No. 3 WR -- the same position Santonio Holmes and Anthony Gonzalez once held -- doesn't make me do cartwheels when I wake up. Which leads us to...

4. The obligatory mention of tight end Jake Stoneburner's increased role in the offense. It's unlikely to happen, but it should. Stoneburner is a super-athletic giant who thinks of himself as a tight end. I'll never forget watching his high school highlight tape, thinking, "Damn, Tressel's been searching for his Kellen Winslow ever since January 2003 and he finally found one."

Stoneburner's now a third-year sophomore with two career catches. I'm positive that Jim Tressel is qualified to head a college football program, but I'd like to see him step out of the 1930's and let Jake Stoneburner spread his wings (or whatever).

Blocking is important, no question. But Jake Stoneburner isn't a glorified offensive tackle, like so many tight ends before him under Tressel. Stoneburner's true value is up the seem, wreaking havoc on overmatched LBs and safeties. Protecting Pryor's blindside is endlessly important, but it should be done by players who are, you know, good blockers. Let the NFL teach him a three-point stance.

4. The offensive line. Blah. They will be fairly steady and occasionally frustrating. In other words: They'll be the best O-Line OSU's had in years. Let's move on before I say hurtful things about O-Line coach Jim Bollman.

5. Assuming Nathan Williams is healthy, this has a chance to be the best defensive line in the country. I honestly feel -- and I know this is the kind of comment that can and will be thrown in my face in three months -- that between established star Cameron Heyward, fast-rising meathead John Simon and on-the-verge-of-a-holy-shit-where-did-that-come-from-12-sack-season Nathan Williams, my Buckeyes possess three guys on their defensive line who could be All-Americans this year.

I love watching Williams come off the edge so much that, when Thaddeus Gibson decided to forgo his senior season, I was genuinely happy about it. Gibson was good coming off the edge, but Williams is better. He's meaner too, and maybe a better athlete. I've been a sucker for that guy since he unexpectedly became a valuable pass rusher as a true frosh. The opportunity is there, and I'm 100 percent convinced he'll seize it.

The stories about John Simon are hilarious. Apparently all this dude loves to do are lift and play football. Generally speaking, cat-quick 270-lb. defensive tackles end up at smaller schools -- maybe even Wisconsin or Iowa -- but never Ohio State. Ever. Same thing with do-it-all 5'10 quarterbacks, but that's a story for a different day. Anyway, players with Simon's measurables usually end up causing all sorts of trouble for lumbering offensive lines (like the ones OSU seemingly always have). But now...Ohio state has one of their own, and he's a goddamn beast. When you consider how good he was as an undersized true freshman DT (only three teammates had more tackles-for-loss), and how much he loves what he's doing, it wouldn't surprise me at all if he earned 1st-team All Big Ten.

6. The seniors who play linebacker, Brian Rolle and Ross Homan aren't Hawk and Carpenter, but they're better than Lauranaitis and Freeman. Don't believe me? Well, I have facts to back it up. Actually, I don't have facts to back it up, but I really like Rolle and Homan. And let's say this duo has roughly the same talent as that duo, I'll take Brian Rolle and Ross Homan for no other reason than Rolle plays with a mean streak and pumps up his teammates (which the workmanlike Lauranaitis/Freeman combo never did).

As for the other starter, junior (JUNIOR!) Andrew Sweat is talented enough to win the Butkus Award in 2011. I mean...obviously that's not going to happen. But every garbage-time minute he played last year impressed the hell out of me. Big, fast, instinctive, blah, blah, blah. More importantly, he looks like an elite Ohio State linebacker.

I'm not selling on Etienne Sabino, but I'm pretty sure Tressel made the right choice with Sweat.

7. I should probably write about the Tyler Moeller story, mention Jermale Hines, Devon Torrence and Chimdi Chekwa in some capacity, and reveal my growing concern of defensive backfield depth, but...oh wait, I just did.

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I don't know if Ohio State will win the BCS Championship, but I'd be a little surprised if they didn't make it there. Pryor's progression + dominant defense + Jim Tressel knows what the hell he's doing = a team that is markedly better than anyone on the schedule (including Miami, who's in line for an eye-opening beatdown next weekend).

I'm expecting a lot of 38-7 and 24-0 scores this year. The Buckeyes will likely lead the nation in scoring defense, and with Jim Tressel leading the team every week, that's a great recipe for an undefeated regular season, which I fully expect. Give me a month before I decide if Pryor is ready to face Alabama (or whoever) on 4th and 6th with 2:15 remaining, down a point and 60 yards from field goal range. I'm not yet convinced that he won't crumble under pressure. I'm hopeful, but not necessarily optimistic (if that makes any sense).

I like sports!

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Around the Nation (or something...

Alabama RB Mark Ingram is the returning Heisman winner, and yet he's not even the best back on his own team. That designation belongs to sophomore Trent Richardson, who reminds me of a faster Emmitt Smith -- and yes, I realize I just compared a backup college RB to the NFL's all-time leading rusher.

All I can tell you is what I see. And what I see is a perfectly built (5'11, 220 lbs.) monster with otherworldly feet and the burst to match.

For the record, Mark Ingram is an absolute animal. He's Rudi Johnson 2.0, and there ain't nothing wrong with that.

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And as much as I love Richardson and Ingram, neither are as good as Virginia Tech sophomore Ryan Williams. They're all close, I suppose, but I like Williams the best. I've seen him caught from behind a little too much, but he's close to perfect in every other aspect of running the football.

This is going to be a special year for runningbacks.

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While we're on the topic of special runningbacks, Penn State's Evan Royster comes to mind...mostly because he's the most overrated player in college football (and has been for a few years). He runs stiff and possesses lousy feet. I still can't believe he's about to become Penn State's all-time leading rusher.

He's not a crappy college runner, but he's not an elite prospect like most seem to think. His draft stock will fall one day very soon. Consider Royster the Jonathan Dwyer of 2010, and prepare to hear me say I Told You So an awful lot.

(Note: The great Phil Steele lists Evan Royster as a better pro prospect than Ryan Williams. In a few short months -- and especially in a few years -- you will understand how laughable that is.)

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Georgia's AJ Green is once again the best WR in the country. I say "once again" because that was the case last year, and may have been the case two years ago (but probably not). Some might not think I'm making a bold statement here, however...when the very respected College Football News continually rank Alabama's Julio Jones as not only a better college player, but a better NFL prospect, I slam my head against the friggin' wall.

Do scouts feel the same way? Is it possible that everyone else isn't seeing one of the rare WR prospects who warrant a top-5 selection? AJ Green is big and smooth with ridiculous hands and, for my money (and I swear to everything holy I believe this)...he's in a class with Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and nobody else when it comes to playing balls in the air.

If you gave me 6/1 odds on AJ Green making the Pro Football Hall of Fame, I'd jump all over it (assuming he stays healthy).

If you pressed a gun against my temple, I'd tell you pretty quickly that AJ Green is the best player in college football.

If you asked me what's my favorite food, I wouldn't tell you eggs (although I enjoy eggs very much).

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Want to have fun this year? Pay attention to what's going on in College Station. Texas A & M is about to do some Loyala Marymount silliness. Aside from maybe Cincinnati, no team will play in more games totaling 75 points or higher.

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Speaking of UC, I don't have a whole lot for you here, other than this: If you traded Ohio State's skill positions for Cincinnati's, I would bet 10 billion dollars on an OSU national title.

The receivers are deep and talented, Isaiah Pead is better than any Buckeye runner and Zach Collaros...Good God Man! At the end of the year I'm pretty confident that Collaros will be considered one of the top 5 QBs in the nation. Other than his height, please -- I beg you -- find a flaw in this man's game. You can't.

The Bearcats might not be able to stop anyone this year, but they have a legitimate superstar at QB...and nothing is more important than that.

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I have to leave for work, boys and girls, so I'm cutting this piece short. I intended to play some good ol' fashioned College Football Name Game (there's a guy named De'Joshua this year!), not to mention a breakdown of the $2700 I just wagered on college football futures with my bookie in Cincinnati (and I live in Vegas!), but that will have to wait for another time.

I also don't have an illustration to kick off the post. Deal with it. I'll get around to it soon.

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Keep the change, you filthy animals.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/2/10

Slovenian Hoops, Kirk Herbstreit, Gin Blossoms, Etc.

2010-06-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

I find it funny that such a big deal was made out of the Sasha Vujacic-Goran Dragic rivalry during the Suns-Lakers series. Yeah, I get it: Both guys are from Slovenia. But does that instantly make them the best man in one another's wedding? Do you like everyone in your country? Your office? Your own goddamn family? Of course not. Jesus. It was a fun rivalry to watch (they clearly hate each other), and I'd like to hear the back story (hopefully a lady is involved), but it's crazy to me that everyone was shocked because two guys from the same country aren't BFFs.

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Speaking of feuds, Kirk Herbstreit and Bucknuts recently buried that hatchet. Personally, this is sickening. Explain.

For the better part of the past ten years (and especially the past five), Bucknuts.com (and especially Bucknuts brainchild Mr. Bucknuts) has taken shot after unfair shot at Herbstreit, simply because the former OSU QB is an objective analyst on ESPN's College Gameday, as opposed to an unapologetic Buckeye homer (which is all those losers expect).

But now that ESPN and Bucknuts have partnered, the two parties have made nice. Whatever.

Between podcasts and columns, I've made the point numerous times that no matter how much you think you care about Ohio State football, it pales in comparison to Herbstreit's feelings toward his alma mater.

He grew up dying to play for OSU. His dad was a captain there. Eventually, Herbstreit did the same, and was named the team's most inspirational player his senior year. He married an Ohio State cheerleader. He has a talk show in Columbus (or used to) that I once listened to religiously online; it was a daily three-hour advertisement for all things Scarlet and Grey. Following a Mike Doss interception in the 2002 national title game, cameras spotted Herbstreit and Eddie George practically having sex with one another. Et cetera. Et cetera.

Kirk Herbstreit cares about Ohio State football more than you've ever cared about anything, and you're a complete fucking idiot if you've ever questioned his loyalties.

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I'm hopping on a aeroplane to Cincinnati at 6:00 a.m.; this excites me for a million reasons but depresses me for one: A little band called Gin Blossoms is playing a show Friday night at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, which just happens to be my place of employment.

Sooner or later, I'll probably get to see these living legends play. How do I know this? Because, the well-rounded journalist in me decided to check out Gin Blossoms' website -- more specifically, the tour schedule -- and goddammit, these bastards are accessible. Four upcoming shows in particular stick out for me:

6/11/2010 -- Fargo, ND -- FargoDome Ribfest

7/10/2010 -- Lake in the Hills, IL -- Rockin' Rotary Ribfest

7/31/2010 -- Toledo, OH -- Smoke On The Water Ribs For The Red Cross

9/4/2010 -- S Parks, NV -- Nugget Rib Cook-Off

I am now certain of two things:

1. Every member of Gin Blossoms is flat broke.

2. Them boys love to eat some ribs

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
6/2/10

Super Bowl + Blizzard = Terrible Idea

2010-05-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

Quick: Name all the fullbacks, pulling guards and punters who have been named Super Bowl MVP.

Wait a few years, you might get your answer.

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Anyone who thinks it's a good idea to play a Super Bowl in a potential blizzard is a complete idiot.
You're either an old school ex-jock meathead or someone who is only interested in the Super Bowl as an event, not as the most important sporting contest of the year.

Old school ex-jock meatheads think, "Now this is football. Football is supposed to be played in treacherous conditions. Football is for tough guys."

The other group, the people who pay more attention to the commercials than the game, think, "It's kind of charming to play in the snow."

The people who think it's acceptable to play a Super Bowl on a field covered in snow don't care about a Chiefs-Jaguars tilt in mid-October. But I do. So does everyone else I know. Football might be the only sport where the mavens make up the majority.

Find me someone who spends a few hundred bucks on DirecTv's Sunday Ticket, competes in a handful of fantasy leagues and gambles on several games a week. Please, find that person (they're everywhere) and ask them: Do you want to see a frustratingly-sloppy, turnover-filled snoozefest, or would you watch rather watch two teams operate at full speed in the most important game of their lives?

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This past Super Bowl -- Saints vs. Colts -- was probably the most entertaining match, start to finish, I've ever seen. But it wouldn't have been that way in a sub-zero windstorm. Both the Saints and Colts were both pass-happy finesse teams in '09...are you telling me the game would have been better had it featured a few dozen fullback traps? Are you going to tell me that it would have been better if the Saints won 6-3 in a game that featured eight fumbles, five interceptions and nineteen punts?

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Paul Daugherty wrote a column about a snow-covered Super Bowl in today's Cincinnati Enquirer and, among his many maddening words, dropped this doozy:

"Football is elemental and violent and meant to be played in the mud in
Pittsburgh. There is no debating this."

These are the words of someone who cares about a great storyline, not the quality of the product. Trust me. I know Paul Daugherty. I got to know him pretty well after working with him on a nightly basis for six months. Great guy. But his opinion on this one shouldn't count. Regardless of what he claims in his column, he ain't a football fan.

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Keep the change, you filthy animals.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
5/27/10

Jay Bruce Is Awesome; Things That Make Me Feel Old

2010-05-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

Trivia question: Of all the National League right fielders named Jay Bruce, how many of them are leading their position in walks?

I'll save you the suspense: The answer, boys and girls, is one. One person. His name is Jay Bruce. He plays baseball for the Reds of Cincinnati, Ohio. I root for him.

Jay Bruce -- who's also the subject of my latest poll question -- leads all National League right fielders with 25 walks.

This means (a.) he's maturing, and (b.) Dusty Baker is a goddamn fool for batting Bruce sixth or seventh in the lineup.

Want more good news? I thought you might, and even though it's quite greedy of you, I'll deliver...

Jay Bruce's Line Drive percentage in 2010 -- 25% -- is higher than the following superstars: Albert Pujols (23%), Chase Utley (21%), Ryan Braun (21%), Justin Morneau (24%), Hanley Ramirez (19%), Jason Heyward (15%), Mark Texeira (18%), Andre Ethier (19%), Miguel Cabrera (22%), Kevin Youkilis (18%), Joey Votto (23%), Ryan Zimmerman (23%), Alex Rodriguez (21%), Evan Longoria (22%), Vladimir Guerrero (18%), Ryan Howard (23%), Joshua Holt Hamilton (19%), Ichiro (22%), Adrian Gonzalez (23%).

I just named nineteen of the top twenty-five hitters currently inhabiting our fine planet, and aside from Mark Texeira, every one of them is enjoying either a really good season (like Howard or Ramirez) or a super-awesome, out-of-this-world season (like Morneau or pre-injury Ethier). The only player I randomly checked with a higher LD% was, not surprisingly, Joe Mauer (27%).

What does all of this mean? How the hell should I know? But I'm not a lunatic for being more than a little encouraged with the results of my fact-finding mission.

(Channeling Rod Roddy...)

But wait, there's more.

If you'd like to focus on the defensive side of things, stick this in your pipe and smoke it: Among National League RF Jay Bruce ranks first in total chances, with 111; Jeff Francoeur comes in a close second (106), and third place (a player nobody cares about) has only 87 chances on the year. This simply means that Jay Bruce is getting to more balls than anybody else...and since he only has one error on the season, this also qualifies as encouraging news.

Warrants mentioning: Jay Bruce is leading the entire goddamn world (not just the NL) in something called range factor, a statistic Bill James believes is far more valuable than fielding percentage.

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Jay Bruce's HRs are down thus far, but he hit 43 homers over his first 209 games (all before turning 23-years-old), so I'm not even the slightest bit concerned at his early-season power outage. Plus, as mentioned, he's smacking the shit out of the ball this year. Plus, he's a lefty, playing in a ballpark suited for his abilities. If he can continue his trend of plate discipline and high LD%, and mix in his 2008 and 2009 power, the league will take notice of Jay Bruce faster than you can say Anbesol.

What I'm trying to say about Jay Bruce echoes what I said about the man even during his worst slumps: It is not unrealistic to expect Jay Bruce to become one of the game's very best players. And soon.

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Closing thought about unrelated baseball matter: Keith Law's mock draft is projecting Delino DeShields Jr. to be taken in the latter half of round one. Again: The son of Delino DeShields is about a month away from becoming a professional baseball player. It seems like only yesterday when the elder DeShields teamed up with Marquis Grisson to form baseball's most exciting young duo (or whatever). I have more than a few gray hairs and my ankles perpetually ache, but this makes me feel like the oldest 29-year-old in the world. In related news, I'll be shooting myself in the brains later this evening. Please wear black to my funeral.

Carry on.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
5/25/10

Honesty

2010-05-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

I said I'd post something each of the next twenty days, but what's the punishment if I don't?

Some people need a boss. I am one of those people.

I don't want to be writing these words. I wrote yesterday simply to fulfill an obligation, which is why I submitted that bullshit video. It's not that I don't love Onyx's "Slam," it's just that nobody should ever be that self-important. It's crazy to think that anyone would care about my opinion of 17-year-old pop music. Shit, it wasn't even an opinion; it was merely, "I like this song." Who cares? If you read that post, I apologize. I wasted your goddamn time. I have really high standards for this site, and I lose sleep when I don't meet them.

I started writing tonight with the intention of beating up on Dusty Baker for his lineup decisions. I also wanted to touch on LeBron's future. But I'm struggling to understand why anyone would give a shit.

I have no idea why, but confidence is at an all-time low, and I'm endlessly depressed.

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I still want to be on the radio. Maybe that's it.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
5/20/10

Only One Song Makes Me Happy After Losing Money

2010-05-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

I just lost a few American dollars on the NBA playoffs; I should have known better than to support them heartless Orlando Magics. Anyway, after cursing Rashard Lewis and throwing my remote control into the couch cushions a few dozen times (at speeds upwards of 8 billion MPH), I've calmed down a little. A little. But I'm still not happy. This makes me happy:

No jokes...this song is fucking great.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
5/18/10

Horse Trainers, Barry Larkin, Devin Mesoraco

2010-05-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

1. I can name four horse trainers: Nick Zito, D. Wayne Lucas, Bob Baffert and Todd Pletcher.

2. I can name zero NHL head coaches.

3. I have no interest in either.

4. Rangers' shortstop Elvis Andrus has been caught stealing seven times this year. Seven! It's mid May! Of course, Andrus is 3rd in the bigs with 14 stolen bases, so that's all anyone wants to talk about. Which is crap.

I feel like part of what's hurting Barry Larkin's Hall of Fame case is intelligence -- as in, maybe he played with too much intelligence. Take a look at his year-by-year stolen base/caught stealing numbers. Mind blowing. Had Larkin been a more greedy (read: unintelligent and less efficient) baserunner, he easily could have racked up a few hundred more stolen bases, and we all know how much HOF voters love numbers. Larkin retired with 379 SBs...would 600 stolen bases (and top 20 all time) be enough to put my favorite baseball player in the Hall of Fame?

5. It's really really really really really really (I'm going to write this word ten more times, once using the power of italics) really really really really really really really really really really early, and we're only talking about Class A Advanced Carolina League, but Reds' 2007 1st round pick, catcher Devin Mesoraco, is leading the entire farm system (not just his own team) in the following categories: batting average, home runs, RBI, on-base percentage and slugging percentage.

Again, it's early. And it's still just High-A ball. BUT...

Mesoraco is only 20-year-years-old, his first-round tag suggests he obviously has plenty of talent and he's not merely playing okay; he's murdering the ball. Plus, he plays a position that is impossibly difficult to develop. I couldn't tell you if he's considered a great prospect, but he's certainly not a bust. And when you consider where he was last year at this time, I think this qualifies as progress.

Sports!

More on the way tomorrow.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
5/17/10

Falling Asleep At Wheel, Joe Buck Unfunny, Carlos Boozer, Etc.

2010-05-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

I just made up my mind: I'm posting at least one item over the next twenty days. This is now my mission. Note: When I say "twenty days," I'm referring to the days of the week not named Saturday or Sunday (and some Fridays, depending on how busy/tired I am). So the next "twenty days," by my calculation, could take a year-and-a-half, but whatever. At least I'm writing. Which seems to be all you peoples's want out of me.

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1. Some things will never stop blowing my mind. Topping that list will always be falling asleep at the wheel. There isn't a soul on Earth immune to this phenomenon and really, I have no idea how it's ever happened once. Think about all the times you've been in the most comfortable environment imaginable (your bed, lights out, 64 degrees), wearing an endlessly comfortable article of clothing ($65 basketball shorts), desperately trying to fall asleep...and yet, despite the fact that you've been awake all day -- and need to be up in five hours -- you can't get to sleep.

By comparison...

You're driving an 80,000-lb. (or whatever cars weigh) piece of steel (or whatever cars are made of)...you're sitting upright...in no way is your underwear making you more comfortable...you might be tired, but staying awake has never been more important...and then you start drifting off...which of course leads to your brilliant decision to roll the windows down (unless you're a snob with automatic windows, in which case you push a button until the window is down) and crank the music to deafening levels.

None of it works.

You start pinching yourself and calling friends (they of course never answer) and that doesn't work, either. After narrowly avoiding a few dozen wrecks, you make it home alive. But it was the struggle of a lifetime. Your head was bobbing up and down the entire time and you can't recall details from the last half hour.

How in the hell does that happen? I'm positive that question has been asked and answered roughly 40 billion times since the advent of the Internet, but I've never heard one. Please help.

2. While am at it, can someone tell me why the inside of my left ear itches when I gently massage the area to the immediate left of my lips? Or, perhaps even more bizarre...why doesn't the same phenomenon take place when I do the exact same thing on the right side of my face?

Yes, this is a sports website.

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3. Okay, while I'm still asking gay questions that are always on my mind: Why is it considered an airball if your shot misses the rim but still hits the net? This isn't just coming from fans in basketball arenas, either. When I played HORSE as a little kid, you'd always pick up a letter for airballs, and a shot that hits just net was considered an airball. What genius came up with that rule, and how in God's name did it stick?

4. Taylor Mays, according to Craig, is the biggest, blackest human around (which, if you frequent this site, is the highest compliment he is capable of giving). He's also Jewish. For some reason I find this interesting. I stumbled across this nugget recently while on one of my random Wikipedia journeys. Here's a complete list of Jews in sports.

5. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Pawn Stars and everything, but the main guy, Rick, laughs at his own jokes far too often. This means he's not funny (and pretty annoying). Funny people don't laugh at their own jokes.

6. Speaking of not funny, I give you Joe Buck and Jim Nantz. Yes, I know you've always thought they were humorless squares, but their respective efforts in recent commercials confirm your beliefs. First, watch Nantz, then Buck (video not found) and see if your response is anything but creeped out. You're either funny or you're not. Jim Nantz and Joe Buck aren't funny; they're just nerds on a commercial trying waaaaaay too hard to seem likable.

7. Charles Barkley is my favorite basketball analyst of all time, and yet I haven't learned much from him over the years -- I'm not so sure he watches much basketball during the regular season. Anyway, he said something Tuesday night on Inside the NBA that is dead wrong: 'The Jazz shouldn't sign Carlos Boozer because they'll be left with the same problem as this year.'

(I paraphrased the last sentence, but I'm accurate with his beliefs.)

Let me run you through what he's saying and why he's wrong...

The Jazz just got swept by the Lakers, mostly because the Jazz are just too short to compete with the massive Lakers. If you sign Carlos Boozer to a long-term contract this offseason, you're basically saying, "Yeah, we'll be good, but we'll never be good enough to beat the Lakers."

Again, that's Charles Barkley's logic. Thing is, I agree with every part of it. But I'd still re-sign Carlos Boozer. In a heartbeat, I would. Because signing Carlos Boozer gives the Jazz the absolute best chance of winning a championship...so long as they don't have to play the Lakers of Los Angeles, California.

It's all about matchups. The Saints might not have been good enough to beat the Ravens this past year, but they didn't have to play them in the Super Bowl; they got the Colts, a team they matched up with.

I watched a ton of hoop this year, and I can tell you, undoubtedly, the Jazz were good enough to beat every team in basketball in a seven-game series...except for those behemoths in L.A. Letting Boozer go and signing a few seven-foot stiffs would be a mistake. I say keep Boozer, keep churning out 55-win seasons and hope for the best. Just because the Lakers will never lose to the Jazz doesn't mean they won't lose to another team. and once the Lakers are eliminated, it's on. Trust me, trust me, trust me: Utah has a championship-caliber team on their hands, and their best chance of cutting down the nets (or hoisting the trophy, or whatever) is with Carlos Boozer playing with them, not against them.

It's all about matchups.

**********

End of words. I promise to write more words on Monday.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
5/13/10

Billiards = Excitement, Desperation Full-Court Heaves, Jay Bruce, Etc.

2010-05-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

I've recorded so many sporting events on VHS tape that my collection is fifty years beyond embarrassing. Forget about my understandable 500-1000 hours or so of Nick Van Exel footage and focus on the endless stream of 8-hour Maxell's with labels such as "Brian Reith's 4th Start" and "A-Rod's Texas Rangers Debut." If you were to raid my old bedroom at Mommy and Daddy's, your opinion of me would immediately change. It's that bad. So, as you might assume, I have an opinion or twelve of ESPN Classic.

ESPN Classic was the greatest idea for a television channel in the history of greatest ideas for television channels. And yet, they run Classic Billiards (and often Classic Bowling) nearly every day. If you're a heterosexual male, you probably already knew this. Anyway, let me go ahead and assume that Classic Billiards isn't drawing M*A*S*H-finale ratings. Fine, I get it: ESPN Classic wasn't a ratings smash when ESPN was pumping money into its misguided project, so they can't shell out big cash to run forgotten but outstanding Sweet 16 games and Monday Night Football contests. But if you're just going to waste an hour of programming with programs that originally aired on ESPN and cost (I'm guessing) $0.00, why do it with recycled 9 Ball tournaments?

I have an idea: Why not run Classic SportsCenter?

And no, I don't mean those retrospective shows about the Bay Area earthquake, Magic Johnson's HIV announcement or Michael Jordan's retirement; that stuff has been recycled far too many times. What I'd like to see is a random SportsCenter from October 2, 1994 (or whatever). I want to see how sports were covered back then. I want to see Stuart Scott when he was entertaining and Linda Cohn when she was pretty (wait, bad examples).

Actually, now that I've given this an extra second of thought, I don't care about the evolution of sports coverage. Well, I do, but that's not why I want to watch random, sixteen-year-old SportsCenters. I suppose I just want to be nostalgic. SportsCenter was a really big deal to me when I was a little boy way back in the 1980's and 90's. I feel like watching those suckers would be akin to rifling through my collection of 1987 Topps baseball cards (assuming my mother hadn't thrown them out.)

But anyway, that's a good idea. I have good ideas. I like sports!

2. Scenario time: You play basketball for a living...in the NBA...it's the playoffs...1.9 seconds remain in 1st quarter...your team is down two (or up twenty, it doesn't really matter)...you receive an inbound pass a good 85 feet from the hoop...what do you do?

A. Hold the ball until the horn sounds.

B. Dribble the ball twice, take an exaggerated extra step, give the impression that you'd like to help the team win, wait 'til the horn sounds and fire up a 65-footer.

C. Take maybe one dribble toward the hoop and heave a Hail Mary that has maybe a 1 percent chance of going in.

Not to sound like Bob Knight on his worst day, but I absolutely would not tolerate Options A and B if I were coaching a basketball team. Options A and B are so bloody selfish, and yet so common, that I still have trouble believing that this trend is apparently here to stay.

In case you're wondering why players don't attempt these end-of-quarter miracles, it comes down to field goal percentage. Attempt an almost-certain-to-miss shot and your FG% will drop (although these are often the same bozos who carelessly chuck three-pointer after three-pointer despite years of overwhelming evidence stating that they're lousy shooters. Cough, cough, Ron Artest). Plus, would this ever happen in the 4th quarter of a game you trail by two points? Of course not.

(Note: This trend has actually trickled down into rec leagues, where they keep score but not individual statistics. There is nothing funnier than seeing a 27-year-old drug dealer, who is playing in a wife beater, hold onto the ball seventy feet from the basket during the final few seconds of the the half. He doesn't know why he's not trying to score, but the players on TV do it, so it must be the thing to do.)

This isn't really a big problem, and it probably doesn't affect many outcomes (since everybody does it), but it is a problem...or at least one of my ten biggest pet peeves. And an innovative coach should step in and challenge his team to do something about it.

A few years ago Tony LaRussa started batting his pitcher eighth because he believed -- over the course of a 162-game season -- his team would score four or five more runs. Four of five more runs...over the course of an entire season! Yes, you read that correctly. At the time I reacll a lot of people calling the move pointless (and a slap in the face to the usual No. 8 hitter), and a lot of people chalking it up to typical LaRussa arrogance. Regardless, I don't remember anyone claiming LaRussa wasn't doing absolutely everything in his power to win absolutely every game he managed.

**********

That's all for now, boy and girls. I wanted to write about the myriad of articles popping up recently regarding Jay Bruce's perceived struggles, and how bad luck was attributable. I wanted to write that nobody but this guy (me) had the courage to write that article a year ago (last June again and this April), back when the media was killing him...and how everybody seemed to piggy-back me after Bruce's batting average jumped up twenty or thirty points last month. Whatever.

Think I'm overreacting?

Listen, this crappy website barely gets any traffic. Sure, I have my loyal fanbase, but it's a blip on the radar. But go ahead and Google "jay bruce struggling" and...shocker...my piece from last June comes up second on the search results page.

I'm not accusing anyone of stealing, but it's good to know I'm planting seeds.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
5/6/10

Final Thoughts Heading Into 2010 NFL Draft

2010-04-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

I have a cable bill, therefore I have cable. Therefore I'm well aware of the fact that the 2010 NFL Draft begins tonight. Therefore I'm about to predict a whole bunch of stuff that you'll forget about (at least until I remind you of my correct predictions). Enjoy...

1. Sam Bradford = Carson Palmer. I mean that as a both a compliment and a criticism. Give either fantastic pass blocking and we're approaching Peyton Manning territory. I truly believe that. Both Bradford and Palmer are fundamentally perfect when delivering balls seven steps deep in the pocket, but when defenders get in their face and it's time to improvise...no thanks.

If the Rams select Bradford, they should (a.) sit him for a year, no matter what, and (b.) draft offensive linemen in each of the next forty rounds, or until Bradford is properly protected.

2. Ndamukong Suh is the best player in the draft, and really, I'm shocked he isn't going first overall. Bradford is certainly a worthy selection -- especially considering the fact that no position in sports is anywhere near as important as QB -- and if you hit a home run with a QB, it was worth it. Reggie White and Lawrence Taylor could have a super baby and he wouldn't be as valuable as Drew Brees in today's NFL.

But Bradford might not turn out to be Brees or Manning. And Suh might just be Reggie White and Lawrence Taylor's love child. When I'm a billion years old I will still consider him one of the very best players I've ever seen, and it would only be kind of silly for me to predict his eventual enshrinement into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. His performance against Texas was the best in a losing effort since Terrell Owens in the Pats-Eagles Super Bowl, and it was all I could think about as I was trying to sleep. Suh is the type of player I feel lucky to have watched.

Wherever he ends up, and it seems like a slam dunk to be Detroit, they will immediately get better. On top of being blessed with otherworldly quickness and George Foreman-like hands, winning is important to Suh. Football is important to him. You always hear how consistent effort is what separates the average defensive tackles from the great ones, well, nobody has to worry about that with Ndamukong Suh. The man dominated the Big 12 despite beating double and triple teams on the reg. A once in a generation player.

And since I'll probably never have kids, I'll be sure to tell my neighbor's kids all about him.

3. Whoever drafts Eric Berry is getting themselves a ball-hawking Pro Bowler. The NFL is a pass-heavy league, and in the past six seasons Bob Sanders and Ed Reed, both safeties, have taken home the AP NFL Defensive Player of the Year Award, while Troy Polamalu has been undoubtedly one of the game's five best defenders over that stretch. And while he's probably a little overrated, does anyone want to look up Darren Sharper's winning percentage for me?

Pass on Eric Berry because he's "just a safety," or get yourself a guy who will lead the league in interceptions a few times...your choice.

4. In one of my last columns for 1530Homer.com, way back in January 2007, I complained loudly about Jim Tressel's closing ability with recruits; this was a week or so before the BCS championship abortion against Florida. I gave Tressel a free pass for missing on several recruits because I was convinced he was spending every free second game-planning for the Gators, as opposed to wooing 17-year-olds.

Anyway, the focus of my complaint was Tressel missing out on heralded recruits to the football wastelands of Rutgers and Arizona. Why do I bring this up on the day of the draft? Because the recruits in question turned out to be awesome'r than heck. Rutgers OT Anthony Davis (top ten projected) and Arizona TE Rob Gronkowski (late first to early second) are expected to hear their name called within the first fifty picks or so.

A few things. First, do you think Davis and Gronkowski regret not competing for national championships at Ohio State? Second, why do I do this to myself?

5. Speaking of Gronkowski, I like him better than Oklahoma TE Jermaine Gresham, a guy the Bengals just might scoop up in round one. Regardless, I'd prefer the Bengals pass on both at No. 21 overall. For starters, Gronkowski might be available in the second. Mostly, though, I think you pass on a tight end in the first round unless you're convinced you're getting a stud. By the way, a steady-blocking tight end who simply moves the chains is not a stud.

I won't bash the Bengals for taking Gresham or Gronkowski tonight (although maybe I should considering their injury history), but they'd better turn out to be a lot better than steady.

6. Now, if you're asking who I want the Bengals to select at No. 21, based on who might be available, I'll throw out the names Brandon Graham, Dez Bryant and Jerry Hughes. Unfortunately, Bryant won't be there (regardless of Todd McShay's mock), while Graham and Hughes project to OLB in a 3-4 (and the Bengals play a 4-3)...so..it's anyone's guess.

***Graham's performance against Ohio State this past season (please watch the last two minutes of this video) was the best I've ever seen from a Michigan defender in the rivalry (yes, that includes Heisman winner Charles Woodson). He terrorized OSU's offensive line and owned the Buckeye backfield. Graham was stuck with lousy teammates and faced constant double teams and it never effected his motor. Winning is important to Graham, and I'd kill to have him in Cincinnati.

***I've written about this at least once before, but I'll say it again: Dez Bryant = Anquan Boldin. As long as he can avoid Boldin's well-deserved "injury prone" tag, Bryant will be a beast at the next level.

***Hughes is similar to Graham in that he's considered short (6'1), but has the natural ability to get after the quarterback. Neither are a perfect fit for the 4-3, but you can never have too many pass rushers. (see 2007 New York Giants).

(I only have a few more thoughts regarding tonight's first round...)

7. The draft hasn't even started, and I'm already annoyed by how many times Rolando McClain's "instincts" have been mentioned. Give it a rest already, boys.

8. Tell me all you want about Joe Haden's stiff hips and pedestrian forty time, and I'll tell you he was better than every other college defender not named Ndamukong Suh last year (ahead of Eric Berry). He is a super-smooth cover corner who warrants a top ten selection. Perfect amount of swagger, too. The Bengals certainly don't need corners, but if Haden somehow falls to them they should send Roger Goodell sprinting to the podium.

9. What really pisses me off is that it took the combine for scouts to tell the world that Ryan Matthews is a better player than Jonathon Dwyer.

It's hard for me to recall another player's stock confusing me more than Dwyer's. He's a big guy with lousy feet -- I've never seen him make anyone miss -- and he doesn't possess breakaway speed. Best-case scenario: 1,050 yards, 3.8 YPC. More likely scenario: Adequate goal line option.

Analyze this video and tell me why Dwyer, as recently as two months ago, was considered a first-round lock and better prospect than CJ Spiller. This is maddening

I don't have much to say regarding Matthews, other than he's markedly better than Dwyer, which should have been painfully obvious to talent evaluators well before Dwyer's unimpressive broad jump at the freaking combine. Whatever.

Speaking of (expected) non-first rounders...

10. If Tim Tebow goes ahead of Colt McCoy, I'm punching things. Lock it: Colt McCoy will win several playoff games in his career. And for what it's worth, his arm strength is better than you think, and many starting NFL QBs would kill for his feet and accuracy. Call me a homo for saying this, but Colt McCoy's a winner.

11. I spent much of 2008 and 2009 bad-mouthing Golden Tate. I wasn't really trying to put the guy down; I was merely trying to compliment the other WR at Notre Dame, Michael Floyd, a mammal I see as Plaxico Burress 2.0. But that doesn't mean Golden Tate isn't a player, because he is. He absolutely is. The more I think about it, I love Golden Tate. Similar to Rudy Ruettiger, he's not the biggest or the fastest. But he doesn't drop anything, and he made dozens of big catches in the closing minutes of countless Irish games. And his facial expression and body language always suggested that he hated losing a little more than most competitors.

12. Taylor Mays is the type of prospect you hope your team passes on, yet if you draft him you'll forget all the red flags surrounding him. Ten years ago, Mays wouldn't have slipped past pick No. 5. Now? He might go in the middle of the second round. Taylor Mays possesses every skill that Sean Taylor did (size, speed, etc.)...except for ball skills. It is unfathomable to me that a guy that big, playing in the middle of the field on a loaded USC defense could play a full season without snagging a single INT. Buyer beware.

13. Penn State's Sean Lee is a first round player, and should consider it an insult if he goes in the second round. If he's healthy, he's making a Pro Bowls.

14. I wouldn't touch Arrelious Benn with a 39-and-half-foot pole.

15. Todd McShay project's Ole Miss DE Greg Hardy and South Florida's George Selvie in the fourth and seventh rounds respectively. For whatever reason, their stock has slipped. I'm not here to argue on either's behalf, but I can tell you both know how to get after the QB, which is a skill that will always be at a premium.

16. Can I get an Amen for white receivers! Minnesota's Eric Decker is projected late second; Texas' Jordan Shipley second-third; Michigan State's Blair White seventh. For Decker and Shipley, they deserve their current ratings. As for White, he's one of the real sleepers of the draft.

17. What's the opposite of smart? Let's go with dumb. Jevan Snead is dumb. It seems unlikely, but there's a chance the former potential No. 1 overall pick might not get drafted. What makes him dumb is the fact that he left Old Mississippi after a dreadful junior season.

18. If the Bengals pass on a TE in round one (and assuming Gronkowski's off the board), I'll do cartwheel's if they grab Florida's Aaron Hernandez. Hernadez is one of those prospects that scouts focus on what he can't do (block) as opposed to what he can (turn a football game into a basketball game). Hernandez is just a great athlete with impeccable ball skills. When the balls in the air, it's his. When he's in the open field, you forget he's a tight end. He's very underrated at this point.

19. I'm a big fan of Tony Pike and even Mardy Gilyard. With Pike, I see a guy who's a better athlete with a much better arm than he showed at the Senior Bowl. He's a project at the moment, but his ceiling is as a starter, not a career backup.

As for Gilyard, I have it on the best authority possible that he's a world-class a-hole. He single-handedly tried to sink the ship in New Orleans as the Bearcats prepared for Florida. That said, he's a baller. He got caught from behind more than you'd like, but if he keeps his head on straight, he could be a devastating slot guy.

20. If you're happy with your draft, and you don't have a ton of needs going into the last few rounds, draft Florida's Brandon James or LSU's Trindon Holiday. Immediately, your kick return needs are solved. I've never understood why so many NFL teams neglect that area of the team, all under the logic of, "We'll just use our No. 4 WR back there, he returned kicks in high school." We're in the greatest era of standout kick returners and yet most teams refuse to acknowledge their importance.

21. Jesus, this thing's getting long. Mid-to-late rounders who will outperform current projections: Centarl Michigan's Dan LeFevour and Antoio Brown, Wisconsin's O'Brien Schofield (shockingly, he's black), Oregon's Ed Dickson, Byu's Dennis Pitta, Florda's Major Wright, Oklahoma State's Zac Robinson and Appalachian State's Armanti Edwards (but only as a QB). I also like a few Buffalo products who'll likely go undrafted: RB James Starks and WR Naaman Roosevelt. I told you last year that Buffalo's undrafted QB, Drew Willy, would stick, and he did (with Indianapolis). This year I'm giving Starks and Roosevelt a legitimate chance to hang around for awhile.

Oh, and I love Dexter McCluster. Take his 4.6 forty and shove it up your behind.

22. As for a player I hate, I give you the infamous LeGarrette Blount. I don't care about punching opponents, I care about ability. Blount's always been overrated. I don't like big backs that take a step or two to get going, and Blount has a slow first step (among big backs, he's the anti-Chris Wells). So, when your team drafts Blount in round five, don't fall for it when the GM tells you what a steal you got in Blount. Jerk or not, he's simply not good enough.

That's all for now, boys and girls. Forgive me for typographical errors and whatnot.

Sports!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
4/22/10

Jay Bruce, Mike Leake, Women's Hoops, Etc.

2010-04-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

1. Closing thought about the fraud that is women's basketball: In 2010 UConn led the nation in field goal percentage defense as well as allowing the fewest points per game, so...clearly, the Lady Huskies (or whatever they're called) were the best defensive team in the country. That doesn't make women's basketball a fraud; it simply means UConn played better-than-average defense. What makes women's hoops so dang fraudulent is the fact that UConn also committed fewer fouls than any other team in the "sport." Can you think about that for a moment? Can you imagine a team comprised of Bruce Bowens and Dwight Howards and Lindsey Hunters committing fewer fouls than any team in the NBA? You can't, right? That's because it's fifty miles beyond impossible. Being a great defender means you're physical, and often times too physical. You cannot be a great defender without committing a fair share of fouls. Fact.

When West Virginia's men's team came within a hair of a Final Four Spot a few years back (the Pittsnogle/Gansey squad) I seem to recall a statistic about the 'Neers committing the fewest amount of fouls in the nation. But that made sense! They were atrocious defensively, and generally just tried to outscore their opponent in high-scoring affairs.

But UConn is great defensively while avoiding fouls. Which tells me (a.) they're obviously really good (relatively speaking) but also (b.) evolution is crap.

I've been hearing about the improvement of the women's game since I was in kindergarten, but it's just a joke...always has been. There will always be a few players who are much better than everyone else, and those players will play for UConn or Tennessee. And every time I'm subjected to a game I'll be forced to watch flat-footed blocked shots and shooters treating the ball like an 80-lb. boulder as they attempt a shot from the great distance of twenty feet.

2. Ok, let me make fun of women's hoops a little more. As you know I watched every move Brittney Griner made this March, and it was undoubtedly the best decision I've made in years. Highest of high comedy. It also sent me on a YouTube journey where I quickly discovered that Griner pucnhed some chick in a game this year. The following video is great for two reasons: (1.) Griner pucnhes like a girl, and (2.) the coach of the chick who got "punched" feared that her player might be out for the season. Watch the video and you'll understand why that's laughable.

3. Every time I see a graphic about the absurd cost of attending a professional sporting event, it always references a family of four, and that family is always buying bobble heads and caps and pennants and programs and small Mountain Dews and footlong weiners, and I always pull my goddamn hair out. Can't you just go to a game for three hours without purchasing an endless supply of cheaply-made souvenirs? It's three friggin' hours! Anyway, Rob Neyer recently made fun of the exact same thing, and since I agree with every word of it, I'm providing the bloody link.

4. Last year I suggested that Reds fans were overreacting to Jay Bruce's perceived struggles. It caused quite a stir on Cincinnati sports talk radio and in my inbox. Most people scoffed at the statistic of Batting Average on Balls in Play (or BAbip), and I'm pretty sure it was because it's not as simple as batting average. But some stat freaks, and I think some chaps over at Red Reporter, pointed out Bruce's low line drive percentage as a reason for his low BAbip. The argument made a bit of sense, and I conceded, privately, that my Bruce column was somewhat misguided.

But this year, I'm once again hearing that he'll never live up to the hype, and that his confidence is shot, which makes me want to punch babies. When Dusty Baker sat Bruce on the fifth day of the season to "clear his head," I couldn't take it anymore. I knew -- because I'd watched every one of his ABs -- that Bruce was beating the snot out of the ball, and his line drives were finding gloves on seemingly every occasion.

I did some quick digging, and not surprisingly Bruce's line drive percentage is 32%, best on the team. His batting average on balls in play is an unfathomable .182, second worse to only Orlando Cabrera (whose line drive percentage is understandably 21 points lower)

For the record, Bruce's 2010 line drive percentage is higher than either Albert Pujols or Hanley Ramirez, the National League's two best hitters.

Here's a quick breakdown of Bruce's LD% and BAbip compared to the 2-3-4-5 hitters in the Reds' lineup:

Bruce - 32%, .182

Cabrera - 9%, .167

Votto - 26%, .409

Phillips - 14%, .286

Rolen - 17%, .190

It's true that I'm not completely rational when discussing Jay Bruce, and maybe I want him to succeed a little too much, but that doesn't change the fact that -- no matter how you look at the stats -- Bruce has been remarkably unlucky since the start of the 2009 season.

If you're reading this, Dusty Baker, what that means is that you shouldn't sit Jay Bruce just because Tom Gorzelanny is the opposing starter. Jay Bruce won't improve against lefties unless he faces them! Hello?

5. Finally, am I allowed to strangle the next idiot who compares Mike Leake to Greg Maddux? Because I hear it a lot. I understand that both right-handers are built averagely and share similar fastballs, and I know Maddux at times seemed boring or even unimpressive, but the guy won 355 games. Three Hundred and Fifty Five! I'm a fan of Leake's and everything, but the fact remains: The odds are stacked against him ever recording 100 wins at the Major League level. Settle down, everyone.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
4/15/10

Reds Do Good Pitch Baseball In USA!

2010-04-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

Although I've only watched one Reds game as a Vegas resident, I'm less than enthused about the idea of spending the season without Franchester Martin Brennaman. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those multitaskers who listens to Marty while watching the game -- my ADD simply won't allow it -- but I do need Marty in my life. For the past twenty-plus years I've run to the radio any time I suspected Marty would be bitching about the Reds (September is an underrated month for Reds fans). And if I'm the car when Marty starts ranting, you can bet your sweet ass I'm not getting out of the car under any circumstances. I've lived in Vegas for ten weeks, and I'm shocked at how little I've missed Skyline Chili. The Reds' season, by comparison, is one game deep and the lack of Marty Brennaman in my life is wrecking my insides.

**********

Two quick thoughts from Opening Day before addressing the remaining 161 contests:

1. I watched Opening Day on ESPN, and witnessed Brent Musberger refer to Cards second baseman, Skip Schumaker, as a "pepper pot," whatever the F that means. Actually, I know exactly what it means (although I've never heard that particular expression). It means that Skip Schumaker is the type of annoying little gaywad that tends to find his way into Tony LaRussa's lineup on a yearly basis, but that isn't the point. The point is that George Grande retired last year and I was excited about never again being subjected to such old-time nerdiness emanating from a broadcast booth. Stick to Ohio State-Michigan, Brett. You still do that exceptionally well.

2. Of all the available arms in the Reds' bullpen, why was Mike Lincoln the first mammal to get the call in relief of Aaron Harang? Mike Lincoln. Seriously. Mike Lincoln. It was still a two-run game, and after escaping a base hit and two line-outs in the 6th, Dusty Baker allowed Lincoln to pitch to Albert Pujols in the 7th with a man on base. Ballgame.

How many tape-measure home runs does that idiot have to give up before he's no longer a part of this team? He's allowed 58 earned runs and served up 18 HRs in his 94 innings in Cincinnati. That's not only embarrassing, it's unacceptable (or should be). Making matters worse: Lincoln's only struck out 66 batters over those 94 innings.

Every time I consider Mike Lincoln a useless pitcher, I check out his statistics, which reveal that he's actually worse than I thought. At least he's not making a few million bucks this year (sarcasm). Pass the dynamite, please...

**********

Okay, the 2010 Reds. Sure, I'm a day late, but I'm not a dollar short. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (laughter). But anyway, I'm pumped about this season. Not because I think the Reds are going to shock the world (i.e., winning more than 81 games), but because baseball gives me something to do. Unless you're poolside, summer is a pretty stupid season. But if your baseball team is somewhat competitive through August, things aren't so terrible. This is coming from a guy who hates baseball. I really do. I just like the Reds. I don't watch regular season games (not since Pedro was in Boston), and I haven't seen nine consecutive innings of a World Series game in probably five years. The sport bores me to death.

That said, I was a remote-throwing lunatic all day on Monday and I've read 100 percent of Rob Neyer's last 50,000 words, so, despite hating baseball (and that's not an exaggeration), I still know a thing or two about it. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further...

While I'm not guaranteeing the Reds' 2010 pitching staff to drop a Palmer-Cuellar-Dobson-McNally on your face, I'm certainly pleased with not only the present-day starters, but also the organizational depth. In years past, Travis Wood would have been pencilled in as a No. 3 or 4 starter before March. Now? He's in the minors, where he should be. But forget about Travis Wood, whose future has me encouraged, and focus on the following gentlemen.

Mike Leake: First round pick, outstanding spring training, opening the season as the No. 5 starter despite spending a total of ZERO days in the minor leagues...and yet the city isn't eagerly awaiting his major league debut. I'd be shocked if local TV ratings that night are any different than the days before and after. Trust me, in the days of "9 Million Dollar Man" Eric Milton, a fresh-faced rook like Leake would probably put asses in the seats (if only for one start). Now? He's just another in a long line of promising young pitchers.

Edinson Volquez: Whether he returns to his brilliant from of '08 or not, Volquez will go down as one of my five favorite Reds (but behind No. 11, obviously). I loved watching him work. I loved how his changeup puzzled opposing hitters. I loved watching him dig down after he mindlessly walked a couple of nobodies on four pitches. In short, I thought he was capable of just about anything. Anyway, he's out 'til August, which should have me counting the seconds until his return. But I'm not. And if I can be honest here on my American website, I'll tell you that I don't spend every second waiting until he's back on the hill. And if and when he returns, it's very possible that he won't be needed down the stretch (assuming the Reds are a little better than .500). Here again I would explain my occasional misremembrences (not even Roger Clemens would attempt that word) by pointing to Johnny Cueto, Homer Bailey, Aroldis Chapman, etc. Edinson Volquez is gone...and he's kind of forgotten. Can you imagine reading those words twenty months ago without diving off the nearest cliff?

Daryl Thompson: In case you've forgotten, Daryl Thompson is the once-promising 24-year-old righty who's still in the organization. Thompson might never pitch another day in the bigs, but that isn't really the point. I didn't hear his name mentioned all spring -- not even in a "what ever happened to Daryl Thompson" way -- which never would have been the case six or eight years ago, when vagabonds like Osvaldo Fernandez were counted on to contribute.

**********

Since my junior year of high school I've attended Opening Days where Mike Remlinger, Joey Hamilton and Paul Wilson started for my Redlegs. I'm 29 now, so were not talking about "Since the Korean War" or anything. But Remlinger, Hamliton and Wilson...that's brutal. It's also typical. For a team with a proud history like the Reds, the chapter on greatest pitchers still includes names like Tom Browning and Danny Graves. Not bums by any stretch, but certainly not guys you'll be telling your grandkiddies about, either.

But history is about to change.

Okay, that's a stretch, because every starting pitcher has a question mark. But there are more reasons to be encouraged about the current staff (and the arms in AAA Louisville) than at any point of my life.

Mike Leake might be a savior, he might not; Edinson Volquez might return to All Star form, he might not; Daryl Thompson might pitch three perfect games for the Reds this year, or maybe he went to jail for robbing a liquor store last night. In all three cases (and in Wood's case), it's not critical to the Reds' success in 2010 that any of them record even one victory. It would certainly help, but it's not critical.

The Reds might not hit enough to break .500 this year, but they have enough pitching that 85 wins or so isn't out of the question. Low-scoring games might not be entertaining, but they prove a team's legitimacy. Jay Bruce might be a year away, and they'll definitely need another stick to go with he and Votto, but I can't imagine feeling any better about the future of the organization than I do right now. And for once, it's because of pitching.

Aroldis Chapman, John Cueto, David Bailey, Ed Volquez, Aaron Harang, Bronny Arroyo, Travis Wood. That's not a misprint.

Gimme a little luck in regards to health, mix in a smart trade, and my Cincinnati Reds might be a legitimate contender sooner than we ever imagined. In related news, Joey Hamilton was a stupid idiot.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
4/6/10

Jason Heyward Helps Me Forget About Gordon Hayward

2010-04-05T00:55:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about how the lives of everyone associated with the Butler basketball program would be forever changed had Gordon Hayward's desperation toss (Hoosiers reference) been maybe three inches to the left. Three inches and Gordon Hayward would have been responsible for the greatest ending in the history of organized sports. Can you please give that last sentence an extra second of thought. The ensuing riot would have been unlike anything we've ever seen -- Butler...in Indianapolis...half-courter at the buzzer...to take down college basketball's Super Villain...forget about it. Just once, sometime before my brain quits on me, I want to see a shot like Hayward's half-courter go through the hoop in a championship game with 0:00 on the clock. Not to be sappy or anything, but isn't that why we watch sports?

Speaking of...

Most YouTube videos that have only been viewed 334 times are complete horseshit; it's usually a crappy garage band covering "Even Flow," or whatever. This one -- some amateur job capturing Jason Heyward's first at bat -- is anything but. I could watch this sucker all day. In fact, I just might.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
4/6/10

Brittney Griner, Dumb Nicknames, Bob Huggins, Etc.

2010-03-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about things lately. Don't believe me? Put this in your pipe and smoke it:

How in God's name did Alabama-Huntsville become a college hockey power? Did you realize they competed in college hockey's Elite Eight over the weekend? Wouldn't this be like New Hampshire A & T becoming a baseball heavyweight?

**********

I have a problem with one of the more memorable scenes from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and I need to bring it to your attention: "Adams, Adamle, Adamowski, Adamson, Adler, Anderson, Bueller, Bueller, Bueller...."

Now, I get going overboard with all the names at the start of the alphabet, but if you're going to include five last names before Anderson, how in the hell can you justify zero names between Anderson and Bueller? It's an impossibility. You mean to tell me that that class shouldn't have included an Atkinson, Baxter, Benson or Bishop before Bueller? Wacky high school comedy or not, this has always driven me crazy.

**********

Been paying attention to that woman giant, Brittney Griner, lately? I sure have. Her games are appointment television. She blocks a bunch of shots without jumping and struts around with an annoying swagger that suggests she's done something impressive. Let me ruin the fun for you: She hasn't. She's just really goddamn tall. Anyway...

Over the weekend she threw up a stat line we may never see again (unless she does it again this tournament): 27 points, 10 blocks...7 rebounds! Does it even seem possible to block that many shots and only come away with 7 rebounds? That particular game featured (an appropriate term for the women's game) 78 missed field goal attempts and 11 free throws. Step it up, Griner!

**********

Speaking of the women's game, Mo Egger echoed everything I wanted to say about Xavier's choke job on Monday, and he wasn't remotely out of line. I wish he would have added this: Women should not be allowed to play basketball. Exhibit A for my argument is Xavier's multiple blown layups at the end of the Stanford game.

Tennis, soccer, volleyball and swimming? Go for it, ladies. I'll even watch on occasion and keep my obnoxious remarks to a relative minimum. But, basketball as a legitimate form of entertainment? Please. I watch women's hoops for the same reason I watch Red Dawn: Both are unintentionally hilarious.

**********

Professional basketball is covered by TNT better than any sport is covered by any other network. Fact. Yet I can't stop shaking my head at TNT's bone-headed decision to put EJ, Kenny and Chuck in the booth for last Thursday's Bulls-Heat game. Aside from opening night, the playoffs and maybe Martin Luther King Day, this was TNT's biggest night of the year, and a golden opportunity to highlight the comedic talents of America's greatest studio show.

And I doubt anyone watched.

There are only two Thursdays every year when even hardcore NBA fans don't care about the NBA: The first day of the NCAA tournament and the Sweet 16. That's it, that's the list. I'm not a clever television critic, but I would give TNT two emphatic thumbs down for this move.

**********

It's probably been seven or eight years since I considered anyone other than Tom Izzo the best college coach alive (really, who else makes it in the discussion?). Anyway, I'm not shattering the Earth with this proclamation (although I think most would find a way to disagree with me), but I find it interesting that Tom Izzo -- undeniable greatness and all -- remains underrated. Even after this past weekend, when the world seems to be lining up to fellate him, Izzo isn't appreciated in the manner he deserves.

Unless Michigan State wins it all, Tom Izzo will once again drift into relative obscurity.

Let's play a game: Quick, name all the outstanding NBA players Tom Izzo's produced...

Still waiting...

Ten more seconds...

Come up with any? If you answered Zach Randolph, you'd receive partial credit (he played one year for Izzo and averaged 10.8 ppg). After that you're looking at two years of Jason Richardson (only one of which where he really made an impact) and a solid four-year career of Morris Peterson.

And after that?

Eh. You're looking at a few Charlie Bells and Shannon Browns and guys who never made an impact at the next level. Since the end of the 90's (when Izzo finally got things rolling at MSU), Michigan State has only put nine players in the NBA and those nine players have combined for one All Star game (Randolph, this year). By contrast, Fresno State's put twelve players in the NBA since the start of the century. Twelve! Fresno State!

Which confirms the following: (1.) Tom Izzo's not the best recruiter on the planet. (2.) Tom Izzo's the best coach on the planet. Undeniably.

**********

Every year at this time I rail against basketball's flopping epidemic and the nature of taking charges. I won't waste your time linking to all of my past columns where I frustratingly wrote (at length) about the absurdity of taking charges. But I will reiterate my main theme: Taking a charge -- which most of the time means standing in place and falling backwards after minimal contact -- is the least natural basketball move a player can make (other than maybe taking a pee while shooting a free throw, or whatever). Trust me, I've been playing ball for 23 years now (often times against current and former college players), and it's never once crossed my mind to stand in front of someone and fall down just to gain a possession. Basketball is all about instincts, and taking a charge is anything but instinctive.

It's also the reason Baylor isn't in the Final Four. For anyone who saw 7'1, 270-lb. Brian Zoubek stand under the rim with his arms straight up as Baylor forward Quincy Acy came storming down the baseline, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Baylor had a two-point lead and a shit ton of momentum before a 7'1 behemoth -- again, standing under the rim -- decided not to challenge a shot, but to fall down because an opponent touched his hip. Zoubek got the call, Baylor relented the lead on the next possession, Duke snatched momentum and won the game.

The charging/flopping epidemic gets worse every year, and it's standing in the way of making basketball the perfect product.

**********

Evan Turner wasn't a unanimous AP first team All American; he missed by one vote. I'd like to deliver a face punch to the jag-off who voted five (or maybe more) players over Turner. Remember, basketball All American teams don't require voters to select a conventional lineup of two guards, two forwards and a center. It's simply a vote for the five best guys in the sport. That means that some asshole out there thought Evan Turner wasn't one of the five best players of the 2009-2010 college basketball season. I'm not making that up. Whoever excluded Evan Turner from his (or her) first-team ballot shouldn't be allowed to cover the sport for a living.

**********

Women's shot clocks are thirty seconds; men's are thirty-five. Can somebody please explain this to me? Aside from the flopping epidemic, college basketball's biggest problem is widespread offensive ineptness. Regardless of how hard-fought some of these tournament games have been, a 55-53 slugfest is still endlessly boring.

The game needs to be sped up, scoring needs to increase and the game's magnificent athletes need to be uncaged. Because there is no reason West Virginia, a team graced with a multitude of thoroughbreds, should struggle so much on the offensive end. Which reminds me...

**********

Three games remaining until a champion is crowned. Three boring games. I'm pulling hard for Huggs and everything, but West Virginia plays an ugly brand of basketball. Duke and Michigan State? Not a single next-level player on the roster. And while Butler's Gordon Hayward has the most potential of any Final Four participant, he doesn't often assert himself, and he's still flanked by typical Butler players. Prepare yourself for the worst Final Four since (at least) 2000.

Don't get me wrong, a Butler-Duke title contest would be positively riveting on the David-Goliath scale (an obscure Biblical reference), but the actual game play might put you to sleep.

**********

It appears Kevin Durant is now being called "Durantula." No, really. I'd love to make fun of this, but I'm afraid I'm in the minority here. I have trouble understanding this, but losers everywhere love making up nicknames for established young stars. I can't imagine another trend being more nerdy. I really really hate it. Don't get me wrong, I love nicknames (and especially nickname origins), but only when they come about in a natural fashion (typically in one's youth); they should never be forced. I feel very strongly about this.

Two quick nickname/new media stories that left me scratching my head and contemplating suicide:

1. During a recent Grizzlies-Wizards game (don't ask), the Grizzlies announcers repeatedly called current Wizards guard (and former Grizzly), Mike Miller, "MM33." That's the dumbest goddamn nickname I've ever heard. MM33! No wait...

MM33!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could anything be more ridiculous? It's really hard to say and it was obviously an attempt by a nerdy white announcer to create a cool nickname. Not happening. That will never be cool. Not in my lifetime, holmes.

2. Watched NBA Fastbreak for about ten seconds last week before the studio host (maybe Kevin Connors or Robert Flores, not sure) called a triple double a "trip-dub." Did the studio analyst, Jalen Rose, call him out for this? Of course not; he's not exactly a burgeoning broadcasting talent. Without hesitation I changed the channel and threw my remote control 600 MPH into the couch cushions.

Yes, I desperately wanted to be a credible media member for several years, but I was being blocked by dickheads who thought it was cool (or at least acceptable) to say things like "MM33" and "trip-dub." This is a massive effing problem, and it keeps me up on more nights than I'd like admit.

I blame Stuart Scott and Chris Berman.

**********

Finally, we have Huggs. I won't waste your time explaing my embarrassing affinity for the man, but it goes pretty deep (forgive me, he came to town when I was just 9-years-old). Plus, I've written about him several times and I'm not sure what else I have to add. The list of people I can't discuss rationally is pretty short: Marty Brennaman, Nick Van Exel, Bob Huggins, Howard Stern and that's about it. And Larry David, Tony Kornheiser, David Simon, Barry Larkin, Edinson Volquez, Troy Smith, Antoine Winfield, David Boston and Mike Martz probably make the cut, as well. Okay, maybe my list isn't so short, but Coach Higgs is definitely on top.

Do I consider him a god? Do I make excuses for his past failures? Would I lay down in traffic for the guy? Yep. Yep. Yep. I can't help it, he was responsible for so many great moments in my childhood that I'd root for him if he were fighting my Aunt Bunny in a steel cage death match.

Before I post a few tear-jerking videos, allow me one improbably sentence to illustrate how much of a Huggins fan I was: I used to record his postgame radio shows on a cassette tape.

That's how much I loved Higgy, and I won't apologize for it. As Christopher Moltisanti once spoke of Tony Soprano, "I'd follow that man into hell."

**********

I woke up on Monday in search of...something on YouTube. Can't remember what. Somehow, with fate intervening (or whatever), I quickly stumbled upon two Bearcats season-recap videos from the glorious Final Four season of 1992. Against all odds, I didn't cry. But I was damn close.

Enjoy:

(Lengthy Reds preview coming before Monday morning.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/31/10

Basketball Is A Sport (Elite Eight Picks)

2010-03-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

Me doesnt's have a ton of time this morning, so I'll get right down to it

Four Elite Eight games on the board and winners are everywhere. Follow me to freedom. Every pick below is being considered a lock.

Coach Cal (-4) vs. Huggs

Words: Calipari has KU committed to playing defense, and since they have better athletes than West Virginia (and much more skilled players offensively), this seems like a pretty easy pick. I'm thinking Kentucky 65, WVU 54. West Virginia just can't score. Which means...

Kentucky-WVU UNDER (133.5)

Sentences: This might be the easiest bet on the board.

Kansas State (-4) vs. Butler

Words: As a rule, Cinderella generally goes no further than the Elite Eight (although George Mason spit in the face of that rule a few years ago), and I'm sticking to that again this year. It's been a cute story this year -- all these upsets -- but the Final Four is about the most talented teams facing off on the biggest stage. If you disagree with me, think about how boring a Northern Iowa-Butler Final Four match would have been.

As for betting against Butler today, two things scare me: One, K-State's fatigue (which might be nonexistent). Two, Butler wasn't hot when they took down Syracuse; they missed a ton of open threes. If the mighty Bulldogs get hot, we could have a ballgame with sixty seconds left on the big black hanging watch that also keeps score.

But I'm not expecting that tonight. Kansas State has been to businesslike all tournament to take Butler lightly.

Baylor (+4.5) vs. Duke

Sentences: It's possible that Duke wins here (although I'm not buying it), but it doesn't change the fact that this line is way off, probably by eight or nine points. Baylor should be favored tomorrow. Better athletes, more NBA players, deeper bench...do I need to keep going? Duke plays lock-down defense, but that won't matter if they can't score more than 50. You want to see something funny? Watch Greg Zoubek and the Plumlee brothers (sounds like a garage band) try to keep up with Baylor when they take off the other way. It won't be pretty.

(Note: Despite mentioning in my pre-Sweet 16 column, I forgot to wager on Baylor at 25/1 to win it all. If this happens -- a legitimate possibility -- I'm giving myself the ol' Brooks Hadlin. Sorry, Mom.)

Locks record: 7-5

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/27/10

Definitive Sweet 16 Preview (Loving The Dogs? Really?)

2010-03-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

(Note: The picture above doesn't necessarily have anything to do with collegiate basketball, although this author can safely assume Oliver Purnell has lost a few thousand Tic-Tac-Toe matches in similar fashion.)

Incomplete paragraphs about sports and whatnot:

While it's blatantly obvious that Kentucky and Syracuse are on a collision course to square off on the first Monday in April, I give both teams a decent chance to go down Thursday -- Kentucky to Cornell; Syracuse to Butler. And listen, I'm not putting these heavyweights on upset alert simply because of this year's unpredictable tournament. Nope, not at all. I could be crazy, but I think Cornell and Butler are just really good. The same goes for Northern Iowa -- taking on Michigan State -- and St. Mary's, who gets the pleasure of dancing with the Baylor Please Stop Asking Us About Patrick Dennehy and Carlton Dotsons (or whatever their nickname is).

Of the four underdogs mentioned, I consider St. Mary's the best overall team. Ironically, I consider them the longest longshot of the four. Baylor, with a multitude of long-armed superfreaks, is one of the few teams that won't have to send a double teams towards Omar Samhan.

As for Butler, Cornell and Northern Iowa, I'm taking the points in each of their games this round, and I'm only a little frightened to do so. I'll probably lose one to a blowout (definitely not Northern Iowa), but I think I have a reasonable shot of nailing two out of three.

I want to make something clear: I am not pulling for underdogs simply because it's fun to pull for an underdog. Aside from the fact that each have a legitimate chance to win, I'm rooting for these underdogs because of their style of play. I'll always pull for teams loaded with shooters, just as I'll always pull for any football team that features a pass-heavy, riverboat-gambler offense (perhaps this means I'm flawed). Take this year's Old Dominion squad, or all of the good Southern Illinois teams of the past decade: Good teams, great defensively, dreadful to watch...and ultimately, they hit their ceiling after a round or two. That style of play doesn't fly when heavyweights bring their A Game.

And while I'm not suggesting Butler, St. Mary's, Cornell or Northern Iowa don't have ceilings (they do, and none of them have a chance to win it all), I am suggesting their style of play gives them more than just a puncher's chance to advance to the Elite Eight.

**********

Here's how screwed up my brain is: I'd love to see Kentucky and Syracuse battle it out in Indianapolis -- I think it could go down as an all-time great -- and yet I want to see both of them fall Thursday night.

**********

One last thought about the dogs of round three: Gritty as they may be, I give Purdue little or no chance of moving past Duke on Friday. They'll struggle to score 60 points and the loathsome Blue Devils will own the glass. In fact, let's just make Duke (-8.5) one of my two locks of the Sweet 16 round. I watched both of Purdue's games and they're running on fumes. They were manhandled by Texas A & M, but somehow managed to steal a victory (just a heartbreaking loss for the Aggies). I just don't see that happening against a Duke team who, silently, is playing better defense than anyone in the tournament (including Syracuse). Purdue is without bangers and shooters, and the hyper-intelligent Chris Kramer/Matt Painter tandem is only worth so much. All the effort in the world won't keep the Boilers within fifteen. Duke wins, 66-49. (I guess that means I love under, too.)

Lock No. 2: Washington-West Virginia UNDER (141)

Words: I'd rather make out with my mother on Easter Sunday before taking the over in another WVU game. Are you kidding me? They don't have a point guard and they can't bury open jumpers. Plus, they never take advantage of their athleticism in transition (thanks, Huggs ). And I don't care how hot Washington's been offensively, they haven't seen anything resembling what the Mountaineers have in store defensively. Just watch: Ten minutes into this game and the Huskies will have something like 11 points.

So, with my locks out of the way, let's move on to the rest of the collegiate basketball contests on the docket...

As mentioned above: Butler (+6) vs. The Cuse; Cornell (+8.5) vs. Kentucky University Wildcats; Northern Iowa White People (+1) vs. Izzo; Baylor (-4.5) vs. St. Mary's.

Others's...

Kansas State (-4.5) vs. Xavier

Sentences: I'm pulling for the Muskies, but I just don't see any reason we won't see a repeat of the 71-56 beatdown K-State delivered XU in December. I also have a bad feeling Jordan Crawford will hurt his team by trying to do too much.

Duke-Purdue UNDER (128.5)

Thoughts: It just occurred to me that if any of my ten former bookies were to read this post they might think they're in an alternate universe. I mean, Brad Spieser just doesn't take two unders and three dogs (certainly not when the dogs have names like Butler, Cornell and Northern Iowa).

Ohio State (-4.5) vs. Volunteers

Words: All year long I've considered Tennessee overrated and I'm not backing off that. The Buckeyes seem beatable, but Evan Turner is a lot better than anyone on Tennessee's roster, and I give a decided coaching edge to Thad Matta over Bruce Pearl. I don't love this bet, but a wager on Rocky Top here would be a foolish one. They're not to be trusted.

Locks record: 5-5 (still shaking my head at Texas A & M)

**********

Once again, I'm prematurely calling this bastard quits. It's almost six in the goddamn morning, the sun is coming up, I'd like to eat a bagel, my feet are freezing and I'd like to close my eyes for the next four hours or so. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with my boss, Jesus Christ.

In your face, sinners!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/25/10

State Of UC Hoops; Importance Of Outside Shooting

2010-03-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, before touching on the NCAA tournament, I must first tackle the mighty Cincinnati Bearcats, who saw their season end last night in the prestigious NIT.

(And by the way, it's not the NIT Tournament, it's just the NIT; the letter "T" represents the word tournament. So, to clear things up: It's just the NIT...not the National Invitation Tournament Tournament. Get it straight, DirecTV, ESPN, Every Sports Book in Las Vegas, etc.)

Mick Cronin is coming back next season, and I'm actually excited about this. When I recently wrote this piece most of my readers assumed I wanted the little redhead to receive his walking papers. That, boys and girls, is far from the truth. I am not in love with his coaching decisions, and I'm mostly convinced he isn't the answer, but he could be. And the fact that I'm not completely writing off Cronin's ability to right the ship is precisely why this program needs to keep him around another year.

If Cronin leaves, you're talking about four coaches in less than a decade, which is alarming for a program still trying to crawl itself out from under the mess Nancy Zimpher left behind. Four coaches in seven or eight years reeks of instability, and rival coaches love to focus on instability when recruiting against other programs. Don't go to Cincinnati. You don't know who the coach is going to be.

But it's not just about stability; it's also about recruiting. Mick Cronin, warts and all, can still lure in the nation's top players. As for the guy who eventually replaces Cronin (assuming it's in the near future), well, he might not share Cronin's coaching deficiencies, but he might not be able to bring in Big Boy talent. Plus, let's not forget that UC is a destination job for Cronin, whereas it's likely to be a stepping stone job for the next guy in charge (again, assuming Cronin doesn't last long). If you want UC to be relevant again, you should also want Cronin to be your coach.

Whether you like Cronin or not, the fact remains that UC lost a bunch of 50-50 games this year, and since they return nearly all of their key players (Note: I think Deonta Vaughn will turn out to be addition by subtraction), it's reasonable to assume that many of this year's L's will turn into W's next year. If not, then get rid of the little guy. You have my blessing.

**********

But if the Bearcats are going to take the next step, they need to find a shooter. Desperately. Right now they don't have one, and the two-man recruiting class for 2010 is comprised of 6'8 and 6'10 post players. So, what you're about to read might be pointless.

Cornell, Butler, Northern Iowa and St. Mary's account for 25 percent of the Sweet 16 for one reason and one reason only: accurate long-range shooting.

(Before moving forward, let me acknowledge the fact that St. Mary's wouldn't have made the tourney without Omar Samhan [aka, poor man's David West]. Believe me, I get it. The guy is a stud. I love watching him play. Short sentences are prevalent. Anyway, without a bunch of sharpshooters surrounding Samhan there's no freaking chance the Gaels are alive on the tourney's second weekend. Without marksmen like Mickey McConnell, Matthew Dellavedova and Ben Allen hanging around the perimeter, Samhan would get triple teamed, and his team would get smoked. Fact.)

As for Cornell, Butler and Northern Iowa, all they do is shoot the three; that's the entirety of their offensive game. Just as going five-wide and throwing sixty passes a game is the quickest way to respectability in college football, bombing a million threes each game gives you the best chance to compete with the powers of college hoop. I will not argue this. But seriously, when are college coaches going to figure out what seems so obvious to anyone with cable?

Cornell, Butler, Northern Iowa and St. Mary's start twenty players who most BCS conference schools never even considered recruiting. And I understand how players fall through the cracks or develop later in life, really, I do. But that excuse can't be made for all of them. These kids, I assume, played just as much AAU as Yancy Gates and Lance Stephenson, and -- despite possessing otherworldly range -- were written off by major colleges because of what they couldn't do. Apparently jumping over someone in a dunk contest is more important than winning a three-point contest.

Don't get me wrong, you need elite-level talent to win six consecutive games in March, but you also need to knock down the occasional jumper. And in a trillion years, the most important skill on a basketball court will still be shooting.

Quick, why won't West Virginia cut down the nets this year? If you answered anything but "They don't have anything resembling an accurate perimeter shooter," you'd be an idiot. Bob Huggins is the coach of a really long, remarkably athletic bunch who will fight you to the death for a single loose ball. They also crush their opponent on the boards and obey their coach. All things considered, they're an easy team to root for (regardless of who their coach is). But they can't shoot a lick. West Virginia is easy to guard, and the next team that shoots 45 percent against them will probably win. Trust me, the 'Neers aren't winning it all.

Which is why Lance Stephenson can lead UC to the Final Four next year if he just learns to stick a twenty-footer. It's also why I'd never recruit a 7-foot project like Biggie McLain unless I already had a few bombers on the following year's roster. Give me an under-recruited gunner like Ali Farokhmanesh (or any of the Butler or Cornell dudes) any day of the week over a slow-footed giant with bad hands.

The reality is that my Bearcats probably would have made the tourney this year with the second best shooter on any of those teams. Sad but true.

**********

That's about it for me. I wanted to touch on Baylor being a juicy bet to win it all at 25/1 (by contrast WVU is 5/1), CBS analyst Bob Wenzel comparing Butler forward Gordon Hayward to (of course) Larry Bird, the lady who blocks a bunch of shots without jumping and the draft stock of one Jordan Crawford, but I'm getting kind of sleepy. And my back hurts. Deal with it.

Sweet 16 preview to be posted before tip-off Thursday. Horny?

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/23/10

Tourney Locks: Second Round (Sunday)

2010-03-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

Just woke up. Too much celebrating after Scottie Reynolds crapped the bed last night. Today's locks...

Texas A & M (-2) vs. Purdue.

Words: Secretly, A & M was one of the best teams in the opening round; one of the very few who took care of business from tip to buzzer. But they played in that dreaded 5:00 p.m. EST slot on Friday and nobody noticed. I've liked the Aggies all season and I'm riding them today against a gritty Purdue team. This should be a dog fight, but A & M just has too much for the Boilers.

Maryland (-1) vs. Michigan State

Sentences: There isn't a BCS conference team in the field who plays together better than the Terps. Every time I watch them I think, Jesus, Gary Williams is coaching mid-major talent. And he is! They are slow and unimpressive physically, but it's obvious they love playing with one another (and somehow score a shitload of points in the process). I've been doubting them all year, but it's about time I jump on board. They might not have the juice for a Final Four run (although thanks to Kansas and Georgetown, that's not as far-fetched as it appears), they should get by the enigmatic Spartans.

Locks record: 5-3

**********

I also gots...

Cuse (-6.5) vs. Gonzorga

Cornell (+4.5) vs. Wisconsin -- Cornell isn't as boring as you would think (and they're really effing good).

Missouri-West Virginia OVER (139) -- Yes, I took a WVU over; I'm banking on Mizzou's pace.

Cal-Duke OVER (147.5)

Xavier (+1) vs. Pitt -- The Muskies clearly (yes, clearly) hold the talent edge here.

Ohio State (-6.5) vs. Georgia Tech -- Hated Tech all year (and I don't trust Paul Hewitt)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/21/10

Second Round Picks: Stop! Jimmer Time!

2010-03-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

I gots two locks today, but I'm betting every game.

BYU-Kansas State OVER (155)

Words: If Kansas State commits at all to transition offense, they'll score an easy 80. However...if they commit to slowing down Jimmer Fredette, the man who turned me into a prophet, this could be a game played in the mid-60's. But I happen to think Kansas State will run with the Cougs, and I happen to think my boy Jimmer will stay hot. And if the Fighting Mormoms advance to the Sweet 16, please brace for the worldwide blow job Fredette is about to receive. If you love Jimmer today, you may hate him tomorrow.

St. Mary's (+5) vs. Villanova

In-depth breakdown: Fuck Villanova

Locks record: 3-3 (and optimistic)

**********

And since I'm a degenerate, I'm wagering on every other game today. Don't believe me?

Ohio-Tennessee OVER (141.5) -- See BYU-K. State game; this game could be in 80's or 60's.

Baylor (-4.5) vs. Old Dominion -- I'm afraid Baylor will win by two, but whatever.

Kentucky University (-9.5) vs. Forest, Wake

Northern Iowa White People (+11.5) vs. Kansas Whites and Blacks

Butler (-4.5) vs. Murray's Liquor -- $10 to the first reader who gets the reference.

New Mexico (+2.5) vs. Washington -- It sure seems like everyone loves Washington today.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/20/10

Definitive March Madness Preview (Nearly 3,000 Riveting Words!)

2010-03-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

(Update: I added an extra pick pick below and also went into more depth in my preview of Baylor-Notre Dame, an expected secound round tilt. Please read it. It's the kind of thing that will end up making me look really smart or really goddamn stupid. Anyway, it's less than eight hours before the tip of the tourney's first game, and I can't get to sleep. I might be 29-years-old, but this weekend will always turn me into a sixth grader...and I'll not apologize for this.)

I like basketball. Proof:

1. A lot of people will tell you March Madness is the perfect product, and that the field should stay at 65 teams. Now, I can't argue that the NCAA basketball tournament -- as it currently stands -- isn't my favorite sporting event of the year...because it is. It absolutely is my favorite sporting event of the year. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be better with more teams.

For one, more games equal more gambling. Always a plus. More games also means more potential for crazy shit to happen. And it wouldn't eliminate Cinderella at all; the Morgan States and Sam Houston States and Vermonts would still be sizable underdogs. And an upset by any of those teams would still make for front page news.

In the end, how could anyone have a problem with more tournament games? So what if teams like Cincinnati, UConn, Ole Miss, et al., were mediocre all year, I can guarantee you their tournament games would be as hard fought as a typical Wisconsin rebounding drill. Trust me, more games would work. And you would watch. And you'd be just as unproductive at work.

And you'd love every freaking second of it.

I vote YES on a field of 96!

2. Since I was a teeny tiny boy, this time of year always brings about an annoying trend: Every TV or radio host complains that his guest is being too boring with his or her Final Four picks. Inevitably, Guest X predicts three No. 1 seeds and a No. 2 seed (or whatever), and the annoying host always says, "C'mon! Be a little bold with your prediction!"

This drives me nuts. Isn't the objective -- especially if you're an ESPN college basketball analyst -- not to be different, but to be right? I'm kind of like Marlo Stanfield: My name is my name.

My opinion matters to me. I like it that people want to know what I think -- and if I predict Syracuse, Kentucky and Kansas to make the Final Four, don't give me crap because I didn't give you Cornell, Clemson, Villanova and Michigan State. I like being right about this stuff. In related news...

3. Advice: When filling out brackets, only pick sleepers if you know a little something about them (or everything about their opponent). Usually what happens is this: Some dope picks Sam Houston State to win in round one for the hell of it, and loses. Meanwhile, some other No. 13 seed eeks out a win you didn't predict and now you're stuck with two losses instead of one. Sticking with the top four seeds (and probably the top five) in each region is generally the smart play.

4. I watched ninety seconds of the Warriors-Lakers match last night and received plenty of usable material for this section of my March Madness post.

After Stephen Curry embarrassed a Laker defender with a nifty step-back high banker, the camera zoomed in on Kobe Bryant, who was sitting on the bench. Kobe's reaction? He leaned over to Adam Morrison, and said, "That mutha fucka awesome." I am not deaf, nor am I an expert lip reader, but I would bet my mother's life that those were his exact words. I can't tell you why I love that so much, but I can't stop thinking about it. Which makes for a nice little transition for me...

Stephen Curry was an otherworldly college player, and although he didn't play point guard much back then (at least not when Davidson made it to within an eyelash of the Final Four), he was clearly capable. Stephen Curry is the greatest college three-point shooter ever. And again, he's also a good NBA point guard as a rookie. Fact and fact.

So why in the hell did Davidson's coach, Bob McKillop, run Curry right into a double team on the most critical play in the history of the program? Watch the video. Steph Curry can get his shot off over every guard in the NBA, and yet his dumb coach -- down two to eventual champion Kansas -- instructed a freaking high screen with a big post player with no perimeter skills. In other words, whoever was guarding the big white screener was now going to help swallow up Stephen Curry and force him to give up the ball. Which Curry did, roughly five seconds before the end of their season. To recap: Bob McKillop drew up a play that guaranteed the tourney's best player would pass the ball on a possession where his team needed a bucket.

Maybe Curry would have bricked a step back three, or dribbled off his leg. And maybe Kansas would have sent a double team anyway. Regardless, I'd like to point out, two years later, that I still haven't forgiven Bob McKillop for robbing us of, potentially (and I'm not overstating this), the greatest moment in tourney history. Jackass.

4. Remember 1993? I do. That's when a fierce rivalry was going down: Elite Eight vs. Great Eight. Back then, some of us called it the Great Eight, while others preferred the Elite Eight. It was pretty annoying, really. But then, one day (probably '96 or '97), the rivalry went away and America agreed to call it the Elite Eight. Had to get that off my chest.

5. Before I get to my round one locks -- and believe me, I have more than a few -- allow me to, without any real flow, speak a few words on this year's field...

*Syracuse, Kentucky and Kansas are markedly better than every other team in the field. Are they sure-fire locks for the Final Four? Of course not. But picking against them because of a flaw (such as Kentucky's youth/outside shooting or Syracuse's depth) is kind of dumb. All 65 teams have flaws, but the aforementioned trio have the least of them. They also have the most next-level talent, best defenses and guard play. You'd be a fool not to pick one of these three squads to cut down the nets.

**Just because Duke was gift-wrapped a relatively easy bracket, and just because everyone in America seemingly hates them (Hell, I hate them) doesn't mean they suck, either. They're pretty damn good, and if they were a No. 4 seed, we'd all be discussing how dangerous they are. For yet another season Duke isn't overly deep or athletic, but they have a roster most coaches would die for. I have the Blue Devils going down in the Elite Eight to Baylor (and they could go down sooner), but it shouldn't surprise anyone if they make it to Indianapolis.

***It's too bad Villanova revealed their warts at the end of the season, because I've thought they were overachievers all year. Great coach + marginal talent only gets you so far in March...especially when you're not sneaking up on anyone (like Nova won't be). Whether it's round two or three, I'm betting against Nova and winning money. This also means, for all you office pool maniacs, that Scottie Reynolds is nowhere near talented enough to lead his team to six (or even four) consecutive March victories. Trust me.

****Prepare for Jimmer Fredette's coming out party. Who? Jimmer Fredette, BYU scoring machine. He's got the catchy name, the skin color and the Mad Bomber style of play that both media and fans adore. I'm not sure if they'll get by Kansas State in round two (and they should get by Florida in round one), but he has a legitimate chance to be the Wally Szczerbiak or Bryce Drew of the 2010 tournament. I'm rooting for it, too, because, for two months now I've predicted that Jimmer Fredette is giving somebody 40 points in the tourney. Don't let me down, Jimmer. And if you do, you should consider a name change.

*****I don't know if Richmond will beat St. Mary's, but I know their lead guard, Kevin Anderson, is plenty good enough to do it all by himself. Keep an eye on that boy. Love him.

******Nobody knows a thing about New Mexico State, and yet they receive a No. 12 seed over two teams everyone loves, Siena and Murray State? Huh? This seemed crazy when the field was announced, but even crazier when Vegas posted the lines: In some casinos New Mexico State is a 14-point underdog to Michigan State, while No. 13 seeds Siena (a 4-point dog to Purdue) and Murray State (a 3-point dog to Vandy) are considered virtual coin flips in their games against higher seeded teams. Who is this New Mexico State team, anyway, and why was an underachieving No. 5 seed like Michigan State essentially handed an easy opening-round win?

(Putting the previous paragraph in context, Big East tournament champ West Virginia is only a 17-point favorite against its first opponent, Morgan State. Strange.)

******You never hear a girl say, "I have to take a piss." Just saying.

*******The Big 12 is no joke. Listen, I know teams like Baylor and Kansas State and Texas A & M have no basketball tradition to speak of, but it doesn't mean they're not really good. Because they are. And Kansas is powerhouse. And Missouri and Oklahoma State are really solid. It's very possible that in five days the so-called experts will be raving about the Big 12's dominance.

********As much as I love Baylor, they might not get by Notre Dame in the second round. Shortly after Luke Harangody went down, the Irish committed to playing grind-it-out offense and physical defense. For a team who always sped the game up and tried to goosh a million threes a game, this was pretty radical. But they had to do it. And, shockingly, it worked! Now Harangody is back (and coming off the bench), and the loud-mouthed ball hog is mostly playing by the rules. If he doesn't revert to his old ways, Notre Dame will be a tough out.

Both Baylor and Notre Dame are Final Four worthy. I'm a little more than angry that these two are squaring off in round two. Don't get me wrong, both teams deserved the seeds they received, but neither deserve to face one another so early; that's how well the Bears and Fightin' Green Midgets are playing at the moment. The last time I was this bothered by a potential second-round match was 2003, when Marquette and Missoui, as expected, battled one another in a hotly-contested overtime shootout that felt more like an Elite eight matchup than a round-of-32 match. This could be one of the better games of the tourney.

*********I'm expecting Texas and Wake Forest to produce the most boring game of the first round...and yet they could produce the most exciting. Nobody ever said Rick Barnes and Dino Gaudio weren't overseeing immense talent. Anything is possible here. Jesus, I love March Madness.

**********Siena is really good, and they've won a game in each of the last two tournaments (with the same group of guys who are seniors this year), and everybody seems to love them. Them folks out there love them darn Siena Saints. And so do I. But let's just settle down with this talk of Siena being better than Purdue simply because Robbie Hummel is out. Robbie Hummel is a nice player, but this isn't a Kenyon Martin situation. Purdue is a deep team who defends like crazy and fights for every loose ball. They also have an outstanding coach in Matt Painter who, at 39, has slapped together an impressive March resume.

ALSO...Purdue got stomped in the Big Ten tourney by Minnesota, and everyone directly attributed it to Hummel's injury. It's also fresh on everyone's mind, which puts the Boilers on upset alert. I could see buying into this if Matt Painter weren't their coach, or if senior guard Chris Kramer weren't a lunatic. Purdue doesn't quite qualify as one of my locks (to be revealed in four seconds), but I expect them to beat Siena...and I'll certainly be wagering on them.

***********Syracuse guard Andy Rautins isn't among Chad Ford's Top 100 NBA prospects. That, boys and girls, is the height of stupidity. Oklahoma's Willie Warren is 28th on the very same list. That, boys and girls, is fifty-thousand miles beyond preposterous. Rautins is far superior to Warren, and I'll bet you right now the Canadian will have a better NBA career than the enigmatic Sooner. I'm not sure what scouts aren't seeing in Rautins, but I see a guy with good size for a combo guard (6'4), excellent passing ability and range, and maybe the quickest pair of hands around (nine games with 3 or more steals this year). And for a guy with a full complement of all-around offensive skills, he's really unselfish. Maybe too unselfish, but I won't hold that against him. Anyway, if you're looking for a player to vault up draft boards this March, pay a little extra attention to Andy Rautins.

***********I'm taking Doug Gottlieb's advice on this whole Temple-Cornell thing. He says the Owls will take care of the Big Red, and his argument makes a lot of sense. Both teams share the exact system, except Temple features superior talent. Cornell has ten guys who shoot over 37% from long distance, yet Temple is pretty dang great at defending the three. Good enough for me. Betting Temple seems logical.

Final Four picks: Kentucky, Kansas, Syracuse and Baylor.

Championship: Syracuse over Kentucky.

(Worth mentioning: If anyone trips up Syracuse, I'm riding Kentucky hard to the finish. UK has far and away the most talented team in the field, but I just don't think they shoot well enough to beat Syracuse's deadly zone.)

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Okay, boys and girls, here we go with the first round locks. I feel extremely confident this year, so it would be wise to bet your life savings on the following games, and I guarantee a profit...

Missouri (+1) vs. Clemson

Words: Text I sent out during the selection show: "Lock of millennium: Missouri over Clemson. Mike Anderson vs. shitty Oliver Purnell. Big 12 vs. shitty ACC. Line isn't out yet and I PROMISE a winner." The tribe has spoken.

But hang on, I want to stroke Mike Anderson a little more: The dude brought three tourney wins to UAB in two years (think about that for a second) and had a grossly undersized Missouri team last year just a few possessions short of the Final Four. I know he's black and everything, but Mike Anderson can coach.

Speaking of coaching ability, Oliver Purnell doesn't have any. He's an uninspiring goof who coaches team that possess no mental toughness and routinely underachieve. Clemson's talent suggests they should be a No. 3 seed; instead they're just another forgettable No. 7 who will get bounced by their first opponent.

Syracuse (-17.5) vs. Vermont

Sentences: Aside from the obvious -- a No. 1 has far more talent than a No. 16 -- consider this: It was just 2005 when Vermont took down Syracuse in round one, and I think Jim Boeheim will use that as motivation for his players to avoid a repeat of five years ago. I also think Boeheim would like to throw his fan base a bone and beat the bloody hell out of the team who ruined everyone's March not so long ago. And if everything I've just written is complete bullshit, and you still bet on Syracuse, at least you've got money on a great team at a reasonable line.

Wisconsin (-10) vs. Wofford

Stuff: I like Wisconsin a lot. They might be boring, but they're not terribly unathletic (like they are perceived) and they have playmakers and shooters outside. They also don't make mistakes and they fight like hell on defense. The Badgers might lose to Temple in round two (it'll be a bloodbath), but they will murder Wofford on Friday. I'm thinking something like 70-48

Baylor (-11) vs. Sam Houston State

Things: This is now the third mention of Sam Houston State in this post, and that's because they've been on my mind quite a bit since Sunday. I don't know a single thing about them, but I know Baylor is awesome. Baylor plays with an edge -- with a big giant chip on their shoulder -- and they also have big boy talent. It appears they've become the chic Final Four pick, and sometimes that scares me, but not with this bunch. Baylor has the Eye of the Tiger, and they're about to win by thirty. Easy money, kids. Easy money.

Notre Dame (-2) Old Dominion

Words: Old Dominion won at Georgetown and played Missouri to within five...so the Monarchs are no slouch. But, as stated a few hundred words ago, I love what Mike Brey's done with this Irish squad. Which leads me to another lock...

Notre Dame-Old Dominion UNDER (122)

Sentences: Old Dominion only cracked 80 points in four games this year. That's remarkable. It also tells me they don't have a prayer of scoring with ease against Notre Dame. The Rudy Ruettigers went 6-1 down the stretch and squeezed the life out of the following opponents: Pitt (53 points); Georgetown (64); UConn (50); Marquette (60); Seton Hall (56); Pitt (45); West Virginia (53). It might be a gay game to watch, but it will still win you American dollars.

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Other bets that don't qualify as locks: Along with Temple (-3.5) and Purdue (-4), I'm also jumping on the following: A & M (-3), BYU (-4.5), Georgetown (-13), San Diego State (+3), Richmond (-1.5), UNLV (-1), Marquette (-1.5), Murray State-Vandy OVER (141), Louisville-Cal OVER (149.5), Michigan State-New Mexico State OVER (148.5) and Xavier (+1).

That's all for now, my people. I really won't mind if I don't win money, so long as I don't lose any. I actually kind of mean that. March Madness will be glorious if I get one buzzer beater, a legitimate Cinderella still alive in the second weekend and a No. 1 or 2 seed receiving the scare of their life in round one.

Good luck to all of my fellow degenerates out there. Let's make this March a winner! My round two picks will be revealed late Friday or early Saturday. Stay tuned...

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/16/10

Laveranues Coles Was A Waste Of Dollars

2010-03-04T11:45:00.001-08:00

Since I'm catching up on things and adjusting to a new schedule and whatnot, I'm still behind on several topics.

Such as...

1. The Bengals recently released Laveranues Coles. As much as I enjoy being right about my predictions -- and I really enjoy being right -- I hate when it means one of the teams I follow will suffer. For example: I hated everything about the ridiculous contract the Bengals gave Laveranues Coles last offseason, but I still wanted to be proven wrong. I root for the Bengals. I'll always root for the Bengals. And if the two men who beat up my mother were the starting defensive ends, well, I'd still support the Bengals. That's just how it goes. But it doesn't mean I'm a blind optimist, either. I take too much pride in having a knowledgeable opinion, and I refuse to get sucked in by glowing quotes from head coaches on blatantly biased websites (like Bengals.com) or in fluff pieces written by nerds who get bullied by players (like 99% of all beat writers).

I'm not saying I was the only person who thought the Coles contract was an awful idea, but it sure seems that way. It's hard not to. When you consider that every piece of feedback I received regarding Coles was of the disagreeing variety, it's easy to see why I felt obligated to write the very words you're reading.

Listen, I'm right more than I'm wrong. And my opinion should matter more than it does. If those last two sentences make me an arrogant jerk, so be it. At least I don't kiss Coach Marvin's ass just because he gave me an extra second of his time. Nobody in their right mind should've been excited about Laveranues Coles coming to town, and everybody should've been flat-out pissed at his ridiculous contract. I'd harp on this a little longer, but I have more gloating in store...

2. (Item temporarily removed due to UC's unexpected run to the Big East quarterfinals, but let's just say it was a big fat I told you so regarding Yancy Gates. Item to be posted at the conclusion of UC's season, which I hope is the first week of April. Until then, I'm staying positive. Go Cats!)

3. Due to the temporary removal of item No. 2, I'm leaving you with something that's been on my mind lately, mostly because I've eaten quite a bit of Benadryl Cold tablets over the last few days: Have you ever noticed that the word drowsy is only used when referring to side effects of medication? It's true. You'll never hear anyone say, "I'm drowsy, I think I'll take a nap." Think about it.

That's all for now. If the Bearcats keep winning, I'll delay my Yancy Gates post and explain why the great majority of spring training articles are completely worthless.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/11/10

Unrealistic Movie Scene (Basic Instinct Edition)

2010-02-26T12:42:00.000-08:00

In Basic Instinct, Sharon Stone beat a murder rap by exposing her vagina to the guy who played Newman...and yet, that's nowhere near the most unrealistic scene in that incredibly dated film.

Nope. Not even close.

The most unrealistic scene in the movie is when Sharon Stone (whose character probably has a name) uses an ice pick and a giant block of ice as a way of creating miniature ice blocks to place in boozy drinks for herself and Michael Douglas. Hear me out...

Remember, Sharon Stone's character was rich. She was a well-known author living in a freaking palace. And it was 1992! Why in the hell was she still using an ice pick? Ever heard of an ice-maker? Or even ice trays? Nothing about using an ice pick appears even remotely convenient, and unless she can use an ice pick to make Wendy's-style ice cubes (or Rally's), which I doubt, I can't find a good reason for a rich person in 1992 using an ice pick.

**********

I can't find a good video of the scene in question, but it does appear at the 1:19 mark of the trailer. Enjoy:

Exposed vagina or not, this movie is stupid.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
3/4/10

UC's Still On The Bubble? Really?

2010-02-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else think it's comical that (ESPN bracketologist) Joe Lunardi's current projections have UC among the first four teams to miss the NCAA tournament?

This is not to suggest that Joe Lunardi is an idiot; in fact, I'm pretty sure quite the opposite is true. ESPN employs one bracketologist -- only one -- and Lunardi is their man. He gets paid to be bloody accurate when projecting each year's tourney. So, anyway, Lunardi is just doing his job. And if he places UC very much in contention for an at-large bid, I believe him. I need you to know that.

I need him to know that.

I believe you, Joe Lunardi. Really, I do.

What I find comical is why UC remains in contention. The Fighting Cincinnati Bearcats are in contention, essentially, because they defeated Maryland and Vanderbilt on a neutral floor (in Maui).

This happened before Thanksgiving.

Vanderbilt and Maryland have improved dramatically since the Maui Invitational (especially Vandy), while UC has quite obviously regressed.

What was true then -- UC being better than Vandy and Maryland -- is nowehere near true now. But this isn't about Maryland or Vanderbilt. This is about UC laughingly receiving consideration due to its body of work.

This is not a tournament-worthy team.

If this team displayed the type of passion they did in those Maui wins -- or even the passion displayed in devastating losses to Xavier, Gonzaga and Pitt (all played more than six weeks ago) -- I'd still argue for UC's inclusion into the tournament.

But I can't. This is a hard team to argue for. Aside from a win at UConn against the enigmatic Huskies, these Bearcats have been an embarrassing mess on the road. It's not the losses that kill me; it's the consistent inability to stay in games when things aren't going their way. I see no fight in them. The Notre Dame and South Florida blowouts were particularly disturbing. That crap you hear every season about controlling your own destiny was true about these Bearcats (it still is, technically, but let's be serious), and on recent trips to South Bend and Tampa -- with absolutely everything on the line, facing teams with less overall talent -- they laid eggs.

Huggins wouldn't have let this happen. His teams always dug a little deeper. He gave them no other choice.

Do I think Cronin deserves 100 percent of the blame for this? You betcha.

Do I want to see the little guy fired? My answer is on the way.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
2/24/10

Catching Up: Part Deux (Danica Patrick and Juan Pablo Montoya)

2010-02-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

I'm almost positive the Daytona 500 was last weekend, but I could be wrong. Either way, that got me thinking about my lone experience at a NASCAR event.

I went to Talledega just a few years ago (documented here, here and here, and immortalized in five different podcasts), and in just three days I witnessed more racism, sexism and overall white male stupidity than I've witnessed in my 29 years on the planet -- and I'm very white, very male and very stupid.

NASCAR events -- especially in the south, I presume -- are still 99 percent white and 85 percent male. Nobody is wearing shirts, the Confederate flag is everywhere and it's not terribly difficult to overhear a few hundred N-Bombs on an average race weekend.

The typical race fan may have evolved slightly since the days of Cale Yarborough and Donnie Allison, but not at the rate of the rest of civilization. For example: I spent an entire day in Talledega wearing a sleeveless, "FUCK YALL I'M FROM ALABAMA" T-shirt (in Confederate flag lettering) and every idiot down there thought it was the greatest piece of clothing ever designed. Not a single person down there could have imagined I was mocking them. I would say irony was lost on them, but I'm pretty sure they don't know what irony is.

Trust me when I say that NASCAR Fan 2K10 is not the poster child for progress.

That being the case, I'm praying like crazy -- and if there is a God, please answer me this one time -- that Danica Patrick and Juan Pablo Montoya finish in the top two in every race from now until the end of eternity.

And by "the end of eternity," I mean until it bankrupts NASCAR, which, by my calculations, would take less than eighteen months.

Don't let me down, Catholicism!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
2/22/10

Catching Up: Part One (Haiti Earthquake/Mr. Polynice's Nose Edition)

2010-02-18T21:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you haven't heard from me in 67 days. Sixty-seven days. That's like, a really long time, or whatever. Since the last time we saw each other I've (a.) moved to Vegas, (b.) witnessed the birth of my fourth son (Darren, obviously), (c.) slapped a woman for making fun of my pants and (d.) partied with Better than Ezra's first drummer!

That's a remarkable stretch, all things considered. Except it's not true. Well, other than the part about moving to Vegas it's not. But I did move to Vegas. That definitely happened. In fact, I'm here now. I drove 28 goddamn hours in my brilliant 1998 Dodge Intrepid to get to this place, and I can tell you with absolute certainty, I'm not sure it was worth it. But we'll see. I'll fill you in on the gory details over the following months -- or maybe I won't; I suck at keeping promises. What I do promise, I think, is that I'll play catch-up on the topics that came and went in my two-months-and-change sabbatical. And if you've been a regular reader of mine, you know how this works: Just because I'm a maniacal sports fan with endless opinions on major events (e.g., Super Bowl, Final Four, etc.) doesn't guarantee I'll actually get around to commenting on them. I'd like to, but sometimes life (and laziness) get in the way. But I'll undoubtedly get around to the topics that had me laughing uncontrollably or pissed off for days over these last 1,604 hours.

Which leads me to my first post since December 9, 2009...

Quick, what's the first thing that pops into your head when you think about the Haiti earthquake? Olden Polynice's dad's gigantic nose, right?

Or, maybe that's just me. Explain.

When I think about one of the greatest tragedies to strike Latin America this decade, I don't think about lives lost or heroic efforts, I think about the man who had sex with Mrs. Polynice 45 years ago. And why? Because Olden Polynice is Haitian, as is the rest of his family. This made the former Sonic/Clipper/Piston/King/Sonic/Jazz/Clipper relevant last month. This meant that he appeared with Dr. Phil on Dr. Phil's TV show, Dr. Phil, and made said appearance as his dad -- who hadn't had contact with Olden since the quake -- surprised him on set for the world to see.

It may have been a touching moment; I honestly can't remember. Just one look at Mr. Polynice's nose and I was out for the count. It felt like Brutus the Barber Beefcake had given me the sleeper hold again. Anyway, see for yourself. Watch this video and tell me if you've ever seen anything quite as mesmerizing as Mr. Polynice's massive nose:

Glad to be back, boys and girls. Glad to be back. And if you'll allow me a moment to be sappy, I'd like to thank all the readers who emailed me since I stepped away. It will never cease amazing me that I've connected with strangers to the point that time is taken out of their day to not only check my sporadically-updated website, but email me their thoughts. Thank you, thank you.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
2/19/10

Shaun Suisham Can Go Play In Traffic

2009-12-09T07:18:00.000-08:00

There's a very real chance that -- one million years from now -- former Redskins kicker Shaun Suisham will be a famous historical figure-----like, one of the guys you learn about in your fifth grade American History class (e.g., Eli Whitney). This is because he missed an easy field goal towards the end of regulation that would have dealt the New Orleans Saints their first loss of the season.

If Suisham nails the field goal, the Saints simply become another good team, which also means they won't be a subject in futuristic textbooks, either.

And I know you think you know where I'm going with this. You think I'm going to flip the switch on you and explain why Shaun Suisham -- assuming the Saints win the Super Bowl and finish the season undefeated -- will benefit a great deal from his embarrassing mishap. You think I'm going to tell you why he will enjoy a lifetime of riches as a motivational speaker. And you think I'm going to tell you why -- again, assuming the Saints run through the postseason with an unblemished record -- it will be awesome to be Shaun Suisham, because, for the rest of his life, he will be incomprehensibly desirable to female Saints fans.

But then you'd be wrong.

Because I hate Shaun Suisham, and I kind of hope he gets polio.

Just a few weeks back, while I was absorbing the beating of a lifetime in Vegas, that idiot had the nerve to miss a kick that would have earned me eight-hundred dollars. Again: EIGHT-HUNDRED GODDAMN DOLLARS! CAPS LOCK! ANGER!

Without explaining long-shot parlays to those of you who look down at the ancient art of sports gambling, let me just fast forward to the juicy details of my disastrous weekend in the desert: I made a $20 wager that would pay me 40/1 if I picked the correct side of four separate NFL games. Three of those games had a point spread, and I banged home everyone of them. The fourth -- the game that was mostly responsible for jacking the odds up to 40/1 -- was the Redskins money line over the Cowboys. This means that, although the Redskins were double-digit underdogs, I wasn't taking the points; I was betting the Redskins to win outright.

Which they almost did.

Which they would have done had Shaun Suisham not missed his first two kicks of the season, including one late in the fourth quarter that would have given the Redskins an essentially insurmountable 9-0 lead.

Upon missing the kick that would have given the Redskins a relatively comfortable advantage, Tony Romo led the Cowboys down the field, and -- with a little more than two minutes remaining -- connected with receiver Patrick Crayton for the game's only touchdown.

Final score: Cowboys 7, Redskins 6.

Shaun Suisham will never be forgiven. Not in my house, he won't

Suisham only missed three field goals all year-----and one of those misses might go down as the second or third most famous miss in NFL history. And maybe I'm alone on this, but I happen to think, despite the historical implications of that one miss -- the one that kept the Saints' miracle season alive -- Shaun Suisham was responsible for two greater blunders in the winter of 2009 alone.

American History was an overrated subject, anyway.

**********

For the nonbelievers...

Pass the dynamite!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
12/9/09

Hillbillies, Gays And Child Molesters (Podcast)

2009-12-03T12:42:00.000-08:00

Craig's family is stereotypically hillbilly. His mom wouldn't sit next to someone with AIDS. His older brother ("The Hobbit") routinely calls people who work for him, "fat queers." His younger brother ("The Snake"), despite having type 1 diabetes, eats ice cream sandwiches and tropical Skittles all day long. I could go on and on. Nobody graduated from high school, and everyone hates the gays.

Thems is the kind of things Craig and I discuss on our latest podcast, "Hillbillies, Gays and Child Molesters."

Also, if it seems like I don't know that India is located in Asia, it's merely because we didn't explain an inside joke. To us, Asia is comprised of Japan, China and Korea. You know, because they look Asian. All other Asian countries, even important ones like India, are just individual countries with no continental affiliation. I'm sure you understand. Please enjoy the podcast.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
12/3/09

Stop Me If You've Heard This: College Football Needs A Playoff

2009-11-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

It's been a minute since I've written anything, and I appreciate all of the emails you people have sent my way since I left for Vegas. To be honest, I'm dealing with a few major developments that have put my mind in a strange place. Lately it's been impossible for me to sit in front of my computer and bang out anything of substance. Writing has always been difficult for me, but I've never experienced anything like this-----and I'm really not sure when I'm going to snap out of it.

Sad thing is, there's a myriad of topics on my mind at the moment (including the topic of this post). The Bearcat hoopers are making daddy proud, Cameron Heyward validated every glowing comment I've ever made about the guy, the goddamn Bengals are going to host a playoff game and I just got back from Vegas.

Beyond all of that, there's Nick Van Exel. Not only was his birthday less than a week ago...and not only was he in town last night as a member of the Texas Southern coaching staff...but his spitting image, Milwaukee's Brandon Jennings, came into the league and turned me into an eleven-year-old boy all over again. So, like I said, I have an endless bucket of crap to write about...and yet...I'm struggling. Big time. I'm not in need of pity, but I would like you to be patient; I haven't given up my dream of making this sucker work. But right now I have no idea how to make that a possibility.

***********

What you're about to read is something you may have partially read before. About a year ago I wrote passionately about college football's need for a tournament (I did this in two parts: here and here). I feel like I made solid arguments all the way around, but things have changed since then. And, of course, UC is involved this year. So, I updated last year's posts and re-worded some arguments, and what remained was the following piece:

The Cincinnati University Fighting Bearcats have ***no chance*** of playing in this year's BCS championship game, and that's more than a little stupid. The same can be said about undefeated mid majors TCU and Boise State, two teams who are good enough to beat absolutely anybody on a perfect night.

(***This is under the assumption that Texas and the Florida/Alabama winner finish their seasons without a loss***)

But arguing on behalf of UC and Boise and TCU is boring. For one, everyone else is doing it. For deux, it's only a small part of the argument I want to make. That is, the one I'm about to make.

I used to roll my eyes every time my dad suggested a 64-team tournament in college football; I agreed the current setup was a disaster, but I was more of an 8- or 16-team guy. But I've come around. Dad was right.

Sure, a No. 16 seed could never win it all, and it'd be incredibly difficult for a No. 12 seed to advance to the Sweet 16, but so what? How's that any different than March Madness?

I cringe with every excuse made for the BCS, and I start throwing my nephew's Hot Wheels across the room whenever I hear how the current setup gives college football the most exciting regular season of all the major sports.

Who the hell cares? Wouldn't you like to have the most exciting postseason of all the major sports? If that doesn't make sense to you, think of it in terms of pornography: Would you ever hear a porn star claiming to be the best kisser in the industry? Of course not! But that's the kind of ridiculousness we're dealing with here.

Regardless, aren't tournaments fun? College hoops doesn't always crown the best team, but I never hear anyone complaining.

**********

The folks making up the anti-playoff community usually envision at least two problems that aren't really problems: The season being too long (but it would really only effect four teams) and something about academic schedules (as if the coaches care about the "student" in student-athlete).

You could start the season every year on the last Saturday in August, trim regular season schedules from 12 to 11 (or even 12 to 10 and force the Big Ten and Pac 10 to play conference championships), give every team one bye week and the regular season would finish before Thanksgiving. Start the tournament the following Saturday and all but four teams are left on New Year's Day. It really is that simple.

Isn't this a better plan than the ridiculous BCS? Wouldn't you rather see a 64-team field over a measly four teams competing? Think about this year: Who would be your 4-team field? Florida and Alabama (regardless of the game's outcome), Texas (assuming they win, and maybe even if they don't) and...who? UC? TCU? Boise? It still wouldn't be fair. Keep your four-team playoff to yourself. The only reason you even suggest it is because (a.) you heard someone else say it, or (b.) you haven't really thought it through. Trust me, having only four teams compete for the title accomplishes nothing. We need to go bigger, dammit! This is America!

**********

Again, think of it in terms of March Madness.

Every year the tourney offers a team (or teams) a shot at redemption. Whether it be a young team pulling it together at just the right time or a team that struggled with injury/chemistry issues early in the season, the tournament always offers a team or two who possess the right amount of swagger and skill to pull off the unthinkable.

But college football doesn't work like that.

College football has no place for Miami, who is very young, but also a nightmare matchup when they're hitting on all cylinders.

College football has no place for Stanford or Pitt, two dangerous teams who came out of nowhere this year to scare the BeJesus out of traditional heavyweights.

College football has no place for Iowa, who -- far as I can tell -- is getting screwed over more than everyone who isn't undefeated. They lost their QB, Ricky Stanzi, to injury early in a close loss to a better-than-mediocre Northwestern bunch. And then, with Stanzi still out, they took Ohio State to overtime (in Columbus!) before falling. That's it. According to me the Hawkeyes are still a very good team, and it would be nice if a healthy Ricky Stanzi led them onto the field in the NCAA tournament. But they'll never know if they were good enough to compete for the title, because the NCAA is penalizing them for a mid-season injury. Iowa's reward: They'll be playing in the Nondescript Bowl, against a nondescript team, in a game we'll probably not watch and undoubtedly won't remember.

Another team I feel sorry for is Oklahoma. The Sooners' Heisman-winning QB Sam Bradford injured his shoulder in an early-season loss to BYU. The thinking at the time was, If they can stay afloat without him, maybe he can return and lead the Sooners to a one-loss season and (maybe) they could play for the BCS championship. That was just stupid. Bradford was rushed back and he re-injured his shoulder. The Sooners continued to lose games, Bradford (a junior) declared for the NFL draft, and his career might never be the same (I'm being dramatic, but it's a possibility).

Now, what if Oklahoma held Bradford out a few more weeks, letting him fully heal, and geared up for the tournament? Chances are, they still wouldn't be good enough to make a Final Four run, but you never know. Either way, can you imagine the Sooners grabbing a No. 9 seed and winning in round one? Now you're looking at something like an Alabama-Oklahoma bloodbath before the Sweet Sixteen.

Seriously, how much fun would that be?

So, you can argue for Boise and TCU and Cincinnati, but it accomplishes very little. Your argument needs expansion.

**********

Yeah, these bowls sure are a lot of fun.

You know what was my favorite bowl game last year? If you guessed the EagleBank Bowl, in the words of Jules from Pulp Fiction, "You a smart mutha f**ka." Except I'm joking. It was the dumbest bowl game in the history of dumb bowl games, and I didn't even watch it. Know why? Because Wake Forest and Navy, two boring squads with no national following, were playing a rematch of a regular season game three months prior. No intrigue, nothing at stake, no audience (aside from gamblers and family members). Allow me to misuse the word literally here: There was literally no reason to watch last year's EagleBank Bowl.

But if Wake Forest and Navy had squared up last year in the first round of last year's tournament, nobody would've cared that it was a rematch. Sure, it wouldn't have been a dream matchup, but the ratings would've quintupled (or quinjillioned) those of the EagleBank Bowl. The reason: office pools. Every mom in America fills them out, and they're far and away the number one reason why the NCAA tournament is what it is.

But I digress...

Look, this is a football-crazed country, and there is absolutely no way a 64-team tournament wouldn't be bloody successful. Sure, there are probably a handful of kinks I've failed to recognize, but I'm sure the college educated gentlemen who comprise the NCAA could figure it out with some quickness. Well, maybe not. But it doesn't mean I'm crazy, either.

I'm not crazy, am I? Am I crazy?

**********

From the Oh Yeah Department: Stop telling me 64 teams would be too many, and stop reminding me how many more teams compete in D-I hoops compared to D-I football. I know. Really, I do. But I also don't care. The NBA and NHL send roughly half their leagues to the playoffs - and often times multiple teams with losing records - and I don't see a massive uproar. Plus, a whopping 68 teams are competing in bowl games this year! Whatever. I know I'll never see the day, but a 64-team tournament is doable. And for those of you who disagree, I'd love you to email me and tell me how much you hated when No. 13 seed George Mason shocked the world and made the 2006 Final Four.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)

12/2/09

Headed To Vegas!

2009-11-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

I was awake for a total of nine hours on Tuesday.

It's a very real possibility that I won't sleep a total of nine hours for the next four days.

Reason? Nevada.

It would be an understatement to say that I'm excited about traveling to the desert.

**********

As is always the case when I travel (especially to Nevada), I'm a little behind as far as this site is concerned. Before I left, I desperately wanted to write about Brandon Jennings and Cameron Heyward and Mike Zimmer and how much I hate white people, but that just ain't gonna happen. I still have to purchase mini-toiletries and lip balm and chewing gum. And, of course, I need to remind myself not to forget my cell phone charger and an extra wife beater. (And should I bring a fancy pair of trousers?)

As you can plainly see, I'm a little stressed at the moment.

Plus, I have to leave for work in a few minutes.

**********

So, because I'm predictably behind on my day, there will be no Vickers picks this weekend. Sadly. And I'm not bringing my Dell computer on the trip, either. However, I will document every single sports wager I make over the course of the weekend -- and try to estimate how much I risked at various gaming tables -- and I think you'll soon find that I'm the walking definition of "degenerate."

I promise you: This will blow your mind.

I promise you: You will lose respect for me in less than one week.

Wish me luck!

**********

Mom,

I love you.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/19/09

The Bengals Can Win The Super Bowl! No, Seriously

2009-11-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

Things are happening with these Bengals. Yes, they are. Things. Happening. Like, winning in a way we've never really seen before. And by "we've," I mean me. And by "before," I mean since I was nine. The Bengals are playing a boring brand of football, but it's legitimate. No smoke, no mirrors. The Bengals are freaking good, and dare I say it...Super Bowl Contenders.

Raise your hand if you want my thoughts on the current state of Cincinnati's professional football team? That's what I thought...

1. I get the feeling that the Larry Johnson signing is viewed positively, and I'm not really sure why that is. For one (and most importantly), he might not be any good. Over his last 483 carries, dating back to game 1 of the '07 season, Johnson's averaged 3.7 yards per carry. For deux, is he really needed? The Bengals next three games are against Oakland, Detroit and Cleveland, and the Bengals will be overwhelming favorites in each. So, I know Cedric Benson is a little banged up, and I know Bernard Scott can't fully be trusted, but my Aunt Dorothy could be the Bengals' starting RB for those games and they'll still likely be 10-2. For three, he's a dumb jackass, and he always has been, dating back to his days at Penn State. The dude is a frontrunner -- which can be okay -- but the second things aren't going his way, he becomes a cancer of epic proportions.

The Larry Johnson move might end up being a smart move, and it may be of no consequence. But I just feel as if the whole thing was completely unnecessary. Why risk screwing up perfect chemistry??

2. Chad Ochocinco was once one of the more brilliant deep threats in American football, and then he wasn't. Why is that? To the best of my knowledge he's still capable of blowing by defenders; in fact, every highlight of one of Ochocinco's receptions shows DBs still very much on their heels when chasing No. 85 around. I know he's still got it, and I'm guessing the rest of the team knows he's still got it. So, why -- with Chris Henry out for the season -- isn't Ochocinco being sent deep several times each game (or rather, why isn't Carson Palmer attempting deep passes more frequently)? It seems to me that I'm more concerned with this than others-----trust me, this will be an issue come playoff time. Look at it this way: Even without Henry, the Bengals have the personnel to go deep, and are more or less refusing to unleash that weapon. Doesn't that seem silly to you? Plus, merely trying a deep ball is almost as important as connecting on one. It softens up the defense. And what about the possibility of pass interference...

3. Why aren't we hearing more about the progress being made by first rounder Andre Smith? This could mean he's not making any, but I choose to believe it's simply because the Bengals are winning football matches with greater regularity than in recent years. Whatever the case, isn't it nice to envision a scenario where Andre Smith works his way into (at the minimum) obvious-running-down shape? Let's not forget, he's probably the best lineman on the team (and unquestionably the most talented). Nobody ever said the guy didn't love football, or play his ass off at Alabama. Smith's red flags included dealings with an agent (and other knuckle-headedness), weight concerns and is he an effective pass-blocker?

But if he's fit enough to play -- and if his repaired foot isn't at risk -- Smith can be a major asset in the running game come January. If nothing else, the Bengals basically get an extra first round pick next season.

Speaking of January, let's talk about February, the month that features Super Bowl XLIV, a game the Bengals are worthy of competing in...

I'm serious, people.

4. The Bengals really are contenders for the big prize, and it's for reasons I never could have imagined. Namely, defense.

5. In case my eyes are deceiving me, Brandon Johnson is a Pro Bowl linebacker. He's versatile and fast and smart and he makes plays all over the field. And...Jesus, I love watching that guy play.

6. In case my eyes are deceiving me, Jonathan Fanene is the best defensive end I've seen wear a Bengals uniform.

And you know what? Marvin Lewis deserves a ton of credit for this. Through his first three professional seasons (05-07), Fanene played in twenty-one of a possible forty-eight contests, recording 12 tackles and 1 sack. As a player who was making very little money, Fanene was injured much too often to ever be counted on. Most of the time, these sort of players get cut. But Lewis saw something (probably practice-field dominance), and keeping Fanene on the roster could go down as the best decision Marvin Lewis ever made.

I see Fanene as a dominant force at defensive end -- a guy who plays all three downs and is just as effective against the run as he is against the pass. And I would love to say this surprises me, but it kind of doesn't. At some point during the '06 season, I was discussing all-things Bengal with Dave Laphman, and for whatever reason Fanene's name came up. Lapham told me Fanene was unblockable in practice -- and off-the-charts strong (this led to a conversation about Samoan strength being a different type of strength, but anyway) -- and that Marvin Lewis (a guy who has no tolerance for oft-injured players) was willing to look past the neverending stream of injuries that kept him out of game after game for those first few seasons.

Again: Unproductive 7th round picks are not allowed to be injured; they're disposable. If you can't stay healthy, I'll find someone who can. But Lewis saw something in Fanene, and now he's developed into a force on America's most underrated unit.

7. In case my eys are deceiving me, Domata Peko is the Bengals' best defensive tackle since Tim Krumrie shattered his leg. This is mostly by default, but still.

8. In case my eyes are deceiving me, Leon Hall and Johnathan Joseph are in the discussion for "Best corner tandem in the NFL." You got another duo playing at a higher level? Do you? I don't.

9. In case my eyes are deceiving me, Morgan Trent is good enough to start for half the teams in the league.

10. In case my eyes are deceiving me, 6'7 Michael Johnson's best pass-rushing move on Sunday was to duck under Steelers left tackle Max Starks. And because it's the Bengals, and because it's 2009, it worked! On multiple occasions!

11. Do I need to keep going?

Look, the defense is good. Really good. They have space eaters and quarterback molesters and instinctive linebackers who chase everyone down. The DBs don't always corral the catchable balls, but they almost always knock them down. I don't see a single weakness on this unit, and there is nothing gimmicky or phony about them, which is why they can win the Super Bowl.

And I'll keep repeating the line until I convince myself it's a possibility...

The Bengals can win the Super Bowl!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/18/09

Belichick Goes For It On 4th Down; People Overreact

2009-11-16T13:38:00.000-08:00

Scene.

"It was the worst coaching decision I've ever seen Belichick make."

-Rodney Harrison

The quoted man above said these words last night on NBC's postgame show. Harrison also said something about Belichick sending a message to his young defense that he has no confidence in them.

Uhh...no. It means that he has no confidence in his young D against a bloody hot Peyton Manning...in Indianapolis...on a Sunday night.

It means that he has plenty of confidence in Tom Brady, only one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, to move the ball two yards on the game's most critical play.

That makes sense, don't it?

Don't it?

Besides, not getting the first down did not ensure a Colts victory; it merely put them in a better position to prevail. Remember, the Colts were trailing by six, not two. Even after the Pats botched the 4th & 2, the Colts were probably no better than a 50/50 shot to win. I know a Colts win seemed inevitable (and count me among those who figured Manning would close it out), but the Patriots still had a great shot to walk out of there with a win.

So, would I have punted? Probably, yeah (but maybe not).

Regardless, it was nowhere near the coaching blunder everyone is making it out to be.

Fact: If Kevin Faulk doesn't juggle Brady's pass, the sports world is stroking Belichick for having the onions to go for it on their own 28-yard line.

I hate people.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/16/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 12 (Hating My Unborn Offspring)

2009-11-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

Feeling less than superb this morning. In related news, I want to die. In related news, I hope the world ends the second after I die. In related news, that means I don't care about the lives of my great grandchildren's great grandchildren. In related news, my great grandchildren's great grandchildren were probably headed for drug addiction, anyway.

"I love me some me."

-Terrell Owens and other blacks (and maybe whites).

Saturday Vickers...

Put $100.00 on this: USC (-10.5) vs. Cardinal of Stanford, California

And then put $150.00 on this: TCU (-21) vs. Utah Runnin' Utes

And then put $300.00 on this: Duke (+13.5) vs. Rambling Wreck

And then put $300.00 on this: Central Florida (+4.5) vs. Houston Fighting Klinglers

And then count your money.

And then play in traffic.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/14/09

Tall Kid, Changing Skin Color, Mormon Beater, Etc.

2009-11-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

Not one, not two, but three different stories have literally kept me glued to the television and/or computer over the past ten days. Literally. Glue.

And the stories? (1.) The 7'4 football playing middle-schooler; (2.) Sammy Sooser becoming a honkey overnight; (3.) That crazy lady who beat up a few dozen Mormons over the course of a ninety-minute collegiate soccer match.

See for yourself:

Technology!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/10/09

Ochocinco + Paterno = Me Laughing

2009-11-10T10:09:00.001-08:00

Chad Ochocinco was a guest on Collin Cowherd's radio program today. For reasons you'll soon understand I found the following exchange fascinating:

Cowherd: By the way, Chris Henry broke his arm; how does that change things for
you?

Ochocinco: Oh man. Dude, dude, dude, I was in tears on the field. I
was in tears on the field, man. That is a big blow to our offense. That is an
enormous blow to our offense. To lose someone of that magnitude is really
upsetting. But we have to find a way. We have people that are going to have to
step up, step up and play. You know, we got Jerome Simpson, we have Qui ... uh,
Quincy, Quincy...uh...Crosby. He's going to have to step up and play ball...

For the record, the man's first name is Quan, not Quincy. His last name is Cosby, not Crosby.

And I know you expect me to pile on Ochocinco, or wonder what was going through Cosby's mind while this unfolded, but mostly I'm thinking about old people.

Over the weekend I was watching the Ohio State-Penn State contest with my buddy Kevin, and we couldn't get enough of Joe Paterno. Every screen shot of Penn State's soon-to-be 83-year-old head coach generated laughter and entertaining conversation. We talked about his measly salary, the fact that he doesn't wear a headset, how much he probably needs to pee during games, the time he sprinted to the restroom during a game, his maniacal behavior at pep rallies, does he even coach the team, etc.

But the conversation always came back to one question: If you were to line up Penn State's 85 scholarship players in street clothes, how many first and last names would Joe Paterno nail with no hesitation?

Kevin and I never really answered the question, but I think Ochocinco just did. Since training camp, Cosby and Ochocinco have spent hundreds and hundreds (and hell, maybe thousands) of hours together-----not just on the same team, but in WR meetings and drills together. I'm talking the closest of close quarters, since the beginning of August, and yet Ochocinco butchered the man's first and last name on national radio.

A. That's funny.

B. The Bengals selected Jerome Simpson over DeSean Jackson.

C. What's your best guess-----how many of the current 85 Nittany Lions on scholarship does Joe Paterno know by name? Is there any way the number is higher than forty? I say no.

Please email me your answers.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/10/09

Ochocinco Caught The Pass Before He Bribed The Ref!

2009-11-09T15:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, everybody's making a big deal about Chad Ochocinco bribing an official, and yeah, it was funny. But what about the lousy call that preceded said bribe?

In case you missed it...

Ochocinco caught the pass near the sideline, inbounds, and was correctly credited with a catch.

Baltimore challenged.

Play overturned. Incomplete pass. Bengals punt. Ravens keep alive slim chance of winning. I punched my nephew until he fell asleep.

For those who didn't miss it (and subsequently disagree with me)...

Yes, the pass was a complete. Watch for yourself (pay attention at the 0:21 mark):

Left foot down, right foot...down. And it was down. His heel hit inbounds before his toes came down out of bounds-----and the moment his heel touched down in the field of play it was a completed pass.

Think of it in terms of a tippy-toed, tight-roping sideline catch...

I ask you: Do WRs in those situations get 100 percent of both feet down inbounds? Of course not. Only the tips of their toes land in bounds, while the rest of their body (including the rest of their feet) crash down out of bounds. Okay...so what's the difference? I rest my case

1. I love being right.

2. Why am I the only living human being to mention this?

3. The referee who overturned this call should get suspended for, among other things, being a jackass.

Keep the change, you filthy animals.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/09/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 11 (And Zach Collaros Is A Superstar)

2009-11-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Two thoughts before making my NFL picks...

1. Zach Collaros is a superstar -- one of the five best QBs in college football -- and there's simply no way UC can go back to Tony Pike at this point.

2. UC's top two QBs are decidedly better than Terrelle Pryor.

3. UC's RB Isaiah Pead is better than any RB on Ohio State's roster.

4. UC WRs Mardy Gilyard, Armon Binns and DJ Woods might all be better than Devier Posey, Ohio State's top WR.

5. And UC's O-Line is obviously superior to Ohio State's semi-embarrassing front.

6. Just saying.

7. Switching to the NFL...Josh Freeman is starting today for Tampa, and if you can guarantee me he'll be starting every game for the rest of the season, I'll guarantee you they'll finish the season without a victory. HE'S TERRIBLE! Trust me.

8. Just glanced at the Bengals' schedule (which I never do)...there's a strong possibility they're either 8-5 or 9-4 after week 13. Jesus. How did this happen?

**********

NFL picks...

***$100***

Washington (+9) at Atlanta

Colts-Texans UNDER (49.5)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/8/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 10 (NCAAF Only)

2009-11-06T16:37:00.000-08:00

Four crazy lines, four home dogs. The Vickers System is getting a little wacky this week and going with Four $300 5 Star Millennial Locks of the Millennium.

That's right. Horny?

Stanford (+7) vs. The Best Team In College Football (aka Ducks of Oregon)

Tulsa (+1.5) vs. Houston Fighting Klingler Brothers

Kansas State (+2.5) vs. Rock Chalk Reesing

Iowa State (+7.5) vs. Okie State

Last week: Off ($ Not so great)
Overall: Poor ($ Even worse)

NFL picks coming Sunday, and I'm guessing Josh Freeman will be prominently involved.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/6/09

Tales Of Drugs And Domestic Violence!

2009-11-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

1. Girl tells her horrific story of boyfriend swinging baseball bat at her head.

2. Boy is chemically altered at the time of hearing this story.

3. Boy laughs uncontrollably upon hearing this story.

4. Boy tells story on podcast.

5. Boy is going to hell.

Please listen to our latest podcast, "Drugs Make You Laugh At Domestic Disputes."

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/5/09

Ruben Patterson Doesn't Tip (And I Gots Proof)

2009-11-05T09:51:00.000-08:00

I am a bartender in downtown Cincinnati. I shouldn't have to explain why this makes me cool. But I will, briefly. Being a bartender in downtown Cincinnati makes me cool because it allows me the opportunity to occasionally ask Edinson Volquez how his elbow is doing. See what I mean? I'm a regular James Dean. Anyway...

A few Sundays ago Ruben Patterson (weighing a good 260) and his crew strolled into my bar, ordered Goose and Patron like the plane was going down, ran up a $209 bill...and tipped us Zero Dollars and Zero Cents.

Don't believe me? Okay, of course you believe me. Either way, see for yourself:

(Note: I didn't take the picture of Patterson's receipt, which explains why his signature isn't in the photo. (1.) If you really need me to, I can produce the copy with his signature. (2.) His middle name is Nathaniel, which is represented on the bill by the letter "N," just another way prove the legitimacy of this post. (3.) Why am I going out of my way to prove the legitimacy of something [i.e., being stiffed by a scumbag millionaire] everybody already believes?)

Funny thing is, this isn't half as bad as some of the horror stories to come out of my time as both a bartender and valet; this is just the only one I can proove. I'd love to tell the Shaun Alexander story, or the Dave Chappelle story, but -- without the evidence -- it wouldn't be worth it.

Can I get a Hooray for Ruben Patterson! Can I get a Hooray for pleading guilty to attempted rape!

Jackass.

(For everyone who came hear because Mo linked to this story, thanks. But I'd prefer you check out the main page [ TwinKilling.com ] and listen to the occasionally offensive podcasts.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11//5/09

Delightful Fantasy Football Rant

2009-11-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

Reason No. 204 why fantasy football is a wonderful thing: Mean-spirited, grammatically disastrous complaints/threats (this time from my buddy Frank):

"I need help- lets be honest this league needs help. Maybe just maybe its time for me to walk away from this league.Nobody talks, nobody trades, and nobody likes the commish except maybe eric and tom. I have one of the best qbs in the league and i cant give him away, i also have the burner but some people would rather have beanie wells.Whats the point you ask I WANT TO TRADE!!. I offer trades and get no response- does anybody remember the phrase spin the wheelmake a deal before al ruined it.Lets get back to the way it used to be-fun. So if anyone out there except al wants to trade im all ears, please feel free to contact me at anytime- once again not you al. Have a great day except you al"

Okay, a few things...

1. The league referenced in Frank's rant (The Cool Dude Fantasy Football League) has been in place for thirteen years, with many of the original members still competing.

2. The commish is my buddy Al, Frank's cousin and close friend. (Note: I'm co-commissioner.)

3. When Frank refers to "one of the best qbs in the league," he's speaking of Aaron Rodgers.

4. When Frank refers to "the burner," he's speaking of Michael Turner.

5. "Spin the wheel, make a deal" is a phrase used when trying to convince a prospective trading partner to agree to a deal.

6. Again, Al is Frank's cousin and close friend. Recently Al traded Drew Brees for a package Frank felt wasn't as attractive as what he offered; that more or less fueled this rant.

Good times!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/4/09

Cliff Lee, Ted Ginn, Dumb Announcers, Etc.

2009-10-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

(No picture today. Blame the Nazis at the Monfort Heights Library, an otherwise lovely place...)

Things are happening in the world of sports (aka the sports world) and my opinion needs to be heard. It do. Let me first apologize for being a little tardy with a few of these. Let me second admit that my apology in the previous sentence was half-hearted. Anyway, read...

1. World Series Game 1: Cliff Lee catches the ball as nonchalantly as possible on the mound (and actually, almost drops it) and Lee is universally stroked for being so cool under pressure. This made me sick. Although Lee was cool under pressure, it didn't change the fact that it was an incredibly stupid play. More importantly, what if he'd dropped it? The Around The Horn-types and Skip Bayless would have been all over Lee for the next thousand years. But he caught it. And he's an unassuming white guy. So we love him for it. Strange. Predictable.

**********

2. Entering Sunday Ted Ginn had only returned eight kickoffs and two punts on the season. I've complained about this ad nauseam (most recently in the comments section of this late-September post) and now -- after Ginn's record-setting two-touchdown performance -- I'm finally able to say I told you so. Thing is, it's not a revelation that Ginn is an electric return man; everyone already knew this. He was drafted ninth overall for two reasons: Blazing speed and otherworldly return ability. He was a project as a WR, but the Dolphins felt he was worth the gamble.

And then --for God knows what reason -- Ginn was only used as a part-time returner. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

By the way, Ginn is still stuck on two punt returns this year. The brilliant minds in Miami think lead-footed Davone Bess is the answer there. Who knows? Maybe Miami's offense is so explosive that they don't have to worry about big plays in the return game. Oh wait...

**********

3. Actual exchange from a wedding I attended a few weeks back...

Friend X: I think we're praying.

Friend Y: No shit. Bow your head.

(Note: Both parties are Catholic.)

**********

4. I'm positive there isn't another George Grande on the planet, but that doesn't mean announcing isn't bad all over.

I was watching the Suns-Warriors contest over the weekend, and a five-minute stretch produced three of the dumbest things I've ever heard, and it wasn't the least bit surprising.

First from Suns play-by-play guy Tom Leander, speaking of a hot performance last season from (I think) Warriors guard Kalenna Azubuike: "He just literally shot the Suns out of the game almost."

Literally? Almost?

Please, analyze that sentence again.

Jesus. I'm losing my mind here. Is there anyone left in the world who cares about the English language? I mean, the play-by-play guy is supposed to be a master with words, and in this case the moron just slapped together one of the dumbest sentences you'll ever read. Jeff Brantley misuses "literally" all the time, and I kill him for it. But he's just a dopey ex-jock. With this Leander fellow, this is a million times worse.

As someone who couldn't make a big breakthrough in the broadcast journalism field, I can tell you it's more than a little frustrating to hear stuff like this.

~~~

And now we move along to Phoenix's color man, ex-sharpshooter Eddie Johnson, with two quotes that I've heard thousands of times before (in various forms, from various idiots)...

Speaking of Suns' PG Steve Nash: "Everyone wants to anoint Ray Allen as the best shooter in the NBA, but they never mention Nash. Steve Nash is by far the best shooter in the NBA."

Okay. Can you prove it? No, of course not. Even if Nash is the best shooter in the NBA (which, again, can't be proven), he's not "by far" the best shooter. Nobody is. Nobody has ever been by far the best shooter. Blatantly biased color commentators do this sort of thing all the time, and they're rarely called out on it. Until now...

**********

One other doozy from Johnson-----this time filling our heads with crap about Warriors guard Stephen Curry (a person Johnson had brief contact with for one year when he and Stephen's father, Dell, played together in Charlotte): "When Dell and I played together we'd stay after practice and have shooting competitions...and Stephen would be in the gym. I knew very early what kind of shooter he would become."

Without even doing the math my Bullshit Meter was beeping intensely.

Then I checked basketball-reference.com (an Internet website) and discovered that Eddie Johnson and Dell Curry played together in the 93-94 season...when Stephen Curry was five-goddamn-years-old (note: Curry actually turned six in March of 94, so...).

But anyway, Stephen Curry was five. FIVE! For one, he probably wasn't at post-practice shootarounds too often -- after all, he was five, and five-year-olds play with Legos and dinosaur coloring books. Secondly, the greatest scout in the world could study the greatest five-year-old shooter in the world, and the shooter's parents could be Reggie Miller and Jackie Styles (in the event she's not a lesbian), and the scout's opinion wouldn't mean a damn thing.

I hate when announcers think I'm the dumbest person in the world. I really do. But it happens constantly (cough, sneeze, Mark May), and I wish more people called out these dirty liars and made examples of them.

5. Want to know why the Brian Vickers System is struggling so badly? Read this.

6. Nice job this Sunday by the Cincinnati Enquirer. In case I'm missing something, there wasn't a single mention of the Bengals over fourteen (or maybe fifteen) pages. Bye week, schmye week. They're 5-2, and helping us forget the last twenty years-----you mean to tell me they can't dig up something for us to read during the bye week? Lazy. Lazy. Lazy.

Keep the change, you filthy animals.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
11/2/09

Cedric Benson's Workload; Tony Pike's Injury; NBA Preview

2009-10-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

(No picture today. I'm back at the library and these idiots won't allow such behavior on their crappy Compaq computators. Oh well...)

Three quick thoughts before posting my NBA predictions:

1. Cedric Benson carried the ball 37 times on Sunday. THIRTY FREAKING SEVEN! And thirteen of them came over the final 17:05, as the Bengals were clinging to a 38-3 lead. Related note: Marvin Lewis is a jackass.

Speaking of Marvin Lewis being a jackass, did I mention he's a dumb jackass?

Benson is on pace for 375 carries this season. That's an extraordinarily high number, but we've seen it before from backs who have posted monster seasons. So, it's possible he won't wear down before the end of the season, but it's also possible he might hit a wall around the 300-carry mark. After all, this is the first time Benson's ever been a feature back in his short NFL career. Regardless, why risk him in a blowout? What's the point?

Benson has been shockingly valuable this season (and for dirt cheap) and I can't fathom why Marvin Lewis allowed him to absorb hit after hit after hit in the 4th quarter.

Stupid idiot.

Plus, Bernard Scott is just wasting away on the sideline. Maybe he's not as good as I think he is, and maybe the playbook is something of a mystery to him, and maybe he's allergic to picking up blitzing linebackers. But, again, it was a blowout, and I can't imagine a better learning opportunity for a youngster than an actual game against actual opponents. Besides, take a look around the NFL, and pretty quickly you'll find many successful teams employing two- and three-back systems. This happens for two reasons: (a.) To keep everyone fresh down the stretch and (b.) to significantly reduce injury risk to your best back.

Carrying the ball 37 times in a single NFL game isn't the biggest deal in the history of big deals. But receiving over thirty-five percent of those carries while holding either a 35- or 42-point lead is simply asinine.

Nobody's questioning Marvin Lewis for routinely making bone-headed decisions, and it's only because he's the head ball coach of a 5-2 division leader. But that doesn't mean I'm not right. And for those who think I'm too negative, and for those who think I'm going out of my way to make an issue where there isn't one, answer me this:

What would your reaction have been had Cedric Benson rolled his ankle on his 37th carry of the game, while his team was leading by 35 points?

That's what I thought.

2. Tony Pike might be UC's best player (worst case scenario he's number two, behind Mardy Gilayard), which makes the following statement a little odd: The best thing to happen to UC this season has been the injury to Tony Pike.

And this has nothing to do with getting Zach Collaros ready for next season and beyond.

Here me out: With a Heisman candidate (Pike) on the shelf, the Bearcats haven't missed a beat. Which proves they aren't just a one- or two-man team. In the end, Pike's injury gives UC a better chance of making the BCS Championship game than if he'd been healthy these last few weeks and shattered every single-game passing record in the process. Strange but true.

3. Tales from the bartending gig...Ruben Patterson, who only played ten seasons in the NBA and only banked $37 million, tipped me Zero Dollars and Zero Cents on a $209 bill Sunday night. Can I get a Hooray for registered sex offenders! Can I get a Hooray for pleading guilty to attempted rape!

(I took a picture of Patterson's signed receipt, and as long as it's not illegal I'll post it tomorrow. Stay tuned.)

**********

Okay, with the NBA season tipping off tonight, I present to you...nothing, really. I'm running out of time, and I'm positive it wouldn't interest you. However, here's something that will: I just called my bookie and placed nearly $2,200 worth of NBA Futures bets, and I owe it to you to prove my degeneracy. Anyway, here's what I gots...

***Win Totals***

$200 Mavs UNDER 48.5 wins (+110) - Old + Old + Old x Old = Every significant Maverick not named Josh Howard.
$100 Pacers UNDER 34.5 wins (-125) - Yet another chance to root against Tyler Hansbrough

$350 Wizards OVER 41.5 wins (-120) - Additions of Foye and Miller should push the Bullets to 50 wins
$350 Jazz 49.5 OVER wins (-125) - Darkhorse title contender.
$350 Bulls OVER 41.5 wins (-125) - The only team who could jump up and challenge Orl/Bos/Cle in East.
$150 Spurs 54.5 OVER wins (-130) - Jefferson pick-up keeps Ginoboli fresh for playoffs.
$100 Rockets OVER 36.5 wins (-135) - Get ready to hear them described as "scrappy."
$100 Warriors OVER 34.5 wins (+105) - Ellis, Curry and Randolph = three of my five favorite NBA players (Nash, Durant).
$100 Heat 40.5 OVER wins (-115) - They cruise to 50 if Beasley brings it every night.
$100 Knicks 31.5 OVER wins (-125) - D'Antoni's too good to lose 50 games.
$100 Thunder 34.5 OVER wins (-125) - Hope they're not a year away. Depth scares me.

~~~~~~~~~~

***NBA Finals Matchups***

$25 Magic/Spurs (+2000)
$12.50 Magic/Jazz (+4000)
$20 Magic/Nuggets (+2500)
$25 Celtics/Jazz (+2000)
$50 Celtics/Spurs (+1000)

~~~~~~~~~~

***MVP***

$10 Kevin Durant (+3000)

~~~~~~~~~~

***Rookie of the Year***

$25 Tyreke Evans (+650)

~~~~~~~~~~

As for my plain old predictions, here goes...

West: Spurs over Jazz
East: Cavs over Celtics
Finals: Spurs over Cavs

end of words.

the end.

stop.

time to go.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/27/09

Here's What's Wrong With Terrelle Pryor

2009-10-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

Remember the scene in Almost Famous when the editor at Rolling Stone asks the kid to send his unfinished work through a prehistoric fax machine (it transmits eighteen pages per minute!), and he ends up sending dozens of scribbled-on Post-It Notes? Well, that's basically what I'm doing here. I wanted to put together a coherent piece about Terrelle Pryor's struggles, but napping and work got in the way. I feel awful for not figuring out a way to properly finish this, and I'll undoubtedly lose sleep over it, but I have no other choice -- Ohio State fires their game up with Minnesota in a little over an hour and these words need to be published before kickoff.

Anyway, here's my unfortunate tip of the cap to Willia Miller, Penny Lane, Russell Hammond, etc. (Vickers at bottom of page):

Anyone who suggests that Terrelle Pryor just isn't the right fit for Jim Tressel's offense is way off base. Of course, Pryor isn't a good fit in Tressel's system, but your suggestion is that Pryor would thrive elsewhere

Pryor wouldn't be the right fit anywhere, at least not in the role of savior. I've heard a few times recently how Pryor would've been a better fit in Rich Rodriguez's system at Michigan (where Pryor nearly committed). Let me stop you right there.

NO. Not a chance, dude.

Rich Rodriguez's system requires a quarterback to make several reads in the split second following the snap. Well, I don't know if you've been paying attention, but Pryor's recognition of pretty much -- no wait, absolutely everything is nonexistent.

I don't know how it's possible, but the man has no instincts.

Pryor is often criticized for trying too hard to be a pocket quarterback, but I think that's only a fraction of the problem. The bigger issue is awareness - Pryor has no clue when to take off. None.

For a "running quarterback," he has no idea when it's time to exit the pocket and make a play with his athletic ability. Most "running quarterbacks" are criticized for taking off too often, before the pocket collapses. Pryor does just the opposite; he holds the ball too long. I understand why pure passers hold the ball too long -- they aren't going to make a play with their legs, and throwing the ball away can be a difficult concept to grasp -- but Pryor can't pass a lick (he aims every ball he throws), and nobody knows that more than him. So, why doesn't he swallow his pride and stop trying to prove his doubters wrong? Why doesn't he just take off and run at the first sign of trouble?

Wait, I thought we covered this: The man has no instincts for the position.

Seemingly every time Pryor rips off a 20-yard-run on what started as a pass play it's because he broke outside the pocket and around the crashing defensive ends. These plays are few and far between, and become more unlikely the faster the opponent gets. Against better teams, Pryor might get outside the contain of the defensive ends, but he rolls out so wide -- and the DBs and LBs close so fast -- that it rarely develops into a big play.

So,

For a guy who can't pass a lick, and has always been the fastest guy on the field, I find it impossible to believe his running instincts are so lousy. But they are. And it's not just Pryor's inability to recognize when to leave the pocket,

the problem extends to the open field as well.

only takes off to the outside, doesn't run people over, can't make em miss. NO RUNNING INSTINCTS. just fast. thats it

poor man's Matt Jones? Jesus. this is not what i signed up for.

i hated when antonio henton left. he should be the starter right now. he could run and throw. he was quick and fast. great instincts in the open field.

I keep hearing how Terrelle Pryor simply isn't the right fit for Jim Tressel's offense. And, okay, that might be true. But there's a much bigger problem here, and it's one that I'm not sure anybody has mentioned.

Terrelle Pryor lacks the necessary instincts to play quarterback.

I've watched every play of his young career and I can tell you he never has a clue out there. I'm not calling the man dumb, either. And while his skill set is raw, there are tools to work with.

I'm willing to give him a

For one, he's not that great of a runner. Sure, he's fast, but his first couple of steps aren't all that quick. Which means that even if he had top-flight recognition -- which he clearly doesn't -- he wouldn't be so great wiggling out of pressure in the pocket.

I'd rather have my scrambling quarterbacks possess quickness over speed.

No running instincts. No idea when it's time to leave the pocket. Most "running quarterbacks" are criticized for taking off too often, and before the pocket collapses. Pryor does just the opposite; he holds the ball too long. For a guy who can't pass a lick, and has always been the fastest guy on the field, I find it impossible to believe his running instincts are so lousy. But they are.

Anyone who suggests that Pryor just isn't the right fit isn't watching the games.

There is a much bigger issue here

Vickers (all $100 plays - again, not enough time):

Vandy (+13.5)
Clemson (+4)
Indiana (+5)
SMU (+16)
Ole Miss (-6.5)
Bowling Green (+9.5)
Virginia (+5.5)
Baylor (+9.5)

NFL tomorrow

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/24/09

What Was Vincent Vega Reading On The Toilet?

2009-10-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have a unique take on the Terrelle Pryor situation, and I've written several unpublished words about it, but what I have is a little wordy -- and it gets away from my main point. So, I'm in the process of cutting it down.

I promise to post it tomorrow, but for now I must leave for work.

In the meantime, answer me this:

What book is Vincent Vega reading on the toilet during the final scene in Pulp Fiction? I've seen the movie millions of times but haven't given it much thought until my most recent viewing. Who reads a book in the bathroom of a coffee shop, anyway? And who carries a book with them? Did he leave the table with book in hand? If he did, I don't remember it. Can someone help me out here?

Questions, man. Questions.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/22/09

San Diego Chargers Employee Falls, Dies

2009-10-21T07:42:00.000-07:00

Read this A.P. story carefully, and try to pick out the line that somehow wasn't deleted:

SAN DIEGO -- A member of the San Diego Chargers' game-day staff has died after falling out of the press box before the Denver Broncos played the Chargers on Monday night.

Walt Daniels, 66, died at 2:30 a.m. Tuesday at Sharp Memorial Hospital, the San Diego County Medical Examiner's Office said.

Daniels appeared to sustain a head injury after falling about 25 to 30 feet out of a booth that was to be used by Broncos assistant coaches, and landing on the loge level. He was administered CPR before being taken to the hospital.

Workers later cleaned up a puddle of blood.

The accident happened about three hours before kickoff and delayed the opening of the gates by about 40 minutes.

"The San Diego Chargers' family is greatly saddened by the loss of Walt Daniels," the team said in a statement. "Walt loved the team and loved working in the press box on game days for more than 20 years. Our prayers are with his family and friends during this most difficult time."

Workers later cleaned up a puddle of blood? A puddle? Really? Was that line in any way necessary to the story? Jesus. I didn't think the Associated Press had a creative writing division.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/21/09

Owen Schmitt Jackass; Chris Wells Given Bum Wrap

2009-10-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

If Owen Schmitt knew how to read -- which can't possibly be the case -- I'd mail the meathead a copy of Malcolm Gladwell's latest New Yorker piece, which basically says he will develop dementia at a frighteningly early age as a direct result of smashing his head into things. For most players, "things" means other football players. In Schmitt's case, it means his own helmet.

Idiot.

Serious question: Why didn't Roger Goodell fine Schmitt for pulling such a jackass stunt? Aren't Schmitt's actions fifty times more detrimental than a silly endzone dance?

Also, the entire time I was reading Gladwell's piece, I couldn't stop thinking about Chris Wells, and how -- after rushing for 106 yards on 16 carries -- he was criticized by every sports fan on the planet (including the craziest of Ohio State crazies) after sitting out all but one play of the fourth quarter in OSU's Fiesta Bowl loss to No. 3 Texas. His heart was questioned, and he was called soft. And, of course, the whole "injury prone" label was rehashed.

I hate people.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/20/09

gambling: season two, episode 9

2009-10-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

im hungover. i want dead.

college sports

50

central florida +13 had daunte culpepper killed himself after the 04 season he might be in the hall of fame

kansas state +5.5 bill snyder isn't so great at inspiring the young blacks this time around

colorado +9.5 colorado 90 was a good team on bill walsh 94 for sega genesis

San Dog State Aztecs +17 darnay scott had more seasons of 800 yards and 5 tds than any wr ever

100

Oklahoma +3 in what used to be known as the red river shootout until kids didn't start shooting each other hooray for political correctness

UAB +22 sports!

San Jose State +20 remember that special teams player with one leg

150

Purdue +14 why do their rbs always suck

Miami Redskins +14 lance mcalister used to interview shane montgomery three times a week and nobody gave a shit

Marshall +20.5 randy moss wore candy cane socks

Tulane +17 shain king patrick ramsey jp losman and ohio state has a bunch of shitty fags at qb

Middle of Tennessee +4.5 blue raiders is the greatest nickname in the history of great nicknames

pro sports

50

texans +5 i told you steve slaton wasn't anything special

-my name is bradley alan spieser

Bearcats Should Be Worried (Vickers)

2009-10-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

I hate doing this, but I gots no choice...

We have a Vickers play tonight:

***NCAA $100***

South Florida (+2) vs. the Cincinnati University Fighting Bearcats

Hope I'm wrong.

I'll post our crappy record and our crappier account balance on Friday afternoon. This, I'm guessing, makes you horny.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/15/09

The Bengals...So Far

2009-10-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Words before the real words: The Vickers System is begging us to bet on Tulsa (+9.5) tonight, but that ain't happening. Under no circumstances would we bet against the Boise Murdering Murderers when they're single-digit favorites. Proceed accordingly.

Now, here's a bunch of Bengals crapola...

1. Reason No. 138 why Peter King doesn't know a damn thing about the sport he covers for a living (from his MMQB column): "Not only are the Bengals in control of the AFC North, but also they're 3-0 in the division, 3-0 on the road ... and, oh yes, Carson Palmer's back, and he might be as good as ever. He's certainly as clutch as ever."

Uhhh...no. Not even close, bud. Not only is Carson Palmer nowhere near the player he was in 2005, this is the first time he's ever really been clutch. Sure, he's had 4th quarter comebacks in the past (as any player with his ability will occasionally have) but mostly he's been a guy who wilted under pressure. Okay, maybe that's too harsh. Maybe he didn't wilt, but he rarely stepped his game up or rallied the troops the way a $100-million face of the franchise should. Regardless...I can't explain the sudden change, but I'm not complaining, either.

2. As for those horrible interceptions...

Look, Brett Favre and Kurt Warner are responsible for some of the most horrific interceptions in recent memory, so Palmer shouldn't be killed merely for that (although they worry the hell out of me). What Palmer desperately needs to do, however, is compensate for awful early-game picks with big plays in the passing game in the first three quarters. All or nothing guys are fine as log as they produce more all than nothing.

That's why Favre and Warner are given so much slack. Sure, they can look like rookies on one or two plays, but more often than not they make up for it and then some.

The way I see it, there are only two reasons Palmer isn't getting shredded by the media thus far: (a.) The team's record and (b.) his last-minute brilliance.

Let's face it: Palmer has been a subpar quarterback this season in the first three-and-a-half quarters of nearly ever game. That can't last if the Bengals are going to do any damage in January.

3. And they will be around in January. I haven't peeped at the schedule, but they've already faced plenty of formidable opponents, and more than held their own in each contest. The only game where they were outplayed was Pittsburgh, but it wasn't by much. A 4-1 record is a good head start, and I'd kind of be shocked they didn't eke out a 10-6 record (which should be good enough for a Wild Card spot).

4. Lavernues Coles has been a bigger disaster than even I could've imagined. I hated the signing because (a.) his reputation always outweighed his production, (b.) he wasn't exactly a young'n when the Bengals inked him, and (c.) the quickest way to ruin a franchise is by signing other team's aging free agents to five-year deals. WASTE OF MONEY!

5. Okay, so Chase Coffman can't block. Fine. But I know he can catch. How many times have we heard how he's never dropped a pass in practice? A billion, right? So, why can't Coffman be used as a 3rd-and-long/two-minute drill receiving tight end? I'm sick of seeing Daniel Coats drop critical passes.

6. I feel horrible for Mike Zimmer and his family, obviously, but does anyone else feel like this will be something the team rallies behind for the remainder of '09? I certainly do.

7. Fear the Texans. I don't have a great feeling heading into the weekend.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/14/09

Posture, Baby. Posture. (Meet The 90-Degree Angle Lady

2009-10-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm assuming you've been to the Monfort Heights Walgreens (at the corner of North Bend and West Fork). If not, you're missing out on something pretty great. And by "pretty great," I mean they have an employee -- an older woman -- whose body is a 90-degree angle. I'm not exaggerating, either. Her legs are vertical, and the rest of her body is parallel to the ground. And best I can tell, she can't do a damn thing about it. When I go to purchase soap, or raisin bran, or Trapper Keepers, or whatever, there is no eye contact whatsoever. Hell, there isn't even an attempt. I have to slide my product (or products) directly under her nose so she knows what to ring in.

I know you think I'm making fun, but that's simply not the case. For one, she's pretty damn efficient. For two, I'm just amazed by this woman, and I'm more than a little surprised a word-of-mouth phenomenon hasn't spread throughout Cincinnati as a direct result of what's going on at the Monfort Heights Walgreens. I mean, really, why aren't cars lining up to see the great 90-Degree Angle Lady the way cars lined up to see Ray Kinsella's baseball field?

And why hasn't the circus called? I'd pay fifteen bucks to watch her do nothing but stand there.

How does she drive? Knowing what I know, this seems kind of impossible.

How does she sleep? Does Craftmatic even make a bed that accommodates her?

How did she get the job? She must have lights-out interviewing skills.

Questions, man. Questions.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/14/09

Bengals 17 Points, Ravens 14 Points!

2009-10-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

When exactly did Carson Palmer morph into John Elway? Can somebody, anybody, please explain what's going on here? The man who was once an unclutch robot is suddenly a late-game assassin. Consider what's happened late in the fourth quarter in four of the Bengals first five games in '09:

Week 1, Denver (trailing 6-0): Unable to move the ball at all since the first quarter, Palmer engineered an 11-play, 91-yard touchdown drive that left Denver with 38 seconds on the clock. Of course, this was forgotten immediately after the Brandon Stokley Miracle, but still...this was one hell of a drive, especially considering what Denver's been up to on defense this year.

Week 3, Pittsburgh (trailing 20-15): What's worse than a brain fart? I'm thinking brain diarrhea. And brain diarrhea is what Marvin Lewis repeatedly produced on the final drive as he inexplicably saved his timeouts and ordered up spike after spike. But it didn't matter. No. 9 found a way. Somehow. In the end, Palmer led his team on a 16-play, 71-yard touchdown drive, leaving Pittsburgh with a mere 14 seconds to operate.

Week 4, Cleveland (trailing 20-14): A 4th-and-goal TD pass to Chad Ochocinco capped an 11-play, 70-yard touchdown drive. It should've been the game-winner too, but the kicking game reared its ugly head and the extra point was blocked. Uncharacteristically, Palmer left the Browns with a whopping 1:55 to work with. No harm, though...the Bengals triumphed in overtime.

Week 5, Baltimore (trailing 14-10): 11 plays, 86 yards, touchdown. Was the drive aided by Baltimore penalties? Yep. Were all of the calls valid? Yep. Okay, then who cares? Besides, Palmer made big plays all drive, and didn't flinch when Daniel Coats dropped what would have been the game-winner with under forty seconds remaining. Two plays later Palmer found Andre Caldwell for a 20-yard TD pass with only 22 seconds to go.

For those scoring at home, that's four do-or-die drives...all longer than 70 yards...trailing by more than a field goal in each...all resulting in game-tying or go-ahead touchdowns...all completed with under two minutes remaining.

Let me go ahead and guarantee that this has never happened in the million-year history of the NFL. I would provide proof, but I'm not sure Scouts, Inc. keeps statistics on this sort of thing -- in fact, I'm positive they don't -- but it doesn't mean we shouldn't be blown away by Palmer's remarkable end-of-game quarterbacking thus far.

Because I am. I'm blown away. And the fact that it's coming from Palmer makes it 60 trillion times more shocking.

Now, if he could just cut down on those back-breaking interceptions...

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/12/09

Lee Corso Is Struggling On My TV Screen

2009-10-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

The modern day Lee Corso reminds me an awful lot of Joe Nuxhall's final years in the Reds broadcast booth.

I know you're expecting a joke here, but not today. This is pretty fucking sad. I'm watching College Gameday like I do every fall Saturday, and I cringe every time Corso opens his mouth. He simply can't do it anymore. I hate when media jackasses (i.e., Skip Bayless and everyone on Around the Horn) suggest Aging Former Superstar shouldn't hang on at the end of his career, but I kind of wish Lee Corso would just bow out gracefully and let Gameday become just another show.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/10/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 8

2009-10-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

No time for foreplay this afternoon. Onto the picks...

***NCAA $50***

NC State (-14.5) vs. Duke

Marshall (-4) at Tulane

~~~~~~~~~~

***NCAA $100***

Syracuse (+10) vs. West Virginia

Flyin' Illini (+3.5) vs. Spartans

A & M Aggies (+5.5) vs. Okie State Cowmen

~~~~~~~~~~

***NCAA $150***

Arizona (-3.5) at Washington

Iowa (-8) vs. Michigan

~~~~~~~~~~

***Ten Star NCAA $300 Lock of the Millennium***

Old Mississippi (+4.5) vs. Alabammer

~~~~~~~~~~

***NFL $50***

Chiefs (+8) vs. Cowboys

~~~~~~~~~~

***NFL $100***

Dolphins (+1.5) vs. Jets

~~~~~~~~~~

***NFL $150***

Lions (+10.5) vs. Steelers

~~~~~~~~~~

***Ten Star NFL Lock of the Millennium***

Rams (+10) vs. Vikings of Minneapolis

~~~~~~~~~~

For the Record, we vetoed three games: Tampa (+13) at Philly; Raiders (+14.5) at Giants; Broncos (+3.5) vs. Pats.

Last week: 9-4 (+$610)
Overall: 34-29-1 (-$115)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/9/09

George Grande Says Dumb Things

2009-10-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

The folks who think I cross the line with my criticism of George Grande always counter with, "Yeah, but he was such a nice guy."

Okay. But you know what what? So is my mom. My mom is a heckuva nice guy, and she's nowhere near qualified enough to broadcast Reds games on my Samsung television. So there.

I really hate George Grande. I don't have a single nice thing to say about the man. In my opinion, he was the luckiest man in the history of broadcasting. And when I read somewhere recently that he's been a working member of the media for 45 years, honestly, I threw my niece off the balcony.

But anyway, I've broken down my hatred for George Grande into three categories: Lying, Impossible-to-believe quotes and Nicknames. Enjoy:

1. Lying. Hands down the most underrated aspect of the George Grande Experience. George Grande often lied to the fans he supposedly adored. You want examples? I gots em:

He described Reds reliever Mike Lincoln as "brilliant" after a 2008 season that ranked somewhere between (a.) lousy and (b.) decidedly average, depending on your view of things. But he never approached brilliance (not with a 4.48 ERA he didn't).

..........

He once said that Reds OF Willy Taveras reached base safely 75 percent of the time when he hits the ball on the ground. If this were true, Cooperstown, NY would change its name to Taverasville (or something).

..........

You'll have trouble believing this next lie...

In mid July, 2008 -- in other words, well into the season -- Grande described Mets reliever Scott Schoenweis thusly: The good news for Schoeneweis, he's a strikeout machine; 37 innings, 19 strikeouts."

This was Grande's way of saying something nice about Schoenweis. It was also a disgusting lie. Scoenweis pitched nineteen more innings that season, and actually improved his strikeouts-per-innings-pitched ratio...and...wait for it...wait for it...at the end of the season a whopping 292 pitchers in Major League Baseball had struck out more batters per inning than Schoenweis. In fact, when factoring in every pitcher who threw at least 40 innings in '08, only 79 humans finished with a crappier ratio than the so-called "strikeout machine." What a joke.

Whether you accept it or not, George Grande was a liar. Or maybe just stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~

2. Quotes that either (a.) made absolutely no sense or (b.) made you want to puke.

Everything you're about to read was taken directly out of Geroge Grande's mouth. Verbatim. Ver. Bay. Tum. The grammar is often horrible, but that was part of the George Grande Experience, as well. You might think he's a nice guy. I just think he's an idiot. Enjoy...

Here's Grande describing a pre-game meeting between Joey Votto, Jay Bruce and Don Mattingly (a guy who last played in an All Star game when Bruce was two-years-old):

"For Joey Votto and Jay Bruce today, kind of a special day--they had a chance to meet and greet and talk with Don Mattingly, the great first baseman. Outstanding hitter, .300 career hitter, and a guy who I think in both of our minds is a Hall of Famer. No, his numbers didn't warrant that simply because his career was cut short with back difficulties, but a Hall of Famer on the field, a Hall of Famer off the field, too."

..........

Grande on Adam Dunn (a guy who never seemed to care too much about anything, especially not a player from the 1950's) passing Ted Kluszewski for most HRs by a Reds lefty:

"252 HRs as a Red left-hand hitter. That's number one all time, one better than the great Ted Kluszewski. And it's not lost on Adam Dunn. Dunn, since he put on a Reds uniform, has marvelled at Big Klu's numbers. Not just the home runs, but the few strikeouts in his career and the kind of player he was, and leader he was, for the Reds."

..........

On lifetime backup Jeff Keppinger:

"The more you see Jeff Keppinger, the more you like about his approach to the plate. Just very solid. Not spectacular in any way he plays the game, but very solid in...a great team player both in the field and at the plate"

..........

On Ted Kluszewski and his widow (in a conversation with Reds broadcaster Chris Welsh):

"And the Big Klu, not only a great hitter, a great gentleman, and Eleanor still graces us with her visits every once in a while at Great American Ball Park. And she lights the place up whenever she comes, doesn't she Chris? (Welsh agrees, Grande laughs the way I did the first time I saw Borat, and continues...) The Reds family, not just the players but their wives and widows that have meant so much to this great franchise."

..........

On Paul Janish, a professional athlete, playing hard:

"What a great competitor. Just a ballplayer. Not spectacular in any one part of the game, but spectacular in the fact that he just plays the game so hard."

..........

On multi-millionaire pitcher David Weathers being willing to pitch whenever he's asked:

"He's the best. The Reds are so fortunate to have him. And it's great to watch, not just David Weathers on the mound but David Weathers in the clubhouse, too. He's a supporter of his teammates and wherever the bell rang, whether it's 6,7,8 or 9, he was ready. And he will be again this year."

..........

On the young players in the organization being such quality people:

"And the one thing that you could really notice in the last couple of years, not just on the field with the likes of a Drew Stubbs, or Chris Valaika, Jay Bruce or Paul Janish -- people like that -- they're just...not just good athletes, good ballplayers, but quality too. Quality off the field."

..........

George Grande, while interviewing Reds owner Bob Castellini, had this to say while talking about all the dead people connected to the Reds organization (and nothing was taken out of context; this was a complete thought for Grande):

"There are special on the field, special people off the field, and all of those we talk about. But more importantly, special off the field."

~~~~~~~~~~

3. Nicknames. George Grande loves nicknames. He once called Gary Majewski, one of the worst relievers in recent Reds history, "Magic" seven or eight times in about three minutes. And it's actually worse than it seems. Grande would say things like, ""Magic" hasn't walked a batter over his last two outings." or ""Magic's seen his ERA lower from 7.73 to 7.09 since the start of May!"

..........

Of course, there's the time Jonny Gomes was dubbed "Never Say Die" Gomes after hitting a home run to shrink the Reds' deficit from ten runs to nine. And Grande was serious.

..........

When lifetime .176 hitter Andy LaRoche strolled to the plate, Grande dropped a "Here's Andy" on us, as if Honus Freaking Wagner came back to life.

..........

I'll never forget the time he called some retired umpire that we've never heard of "Spanky" approximately 45,000 times in a half inning.

..........

The Pirates aren't the Pirates, of course, they are known as the Buc-O's and only the Buc-O's.

..........

But the most mind-blowing example of Grande giving every MF'ing schmuck in baseball a nickname is the time he referred to Bud Black as "Buddy" Black. Grande was so determined to give Black a new nickname that he lengthened an already existing nickname. "Bud" is a nickname, always has been, always will be. "Bud" is something you're called when you have a stupid birth name. In Black's case, it was Harry Ralston Black (stupid indeed). So, anyway, Black's lifelong nickname wasn't good enough for Georgie Boy. Grande had to give Black's nickname a nickname.

If George Grande was around to broadcast 1920's Yankees games, I'm sure he would've called Babe Ruth "The Babe-ster."

~~~~~~~~~~

With exception of the first two stories in the "Lying" section and the "Never Say Die" Gomes thing, all of these stories/quotes were gathered from the rougly 120 games I watched in the 2008 baseball season. So, when you consider that Grande probably called between 1,500 and 2,000 Reds games in his career...and when you factor in the thousands upon thousands of hours I've been subjected to this bozo, it's easy to see why his retirement was one of the happiest days of my life.

Good riddance, loser!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/07/09

George Grande Retired. Damn.

2009-10-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

"If there is something that comes along where I don't have to travel on a regular basis, I will do that too," Grande said. "I'm not leaving to take another job. I'm leaving to spend more time at home. If something happens, fine. More than anything, I will miss the people. I will miss everybody I worked with. We've all been pretty lucky and fortunate -- the broadcasters and writers, everybody - to have a great relationship. The people I worked with made 17 years a joy."

-George Grande

In case you weren't paying attention back there, here's the funniest line in funny line history:
"I'm not leaving to take another job."

Okay.

Enjoy:

1. this

2. this

3. this

4. this

5. this

6. this

7. this

8. this

9. this

10. this

11. this

12. this

13. this

14. this

15. this

16. this

17. this

18. this

19. this

20. this

21. this

22. this

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/6/09

Bad Coaching + Bad Coaching = Every Game I Watch

2009-10-03T20:34:00.001-07:00

Scene set: Miami leads Oklahoma 21-20 with two minutes and change remaining. Miami possesses the ball. 3rd & 6 at the Oklahoma 35 yard line. Sooners out of timeouts. Hurricanes earn first down with 7-yard pass. Clock running...and the Canes wouldn't have to snap the ball again until around 1:58 or 1:59.

In other words: Game over. Hurricanes prevail. Several people clap their hands and high five their friends. Others hang their head and wish to be alone for the rest of the evening. And so on. And so on. And whatnot.

Well, that's the way I saw it. It seemed pretty simple. But Miami's head football coach Randy Shannon and Oklahoma's fearless leader Bob Stoops must be pretty new to this whole football thing.

Instead of instructing quarterback Jacory Harris to milk the clock and kneel on three consecutive plays, Randy Shannon figured it would be wise to run another play. Seriously! More on this in a second.

Meanwhile, on the opposite sideline, Bob Stoops was channeling Marvin Lewis, and somehow out-dumbing Randy Shannon...

Okay, with the play clock resetting to forty seconds after each play, and with Miami not needing to snap the ball until just under the two-minute mark, it's not difficult to do the math: forty + forty + forty = two minutes = Oklahoma has no chance to get the ball back. None. Zero. Zilch.

So, that being the case, Bob Stoops should've subtly ordered up the "If they're stupid enough to actually run another play, as opposed to kneeling down and ending the game, make it seem like you're really trying and let 'em score a touchdown" defense. For some reason -- even when it's their absolute last resort -- coaches rarely employ said strategy.

Okay, back to Miami's first down play...

They ran a simple run off right guard, and Running Back X made it through the first wave of defenders, cut back left and gained 12 or 14 yards. Of course, Oklahoma's defense hustled to the ball, dragged Running Back X down from behind...and ended any chance of (a.) getting the ball back, (b.) tying the game at 28 and (c.) winning in overtime.

Idiots.

**********

Randy Shannon is a dope. Again, all he had to do was take off is headset and order up three kneel downs. This is basic stuff here, boys and girls. But he risked a turnover, which could've led to a catastrophic loss. Which would've more-or-less ruined their chances of making a BCS bowl game. And in case you haven't watched collegiate football since 1998, the difference in dollars a school earns for its conference by participating in a BCS bowl game is a teeny tiny bit different than playing in the Blue Bonnet Bowl (or whatever). For instance: In (I think) 2006 Rutgers barely missed playing in a BCS bowl game -- which would've netted something like $13 million for the Big East -- and wound up playing in a bowl game that raked in a whopping $600,000 for the conference. See what I'm saying?

Now, I realize I'm going overboard with all the hypotheticals, but screw you, this is my website.

So, like I said, Miami ran the damn ball when they absolutely, positively didn't have to. This was a monumentally stupid decision by Randy Shannon. I mean, he literally gift-wrapped Oklahoma a chance to get the ball back with about 1:45 remaining, trailing by eight. Literally.

This was Oklahoma's only chance to win the game. You let the other guy score, or you lose the game. Simple as that. And a win, sports fans, means Oklahoma would have successfully weathered the storm without Sam Bradford and kept open the slim possibility of playing for a national championship.

Did Bob Stoops think of this? Of course not. He's only paid several million dollars a year to figure out stuff like this.

Jackass.

**********

On first down from well inside the the Sooners' 20, Randy Shannon finally came to his senses and went to the genuflect offense. A few snaps later the game was officially over. And then I started typing the words you're currently reading. It would be safe to say I was in a rage. It would be equally safe to say that I care too much about this crap.

How can two people at the top of their profession be so careless with so much on the line?

More importantly, why am I the only one who notices? Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit, two mammals I really respect, didn't mention what seemed so obvious to me. What gives?

Questions, man. Questions.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/04/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 7

2009-10-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

All substance, no style today. We ain't gots not time, and besides, the Brian Vickers System hasn't delivered much to brag about this season. After a glorious Saturday, we crapped the bed on Sunday. The picks...

***NCAA $50***

Buffalo (+8.5) vs. LeFevour Fever

Armal Academy (-6) vs. Tulane

Spartans (-4) vs. Michigan Wolves

~~~~~~~~~~

***NCAA $100***

Cal Golden Bears (+4) vs. Trojans

~~~~~~~~~~

***NCAA $150***

The Cuse (+7) vs. South Florida Bulls

UTEP Two Step (+14.5) vs. Houston Fighting Klingler Brothers

~~~~~~~~~~

***$300 Ten Star Lock of the Millennium!***

Duke (+17) vs. Virginia Tech

~~~~~~~~~~

***Veto Power***

It should be noted that Craig and I have a 3-1 record when staying away from obvious Vickers selections. Today, we make it 4-1. The play we're not making: Miami Redskins (+29) vs. Cincinnati University Bearcats. If this game isn't a 51-10 smashing for the Bearcats, I officially know nothing about sports. We're wagering on Brian Kelly today.

~~~~~~~~~~

***NFL $50***

Dolph Lundgren (Pick) vs. Buffalo Bills

Kyle Orton (+3) vs. Dallas Cowboys

~~~~~~~~~~

***NFL $100***

Seahawks (+10) at Colts

Steelers (-6) vs. Chargers

~~~~~~~~~~

***NFL $150

Saints (-7) vs. Jets

Browns (+6) vs. Bengals

~~~~~~~~~~

***Veto Power***

Raiders (+8.5) vs. Texans

Words: How in the hell could I bet on Oakland? That franchise is more screwed up than the Bengals. How did they make the Super Bowl this decade? Yes, we're backing the Texans. This sucker could get ugly.

~~~~~~~~~~

Last Week: 10-7 (+$70)
Overall: 25-25-1 (-$725)

Keep the faith, my people!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
10/3/09

Excited?

2009-10-02T17:41:00.001-07:00

Vickers coming tomorrow morning, or possibly when I get home from work tonight, which will be around 4:30 a.m.

Try to keep your pants on.

-Brad

Shocker: Jeff Brantley's Still An Idiot

2009-09-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

"Speed will beat you more times than not."

-Jeff Brantley

The Mississippi Wordsmith said these words after an infield hit by Drew Stubbs on Friday night. It was a complete thought for Brantley. A beginning, middle and end. Two seconds of silence preceded his statement, and two seconds followed. Brantley said what he wanted to say.

The moment Brantley's words registered, I started analyzing them. Within a minute I arrived at the following conclusion: Regardless of context, there will never be a situation where the above quote makes a lick of sense.

In case you forgot, yes, Jeff Brantley makes a lot more money than you. Except he doesn't work as hard as you, and he's nowhere near as competent.

He's literally an idiot.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/30/09

Bengals Beat Steelers...Marvin Lewis Still Stupid

2009-09-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

Bengals 23, Steelers 20.

From where I'm sitting, there's a more important story.

Marvin Lewis is a big problem. If I didn't know any better, I'd accuse him of trying to blow the game on Sunday.

Win or lose, the following four 4th-quarter decisions are indefensible:

1. (14:56) Allowing Shayne Graham to attempt a 52-yard field goal.

It was week nine of the '06 season the last time Shayne Graham nailed a field goal longer than 49 yards. 2006! And over the course of his career he's only made 50 percent of his 50-yards-or-more attempts. While that might not overwhelm you, maybe this will: In his entire career Graham has only attempted fourteen field goals longer than 49 yards. Which means...what, exactly?

It means that he can't be trusted with kicks of that range. Want proof? Green Bay's Mason Crosby just played the third game of his third NFL season, and he's already attempted thirteen field goals over 49 yards.

Funny thing is, Marvin Lewis knows this too. Think back to all the instances when Lewis would order up a punt, even though the Bengals were on the opponents' 34-yard line (and passing up a 51-yard field goal in the process). Take your time. This exercise could last all day.

What I haven't mentioned is that the Bengals were trailing 20-9 at the time, and facing a 4th & 3. Had it been a three point game, or a 4th & 15, try the field goal. I understand. Two seconds left on the clock, ditto. But three yards is a manageable distance (and maybe even a better bet than a 52-yard FG attempt), especially considering (a.) you'll still need a touchdown at some point, and (b.) the offense hadn't moved the ball all day (i.e., now might be the best chance we have to score a touchdown).

I'd like to leave you with one final stat: In his 114-game NFL career Shayne Graham has connected on one kick longer than 51 yards.

**********

2. (5:14) No sense of urgency at the start of the final drive.

Okay, you're starting the possession on your own 29-yard-line, down five with three timeouts in your pocket. When you consider that you've barely moved the ball all afternoon, it would be wise to speed up the tempo in case your drive stalls and you're forced to punt, right? Right? At least that way your defense can force a punt and you can get the ball back with a decent chunk of time left on the clock.

Well, that's not what Coach Lewis was thinking.

At first they were running the ball up the middle and taking their sweet ass time in the huddle. The ball was snapped on the first play at the 5:14 mark; it netted three yards. (Huddle) The next play didn't begin until the 4:34 mark. Palmer connected on a 17-yarder to Coles, but the Bengals went right back to the huddle. Once again, an eternity passed before the drive continued. It wasn't until the 3:50 mark when the Bengals began their third play of the drive (a Cedric Benson run that netted five yards). The fifth play of the drive got going at the 3:05 mark, and it put the Bengals at the Steelers' 38.

Let's stop right here.

From 5:14 to 2:27 (the sixth play would begin at 2:26), the Bengals ran five plays. So, in two minutes and forty-seven seconds they hadn't even entered field goal territory. Which means, had the drive stalled, or if Palmer had been sacked into one of those 4th-and-16-type situations, the Bengals couldn't punt and hope to quickly get the ball back with use of their three remaining timeouts. They were officially in no-man's land. After burning so much of the clock, the drive that started with 5:14 left had turned into a two-minute drill.

Did it work out? Yes. Miraculously. But not because of Marvin Lewis.

For the record, there are only a few times when you should try to milk the clock for a final score:
a. Tied game. This makes the most sense. You don't want to leave your opponent with any time left as you score the game-winner. And if it doesn't work out -- if the drive stalls along the way -- you punt. Simple as that.

b. A shootout. If you know your offense can score -- and you know your defense has been breaking more than bending -- it's not always a lousy idea to try to drain the clock on the final possession (and even sometimes when you're losing)

c. Trusting your offense. If the 2007 version of Tom Brady is you're guy, and you're trailing by a field goal with four minutes left -- and if you don't trust your two-minute defense -- maybe you feel confident soaking up the clock on a final drive.

But with 5:14 to go, three timeouts remaining, down five to your arch-nemesis, and with barely any offensive production to speak of for the previous 55 minutes? Uh...no! No way. You try to do as much as you can, as fast as you can. If you go three and out with three incompletions, fine. Punt the damn thing away, and stop the Steelers. There was plenty of time to accomplish this.

Math: More possessions = More opportunities to score.

If it doesn't work this time, it might work the next. Is it that difficult?

**********

3. (00:48) Spiking the ball.

So, let me get this straight: With five-plus minutes on the clock, holding three timeouts and the two-minute warning, you decided to play for one final drive. Correct? So, how is it possible that, after only a handful of plays, you're now rushing around and spiking the clock? Wasn't the idea to score a touchdown with little or no time remaining for Pittsburgh? That would be my first question to Marvin Lewis if I were still permitted in the PBS media room.

My second would be, "Have you ever heard of calling a timeout, jackass?"

The Bengals were down to the 15-yard-line, staring at a 1st & 10. The previous play ended with around 00:54 left, and they still had two timeouts available.

Any reasonable human can tell you that, with fifteen yards and nearly one minute to go, an NFL football team doesn't really need two timeouts. In fact, it often times doesn't need any timeouts. What it does need, however, especially in do-or-die situations, is all four downs to work with.

But spiking the ball with 00:48 left is inexcusable on every possible level. There isn't a single thing Marvin Lewis can tell me today that would make me see his side of things. Aside from his Monday-to-Saturday motivating skills this man is in way over his head.

Again, Marvin Lewis had the following options late in the Steelers game, when trailing by five from the 15-yard-line:

a. Three downs, 48 seconds and two timeouts.

b. Four downs, 54 seconds and one timeout.

Of course, he chose the first one. Of course he did. I know, I know, it seems impossible. But it happened.

**********

4. (00:19) Spiking the ball.

(Note: The Bengals spent their second timeout to set up the 4th & 10 conversion)

After Palmer and Brian Leonard hooked up on what could be a season-defining play, Marvin Lewis ordered up another spike, instead of burning his last timeout and giving Palmer four cracks at the endzone from the 5-yard-line. Had Lewis called timeout at the conclusion of Leonard's miracle, 00:25 would have remained. And 25 seconds, if you've been reading me for more than a week, is an eternity when all you need is to squeeze out four plays from the 5-yard-line.

And don't give me any noise about, "What if Palmer gets sacked?" It's all nonsense. He's a $100 million franchise quarterback! I'm pretty sure he knows not to take a sack at that juncture. Besides, as I just pointed out, the difference between three downs and four is monumental.

I could go on and on, but my head is beginning to hurt. Watching Marvin Lewis coach my favorite football team will do that every now and again.

**********

So, be happy about the win. Rejoice and whatnot. Scream "Who Dey!" in your neighbor's direction. Just understand that Marvin Lewis is a handicap to a franchise that's been in a wheelcair for the better part of twenty years.

This won't end well.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/28/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 6

2009-09-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

One quick thought before giving this week's picks: Last night on ESPN's college football pre-game show (or maybe it was an extended Sportscenter segment -- after all, the often decent Jay Harris was moderating, and I'm not sure I've seen him on anything but Sportscenter), Mark May and Craig James shared pleasant dialogue with one another for about five or ten minutes...and not once did I hear May say "Craig," nor did I hear James say "Mark." Nope, Craig James was only called "Pony," a nickname I've never ever EVER heard before last night, but was bludgeoned over the head with probably twenty times (including a few times by Jay Harris)...and Mark May was only called "May Day." That's it, "May Day." Never anything else.

The same thing happens any time Mark Schlereth makes an appearance anywhere on ESPN (this especially includes radio interviews). Every goddamn person at that network (a network I stick up for constantly) tries so hard to sound conversational (the goal of every radio and TV bossman) that Schlereth is referred to simply as "Stink." It's annoying. Listen to Mike and Mike when Schlereth is a guest and I promise you'll want to shoot yourself in the brain.

I get it, you like the man. But let's not act like you guys go to the movies and on vacations together.

Stop trying so hard. It's making my ears bleed.

The all-time worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) example of this comes from a not-so-surprising source...George Grande: He once interviewed Ozzie Smith during a game, and -- I swear to Christ -- called him "Wizard" several more times than he called him "Ozzie." And it wasn't like, "Here's Ozzie Smith, known as "The Wizard."" ... it was like, "How's the golf game, Wizard?" ... or "How's the family, Wizard?" I've never recovered.

(Whether you believe me or not, the great majority of highly paid broadcasters would not upgrade the quality of our teeny tiny, recorded-in-my-kitchen podcast.)

**********

Okay, allow me a little more venting before I make the picks. If you've been paying attention to the Vickers System in '09, or lost coin as a follower, you're no doubt aware that we've endured two or three months worth of crappy luck through the opening few weeks of the football season. For instance:

***Week 1***

Memphis (+18) vs. Ole Miss -- The Rebels returned three - THREE! - interceptions for touchdowns in this beauty! Three. Did you watch this game? I sure did. This was a seven or ten point game, and not the 31-point "blowout" it turned out to be.

But things didn't get ugly 'til just this past weekend...

***Week 3***

Eastern Michigan (+24) vs. Michigan -- I threw my remote watching this sucker. Trailing by 21 with seven or eight minutes to go, an EMU WR dropped a TD on 4th and Goal from the 5 yard line. Michigan followed with a three-and-out. Eastern Michigan started their next possession near midfield, with a little over five minutes remaining (and a win all but assured for us). On the first play their QB dropped back, planted his foot and fell to Earth...leaving the ball on the ground. The jerk suffered a non-contact knee explosion and didn't bother protecting the football. Michigan recovered. Two plays later, Michigan scored on a long touchdown. Final score: I can't remember, but the Wolverines won by 28 (despite outgaining EMU by less than 150 yards).

Minnesota (+14) vs. Cal -- tied with seven minutes remaining, the Gophers somehow managed to screw this up and lose by 14. Bettors occasionally come away relieved with a push. This was not one of those occasionallys.

Duke (+23.5) at Kansas -- I didn't watch a second of this game, but here's the facts: With a minute and change on the clock, the Devils were down 21 and covering. With 0.00000000000000 seconds left, they were down 28.

Kansas State (+12.5) at UCLA -- This game was tight from start to finish, except K-State kept settling for field goals. Midway through the 4th UCLA ripped off a long TD, and K-State, despite taking the ball deep into Bruin territory on their next two possessions, came away with no more points. Final: UCLA 23, Kansas State 9.

Dolphins (+3) vs. Colts -- Let' see...Controlled the entire game, dominated time of possession, Ted Ginn drops a game-winning TD, etc. Et Cetera. Final score: Colts 27, Dolphins 23.

**********

That's six games, all with either (a.) moderately bad luck, or (b.) I feel like Shaquille O'Neal just had condom-free sex with me. I've been looking at pointspreads since I was nine, and gambling since I was twelve (not including NCAA tourney pools, which I'm pretty sure I invented), and I can tell you I've never seen such bad luck over such a short period of time.

And you know what's funny? Not including last night's South Carolina win, the Brian Vickers System has delivered a respectable win-loss record of 15-18-1.

So, our overall record isn't lousy, but our luck has been. Our account balance isn't pretty -- mostly because of the bad luck thing, but also because the public has beaten up Vegas this month -- but that is going to change. Oh yes, it will change. Trust me, you'd be an idiot to drop the Vickers System this early in the season.

The picks...

***NCAA $50***

Northwestern (Pick) vs. Golden Gophers

Mississippi State (+12) vs. Louisiana State

Marshall (+2.5) at Memphis State

Words: Less than a field goal for a traveling Marshall team? Really?

Hokies (+3) vs. Canes

Words: I've gotta say, I'm pretty much like everyone else with this Jacory Harris character. He's one smooth dude in the pocket, and he's one of the few people alive with a strong arm and an effortless throwing motion. That said, everyone is stroking The U this week; I'm going the other way.

Iowa (+9.5) at Happy Valley

Words: Really? Shouldn't this be fourteen points? This spread just seems too low for me.

***NCAA $100***

Oregon (+5.5) vs. Cal Golden Bears of California

Words: The media is stroking them Bears this year, ain't they?

South Florida (+14) at Florida State

Words: South Florida's QB Matt Grothe has been their entire offense for four years...and now he's out for his career. And now his team is playing in Talahassee, against the Noles, who just hung 50 on No. 9 BYU. Sweet!

***NCAA $150***

South Carolina (+4) vs. Old Mississippi**********Last night

Boise/Bowling Green UNDER (50.5)

Words: The Vickers is also telling us to bet every dime on Bowling Green (+16.5), but we can't pull the trigger. Betting against Boise State -- especially when they're playing against a mid-major -- isn't the wisest of moves.

Ohio University Bobcats (+23.5) at Knoxville, Tennessee

Words: Okay.

Kentucky University (+21.5) vs. Florida

Words: I can't imagine there's even one soul on this planet who's brave enough to wager on Kentucky this week. Not one.

Stanford (-8.5) vs. Washington

Words: Didn't Washington hang tough with LSU and beat USC? Isn't Stanford Stanford? What the hell?

**********

***NFL $100***

Seattle Seneca Wallaces (+2) vs. Bears

Bills (+6) vs. Saints

Bengals (+4) vs. Steelers of Pittsburgh

Cards (-2.5) vs. Peyton Manning

Words: Seriously, what non-Cards fan is betting against the Colts here?

***NFL $150***

***UPDATE***Veto Power***We simply can't bet on Cleveland here***

Browns (+13.5) at BALTIMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words: Not even the power of the Vickers can ease my mind with this expected trouncing.

Byron Leftwich never (wink, wink) overthrows his receivers (+6.5) vs. Giants of New York City

**********

Last Week: 9-10-1; -$465
Overall: 15-18-1; $-795 (not including last night's $150 winner)

Good luck, my people (even though you won't need it)!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/25/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 5 (+ Podcast)

2009-09-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

***Most important news of the week***

I posted a new podcast. It's highly offensive and really funny. We mention Alicia Silverstone's role in Aerosmith's "Crazy" video (director's cut seen below). It's titled, "Feeling Guilty About Praying." Listen.

***Most important news besides the most important news***

South Carolina is only a four-point underdog tonight against No. 4 ranked Old Mississippi. So far, South Carolina eked out a 7-3 win over putrid NC State, allowed 41 points to Georgia and needed a second half surge to put away Florida Atlantic.

And again, Old Mississippi is the fourth ranked team in all of North America.

Vickers loves the Gamecocks tonight.

To be official, South Carolina (+4) vs. Old Mississippi is a $150 play.

Tell your friends.

**********

I'll post the rest of the Vickers picks tomorrow. We're due for a big week. I's promise you.

**********

The aforementioned Alicia Silverstone horniness:

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/24/09

Mike Tirico + Tony Sparano + Jim Caldwell = Jackass

2009-09-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

"And now you're probably down to a snap...with six seconds left in the game."

Mike Tirico said those exact words as the Dolphins lined up on 2nd down from the Colts' 30 yard line.

You already know my thoughts on this sort of thing.

And, of course, the next play was the final play; Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano must have been listening to the Monday Night Football broadcast. The final play, for those who didn't watch ESPN1 last night around 11:30, was an interception in the endzone...game over, Colts win. I knew this was going to happen because Chad Pennington doesn't have the arm strength to fit a ball into a tight window from 30-plus yards out (especially when eight defenders are crammed into the endzone).

But 15 or 18 yards out, now that's slightly more manageable, even for a guy with a cap gun for an arm.

But, why Brad? Why do you mention 15 or 18 yards? I'll tell you why, my friend. Because, with six seconds remaining, you can easily attempt a pass play that will net you 15 yards in about three or four seconds-----and if it doesn't work, you can try your quasi-Hail Mary with two seconds left.

Making things a billion times worse for any Dolphins fan reading this...

Indy's defense on the final play was begging Miami to grab the same fifteen yards I just wrote about. The Colts rushed only three and planted seven defenders at the goal line. Only one Colt -- besides the three down linemen -- was visible on my Samsung television screen, and he was eleven yards off the line of scrimmage, facing three Dolpins receivers on the right hash.

Which means...

The two Dolphins receivers on the left side, Davone Bess and Ted Ginn, were uncovered for at least -- AT LEAST -- fifteen yards (and probably more like twenty-five). The Colts were conceding those yards, because, apparently, their coaching staff also thought six seconds wasn't enough time to run two plays.

Part of the blame should fall on Dolphins QB Chad Pennington, as well. I'm positive he recognized the Colts' alignment, so why didn't he get the Dolphins in some sort of quick screen-type play to Ted Ginn and allow him to run as far as he could along the sideline before stepping out of bounds with a second or two left?

I typically hate when armchair quarterbacks try to simplify the NFL, but this one really is as simple as I'm making it out to be. A quick pass to Ted Ginn -- one of the world's fastest humans -- would've netted 15 yards-----and greatly improved their chances of winning.

Stupid idiots.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/22/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 4

2009-09-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

Disappointing week for the Vickers System, which means it was a disappointing week for Vegas. Will we bounce back? Of course! We always do. The picks...

**********NCAAF**********

$50

North Illinois (+12) at Purdue

Oregon Ducks (-4) vs. Utah Runnin' Utes

Nebraska (+5) at Virginia Institute of Technology

Buffalo (+4.5) at Cental Florida Daunte Culpeppers

Tulsa (+17.5) at Boomer Sooner

Florida State (+8) at BYU Mormon Country

**********

$100

Akron Zips of the Mid American Conference (-4.5) vs. Indiana Hoosiers of the Big Ten

Duke (+23.5) at Kansas Dana Stubblefields

Kansas State (+12.5) at UCLA and St. Teresa have the same nickname

Golden Gophers (+14) vs. Golden Bears

Rice Fighting Owls (+32) at Oklahoma State

Armal Academy (-8) vs. Ball State University

Words: The Armal Academy should never be favored by more than a touchdown! Ever! Against anybody!

**********

$150

Frestucky (+7.5) vs. Boise Murdering Murderers***Friday Night Game***

Eastern Michigan (+24) at Ann Arbor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marshall (+3) vs. Bowling Green State

**********

Anti-Vickers pick...

Last week, I begged you not to bet against Boise; this week I'm begging you not to wager on Washington State. Oh yes, they're a Vickers play, but Craig and I are betting the other way and taking SMU (-6) at Washington State.

**********NFL**********

$50

Panthers (+6.5) vs. Falcons

**********

$100

Bengals (+9) at Lambeau Leap

The Jay Cutler Experience (+3) vs. Steelers

Dolphins (+3) vs. Colts***Monday Night***

**********

$150

Lions (+9.5) vs. Vikings

Last week: 4-6; -$310
Overall: 6-8; -$330

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/18/09

Jim Tressel Ain't So Bad

2009-09-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

The natives are restless in Columbus, Ohio. They're also stupid.

The natives are stupid.

Following Ohio State's home loss to USC, more and more fans are complaining about Coach Tressel. Incomprehensibly, many are calling for his head.

You might be wondering why I just used the big word that begins with the letter "I."...

Well, here's why:

2001: Double-digit underdog Ohio State beats Michigan in Ann Arbor.

2002: Ohio State wins BCS title.

2003: Without Maurice Clarett -- and with no running game to speak of -- Ohio State scratches and claws its way through the regular season, and comes within a Michigan win of playing for another BCS title.

2004: Ohio State destroys Michigan behind otherworldly performance from sophomore QB Troy Smith.

2005: Loses two regular season games -- a heartbreaker to eventual national champion Texas (where the Buckeyes outplayed the Longhorns), and to Penn State in Happy Valley -- before thumping Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl.

(By the way, I'll always contend that the 2005 Buckeyes were the best Ohio State team of my lifetime.)

2006: Ohio State breezed through the regular season undefeated (behind Heisman winner Troy Smith) before running into a super athletic, super motivated and super well-coached Florida team that not only peaked at the right time, but had the same Eye of the Tiger that Ohio State had in the '02 championship.

2007: Another championship game appearance, this time a 38-24 loss to LSU which is incorrectly remembered -- both locally and nationally -- as a lopsided affair. It's true Ohio State trailed by three touchdowns late in the game, but this game was much more evenly matched than Ohio State gets credit for.

Consider: Sure-handed Brian Robiskie dropped a TD, and the Bucks settled for a FG...which was blocked. Austin Spitler (who was only in his fifth year at the time) somehow screwed up the easiest blocked punt I've ever seen. I don't recall the exact details, but I remember it being in LSU territory, and I remember Spitler not only not blocking the kick, but roughing the punter in the process.

Both plays were huge momentum shifters (the game was played in New Orleans, by the way) and LSU scored touchdowns immediately following both Ohio State gaffes. Was LSU the better team that night? Of course. Todd Boeckman was at the helm for the Buckeyes. But, play that game on a neutral field ten times and I wouldn't be surprised if OSU triumphed three times (or more).

You want facts? Okay.

OSU: 30 carries, 145 yards (4.8 YPC); 15-26 passing, 208 yards.

LSU: 49 carries, 152 yards (3.1 YPC); 19-27 passing, 174 yards.

Again, this game wasn't a dominant force paired up with a lucky, overmatched and slow Big Ten team. Try to remind your friends.

2008: Ohio State awkwardly juggles freshman QB Terrelle Pryor with 9th year QB Todd Boeckman all season. Once again hated and considered overrated by everyone not named me, OSU still manages to have a lead against No. 2 Texas with under twenty seconds remaining in the Fiesta Bowl. Of course, they lost. But things could be much worse.

2009: Outplays USC for 55 minutes, only to come up short in a game that (probably) features two of the top eight teams in the land. S**t happens.

(In a related topic, college football desperately needs a tournament, because both USC and OSU will get a lot better by season's end.)

**********

Before you throw Jim Tressel into an active volcano, try to remember that he's had Ohio State in the thick of the BCS championship race towards the very end of six of his eight seasons in Columbus. I weren't never no good at math, but that's around 75 percent.

Not bad for a guy you want to send packing...

**********

Vickers coming tomorrow.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/17/09

Only The Bengals...

2009-09-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

In the aftermath of the Bengals-Broncos debacle, when a little white guy (who's sometimes known as Brandon Stokley) hauled in a deflected pass and scampered down the field for the miracle of all miracles, I received dozens of phone calls and text messages, all with the same theme: Only the Bengals.

Uhhh...No. This stuff has never happened to any team, ever. It was the flukiest win in the history of football. Well, maybe not, but it's certainly in the discussion. Consider: The Broncos were buried on their own 13-yard-line, with thirty seconds remaining. I can't recall if they had any timeouts left, but that doesn't really matter. And the Broncos weren't attempting a Hail Mary, either; nobody can throw the ball 90 yards. The Broncos were so far from the end zone that they were actually just trying to get in position to maybe attempt a Hail Mary! So, this wasn't a Bengal thing. It was just dumb luck.

But there are plenty of things that only happen to the Bengals. For instance:

1. The Marvin Lewis era opened with a delay of game penalty! They had an entire offseason to perfect one play, and they still screwed it up.

2. David Klingler eating lunch in his truck becomes more and more bizarre every time I think about it.

3. So does the story about Ki-Jana Carter buying the team bigger towels.

4. Desperate for a run-stuffing defensive tackle, the Bengals planned to bring in 340-lb. Tony Siragusa for a visit. His plane ticket was for one coach seat.

5. Boomer Esiason reinvigorated the city of Cincinnati in 1997 when he came off the bench to lead the hopeless Bengals to a 4-1 record down the stretch. It was some of the best football of Esiason's career. And then came the offseason. Boomer left for the Monday Night Football booth, but I have it on pretty good authority that he wanted to come back. I don't know if he was ever offered a contract, but I know this: He was only 36, and nowhere near the end of his career.

Mike Brown's solution: Give Neil O'Donnell a four-year contract worth more money than Boomer (probably would've) signed for.

6. The Bengals were so eager to get first round pick Levi Jones on the field that he started his first game, essentially, as a tight end. He was tackle-eligible. It was 1st & 10 in their own territory, but the Bengals opened the game in a goal-line package. Now that makes for exciting football, don't it?

7. The Carl Pickens Clause.

8. The Bengals thought Reinard Wilson had the ability to play outside linebacker. They also thought Akili Smith was intelligent enough to handle the demands of the quarterback position. Both experiments were tremendous failures. And quite expensive.

9. Everyone misses on draft picks, but it should be noted the Bengals selected Eddie Brown over Jerry Rice. And how about Randy Moss? A bunch of teams passed on him, but the Bengals were the only franchise to do it twice.

10. Corey Dillon refusing to enter the game.

11. A few weeks before the Bengals brought back Chris Henry, Marvin Lewis promised the public that Henry's days as a Bengal were over.

12. Ken Anderson, the team's offensive coordinator for several years, routinely had to go on Saturday scouting trips to the west coast less than 24 hours before Sunday Bengals games. This happened as recently as the early part of this millennium.

13. Tiger Johnson over Bill Walsh. Excellent decision.

That's the stuff that only happens to the Bengals.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/15/09

NFL Predictions ...Kind Of

2009-09-13T07:26:00.000-07:00

Only four humans have ever thrown 40 touchdowns in a season: Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Dan Marino (twice) and Kurt Warner.

That's it, that's the list.

Why do I bring this up? Because I believe Aaron Rodgers joins that list this season.

In Greg Jennings, Rodgers has a superstar WR just entering his prime; with Donald Driver, an excellent No. 2; James Jones and Jordy Nelson are better than any receiver on the Giants' roster; and tight end Jermichael Finley is about to burst onto the scene.

Throw in a defense that isn't allergic to shootouts, and all the necessary ingredients for a 40-TD season are there.

With time running out before the season begins, this is really the only prediction I wanted to get on record.

I was going to predict greatness for Chris Wells -- sooner rather than later -- but I'm pretty sure that was expected out of me.

NFC: Falcons over Packers

AFC: Pats over Steelers

Super Bowl: Pats over Falcons

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/13/09

USC 18 Points, Ohio State 15 Points

2009-09-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

And now you understand why I didn't drive two hours to watch my child get thrown down the steps and kicked in the mouth.

Also, this goes out to everyone who has my phone number...

Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop ridiculing me. I don't want to hear it, shitheads. Grow up.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/13/09

Ohio State-USC Preview

2009-09-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

OSU/USC

Approximately every person I've ever met is going to Columbus for this sucker, and since I love Ohio State football, everyone just assumes I want to go with them.

This is not the case.

Most of my friends seem to forget that I hate generally everyone-----and that hatred is quintupled when Ohio State is struggling against their opponent.

And on the rare occasion they lose, well, I'm the least likable human being in the entire goddamn state of Ohio. I morph into a humorless irrational lunatic, and I have no use for casual conversation with anybody. AT ALL. You could be holding a winning lottery ticket in your hand, with intentions of forking that bastard over to me, and yet -- if it were immediately following a Buckeye loss -- I would make a rude remark and storm off before you could deliver the good news.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think Ohio State will lose to the Trojans, and I really don't want to be drunk and homicidal, not to mention two hours from home, hanging around a bunch of shitheads who pretend to care about the Scarlet and Grey.

Do the Bucks have a puncher's chance? Of course. The game's (a.) in Columbus, (b.) at night, and the visiting team is starting a QB who just last year threw (c.) 18 INTs...(d.) in high school.

Matt Barkley might be the second coming of Sammy Baugh, but he's still just a freshman. Ohio State faced Colt McCoy as a freshman and he was good-----but nowhere near the player he is today.

Again, I think USC will walk away with a victory, but if they return to Los Angeles with a 1-1 record, I can almost guarantee you Matt Barkley turned the ball over at least twice.

Speaking of turning the ball over, Terrelle Pryor can't do it Saturday night. Not even once. But he probably will. Mostly because I don't think he's ready yet, but also because the O-Line is a disaster. Pryor will face constant pressure from the USC front, he'll occasionally react too late, and he'll try to do too much. Oh, he'll make big plays, but he could cripple OSU's chances if he's always swinging for the fences.

If Ohio State emerges victorious -- newsflash -- Terrelle Pryor was the reason. But they'll need other mammals to step up, as well. I could name countless gentlemen on defense, but I'm going to stick with a few youngsters on O: Jaamal Berry and Duron Carter.

Although Berry didn't play (or didn't play much) against Navy, he still offers the wiggle and overall talent that Brandon Saine doesn't, and the speed that Daniel Herron wishes he had. Berry might not play, but he's capable of shifting momentum with one nifty move.

As for the true freshman Carter, I'm going to rattle the establishment with this doozy: He's the best receiver on the team. Right now. When God designed WRs, he basically made Duron Carter-----and you can just tell -- based solely on body language -- that Carter isn't the slightest bit afraid of the competition. He belongs on the field. And he's going to embarrass his opponent, sooner rather than later. I just hope it's Saturday night in the Shoe.

But anyway, it's likely Berry and Carter won't contribute to a win for the good guys. Just don't be shocked if they do. Anyway...

I'll still love football when I go to sleep Saturday night, I'm just pretty sure I'll hate myself.

Trojans 26, Buckeyes 20.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/12/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 3UPDATED (Veto Power)

2009-09-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

(No picture today. I'm at work. And my boss told me no pictures at work.)

Opening week of the college football season resulted in the treading of water for the almighty Vickers System. We won a big one, and lost a big one. Ditto for our two small games. In the end we lost twenty bucks.

And I didn't hang myself in the basement.

Which brings me to this week. We're placing our hard-earned American cash on eleven football contests -- six college, five pro -- and things better get better, because my mother hates funerals.

The picks...

NCAA

$50

UConnecticut (+5) vs. Tar Heels

Wyoming Bramlet Brothers (+32) vs. Texas

Words: Texas travels to Wyoming all of the sudden?

**********

$150

Marshall (+20) at Virginia Tech

Words: Yeah, like Frank Beamer and his paralyzed face aren't going to motivate his troops to literally beat the hell out of Marshall. (and by the way, don't tell me Mark Snyder is still employed by Marshall. Because, if that's the case, we literally have no chance of winning this bet.)

Miami Redskins (+37.5) at Boise Murdering Murderers

Words: Terry Hoeppner could do a better job coaching than the clowns guiding the ship in Oxford.

***UPDATE***

...on second thought, we're pulling this sucker; I just can't bet on Miami on the Smurf Turf. Taking things a step further, Craig and I are betting a ton on Boise State. I can't see this final being anything less than Boise 59, Miami 0.

Tulane (+18.5) vs. No. 9 BYU

Okay, cool. Both were on national television least weekend. Tulane was embarrassed by Tulsa., while the Mormons went toe to toe with Sam Bradford and his improving complexion (and won!). And somehow this spread is fewer than three touchdowns. Sweet.

Arkansas State Fighting Joe Hollises (+22) at Nebraska

**********

NFL

$50

Browns (+4) vs. Brett Favre is playing football in Minnesota this season. For the Vikings. Seriously!

Lions (+13) at Who Dat!

Words: Matt Stafford will be a good QB -- oh yes, he will be -- but he's far from a finished product. What happened last year with Matt Ryan might not happen for another twenty or thirty years. Of course, Lord Brian thinks it's a great idea to back him and the lousy Lions on the road.

Bucs (+6) vs. Cowboys

Words: Byron Leftwich throws a gentle ball.

**********

$100

Bills (+11) at Boston Patriots

Raiders (+9.5) vs. Super Chargers

Words: Tom Cable is handsome. Just saying.

**********

Last week: -$20
For the season: -$20 (it was our first week, asshole!)

Overall record: 2-2 (which is somewhere around 50 percent)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/11/09

2009 Bengals Preview (With Complete Sentences!)

2009-09-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

2009 Bengals predictions and whatnot:

1. Carson Palmer will enjoy his second best season as a pro, trailing only 2005. I'm thinking something like 4,300 yards, with a 30-16 TD/INT ratio. I've been highly critical of the man since the '07 season (go Google "Carson Palmer and Brad Spieser"), but something seemed different about Palmer in his limited preseason duty this year. I'm usually right when gaging not only Palmer put the pulse of the Bengals in general, and I think he (and maybe the team he leads) are in for a rejuvenation year.

2. Bernard Scott will easily lead the team in YPC, as well as receptions by running backs. I say this because he is unquestionably the most talented back on the roster. Now, does that mean he'll be the featured back in any of the first eight or ten weeks? Probably not. Makes too much sense. Scott will likely to be relegated to kick return and third down duty. Which means I will throw things at my Samsung television every Sunday.

3. Chad Ochocinco is back. As in, all the way back...and then some. His finest season begins this weekend. Book it. This might be my easiest prediction yet. There was a certain tone with every offseason article about him that was just different than it had been in recent years. If you've watched his every move for eight seasons, and devoured every thing written about him, it's not terribly difficult to see his future; he really has a lousy poker face. I can see No. 85's cards, and he's sitting on a winning hand. Okay, that was gay, but I can promise you Ochocinco is in for a monster year.

4. Cris Henry catches ten touchdowns...and hopefully 50 receptions.

5. Rey Maualuga delivers several cheap shots and late late hits, drawing umpteen personal foul penalties in the process. And I might be okay with this-----the Bengals need some attitude on defense.

6. Gus Parrish gets brought back and makes the Pro Bowl as an alternate.

7. Keith Rivers = Landon Johnson 2.0. That wasn't a compliment, by the way, although he should be semi-decent (and a slight upgrade over the bums who have been at OLB in recent years). But seriously, I didn't hear a single word about Rivers this preseason, and I certainly didn't notice him flashing his alleged ability. Shouldn't he have been a bigger storyline this past month, especially when one considers how his season ended in '08?

8. Jordan Palmer is annoying. Maybe a little funny, but definitely annoying.

9. He's also a terrible quarterback.

10. I really have nothing else to add to the following statement: It's somewhat comforting to have John Joseph and Leon Hall as the CBs on the team I support.

11. Should Chinedum Ndukwe be starting over Roy Williams? My guess would be yes. But if it's NO -- and if Roy Williams is really the better safety -- then the Bengals will sport an even better defense I expected in '09 (am I nuts, or is Ndukwe pretty good?). They won't be a top six or eight unit (not enough quarterback chasers), but they might be able to finish around tenth, which, if Palmer can stay on the field for sixteen games -- and if the O-Line isn't a complete abortion -- that could make for a sneaky little 9-7 or 10-6 season.

This is the section where I give my prediction for the season...

Up until nine seconds ago I was going to go speak negatively about Mike Brown and Marvin Lewis, and how they're hamstringing the franchise. And they are. They absolutely continue to hamstring the franchise. But you know what? They were doing the same crap in '05, the same season the Bengals offense took the league by storm.

Will they do the same this year? No. The O-Line doesn't resemble its once-dominant self. But you'd be silly to argue that Palmer and Ochocinco don't have their old mojo working. And with a competent No. 2 (Vern Coles) and an unguardable No. 3 (Chris Henry), both Palmer and Ocho are surrounded with the necessary talent to pop off again.

And when I say "necessary talent," I'm including the RBs. And by "RBs," I mean Bernard Scott. If Marvin Lewis plays his best players, Scott isn't just a complimentary 3rd down guy/kick returner. In my perfect world, Scott is good for 210 carries and 60 receptions, while Benson can be the change-of-pace thumper/goal line back with maybe 150 carries and 25 receptions and ten total TDs. I hate to keep bringing it back to the O-Line, but I just don't think they're good enough to have Ced Benson as the primary ball-carrier. He needs holes to run through, and when it's improvisation time, he's screwed.

Now, Bernard Scott, there's a guy who can improvise. And if Coach Lewis allows Scott to display his unique skill set, the patchwork offensive line might not become the scapegoat. More importantly, Palmer might stay upright for 16 games if opposing defenses have to worry about Scott gashing them for fifteen-and eighteen-yard gains.

Okay, I know I've sort of rambled here -- and I'm not sure this post has even an ounce of flow to it -- but here comes the section where I kind of wrap things up before giving a final prediction...

I envision about six or seven nail-biters that could go either way (last year's Cardinals might be the template). A fast start is important, however unlikely (weeks two and three see the Packers and Steelers on the schedule, and I see the Packers and Steelers as being infinitely better squads). But I'm holding out hope (of course I am) and I really do have a different feeling going into '09 than I did in '07 or '08. And again, I'm generally spot-on with my preseason Bengals predictions. They're loaded at the skill positions, and I'm content with the overall talent level on D. That alone should make them competitive in most games (and, at the very least, interesting again)

It wouldn't be a shocker if they made the playoffs.

But they won't. The 2009 Bengals will finish with a 9-7 record (unless they don't).

That is all.

**********

Extended fantasy coverage and an OSU-USC preview coming in the next 24-48 hours. I'm aware the NFL season starts tonight, but I gots to work. As for a quick '09 prediction regarding the relevant players in tonight's Steelers-Titans contest, here goes:

a. Chris Johnson will continue to be one of the most exciting players in the league (and improve upon last year's numbers), while LenDale White will continue to be much better (and more talented) than Chris Wesseling gives him credit for.

b. Kerry Collins will be a disaster (and the Titans will drop off dramatically).

c. If the Steelers throw the old ball around more (like they should), Roethlisberger becomes a top 8-10 QB, while Santonio Holmes moves into the Roddy White/Ochocinco/Dwayne Bowe mix of WRs.

d. Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall are the names of professional athletes.

Go Football!

Yeah Sports!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/10/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 2

2009-09-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

You might be wondering the significance of the number 3,875. Well, settle down for a second and I'll tell you, hot shot. 3,875 is the number in American dollars I wagered a week ago on both college and NFL futures. Mom, if you're reading this, NO, I don't have a gambling problem. Anyway, here are the winners for the 2009 season:

2009 NCAAF

$75 Baylor QB Robert Griffin more combined passing and rushing yards than Terrelle Pryor (-105)

$75 Oklahoma RB Demarco Murray more rushing yards than Oklaoma RB Chris Brown (-150)

$75 Old Mississippi QB Jevan Snead more passing yards than Tim Tebow (-145)

$50 Arkansas RB Michael Smith more rushing yards than LSU RB Charles Scott (-125)

$50 Georgia WR AJ Green more receiving yards than Alabama WR Julio Jones (-110)

$75 Ohio State over 9.5 wins (-155)

$100 Oklahoma over 10 (-130)

$150 Georgia over 8.5 (-120)

$200 Boise State over 10.5 (-190)

$100 Cincinnati over 6 (-120)

$50 Houston over 7 (-120)

$150 Central Michigan (-120)

$100 Stanford over 5.5 (-120)

2009 NFL

$50 Felix Jones over 6.5 total TDs (-115)

$50 Drew Brees over 29.5 TD passes (-110)

$100 Chris Wells over 750 rushing yards (even)

$100 Jay Cutler over 22.5 TD passes (+110)

$150 Adrian Peterson over 11.5 total TD (-130)

$100 Jason Witten over 6.5 TDs (-110)

$75 Trent Cole more sacks than Darren Howard (-150)

$75 Larry Fitzgerald over 10.5 total TDs (-115)

$150 Anquan Boldin over 1,050 rec. yards (-115)

$75 Steven Jackson over 1,100 rush yards (-145)

$100 Matt Forte over 400 receiving yards (-135)

$75 Calvin Johnson over 1,200 rec. yards (-130)

$75 Aaron Rodgers over 27.5 TD passes (+110)

$150 Greg Jennings over 1,100 rec. yards (-125)

$100 Matt Ryan over 21.5 TD passes (-115)

$200 Tony Gonzalez (Falcons) UNDER 950 receiving yards (-145)

$100 Marques Colston over 1,025 rec. yards (-135)

$75 Dwayne Bowe over 1,000 rec. yards (-120)

$200 Chad Ochcinco over 1,150 rec. yards (+110)

$75 Maurice Jones-Drew over 1,050 rush yards (-150)

$100 Jones-Drew over 12.5 total TDs (-125)

$100 Cardinals over 8.5 (-130)

$250 Falcons over 8.5 (-115)

$100 Packers over 8.5 (-200)

Gambling!

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/9/09

Chris Spielman + Brad Nessler + Bobby Bowden = Jackass

2009-09-08T07:49:00.000-07:00

(No picture today. Me's at the library. Me's stolen Internet connection isn't working. Fucking neighbors. Inconsiderate pricks.)

Ohio State survived a scare from the Naval Academy, while Sam Bradford faked an injury out of embarrassment -- and yes, getting tackled by a Mormon is embarrassing -- but that isn't what caught my attention over college football's opening weekend. Here's what did...

1. Chris Spielman, during said Ohio State-Navy contest, had this to say about Bud Foster's Virginia Tech defense: "They play long, they play strong, and they bring their lunch pail every week...literally." Idiot.

2. Brad Nessler is generally one of the better play-by-play announcers on the planet. However, he has the same problem seemingly all of us (both announcers and commonfolk not named Brad Spieser) have: He has no idea what can be accomplished on a football field in just three or four seconds.

Example: With five seconds remaining in the Florida State-Miami barn-barner (thanks, Chuck), and with the Noles facing a 3rd & Goal from the Miami 2, Nessler said something to the effect of, "...and it all comes down to this one play."

Wait, what?

WHEN ARE PEOPLE GOING TO LEARN???!!!???

It's quite easy to run a 12 or 15-yard out in three seconds-----seriously, watch a game clock some time and tell me how long a 15-yard out takes. I guarantee you it's never longer than four seconds.

And five seconds...five seconds is a goddamn eternity, especially when all you need is two yards. Tyus Edney raced the length of a basketball court in under five seconds, and he was changing directions and making fancy, behind-the-back dribbles. Thousands of mammals across the universe can run forty yards in four-and-a-half seconds or less. Think about that: Forty yards! I'm talking about two here. Two yards. Five seconds. That's it. I was furious with Brad Nessler as FSU lined up for the 3rd down play. And then...

3. Bobby Bowden, or whoever is calling plays in Tallahassee, must have been listening to Mr. Nessler, because that 90-year-old slapnuts ran a slow-developing rollout pass that took the full five seconds. Incomplete pass. Game over. Canes win. Noles lose. JoePa envy gains momentum in the Bowden household.

But anyway, why not run a quick slant, or one of those nifty fade-stop, back-shoulder deals that (I think) Dan Marino perfected about fifteen years ago? If either of those passes fail to work, you still have a fourth down opportunity, and the playbook would double. Because, if all you need is two yards, and you know it's the last play of the game -- AND IF YOU HAVE A MOBILE QUARTERBACK LIKE CHRISTIAN PONDER -- you can even choose to run the ball.

Jesus, it's not that hard. Really, it's not.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/8/09

OSU Preview 2009...Finished (Kind Of)

2009-09-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

Ohio State football.

Me.

Happy.

Really happy. It's he only consistent joy in my life, really. But we've been through that already. Showing complete and utter disregard to foreplay, here's my Ohio State preview (with use of numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ,9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15):

1. I'm sold on Terrelle Pryor as a committed athlete. I'm sold on Terrelle Pryor as a charismatic leader. I'm sold on Terrelle Pryor as a future All American and Heisman finalist.*** But I'm not yet sold on Terrelle Pryor as the be-all-end-all Savior at age 20

Pryor showed flashes of brilliance as a freshman, but that's a lot different than being brilliant. I'm mostly sold on Pryor being able to live up to the hype, but I'd like to see further growth out of him before I rename my pet turtle Terrelle (nee John Cusack).

(***Also, I'm not completely sold on Pryor as a tough guy. How many times last year did we have to see him weakly finish off runs. Who knows...maybe I'm nitpicking.)

2. But Pryor is the answer here. If he combines for 3,500 total yards and 30 TDs (18 passing, 12 rushing), I'm thinking that will go a long way in covering up all the question marks surrounding this team. Such as...

3. The O-Line. Jesus, how long has it been since the Buckeyes had a dominant line? I mean, Big Ten football is the constant butt of jokes for its perceived lack of speed and skill, but shouldn't they -- or in this case, OSU -- make up for it with dominant midwestern offensive lines? I gotta believe Jim Tressel is recruiting the right guys. So, what gives?

Translation: When will Tressel stop being so loyal to O-Line coach Jim Bollman?

4. Aside from essentially the entire offensive line, the Buckeyes need players stepping up and making sizable contributions at WR, RB, TE, LB, and CB. Again, why is this team ranked so highly? Sure, I'm fully aware of the talent they possess, and living up to the No. 6 spot in the AP Poll isn't unattainable, but teams ranked this high generally have a proven star...and the Buckeyes don't.

Now, Terrelle Pryor looks like he'll be a star. Ditto for Thaddeus Gibson. And I'd place my money on Jake Stoneburner (if used properly), Brian Rolle, Jermale Hines and Nathan Williams (yes, Nathan Williams) making their mark sooner rather than later. Cameron Heyward, too. You know, if he gets to play DE in a 3-4 defense. Which brings me too...

5. A little over a week ago I openly wondered why the Buckeyes don't line up more in a 3-4 defense...and Friday I read that -- based on all the reasons I stated on my shitty blog -- Ohio State is going to line up far more often in the 3-4 setup.

6. What's the main reason I think the Buckeyes have a legitimate shot at an undefeated season (aside from the relatively weak conference)? Fresh blood on defense. Wait, allow me to rephrase that. The main reason is attitude on defense. Before the USC game in '08 I wrote how I'd take USC's Rey Maualuga any day of the week over James Laurinaitis, mostly because Maualuga gets fired up, and fires up his teammates in the process. A businesslike approach works in many walks over life (namely business), but not on the defensive side of the ball in a collegiate football contest.

I want to see emotion, which is why I'm excited to see the doubling (or maybe even tripling) of minutes for Brian Rolle, Jermale Hines and Nathan Williams. Those dudes bring the fire I like to see out of my defensive playmakers. There's nothing better than seeing a big sack followed by the type of celebration 20-year-old kids patented in Year Twenty. I know some guys aren't wired that way, but -- when all eleven guys on D aren't wired that way (read: 07-08 defense) -- it gives fans (or at least me) a bad taste in their mouth.

My bold prediction: This year's defense is the best since '05, and the defensive front is better than the dominant '02 D-line.

7. Why do showers make you feel so good?

8. Taurian Washington and Devon Torrence will be counted on to play key roles in the '09 season. This would excite me a lot more if both were sophomores, not juniors. Redshirtting is a good thing, knuckleheads! And if you're reading this, Mr. Torrence and Mr. Washington, please smack Lamaar Thomas in the skull while you're at it. That fact that Thomas is a true sophomore, and stuck at No. 6 on the WR depth chart is borderline criminal. That dude is far too talented to be wasting his years.

9. Is anyone else ready to witness Brandon Saine's free-fall on the depth chart? Okay, maybe that's a little harsh, but -- even with an inexperienced stable currently backing him up -- I think you'll soon find that Saine's natural running ability doesn't come close to matching his blazing speed. The man has two left feet. But, he can fly...nobody is disputing that. And he possesses excellent hands, so he does have value. Now it's up to Tressel to put him in positions to be a difference maker.

10. An unexpected senior or two always seems to step up and have a career year under Tressel. In the recent past we've seen Roy Hall, Jay Richardson , Andre Tyree, Antonio Smith, etc., come out of nowhere to make noticeable contributions in their last year in Columbus, and since nobody did it last year (that means, you, Nader Abdallah), it seems like '09 is as good a year as any for multiple seniors to make a name for themselves in their last year on campus. Dear Robert Rose, I just called you out...

11. Which true freshman -- if any -- will not only not redshirt, but end up being a key contributor from the get-go? '02 saw Hawk, Mangold and Sims; in '05 it was Malcolm Jenkins; '07, Cameron Heyward; '08, Nathan Williams. So, who is it this year? There's already too much hype surrounding RB Jordan Hall, so I'm going with DL John Simon (but it will probably be a DB).

12. Will Lamaar Tomas transfer? God, I hope not. But the signs are certainly there. He's an out-of-state kid playing a different position than he played in high school. And now he's a sophomore, buried on the depth chart. Jesus, I'm scared to read what I just wrote.

13. Jake Stoneburner! Trust me.

14. Other words.

15. Since I'm feeling a little less than fantastic on this fine morning, let me move on to predictions and whatnot...

I say Terrelle Pryor makes huge strides, but doesn't resemble 2011's finished product (and yes, he's staying all four years). They might beat USC -- and hell, they might beat Penn State, too -- I'm just expecting a hiccup along the way. Too many question marks, in my opinion.

**********

It's official: I'm quitting this post. I don't have it in me to write another word. I'm quitting this post because I'm a quitter-----and anybody who's known me for longer than eight seconds knows that about me. It is now that I will retire to my comfortable couch in my meat locker of a basement to watch Desmond Howard butcher the English language. I will do this with an oversized fleece blanket draped over me.

I barely care about football at this point.

Ohio State will be good this year.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/5/09

Naked Baseball Players And Smelly Urine

2009-09-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

1. Within the last few days I saw pictures on a cellular phone belonging to a female co-worker. And by "pictures," I think you know what I mean. If not, well, here's what I mean:

(a.) A picture of Reds outfielder Laynce Nix wearing only a towel, checking himself out in the mirror. (For the record, he's fucking ripped-----as expected)

(b.) A picture of Nationals reliever Jorge Sosa's erect penis.

I'm not making this up.

The bar industry has completely changed my life.

2. I once blogged about my urine smelling like tuna after eating the canned treat. Several readers responded to confirm that tuna is one of many foods -- asparagus, for instance -- that will have such effect on urine. Okay, cool. But that's not why I'm here today.

What about Honeycombs, the delicious sugary cereal?

Because I was just making a toilet, and I swear to Christ my pee reeked of the Honeycombs I ingested this morning.

Question: Am I crazy? Have you ever experienced anything like this? And for the brilliant minds out there, what other foods transform the scent of urine?

I need answers.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/3/09

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 1

2009-09-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

The football season is upon us, which means...what, exactly?

It means that I'm going to gamble on a whole bunch of games, of course...and win you some money in the process.

Yes, the Brian Vickers System is back for year two! (By the way, please click the link if you want the ensuing words to make any sense.)

And as successful as it was last season, I'm promising better results this time around. Why? Minor tweaks, my friend. Minor tweaks.

Craig and I (henceforth known as we), although winning gamblers in the 08-09 gambling season, didn't win enough. Sometimes we just threw money away when we knew better-----and sometimes we didn't wager nearly enough on games with head-scratching pointspreads (which is the same as throwing money away).

In the first year of our experiment we wagered $50 on every game; didn't matter if it was a slam dunk or a borderline bet. Too often, that strategy burned us. This time around we have a weighted scale.

**********

Important side note: Craig and I once again loaded a healthy sum of American dollars into an online account and when I post our wagers on this very decent website, it means that we've done precisely the same in our online account. If we win, you win. If we lose, I blame Craig.

**********

Craig and I are breaking our bets into three groups: $50, $100 and $150. I know, I know, it seems difficult.

And a fourth group: $300.....this is reserved only for the most confident of picks (i.e., Our 10-Star Lock of the Millennium!)

Essentially, we'll wager $50 on the games we like (but don't love)...$100 on the games we really really like (but can't pull the trigger on more than $100)...and $150 on the games that jump off the page.

It's hard to say how many $300 Locks of the Millennium we'll have, but my guess is somewhere around once every two weeks.

If that seems preposterous, just remember: I'm trying to make money here...and I'm desperately trying to gain notoriety for myself and this website. It makes sense for me to win as much as possible.

**********

When I first thought the Vickers System needed minor tweaking, I instantly assumed we would reduce the number of wagers for a particular week. On second thought, nope. All we needed was to scale down the dollar amounts for some bets. We might wager on fifteen college football games on a particular Saturday, but only five of them might see us plunking down more than the minimum of $50. This system simply makes more sense.

One thing we learned last year is that the Vickers System -- by simply betting $50 each game -- is bulletproof. You'll either win money over the long haul or come close to breaking even.

At worst, the new system guarantees the same (I think), only this time with a greater potential for a handsome profit.

Either way, you're sinking or swimming with us.

**********

In '01, '03 and '06 I destroyed the college football gambling world. I knew what was going to happen, and it did. I wasn't using the Vickers System (or even a precursor to the Vickers System); I was merely watching a ton of games and betting on what I knew. Trust me, it's possible.

Which is why I have veto power when Craig and I are eyeballing Monday morning pointspreads. What we try to do is think along with the public and go the other way. But the public is correct every now and again, and it's my job to figure out when that's going to happen.

So, when Craig and I each agree that Pointspread X is maybe a touchdown off -- and, on the surface, a game we should be wagering $150-$300 -- it will be up to me to determine if it's too good to be true. Let's say this happens twenty times over the course of the year, and let's say I'm 13-7 in said games. Boys and girls, I just saved you a lot of cash. (Note: I will do my best to alert you to the games I veto each week.)

**********

Finally, I will document not only our seasonal record, but our actual account balance-----and it will be updated every week. This will show you that, as impressive as our W-L record was last season, it wasn't nearly as impressive as the money we would have earned had we weighted our bets.

I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but I have all year to address any changes we've made to the glorious Brian Vickers System.

Besides, games start tonight, and so does the hot betting action!

**********

Math: Reduced week one schedule = fewer games for Lord Brian to attack...

$50

Boise State (-3) vs. Oregon

Words: Oregon is the sexier team; the more talented team; the better team. They send guys to the NFL, and Boise doesn't. And yeah, yeah, I know about the Smurf Turf and all that, and I love Boise's QB Kellen Moore...but this puppy opened with Boise as a six-point favorite. Nonsense, I tell you! Nonsense! It was no surprise the public jumped all over the Ducks, betting this sucker down to three (and reinforcing my initial thoughts). Boise is Thursday's play.

Louisiana Tech Lady Techsters (+13.5) at Auburn

Words: I know Auburn has fallen off a bit of late, but they're still Auburn, you know? And the last time the Lady Techsters were relevant Tim Rattay was prominently involved. Had Vegas made Auburn a 17-point favorite I wouldn't have flinched. But 13.5 seems like they're begging me to back War Eagle. Not this time, friend-o!

**********

$150

Washington Husky Dogs (+17.5) vs. LSU Tigers (or as George Grande undoubtedly calls them, "The Bayou Bengals")

Words: Let's see, Washington was winless last year and starts over with a new coach (again), while LSU (just like each of the past six seasons) has top five talent to go along with a lofty preseason ranking. This is too good to be true.

Memphis State (+18) vs. Old Mississippi

Words: Didn't the media just spend the entire offseason blowing Jevan Snead and the Old Mississippi Runnin' Rebels? Aren't they a top ten team? Yes. Yes. Then why isn't this spread higher than three touchdowns?

Okay, my people, there you have it for week one.

Good luck to you all.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
9/3/09

Jonny "Never Say Die" Gomes

2009-08-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's been well over a month since I watched the stupid Reds play stupid baseball, but I'm at least somewhat aware that Jonny Gomes has morphed into the best goddamn slugger in this history of professional baseball in America.

And anyway, after learning that "Never Say Die" Gomes jacked another homer last night, I decided to pay a visit to www.baseball-reference.com (an Internet website) to see just how super fantastic Gomes has been in '09.

Long story short, he's headed to the Hall of Fame.

But that isn't what brings me here today. What brings me here is Jonny's middle name.

Johnson.

No shit. Johnson.

Jonny Johnson Gomes.

It's only a matter of time before George Grande starts calling him "J.J."

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/29/09

Chris Henry and Chad Ochocinco

2009-08-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

When one considers that my writing career began as a Bengals blogger, it might seem a tad strange that I haven't devoured every second of Bengals preseason games-----I've watched maybe half of the twelve quarters played thus far. But I've seen enough to know that Bernard Scott is one bad mother, as expected. And I've seen enough to know that Chris Henry, as he was in '05 and '06, is positively uncoverable (that can't be a word).

Speaking of Chris Henry, he's the reason I'm writing these words.

In his relentlessly entertaining blog, Mo Egger had this to say about Employee No. 15 following his third straight impressive preseason performance:

-Chris Henry. The numbers this preseason: 13 catches, 217 yards, three scores. He's 26. He's in his prime. He's five years younger than Chad, six younger than Coles. Is he the number one wideout on this team? That's not a shot at Chad, you can do a lot worse than a guy with 8900 yards being the two, but at this point in his career, Chris is more likely to be the one than anyone else.

Uh.....no.

Mo, I love you, baby, but Chad Ochocinco is unquestionably the No. 1 wide receiver on this football team.

If Chris Henry's strong preseason proves anything, it's that the Lavernues Coles signing was a waste of American cash, as expected.

Anyway, Henry might become the Bengals' No. 1 WR this year, but it will have nothing to do with the age of Mr. Ocho.

(Before continuing, allow me to make a semi-bold prediction: Ochocinco will enjoy his finest season in 2009. People are really forgetting what a special wideout he was from 02-07. He's the only wide receiver in NFL history to lead his league in receiving yards more than two consecutive years...and he did it in four straight -- from 03-06! And in '07, his yardage total was a career high. And now he's healthy. And now he's more motivated than ever before. And he appears to be in the best shape of his career. And Palmer's back. Again, Chad Ochocinco will enjoy his best season this year. Anyone doubting me? Or him?)

For wide receivers, especially lately, age doesn't mean a whole lot. And take a guy like Ochocinco-----he doesn't take a lot of hits, and he doesn't risk injury by blocking folks. With today's heightened emphasis on training, being 31-years-old is no big deal.

And plus, a ton of other WRs have recorded monster seasons at or beyond the age of 31. Examples:

Marvin Harrison had 95 catches at the age of 34.

Torry Holt - 93 at age 31.

Jerry Rice - 122 receptions, 1,848 yards at age 33; 92 receptions at age 40.

Cris Carter - 96 at age 35.

Randy Moss/Terrell Owens - At ages 32 and 35 respectively, both remain a force.

Tim Brown - 91 grabs at age 35.

Rod Smith - 113 at age 31; 85 at age 35

Jimmy Smith - 112 catches at age 32.

Tony Martin (Tony Martin!) - 85 at age 31

Joe Horn - 94 receptions at age 32.

Chris Henry might catch 12-15 touchdowns in '09, but he won't be the team's best receiver.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/28/09

Three Quick Buckeye Football Thoughts

2009-08-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a whole bunch about Ohio State football lately. And by "lately," I mean every day since I was seven. Anyway, as briefly as possible, here are a few Ohio State thoughts before I tackle a massive Buckeyes preview before the season fires up:

1. Terrelle Pryor doesn't throw like a girl anymore! He went from a side-armed-to-three-quarters shot-put release to something resembling an over-the-top motion. Now, this alone doesn't make him an accurate passer, but it will put more zip on the ball. And it greatly improves his chances of becoming a legitimate NFL quarterback at the next level. More than anything, it points to how hard he worked in the offseason. I'm not completely sold on Pryor as the savior (yet), and I have plenty of reservations -- of both Pryor and the team as a whole -- heading into '09, but I love everything I'm reading about the guy (on a scale of 1-10, Pryor's charisma is about a 308). And call me a gay guy, but I think he has a nice smile...

2. Shouldn't the Buckeyes be lining up in a 3-4 defense more frequently? Think about it: They have massive defensive ends (a must in the 3-4) in Cameron Heyward (a prototypical 3-4 end in the NFL), Lawrence Wilson, Doug Worthington (shifting over from DT) and Rob Rose; a ton of great athletes at linebacker (this could get guys like Dorian Bell ands Etienne Sabino on the field more often); and DE-OLB hybrids in Thaddeus Gibson and Nathan Williams (and maybe even Solomon Thomas and Keith Wells) who are absolutely perfect for the position. It seems to me that with a ton of interchangeable parts on the defensive front, not to mention a logjam of freakishly athletic linebackers, a 3-4 defense makes more than a little sense.

The only problem, obviously, is the lack of a space eater at the nose tackle position. To that, I say this: (1.) Let Dexter Larimore and Todd Denlinger and Garret Goebel do a serviceable job, and besides (2.) nobody has a space eater. Nobody. The Albert Haynesworths and Haloti Ngatas of the world don't exactly grow on trees.

3. Quick, name a relevant senior. You can't. Okay, that's not fair, Kurt Coleman is a pretty good player. But I won't cry when he leaves. Even if Coleman's replacement next season isn't as good, he is replaceable (if that makes sense). And anyway, I'm bringing this up because, as I was thinking on next year's roster, I realized that my Buckeyes will be positively stacked in 2010. As in, so stacked that I'd be shocked if they didn't garner 75 percent of the No. 1 votes for the preseason AP Top 25.

Here's why (aside from "they return everybody"): The defense in Columbus is always good. So, you know that won't change. The offense? Hit and miss. But in 2010 -- and probably 2011 -- the offense will be better at every single position. The QB position will be better because Pryor will continue to improve. The RBs will return everybody, and add a few new faces. The WRs and TEs are all young, so their improvement is imminent. And the O-Line has been so shaky of late that I can't imagine them getting worse (plus, just like nearly every other position, they return all of their relevant names).

In short, baseball is stupid.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/27/09

Dixie Chicks = Blog Topic

2009-08-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

There are gay guys, and there are honest guys. And then there are guys who are honest about being gay.

That's me! The last guy. I'm honest about being gay.

Here's what I mean: The Dixie Chicks' 1999 hit single, "Cowboy Take Me Away," while grammatically incorrect, is a great fucking song (and not just a good one). I think I always knew this, but it took me a decade or so to tell someone. Which is what I'm doing now.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know. No secrets here, you know? And with little else to add, I leave you with the lucky assignment of absorbing the soothing sounds of one of the 310 best songs of my lifetime (and one of the 8 best featuring a woman as lead vocalist)...

(Here's an example of how the writing process is more than a little weird, at least for me: I spent the last hour listening to "Cowboy Take Me Away" on repeat, and I did so at maximum volume. And when I needed to make a toilet, I cued it up and started that bastard over; that's how much I wanted to continue listening to Natalie Maines at her absolute peak. Anyway, while I was on said toilet -- and while "Cowboy" was blaring for maybe the fourteenth straight time -- I thought I heard something at the front door. I was certain it was my roommate, Mike, returning from work. I panicked. Panicked. I sprinted out of the bathroom, down the hall and into the kitchen, where my computer was resting. I muted the sumbitch before Mike unlocked the door. I exhaled. That was close. My roommate didn't hear me listening to the Dixie Chicks! Thank God, because it would be embarrassing if somebody found out I was rocking out to the Dixie Chicks.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/25/09

Pepsi Cool Cans Were, You Know...Cool

2009-08-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

In 1990 my hillbilly neighbors, the Isforts, used to save Pepsi Cool Cans. Apparently those dumb shits thought they were going to be worth something some day. Anyway, enjoy yourself some Young MC:

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)

Gay Guys Don't Like Me

2009-08-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

1. I'm overwhelmingly polite to homosexual men...and yet they are mostly unfriendly to me. But why?

2. Craig is concerned with his wife's carbohydrate intake (In other words: Is a soul mate still a soul mate if he or she gains weight?).

Thems is the types of things discussed on our latest podcast, "Why Do Gay Dudes Hate Me?"

Listen.

Enjoy.

Tell your friends.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/23/09

Disrespected And Whatnot

2009-08-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

Podcast. New. Words. Sentences.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/19/09

Twin Killing dot Com

2010 Ohio State/College Football Preview! Neat-o!

Slovenian Hoops, Kirk Herbstreit, Gin Blossoms, Etc.

Super Bowl + Blizzard = Terrible Idea

Jay Bruce Is Awesome; Things That Make Me Feel Old

Honesty

Only One Song Makes Me Happy After Losing Money

Horse Trainers, Barry Larkin, Devin Mesoraco

Falling Asleep At Wheel, Joe Buck Unfunny, Carlos Boozer, Etc.

Billiards = Excitement, Desperation Full-Court Heaves, Jay Bruce, Etc.

Final Thoughts Heading Into 2010 NFL Draft

Jay Bruce, Mike Leake, Women's Hoops, Etc.

Reds Do Good Pitch Baseball In USA!

Jason Heyward Helps Me Forget About Gordon Hayward

Brittney Griner, Dumb Nicknames, Bob Huggins, Etc.

Basketball Is A Sport (Elite Eight Picks)

Definitive Sweet 16 Preview (Loving The Dogs? Really?)

State Of UC Hoops; Importance Of Outside Shooting

Tourney Locks: Second Round (Sunday)

Second Round Picks: Stop! Jimmer Time!

Definitive March Madness Preview (Nearly 3,000 Riveting Words!)

Laveranues Coles Was A Waste Of Dollars

Unrealistic Movie Scene (Basic Instinct Edition)

UC's Still On The Bubble? Really?

Catching Up: Part Deux (Danica Patrick and Juan Pablo Montoya)

Catching Up: Part One (Haiti Earthquake/Mr. Polynice's Nose Edition)

Shaun Suisham Can Go Play In Traffic

Hillbillies, Gays And Child Molesters (Podcast)

Stop Me If You've Heard This: College Football Needs A Playoff

Headed To Vegas!

The Bengals Can Win The Super Bowl! No, Seriously

Belichick Goes For It On 4th Down; People Overreact

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 12 (Hating My Unborn Offspring)

Tall Kid, Changing Skin Color, Mormon Beater, Etc.

Ochocinco + Paterno = Me Laughing

Ochocinco Caught The Pass Before He Bribed The Ref!

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 11 (And Zach Collaros Is A Superstar)

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 10 (NCAAF Only)

Tales Of Drugs And Domestic Violence!

Ruben Patterson Doesn't Tip (And I Gots Proof)

Delightful Fantasy Football Rant

Cliff Lee, Ted Ginn, Dumb Announcers, Etc.

Cedric Benson's Workload; Tony Pike's Injury; NBA Preview

Here's What's Wrong With Terrelle Pryor

What Was Vincent Vega Reading On The Toilet?

San Diego Chargers Employee Falls, Dies

Owen Schmitt Jackass; Chris Wells Given Bum Wrap

gambling: season two, episode 9

Bearcats Should Be Worried (Vickers)

The Bengals...So Far

Posture, Baby. Posture. (Meet The 90-Degree Angle Lady

Bengals 17 Points, Ravens 14 Points!

Lee Corso Is Struggling On My TV Screen

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 8

George Grande Says Dumb Things

George Grande Retired. Damn.

Bad Coaching + Bad Coaching = Every Game I Watch

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 7

Excited?

Shocker: Jeff Brantley's Still An Idiot

Bengals Beat Steelers...Marvin Lewis Still Stupid

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 6

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 5 (+ Podcast)

Mike Tirico + Tony Sparano + Jim Caldwell = Jackass

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 4

Jim Tressel Ain't So Bad

Only The Bengals...

NFL Predictions ...Kind Of

USC 18 Points, Ohio State 15 Points

Ohio State-USC Preview

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 3**UPDATED** (Veto Power)

2009 Bengals Preview (With Complete Sentences!)

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 2

Chris Spielman + Brad Nessler + Bobby Bowden = Jackass

OSU Preview 2009...Finished (Kind Of)

Naked Baseball Players And Smelly Urine

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 1

Jonny "Never Say Die" Gomes

Chris Henry and Chad Ochocinco

Three Quick Buckeye Football Thoughts

Gambling: Season Two, Episode 3UPDATED (Veto Power)